I don't mind answering most questions, but some things are best left private between FWS and their BS.
"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."
Can any of you WSs comment.
The reaction depends on whether or not your STBX has NC or not. Based on his actions, I'm betting he still has regular contact with OP. Remember that an A takes on similar properties to an addiction. You try to step away - to be "clean and sober". Then you run into a stumbling point - your BS screams at you, your job is falling apart, you run into some financial difficulties. And you think "well, I felt so happy when I just talked with OP". So that's where some will turn for help.
The reality is that "good feeling" is only temporary. You then get smacked with the guilt of it, the stress of keeping it under wraps, etc. So you try to force yourself away again.
I needed several months of IC to turn the things I needed (a good opinion of myself and and ability to face conflict) into things I could do myself instead of things I looked to others to do for me.
The "waffling" in me (can I break away or not) came from a lack of confidence in myself. It required actions first, then the emotions came along for the ride. I managed to start and maintain NC at first just because it was the right thing to do. Now, it's second nature because I never stopped loving my BW. In fact, my love for her is incredibly deep - strong enough to counter an addiction to one of the most unhealthy women a man could meet. But it was only through prolonged NC, IC and focus on my family that I was able to see things clearly for what they were.
Through IC I've found ways to forgive myself for my actions. But I will carry a part of this load forever.
I have no positive memories from my A. Not that I didn't laugh or smile or feel some joy at moments when it was occurring. But everyone of those memories is tainted by injustice of my actions.
Ever hear the phrase "One Aw Shit erases a thousand Attaboys"? This is one clear cut example of that philosophy.
Keeping it to yourself will ultimately feed resentment in you as your WH keeps his head buried in the sand like an ostrich. One of the greatest gifts my BW gave me, fully aware I ran away from conflict all the time, was a conviction to force me to face myself and face reality. Over time, I came to realize this was a far better path than trying to "get over it".
Above all else, the choice to enter an A is a selfish one. For me, it was one of those moments where I placed what I wanted and desired above my BW and our family. I withdrew from them and shut them out while I adopted a sort of "tunnel vision" on the xMOW.
As a result of this choice, the impact to my family was totally lost. It wasn't an active thought for me. All I was focused on were the feelings I got from the ego stroking xMOW was giving me. In essence, in my warped thinking what she was doing "for me" had no impact on what we were "doing to" my family.
After D-day his thoughts were that the A life was "separate" and she was my friend and your friend too.
[This message edited by beach at 12:08 PM, August 18th (Monday)]
Thank you for your reply. My husband is & does admit to being a person that avoids conflict. He has worked on this, but I feel he needs to be more consistent with it. You are right about it building resentment in me. Lately, I seem to just shut down my feelings around him cause I get so tired of his reaction, so I choose to feel nothing. I'm sure that is just a safety measure for me guarding my heart. We was in counselling for a year on a regular basis & now we just go back when we feel we need it. Lately we haven't gone back at all. This being because this is an issue we went back for before & when we're at MC my WH is all willing to apply himself more. But he seems to fall back into his old habit of "just ignore it & hopefully it will go away" after just a few honest attempts of dealing with the A when I have triggers. I showed him this site & he did look it over & read what I wrote on this site also. He told me that after reading other wayward spouses replies he realizes he could be doing more & is going to try harder. I'm doubtful right now because I've heard this so many times before, so we'll see. Thanks for listening, it's helps.
You know a dear friend of mine asked me the other night What made you decide to stay? My DH had left me for another woman for four months and I decided to work my marriage out. We were discussing the affairs and things over IM and she said can I ask you a question. What made you decide to stay? Wow as much as I've thought about the affair and even considered this myself I have never actually had anyone else ask me. I think the question would be If I hadnt stayed how could I have not? Heres why.
I didn't marry my husband without first thinking of weather or not we would survive the hardest of situations. I didnt marry my husband with out knowing and truly believing I could take my marriage vows and hold true to them. Now I know what a lot of you are thinking well he sure didnt up hold his end. You are right he didnt. I in no way will justify that he made the wrong choice. I will say that we had hit a ruff spot in our marriage. I do know at the time I wasnt the easiest person to live with. We both had got caught up in the stresses of life. We both lost sight of what was truly important. We both had gave up and took our stress out on each other. My husband made a mistake a very bad mistake but its not one I cant forgive and its not one that we cant work through.
Heres my answer to the question. My husband is my best friend. I have never been able to have someone that I could talk to like him. He is my soul mate. Our hearts are connected and dance to a song that never ends. I feel something for him that I know I will not find with anyone else. Yes I know there are other fish in the sea but this fish is the one that I can swim through life with no matter what.
Forgiving him has not been easy. Trust has not been gained back just yet. I can say though that after it all we both learned a lesson that can bring us closer than we ever were. We both learned we can not take our love for granted. We both have to work to keep the fire burning and the sparks alive. We both now know that no matter how hard life gets we still have to have our romantic time and show each other how much we love each other. I honestly do believe we can now be closer than we have ever been. Not just friends but lovers too.
We both learned we can not take our love for granted. We both have to work to keep the fire burning and the sparks alive. We both now know that no matter how hard life gets we still have to have our romantic time and show each other how much we love each other.
Good luck with your R journey!!
What do you want from your BS during R? On a day to day basis, a week to week basis, a monthly basis, etc?
It seems that most of R is focused on what the WS does for the BS. Rightfully so, too, but I am wondering what little things WSs would like in return from their BSs? For example, I gave my WH my minimum requirements for R shortly after D-day. I also offered to do them too. Specifically we are both getting IC in addition to MC, and he is being 100% transparent, but I have also offered to be transparent myself. I have no reason to be because I never broke my trust, but I think it says something that I'm willing to do the same things I ask of him right along side him. Also I think it helps him get the idea that nothing should be hidden unless there is something to hide! I offered to do that when he agreed to my minimum requirements. But I also asked him what he wanted from me to make R a productive process for both of us.
He said he wanted to be reminded sometimes that I love him and that I support him and that I want to be with him. He said thats all he needs for R is my love and support despite knowing I will get upset and angry and hurt often. :D
So, WSs, is there anything you want from your BS in return during R? Such as talking instead of yelling? Avoiding the snarky comments? Knowing your BSs triggers to help avoid them/comfort through them? Input?
Thanks WSs for any answers.
Me (BS): 21
Him (ArmyGuy) (WS): 22
I am with your H on this one. I want my BH to let me know that he does love me. I would also like him to "talk" to me.... not yell at me when he has a bad day or triggers. The little things he does mean the most to me right now. Just the smallest touch tells me that he still loves me. I would love for him to stop with the rude comments and/or name calling when he is upset but I do not force the issue. His words help him to work through the issue at hand. The fact that my BH still puts his family first really says it all. I don't think I can ask for any more than what he is giving. I take what I can get and REALLY cherish the good days, hold on to them tightly, becasue I know there will be another bad day ahead....
Last night WH & I were talking about OW becoming my friend and how he (during the A) couldn't see that as contradictory and he said "not that I'm trying to make this as an excuse" but I somehow rationalized that because she was helping us out ie: babysitting the kids, becoming your friend, eventually paying us rent, that the positives outweighed everything else that was going on. He said, it sounds ridiculous to me now but somehow I could see it that way and push forward. He also said- At the time, I would have seen what I was doing was seen as much worse than allowing her to become your friend....and if I couldn't clear my head enough to process the A aspects itself- the friendship piece certainly wasn't processed.
Hope that makes sense. It was a little helpful to me.
D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA
"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".
I struggle with this...if I ever do let my H back in, will I love him the same way I did before?
Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left. ~Hubert Humphrey
I'll be honest that I am afraid to get my hopes up that the fog might have lifted. Could anyone offer up their opinions?
For the couples who have successfully R'd, do you, the FWS, ever worry that your BS will cheat on you?
Do you feel that their love for you is as strong as or stronger than it was pre-A or pre-D-day?
I struggle with this...if I ever do let my H back in, will I love him the same way I did before
That is only you can answer to that question. Good luck with your R journey.
He says he does not understand himself yet and needs time to process. He is asking me to be patient. I have been patient for 4 months and have not thrown him out.... I'm running out of patience. Am I expecting too much in needing that answer?
He says the only truth he is absolutly sure of is that I am his life, he loves me, I am what makes him the best he can be and he has "come home " after a long journey. If I wasn't enough for him many years ago when I was younger, more vital and happy, why would I be what he wants now when I am older, more tired and broken. How will I ever be able to let go of this and believe him?
We are reconciled 150%.
Good luck with your R journey.