Does my FWS have triggers and experience the same roller coaster ride that I do?
Whenever I had triggers (music, event)/reminder, it gave me triggers, but it is not fond memories, but it is rather giving me sick feeling between 6 mos to 1 year. My body is telling me that those dark days are bad for me. post 1 year mark, whenever I get the triggers, I get flash backs. I just let the flashbacks float away from me like a bubble and then I practice mindfulness. And then I take a deep breath, and say my mantra "That was then, this is now, I am at peace". It works for me.
That's how I handle triggers.
there has been many times that he would get angry or pull away emotionally when I would bring it up.
So I call him, like he says to do so I can be reassured. When I tell him how I am feeling, he replies, "Here we go again, day #2." I ask him what he means & he tells me that he just went through this yesterday with me accusing him. This is not what I need, as I have told him many times. Then he does well a couple of times & then goes straight back to answering like today. I feel he does not get how much I'm hurting & I never seem to get what I need from him to heel. He is not consisitant.
Good luck everyone!
Three years this month actually, which I think may have something to do with triggering it. He thinks I should be over it by now.
I try my best to ease trigger for my H.
I am glad to hear that you two are seeing MC. Has he fixed his core problems, if any?
[This message edited by nothereorthere at 8:59 AM, August 7th (Thursday)]
Hubby fell in "love" - found his "soulmate" Had lots and lots of sex (even though according to him it wasn't that good.
He has been remorseful and doing all the right things - but I feel so confused - what if that was the right person for him to be with? Our 20 year marriage has had its share of ups and downs - maybe that person was the one who could complete him.
Which is the reality? Five months ago he was totally in love with her - now he is totally in love with me. How do you create such a fantasy and how can I believe that mine is the "real" one?
Our marriage before, like I said, had rocky periods, but the period just before the affair was great. Empty nesting and having some time for ourselves.... then the typical midlife crisis... promotion at work, new fast car, 29 year old chicky.
How can I ever believe?
I am looking for WSs inputs on my story, which is in my profile, and sadly, kind of long (sorry). I've gotten some BS's inputs, but I'm looking for a little more than just theirs, as I appear to be really into this guy.
Here is my question, while we were talking about the possibility that he may at some point have to work a little with her, he says I would be lying to you if I said I don't wonder about her and if she is okay>>>>And he cannot tell me that he doesn't feel indifferent to her yet. I know that only about 9 weeks out from ending it is probably expecting too much from him as I know he was in the Relationship with her for 8 months and I am sure the "feelings" were real at the time, but, it really hurts to know that he can still have any feelings for her knowing everything she put me through while he was gone. How can that be when he says how happy he is to be home and how much he loves me and the new relationship we are building?
I'm not sure what my question is exactly, maybe just comments? Is there a time when the WS gets tired of having to help/prop up the BS? I told him I would just keep things to myself for awhile and not seek any help from him.
Thanks for any insight.
Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left. ~Hubert Humphrey
It has been two years plus since dday, and OMM is totally out of the icture, FWW has been doing many of the right things. But I always felt she just wanted to bury this episode and move on.
MC was a waste because FWW thought he whole thing was my problem, that I had to get over it. I got to see her passive agressive side.
I never get an ILY. I have not heard that phrase in over 10 years. I gave up telling her ILY about four weeks after dday. I have come tot the realizatio that I don't love her because she is am emotional screwed up person who cannot see how her actions have totally wrecked me emotionally.
My question to WSs (yes there is a question to this ramble) is we never talk about the affair, does a WS ever come around to apologizing for the damage done and do they ever reaffirm the love that the marriage should have?
This whole affair started as an EA just months after we were married and continued as an em for 10 years before turning into a PA. I sometimes think we just both compromised for the sake of the kids.
"You are never going to forgive me, I don't think you can ever get past this" is what he commonly says, although it was only last April that I found the first evidence and only a week ago that I found the second.
JUST A MINUTE AGO, he comes in from work and starts yelling at me. We just built a pool and hot tub. The pool guy hasn't hooked up the heat yet to the hot tub, nor has he completed the grill, and we're about to have a party. Yesterday I said I should probably call the pool guy this morning and see what's up, why hasn't he been out here. (Usually my husband handles all the calls back and forth to this guy)
Well he comes in from work and asks if I talked to the pool guy. I say "No, I completely forgot." That is the truth; we are having a talk tonight about his infidelity and I've been online here today worrying about it and taking care of my daughter, so I didn't call.
My husband says "I'll call and ask him if I can use the grill." I say well when you call you should probably ask him about the hot tub, too.
HE LOST HIS SHIT AT THIS POINT. How DARE I tell him what he SHOULD say to the pool guy, I didn't call, so he's having to do it, do I think he's that incompetent that he wouldn't ask about the hot tub, I'm being a bitch, blah blah blah. I said stop it, you didn't mention the hot tub I just wanted to make sure you remembered, and he yelled at me some more.
Why does the WS get to yell and scream and berate the spouse they trampled all over while cheating? This exchange makes me cry more than the actual affair, really.
Does the anger go away, or is he an asshole?
WBF is starting to get more annoyed that I don't believe him. He says he understands why I am struggling but it frustrates him. He tends to fly off the handle then sometimes calms himself down. Am I supposed to take hope in the fact that he does calm down.
I imagine he was so much calmer earlier in R because he felt bad, does that stay with you or do you get to a point where you really just get annoyed by it all??
mods - i don't understand this new way of working. Doesn't it just create very long threads where it is hard to find anything? or is it an experiement to see if it's worth new sub-forums?
Q1: Why are you angry at us after you had As?
Q2: How can you expect us to help you after what you have done to us?
A brief history-WH had 4 EAs during the first few years of exclusive dating in the 90s (D-day 11/2006) and 1 EA after marriage in May 2007 (D-day 6/2008). They were mostly talking/flirting, lunch/coffee, no kissing, no ILYs, etc...He just needed women around him to feel validated, boost ego, etc...He said he cheated because he was ANGRY at me, as a way to get back at me because he felt powerless. We are 2 months post D-day and he has no true remorse (he faked it to get another chance in R ). He's still talking about MEMEMEMEME, tells me he's angry, can't stop complaining, wants validation for minimum efforts (IC, reading books but don't think he got the point) and I'm like, hello, what don't you get??? Any insights would be greatly appreciated. Feel free to PM me as your comments might get buried in these pages, thanks again for helping us !!
ETA: I called them EAs because they had 2/3 EA characteristics: 1) secretive 2)sexual tension. He was not closely bonded with them though. Am I right in calling them EAs?
[This message edited by lemony.2008 at 5:47 PM, August 8th (Friday)]