Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Lost1960 (43229)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's
reallylost
♀ Member
Member # 18185
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How many of you ws's decided after your a to leave your spouses not necessarily for the ap but for a new life...my wh has rewritten my beautiful marriage to be something I never experienced and this man I thought was going to be with me the rest of my life is wanting a new life...he doesn't love me. did anyone of you somewhere down the road realize you made a mistake or how many has anyone seen that just wondered off into the foggy sunset...I am just wondering how long to hold out hope that the love of my life could return...i know I must move forward I just have so many questions.


Me: 47
WS: 38
D-Day:12-26-07
Married: 11 years
divorce final: 11/19/08
3 children: d25, d21(autistic),d8(ours together)
divorce final: 11/19/08

Posts: 166 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: KY
tmcm
♂ Member
Member # 8758
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First I want to say a big thank you to ALL of you here who have faced this ordeal and are courageously making amends to your FBH to recover from it. I wish you nothing but the best in all of your endeavors.

I would like to respectfully ask, what were the things that your FOM did for you that attracted you to him?

I put a stop sign in the hope that all of you can feel safe and express yourselves.

Thank you all in advance.


XBH: Me
XWW: First Wife

Posts: 406 | Registered: Nov 2005
notwhoiam
♀ New Member
Member # 19990
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tmcm,
in my case he fed my narcissism. not a healthy thing to do in a real relationship. I mean it was unreal the ammount of time he spent trying to impress me. I now know that lots of things in his life fell apart too while he was obsessed w/ me.
He was/is, according to me and other women affected by him, a perfect sociopath. This man could have you attracted to him in a short amount of time, I swear.


Once upon a time
I could love myself.

Posts: 38 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: tx
fortysixandtwo
♀ Member
Member # 20107
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, it was the spontinaety and adventurousness. My boyfriend was/is a very relaxed, chill at home kind of guy, while I like to be constantly on the go, seeing new things, going to new places. This is what the other man presented me with. So what started out as a "friendship", someone to do activities with, soon grew into an affair.


Me (WGF)-22
Him (BBF)-23
Together-3 Years
D-Day 1: 12/25/07
D-Day 2: 5/22/08
Two Affairs
Status: Painful Self-Analysis, steely determination and a generous and loving heart.

"All that we are is the result of what we have thought" -Buddha


Posts: 106 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: The Beginning
bear
♂ Member
Member # 19859
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tmcm,

OMW fed my ego by showing her affections in a very physical way. She is much younger than me, very attractive, and surprised me with her interest. She has a very suggestive body language which I am highly attracted to, and I became very addicted to it.

Once we became intimately involved, even our phone conversations were suggestive. I found communication on that level to be quite a turn-on as well.

When you're in that mode, no matter where you are everybody (and everything) else simply disappears from your conscious awareness. It's really pretty interesting.


WH (me): 59
BW: 56
M: 34 years
Together: 38 years
2 DDs: 21 & 25
d'day: 2-11-2008
A: EA & PA 6 months


Posts: 102 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: South
Ron7127
♂ Member
Member # 10145
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Were you turniung down your spuse for sex a lot during the affair and leading up to it?

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Minnesota
bear
♂ Member
Member # 19859
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ron,

Was this question for me?

If not, then what follows will be a bunch of information that has no use to you....well, it might not anyway.

If yes, then here goes....

No, I didn't hold back with my BW during my A; however, our sex life had become pretty routine in content, and only a few times a month (4-6). The big difference for me was focus, enthusiasm, and overall interest. xOMW was on my mind constantly, so I was nearly always distacted.

We've been married a long time, I'm getting older, and I think my BW chalked most of my enthusism gap up to mid-life performance anxiety. Since I've gotten my head faced the right direction, more or less, our sex life has improved considerably. In fact this whole ordeal has made us come to terms with how our married life had actually focused on so many things 'other' than being lovers. It's amazing how you can live side=by-side with a person for three decades, and have to get to know them all over again.

I've said it another post somewhere, "I hope she likes me".


WH (me): 59
BW: 56
M: 34 years
Together: 38 years
2 DDs: 21 & 25
d'day: 2-11-2008
A: EA & PA 6 months


Posts: 102 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: South
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im' struggling with a couple of things, hoping you may be able to shed some light on a difficult sittuation for me.

Here it goes my FWH went from a EA to PA then finally went NC in 1/08 and 2/08 took on girl sights on the internet, never actually met any on a personal bases, but I believe the intention was there. Now this all has come to new light to me. He tells me he was just playing on the internet. Whatever.

But my question is this the OW has given birth to twin boys and says they are my H, no paternity as of yet. And contact with OW has been none, on H part not hers, Now that the internet stuff has come about, my FWH has agreed to IC, finally, he says the he realise the problems lies within him, and one way or another his problem will get fixed.

See we went to MC and IC over a year ago, when all this started, but he lied to me and the C. So does this mean now he might be more open to helping himself, and will he find that maybe the marriage is not good for him. H has been very remorsefull, and loving, but something is broken in him that he needs to fix. I am glad he is finally going.

Now other question, I know NC is a must in all ended A. But when OC are involved, how do WS feel about the NC. H knows that this is not a good thing for me, but what about what he wants ? And OC, oW has said she does not want me around her children. (should have thought that before taking fertility pills to get pregnant by a married man, to trap him) JMHO.

Any and all input, would be greatly appreciated. Scared that IC, will make him change his mind on us, after all the hard work, now.


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
comingundone
♀ Member
Member # 12452
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tmcm,
In response to your question....I believe that the XSOM was a very practiced predator. I had been married for 14 years at that point and had no clue what was about to happen. He portrayed himself as a friend of my family and shared a similar faith background. He was very smooth and practiced in his efforts. I was very needy for male attention (unbeknownst to me at that time). I am quite sure I was one of many conquests. He appeared to be confident, driven, spontaneous, fun and intellectually stimulating.
In hindsight...I see clearly what a sham it all was. I also see clearly how I went down a path with far reaching consequences. In IC I realized it was the "perfect storm". I only wish I knew then what I now know.


Me/FWS-45
Him/BS-44
2 great kids(15,11)
1 high-maintenance dog
Love isn't in the falling, it's in the staying. ♥

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Midwest
peachy40
♀ Member
Member # 20108
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I originally posted this on the wrong board. I think I am in the right place now.

My WS has been really good at answering my questions, except in the area of the physical aspect of the affair. I would love to get insight from wayward spouses on how they felt.

His A was an EA for 10 months before it became a PA. Then the EA/PA lasted another 7 months or so. Even though our R is going well, I am having a hard time moving past the visions in my head of the 2 of them together.

When we discuss this, he claims that he cannot remember many of the 'details' of their physical A. When I ask about their first kiss, the first time they had sex...he tells me he cannot remember details..he only remembers the intense guilt and how terrible he felt afterward. He said the sex was never good or memorable, because he was always worried about getting caught. Then, afterward, the guilt was so overwhelming, that he tried to block the incident immediately just to cope. Yet...he kept going back for more. If it was so bad, why not stop?

I am not quite sure why I have this need for details. I think I feel that by not telling me everything I want to know, I still do not have full disclosure.

Can there really be details that he can't remember? He also gets very uncomfortable when I bring this topic up. Should I push him to remember? He is in IC, perhaps I should ask him to bring it up there? The PA began 11/07, so it wasn't THAT long ago. Can you really 'block' memories like that? And if it was so bad at the time, why would you keep going back? His answer is that he doesn't know.

Thoughts from anyone would be appreciated!


Status: Happily Reconciled!
Me: BS 40
Him: FWS 42
Together: 19 years; Married: 17 years
Beautiful daughter: 15
Amazing son: 13
Affair: 18month EA; last 6 month PA w/ former close friend and former neighbor (we have moved)

Posts: 132 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Atlanta
Charli
♀ Member
Member # 15601
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much to FWSs/FOPs answering here!

I'm sorry if this has been asked already, I scanned through quite a lot of the thread and couldn't find the same question - if it has already been asked I would very much appreciate it if someone could point me towards the posts.

My question is this: I know conversations about the A can never be truly easy, but I'm wondering if there is a way to make them a little more so.

Whenever we talk about it, WSO becomes filled with self-loating and finds it hard to talk. He also sees me getting upset with some of his answers, and is afraid he is just doing more damage to me - though I feel that though the conversations might be hurtful in the moment, they are helpful in the long run.

I do try to stay calm, but from a WS perspective is there anything else as the BS I can do to make these conversations less fraught?
Are there specific ways in which I can phrase questions, should I be reassuring WSO that I love him and want to be with him during these conversations (as he tries to reassure me during them).
He has trouble opening up, and he is trying to work on that - how can I make it feel safer for him to do so?
Do you have suggestions for him to deal with these conversations without sinking into a spiral of self-hatred?

thank you!


me: 31, F, XBSO, getting on with my life!

Posts: 1573 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: The Netherlands
Coffey77
♂ Member
Member # 19660
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

peachy40

he only remembers the intense guilt and how terrible he felt afterward

I'm not sure but I think this may have something to do with him "blocking" answers. By asking him those types of questions, you're making him face the feeling of guilt and shame all over again. Is he a type of person that avoids confrontation?

If he can't get it out and talk about it just yet, he might need more time or you may have to look back and figure out why you really feel the need to know. I think that my need to know from my WS was to see if I was "better" than her OM was. She is looking at it as finding in him things that weren't right in our sex life. The problem for me is to bring that into our relationship because I am probably going to focus on the things that are "new" and getting sick because I know she learned it from the OM, she learned it the wrong way.

[This message edited by Coffey77 at 5:45 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)]


"I alone am responsible for my choices"
"Forgiveness is freedom from the past. The wrong can never be undone but it can be forgiven and thereby rendered powerless."
"I reserve the right - to be wrong."

D-Day Jan. '08


Posts: 66 | Registered: May 2008
loserhusband
♀ Member
Member # 12734
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi WS's
I have a question that I have not really seen addressed by anyone. On the days and week or two following dday, I know that BS are usually freaking out and the shit is hitting the fan. What is the conversation like with the OP during those first hours and days and maybe even week or two? What is the OP's reaction? What is your reaction? I have read many many stories about how the BS falls to his or her knees and mentally just melts down. What is the first couple of phone calls like between you and the OP since the fun, secret part of your affair is now very much changed? And thank you in advance for any answers that you are willing to give me


ME BS 54
HIM WS 56
M 30 years
DD 9/20/06
Wow has it really been that long ago ;(
OP 26 year old co worker

Never make someone a priority who considers you an option
Keep the Faith, but Ration the Trust, It is better to be pissed off than pissed on


Posts: 1091 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: east coast
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tmcm -
what were the things that your FOM did for you that attracted you to him?
In my case, xOM was out of league (younger, lean athletic build, artistic, creative). Overtime, I was mirroring his words.


Ron -

Were you turniung down your spuse for sex a lot during the affair and leading up to it?
In my case, I didn't turn down. I had same quantity with my H. Otherwise, I felt guilty.

dreamer1

my FWH has agreed to IC, finally, he says the he realise the problems lies within him, and one way or another his problem will get fixed.
I would say that is the good thing, too.

Now other question, I know NC is a must in all ended A. But when OC are involved, how do WS feel about the NC. H knows that this is not a good thing for me, but what about what he wants ? And OC, oW has said she does not want me around her children.
I have no idea. I hope someone else who has been in your H's shoes would chime in.

peachy,

Can there really be details that he can't remember? He also gets very uncomfortable when I bring this topic up. Should I push him to remember? He is in IC, perhaps I should ask him to bring it up there? The PA began 11/07, so it wasn't THAT long ago. Can you really 'block' memories like that? And if it was so bad at the time, why would you keep going back?

My A was 7.5 year long term. If you ask me when was my fist kiss with my xOM. I can only remember which month of which year. I cannot remember how many times, I had sex on the first day. I can remember what kind of clothes I was wearing. I cannot remember how many times, which days.... but I do remember what kind of activities, xOM and I did.
I am not a deep conversation type face to face. My H has full access to my post and online journal, so he can read my thoughts. For a starter, ask him to write a timeline and then have him add what happened, like objective way. (not asking why, but how it happened) He may remember something as he writes down. Oh and Mr.beach telling me that he would love me no matter what and that he would be supportive in my healing process. That really helped!!


My A was open to H, so I didn't have shame or guilt, so I didn't have to block my memories like many FWSs.


Charli -

but from a WS perspective is there anything else as the BS I can do to make these conversations less fraught?
Are there specific ways in which I can phrase questions, should I be reassuring WSO that I love him and want to be with him during these conversations (as he tries to reassure me during them).
He has trouble opening up, and he is trying to work on that - how can I make it feel safer for him to do so?
Do you have suggestions for him to deal with these conversations without sinking into a spiral of self-hatred?

I am not a deep conversation type face to face. My H has full access to my post and online journal, so he can read my thoughts. For a starter, ask him to write a timeline and then have him add what happened, like objective way. (not asking why, but how it happened) He may remember something as he writes down. Oh and Mr.beach telling me that he would love me no matter what and that he would be supportive in my healing process. That really helped!!

loserhusband

What is the conversation like with the OP during those first hours and days and maybe even week or two? What is the OP's reaction? What is your reaction? What is the first couple of phone calls like between you and the OP since the fun, secret part of your affair is now very much changed?
I know that most of FWSs would be in the shocking stage, BUT my A was open and it was matter of when we would end it, so I am not qualified to answer your question. I hope someone else will chime in. Hang in there.

[This message edited by beach at 10:32 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
inspiration
♀ Member
Member # 20283
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How WS I really need some opinions on this. How do you know if they are in a fog or just really don't love you any more and love the other person.


DD: May28, 2008
Me: 31
him:31
togeather 16 years married 10
Kids 2: D-7, S-5
OW: 21
Divorced: Oct. 20

Posts: 358 | Registered: Jul 2008
nothereorthere
♀ Member
Member # 20530
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Most of the time my WS is undeerstanding & reassuring when I get upset over the affair. However, there has been many times that he would get angry or pull away emotionally when I would bring it up. Should that make me cautious or is it possible that he just feels guilty over the hurt he's caused me? It confuses me & puts a red flag up for me.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
waitingforpeace
♀ New Member
Member # 19362
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are nine months into R. Does my FWS have triggers and experience the same roller coaster ride that I do? I can barely keep myself sane,so that I have given no thought to FWH 's feelings. For the most part, I really don't care. However, yesterday, he looked so sad. I guess,like I feel most of the time.

Posts: 30 | Registered: May 2008 | From: East Coast
nothereorthere
♀ Member
Member # 20530
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me again. I'm having a tough time today trusting my WS & keep wondering if he is with someone today. So I call him, like he says to do so I can be reassured. When I tell him how I am feeling, he replies, "Here we go again, day #2." I ask him what he means & he tells me that he just went through this yesterday with me accusing him. This is not what I need, as I have told him many times. Then he does well a couple of times & then goes straight back to answering like today. I feel he does not get how much I'm hurting & I never seem to get what I need from him to heel. He is not consisitant. So give me a clue all you WS's, what is going on with him??

Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
goingforward
♀ New Member
Member # 20365
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Waiting for Peace:

I am a WW and am 9 mos out from Dday. I still have many many triggers but I don't feel it is fair for me to bring them up to my BS. I don't want to cause any more pain. I have a good friend who I share with when I am feeling really really low. Sometimes, I do share with my BS, but feel guilty for triggering when he is in so much pain himself. I think WS have a rough time too in that there isn't much sympathy for us because we are the guilty party.


Posts: 32 | Registered: Jul 2008
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi there...

inspiration -

How do you know if they are in a fog or just really don't love you any more and love the other person.

When Mr.beach was willing to give me D, I literally list up pros and cons, but I chose to R, because I only wanted xOM for part-time.

In the fog - denial of addiction. Looking at OP through rose colored glasses and put OP on the pedestal.
In love is fictional love and not real love. Instead of thinking of addictive love (fog) vs real love, addictive love vs healthy love.
Speaking from my own experience, when most FWSs were not in the normal 24/7 relationship with xAP and not in the marrieage where there is no domestic responsibilities, taking care of kids, or paying the bills, most WS tend to rominticize xAP looking through the rose colored glasses and think xAP is ideal person in their view. Limited time meetings/communication fuels the fantasy world and it enabled FWSs to perpetuate the fantasies and became the intense meeting/chat session and look forward to the next session.
I hope this makes sense.
Addictive relationships have you doing things you would not 'normally' do.

*Like sitting and waiting for a long time for a phone call and then getting moody when it doesn't happen.

*Like keeping your schedule open for "what if" someone is available; putting you life 'on hold' for someone else.

*Like doing things you wouldn't do except that it's for/about "that" person.

*Like being cranky and mean to other people in your life because you are not happy with the way the addictive R is going.

*Like obsessing in your mind and compulsive behavior to be with the person.

*Like forgetting about 'everything' else in your life when in the presence of the person. This is where reality meets fantasy. You are so myopic (near sighted) you don't see the rest of the world around you. You create a reality to escape to and push away the rest of the world - reality.

*You feel love, and especially passion, but you are not loving to the rest of the world. Your love is coveted for the one person.

*The difference between an addictive relationship and a healthy relationship is how it affects your OTHER relationships; especially the one with yourself!

Rather than thinking of it as real vs addictive think of it as healthy vs addictive. What is a healthy relationship? Fantasy is just part of addictive relationships. A healthy relationship doesn't need fantasy... it's just... healthy! Think of it as addictive love vs healthy love.
Healthy love doesn't deceive anyone
Healthy love doesn't leave you in a state of confusion
Healthy love doesn't cause resentment
Healthy love doesn't have you 'waiting, just in case'
Healthy love isn't bits and pieces of your partners time
Healthy love doesn't have you lower your expectations


[This message edited by beach at 2:48 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.