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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nooneeverthought -

The thing that had to get through my head was that on the day I committed to NC and agreed to work on R, I gave up the right to know anything more about xMOW. She also lost the right to know anything about me.

Granted, in my case it wasn't a co-worker which makes the NC situation far tougher. But I think the same principle applies. Your WH has to develop the mindset that the only thing his OW has a right to know is something required for work purposes.

Is the carelessness of leaving the journal somewhere not secure an issue? Maybe. But there will always be things and events that will open the door for OW to start a conversation. What your WH has to do is to develop the ability to steer things back on course.

OW: "So I saw the journal. Those are such beautiful words."

WH: "I'm sorry, but anything involving my life outside these walls is not up for discussion with a work colleague. Is there a business matter I can help you with?"

Does it sound cold? Good - it should. That's the only way to get the point across. Consistency in responses.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
hawthorne_08
♀ Member
Member # 17687
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

well said LC.


FWW
I am married with R on top
Me: 42
H: 43
DDay: 11/10/07

Remember that STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.


Posts: 3487 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Think Rice-a-Roni
tryn2survive
♀ Member
Member # 20197
Default  Posted: 5:25 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if this is the appropriate place to ask this but I'll try, and Mods if I am wrong for posting here please delete this and I'm sorry.

I asked my WS why he thinks the multiple A's happened and why he is still talking to other women and hiding it. He says he likes to have someone to talk to and likes the attention. I don't understand. Why can't he come to me and talk and get the attention he wants? Why won't he let me be the friend, lover, wife I want to be to him? I try but it's never enough or I must be missing something....

I'm sorry if this is the wrong place to post this question but I just wish I could understand.


Together 15yrs.
BSO-me-30
WSO-him-32
2 kids- 4 & 8
Dday#1- 01/2001 Multiple PA's
Dday#2- 03/2008 PA
Dday#3- 08/14/2008 EA (still have to verify)
Working on R

Posts: 126 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: missouri
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn2survive -

I can't speak for your WS specifically. I can only reflect my own experience.

Why can't he come to me and talk and get the attention he wants?

In my case, I completely dread conflict. And often times when talking with your spouse, conflict arises. We all have things we do and don't do that irritate each other. After years of living with each other, we almost know too much about our spouse. It's nearly impossible to have constant conversations with your spouse without the subject of the trash they didn't take out or the dishes they should have washed being raised. So to avoid being challenged on my own weaknesses, I buried them. I withdrew from my BW instead of drawing closer to her.

Why won't he let me be the friend, lover, wife I want to be to him?

For me, the answer was in the response he gave you:

He says he likes to have someone to talk to and likes the attention.

These words could have been mine last year. I had not developed the ability to see value in myself. I needed other people to stroke my ego to feel like I was a good person. I compounded it by wanting to be a KISA (knight in shining armor), because it put me in the position of "saving" someone from a tough situation. My BW has always been a strong woman, and would do well with or without me. She didn't need saving. My social immaturity led me to be attracted to people who I felt needed me to help them - thus I looked to others instead of my BW.

To some extent, I had always been this way. In high school my grandmother had a neighbor with a daughter who was three years younger than me. She had issues with drugs and was at one point placed in a rehab program. I became infatuated with her, wanting to help her with her partying issues - to be a stable influence on her. The adults running the program liked me because they saw me as a good influence, feeding my KISA tendencies.

In the end, after having promised for three years to be my prom date, she backed out one month before my prom to go with a guy from her school to their prom. I was crushed, but still bent over backwards to try to woo someone who would never want to date me for some time afterward. That's how powerful the addiction is.

For me, it remained dormant for a long time, but it surfaced again last year when both my BW and I were at highly stressful times in our lives and had put our M on the shelf to deal with kids, work, etc. When you have day to day challenges, it's impossible to stroke someone's ego 24 hours a day. When you are an OP, you only have to deal with the good - the notes, the cards, the displays of affection - without the reality of life - the bills, the taxi service for your kids, the stress of earning a living. Thus I took the easy path. I was weak, I was cowardly, and I was foolish.

Had I been exposed to resources like SI and many of the books discussed here, I might have avoided the problem. Yet we never face these issues until they hit crisis mode for some reason. I'm just thankful my BW and I have been able to turn it around and form something more stable and happier for both of us.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
tryn2survive
♀ Member
Member # 20197
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Listeningclosely I really appreciate you posting. Thank you so much! I have noticed that he is a VERY social person and is always trying to make his friends happy no matter what. It must be an ego boost for him to see other people appreciate him. I do appreciate him and everything he does for our family, but I cannot make him believe that. I want to be the one he goes to when he needs to talk, and not be afraid of getting in an arguement or worry about conflict.


Together 15yrs.
BSO-me-30
WSO-him-32
2 kids- 4 & 8
Dday#1- 01/2001 Multiple PA's
Dday#2- 03/2008 PA
Dday#3- 08/14/2008 EA (still have to verify)
Working on R

Posts: 126 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: missouri
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn2survive -

For me, the steps to work on these issues were pretty specific.

1. IC. I had to work with my counselor to first identify the low self esteem and conflict avoidance issues I had. Then I had to work with him to figure out ways to attack those issues.

2. Establish a non confrontational communication method with my BW. In our case, it's primarily SI with some IM. By using writing, I feel more confident I can get my full thoughts or message out before she responds. Before, it felt like I would get 25% of what I was thinking/feeling out and she would already be attacking my point of view. It doesn't help that she is a logical thinker (based on fact) and I am an emotional thinker (based on feelings). The result verbally was I felt we were always in a debate, and I would always lose because facts can't be disputed. Feelings shouldn't be either, but it's far tougher to defend them without supporting facts.

3. Consciously turn toward my BW when feeling strained instead of withdrawing. This still isn't perfected yet. I have to work hard at it, but it's important enough that I am giving it my fullest effort.

4. Work on the R process together. We have read books together and discussed chapters to find varying opinions (this worked really well with "After the Affair"). We have discussed posts here, both our own and others, together. We have become the team we need to be to have a successful M. Our goals are the same - to make each other delighted in the other's company. That makes the whole thing work far more effectively.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
tryn2survive
♀ Member
Member # 20197
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really do wish he was more like you and willing to do those things for me and himself. He is so guarded he will not aknowledge his feelings. He will hold them in and find someone that idolizes him to listen and tell him he is right. He thinks this SI stuff is all nonsense. He hates me being on this website! Says it causes more grief than good. I want to do the IC and MC but since no insurance it isn't an option. We are barely making it financially so I try to find information online to do a kindof self-help. I want him to come to this website and read what the other WS are going through. Maybe hopefully one day start posting too! I think it would help him a great deal but he has to want to be open to it.


Together 15yrs.
BSO-me-30
WSO-him-32
2 kids- 4 & 8
Dday#1- 01/2001 Multiple PA's
Dday#2- 03/2008 PA
Dday#3- 08/14/2008 EA (still have to verify)
Working on R

Posts: 126 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: missouri
cyclewife
♀ Member
Member # 17922
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Were you embarrassed by your affair? If so, how did you express this?


BS(me)-37,WS-40
3 kids-s-13, d-7, d-5
married 13 years
Affair started Aug 2007
He moved out 9/15/2007-Said he was moving in with his sister, he moved in with the OW.
OW-51,no one special, just a serial whore
R-hope he's not trying to trick me

Posts: 1314 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Texas
DoinAllICan
♂ New Member
Member # 20431
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My biggest struggle with my wife's affair is how she feels about the OM now 8 months later since D-Day and in the future. She says she feels disgust and remorse for the whole thing! She says she hates what she has done, etc. She tells me she feels nothing for the OM, etc. She has no good memories, etc. Yes, I see the tears and the pain she is dealing with now. I do believe they are genuine, but do WS's have any good memories from there affair. Do they have any positive thoughts whatsoever about the affair relationship? I can never live with thinking my wife might actually have any good thoughts/memories about a relationship that has destroyed everthing I once believed to be true!

Posts: 4 | Registered: Jul 2008
Fallen
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have fond memories of the A itself, or of the OP during the A. We were friends before, but those memories are now tainted by the lies and deceit of the A. The deception and betrayal of the A changes everything.

Like your wife, I am disgusted by my behavior and am very remorseful for what I did. I don't waste my time hating OP because he is a non-issue in our lives today.

So... short answer- do I have good memories of him? No. Every single memory of the OP is corrupted by what we did.


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23475 | Registered: May 2004
wheat
♀ Member
Member # 18918
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Were you embarrassed by your affair? If so, how did you express this?

Yes, during and after. I will occasionally have a flashback of something and cringe at the stupidity of the choice I made. As a single person, I didn't have anyone to express the embarrassment to, as I told no one of the A. I live(d) with it as a constant reminder to NEVER do something like that again.


"Every new day is another chance to change your life."

FSOW - late 30's, married now.


Posts: 209 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: midwest
shammarriage
♀ Member
Member # 18029
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a BS who never got more than trickle truth just a bit I do recall STBXWH saying that he loved me.

Early on Jan & February (dday Jan 8)he said he loved me and wanted to go to MC. After I filed for D in March he said he did not love me anymore and that he hadn't loved me for a long time. He said he knew his MOW loved her husband but he still had feelings for her.

Can any of you WSs comment. I go back and forth with any R would have been false to not loving me a nasty response to filing for D. My money was on the former as it didn't seem to me that a LTA of 10 plus years was easily ended and an affair to begin with couldn't have allowed for much love or respect for me. Any thoughts?



Posts: 94 | Registered: Feb 2008
Leila
♀ Member
Member # 17481
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

doinallican: nope. no good memories. zero. I wish I could erase all of them. memories are directly influenced by a change in point of view, and now that I see the A and everything before it for what it really was, there is no good that I can take from any of those thoughts.


Me: FWF, 26
Him: BF, 31 (helpmeiaminhell)
D-Day: 12/21/07
making wedding plans :)

remember what we've said, and done, and felt about each other...


Posts: 274 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: New England
nothereorthere
♀ Member
Member # 20530
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been three years since my husband's A tore us apart. He seems to think that it's been enough time & does the shutting out thing. He's never really been good at dealing with the fallout of his affair, which tends to slow my healing process down. If I ask him why he didn't tell me something, he replies it wasn't important. When I tell him that the affair is bothering me because something triggered it, he ignores me or rolls his eyes, often making the comment, "here we go again." I've gotten to the point that when it bothers me & he asks what is wrong, I reply, "nothing." What's the point in answering when he just gets angry that I brought it up which then makes me angry because he acts like it irratates him that it's bothering me. Sometimes I feel like the last three years of trying to heal from the A was a waste. My husband gives me the impression that he feels it's been long enough for me to heal & I see him going back to alot of his old ways. That's what got us in trouble in the first place. I'm tired of trying to get through to him and just feel indifference anymore.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a question for WSís who had a PA.
This may be too painful to answer so if you donít want to go there I completely understand.
The first time you had sex with your OP, what were you thinking and feeling? I mean at the moment when you were taking your clothes off and getting into bed, did you think to yourself that this was wrong and that you shouldnt be doing this? I find it hard to believe that you didnt think of your spouse and family. Did you feel trapped by all that came before it, all the flirting and secret conversations and now that the time had come to seal the deal did you feel trapped and thats why you went ahead with the deed? Or did you justify your actions by blaming your relationship or our spouse?
I just cant get my head around the thinking that went on at that exact moment. I try and place myself mentally into that position and I honestly dont think I could go through with the deed. Could someone please tell me how you could do it?


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3086 | Registered: Sep 2007
dtracey810
♂ Member
Member # 19608
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good question, Razor....I have wondered the SAME thing!! I look forward to hearing what a WS has to say about this.....it should be interesting!
Best wishes to ALL,
dtracey810


BS (me) 46
WS 50
Married: 3 years in July and there won't be a FOURTH!
D-Day #1: 4/08 - 6-7 month EA/PA with co-worker
D-Day #2: 8/9/08 ANOTHER co-worker
Papers filed: 8/20/08
Put a fork in it....it's DONE!!

Posts: 235 | Registered: May 2008 | From: The Heartland
SoDisappointed
♀ Member
Member # 19609
Default  Posted: 1:16 AM, August 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can barely read that question.....but I wonder all those things too!


DDay-Feb08
Divorced

Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left. ~Hubert Humphrey


Posts: 565 | Registered: May 2008
hawthorne_08
♀ Member
Member # 17687
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, August 17th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Personally, I find this a tad invasive and judgemental.


FWW
I am married with R on top
Me: 42
H: 43
DDay: 11/10/07

Remember that STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.


Posts: 3487 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Think Rice-a-Roni
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, August 17th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question....

I've just started getting caught up in this thread- there was an amazing amount of helpful information shared in the previous one. Anyways....

I don't think we have a lot of LTA W's but I'll put it out there in case there is some insight....
How is it that the fantasy doesn't crumble with a LTA and reality become more apparent? (In my situation, OW lived in our home for a year so there was no big fantasy ego boost anymore)


Other one is: before the OW moved in, WS did a great job in allowing her to become my best friend. We'd go out as a family (with my son) for lunches, she'd come over to play poker, help us all with projects, etc. I just can't understand HOW he could see that she was not my friend since their A was happening all along. After D-day his thoughts were that the A life was "separate" and she was my friend and your friend too. She is/was NOT my friend- she was supporting you in destroying our marriage and also playing an active role there. I don't understand how any spouse can support someone else in being so hurtful to their spouse.

Hope that makes sense.

THANKS!


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 8:57 PM, August 17th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor...

The WS's are not here to share their personal/sexual encounters. Please leave those types of questions for your own WS.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


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