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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's
dayatatime
♀ Member
Member # 17090
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, September 5th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did you ever reach a point where you panicked and said to yourself "OMG, what am I doing? This would KILL my BW if she ever found out?"

Did you ever have a moment of clarity, during the A, where you looked at AP and think "I could throw my entire life and family away with this...what the hell am I doing?"

In other words, did you have compassion for your spouse during the A? Did you get that it was wrong while it was going on? Or was the fog so thick that you were able to justify it 24/7?

My WH told me he "didn't think it would hurt" me if he cheated. He didn't seem to even see what he had to lose until he was out of the fog. I have a hard time trusting someone who could not begin to get how hurtful and harmful As are!

BS 47
WH 50
son 8
Cday 9/25/07


BS 52
WH 55
son 13
ddays 9/27/07 and 9/1/10

Posts: 763 | Registered: Nov 2007
shot*dead
♀ Member
Member # 19440
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, September 5th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have any of you ever heard of (or perhaps done it yourselves) exaggerating the extent of the affair to justify the BS's pain?

First DDay was in 1996. In 2000, when pressed for answers, my H gave me the gory details and I believed that he was attracted to this woman and had fallen in love with her.

Only a few months ago, he said that he knew how devastated I was by the whole thing and how our entire marriage had been ruined by it and he couldn't bear that it had all been sacrificed for nothing. So, he's saying that what he told me 8 years ago was a total fabrication and that in reality, he barely knew the girl.

I can't find any information on this subject. I was wondering if anyone had ever heard of such a thing.


Posts: 73 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Twilight Zone
nothereorthere
♀ Member
Member # 20530
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, September 8th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My son just got married & we threw them a reception which I arranged myself. Talk about a trigger! I was fine the entire time I kept busy planning & organizing the reception & the day of the reception. However, the day after, my H's affair hit me like a ton of bricks! It's been three years since his affair & I can go a month or two at a time now without it being musch of a problem for us. So you would think when something like our son's wedding of course triggers my feelings about the affair, he would be able to be there for me. But three years later I still get him withdrawaling & then when I say he could say something, he replies angrily & sarcastically. I've come to the conclusion that I am never going to get what I need from him. Can anyone out there tell me why he reacts this way & is there any hope??? He' put real effort in and is great when things are going well, but when something triggers me about the affair, I get nothing then anger & sarcasm. Those times & his reaction really matter to me. Feels to me like he dosen't get how much he really hurt me. All I see at those times is the guy he was when he had the affair. Help please!

Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, September 8th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dayatatime -

did you have compassion for your spouse during the A? Did you get that it was wrong while it was going on? Or was the fog so thick that you were able to justify it 24/7?

It depends on where in my slippery slope you are talking about. Early on, I wasn't thinking about how wrong it was because I had myself convinced I was developing a "friendship". As it progressed, yes - the stress related with an awareness that if my BW found out she would be hurt surfaced. The problem was by that point I was so addicted to the xMOW that I couldn't find the ability to stop myself.

It's why I feel so strongly that what I experienced was so similar to a drug addict. They know the damage that is done to themselves and everyone around them. Yet they can't break themselves free of their addiction and continue the harmful behavior. That's what it felt like to me.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, September 8th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

shot*dead -

Have any of you ever heard of (or perhaps done it yourselves) exaggerating the extent of the affair to justify the BS's pain?

I did not exaggerate the details to justify the pain. With that said, I can say the way I looked at things while still in my fog (through about 5 months past D-Day) and how I see them in the clarity of post fog are very different.

During the fog, I saw love. Post fog, I saw addiction. Both are powerful forces, but they are not the same thing.

So I can certainly understand the story changing over time as the vision of a FWS clears and reality sets in.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, September 8th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nothereorthere -

Can anyone out there tell me why he reacts this way & is there any hope???

I can't guarantee this is the case with your WH. But for me, when I show those types of symptoms it's because I am not effectively finding that place within myself where I am strong and know I'm a good person. I'm allowing the self doubt and feelings of inferiority creep back in.

I'd say this is as good a reason as any to go back for an appointment or two with the IC to talk through it. It doesn't have to mean six months of sessions. Just a "tune up" to deal with this one specific issue and move forward.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
nothereorthere
♀ Member
Member # 20530
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, September 8th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks again listeningclosely.
I guess there is still hope then. I was wondering if he just feels guilt over what he did when I bring up the affair. It does seem to be the case to me, but I keep second guessing it because there's always that doubt for me now wondering if he really just dosen't care. But when I think of it all logically instead of emotionally I realize that he has changed for the better in so many ways so he really is trying. Just don't know what I'm going to do about him withdrawing & ansering me like he's angry when I come across a trigger & bring up the affair. We've gone back to counselling more then once for this specific reason and he acts like he really does want to give me what I need when the triggers arise, but for some reason that I can't figure out he just can't seem to do it. Maybe I need to look at what he is doing right & not what he isn't. Too bad that's such a big thing to me though, makes it tough.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
shot*dead
♀ Member
Member # 19440
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, September 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Listening closely---thank you SO much for replying. You've helped immensely.

Posts: 73 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Twilight Zone
TICKED OFF
♀ Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, September 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS's ..........Do you think you would have stayed with your spouse or SO if the shoe were on the other foot and you were the BS, the one who found out that YOUR SO had cheated on you??? My h constantly says that he would have stayed with me, but I have my doubts that it would have been as easy as he thinks it would have been.

[This message edited by TICKED OFF at 5:53 PM, September 9th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2389 | Registered: Sep 2005
Ibelieveinlove
♀ Member
Member # 20921
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, September 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TICKED OFF:

Before my A, I would have said that an A is a definite dealbreaker... but that is without understanding all the various reasons that people cheat. Having been on that side, I can safely say that I would stay if the situation were reversed or at least try.


Posts: 276 | Registered: Sep 2008
starrysky
♀ Member
Member # 14669
Default  Posted: 3:20 AM, September 10th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS's ..........Do you think you would have stayed with your spouse or SO if the shoe were on the other foot and you were the BS, the one who found out that YOUR SO had cheated on you??? My h constantly says that he would have stayed with me, but I have my doubts that it would have been as easy as he thinks it would have been.

Ticked Off: After my A ( a LONG time after, almost 18 months), I did find out my BH was having an affair. However, to my knowledge it was only an EA & it was outed before it went further, but there certainly was talk of it going beyond an EA in the messages I found.

After everything we had been through in those 18 months and knowing how much pain I caused BH, him having an EA (with him having the knowledge of how much he hurt) almost did cause me to leave him. His "excuse" was what I did was worse and if he didn't leave me then I shouldn't leave him..it was a very difficult time. In the end, he finally owned his own shit and we started & continue to go to MC and we're on the road to R.

Now, if I never would have had an A and found out he cheated on me? In all honesty I probably would still have stayed and tried to work through things the way we have. The main reason I considered leaving after his EA was because it just blew my mind & broke my heart that he would do that fully knowing how much it would hurt me because of how much it hurt him. I imagine the feelings I had at that point are a lot like a BS who has more than one DDay.

I hope this helps somewhat and (((HUGS)))

~Starry


"The grass is not greener on the other side, it's greener where you water it"

Me(37)-FWW/BS
Him(36)-BH/WH The love of my life
2 Daughters: 15,11
Married 14 years Together 17 years
11 Month EA & PA
Beautifully Reconciled


Posts: 585 | Registered: May 2007
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, September 10th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TO -

Do you think you would have stayed with your spouse

Yes, I would have. It would not be easy, I realize that. I recognize all of the pain that has to be overcome, all of the questions that need to be answered and all of the hard work needed to fully R. But I would have been as strong as my BW has been that I am committed to R and whatever that demands of me.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
LostinMass
♀ New Member
Member # 20494
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, September 10th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all,
Could really use some WS opinions on this?
I had my husband move out the middle of June, you can read my profile for more info!

I have been NC since Aug. with just 1 call since then. On Labor day he called and spoke to my daughter about how he went to the DRs.(was having trouble sleeping,upset stomach, rash on chest and is hair started falling out) well on 9/6 I seen him from my front porch as he was picking up our son, I had to tell him about our son being sick and medicine he was on. Well I got the shock of my life, he looked so pale, has lost alot of weight and was wearing a baseball cap(guess to cover up his loseing his hair).

He is the one who wanted this, why does he look like shit? Should'nt he be happy and healthy with a new love? Have any other WS here have this happen to them? Do you think guilt & remorse is eating him up inside?

Thanks



Posts: 45 | Registered: Aug 2008
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, September 10th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have seen this floating around and have an expecation in R that I am learning not to expect and it may be the doom of my M. As a WS have you been able to give your BS the same level of care and effort as your AP? Why or why not? If at first not what changed that you stepped up?

Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
JoePike
♂ Member
Member # 13207
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, September 10th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did you ever reach a point where you panicked and said to yourself "OMG, what am I doing? This would KILL my BW if she ever found out?"

Did you ever have a moment of clarity, during the A, where you looked at AP and think "I could throw my entire life and family away with this...what the hell am I doing?"

Like Listeningclosely, I didn't during the slide down the slope.

The two day trip it turned PA I spoke to my W on the phone and then it hit me like a brick, and I thought exactly what you wrote. But I can, sadly, honestly say that during the crossing of boundary from friendship to EA I wasn't thinking about how it would affect my W.

WS's ..........Do you think you would have stayed with your spouse or SO if the shoe were on the other foot and you were the BS, the one who found out that YOUR SO had cheated on you??? My h constantly says that he would have stayed with me, but I have my doubts that it would have been as easy as he thinks it would have been.

This is a very interesting and difficult question, as a mad hatter especially.

My xW thinking during her 3 year LTA that I would never ever forgive her for what she was doing, so she was going to make sure that I never found out. I don't know whether she ever considered that I could have an affair, but when I confessed to mine, she tried to alleviate my guilt by confessing a little bit about hers.

Whilst it seems she was able to forgive me for my A, she didn't think I could forgive her for her A, which ultimately led her to never really come clean and probably played a big part in the end of our marriage.

I did ask her if the roles had been reversed, and she did admit once that she didn't think she would have stayed if I'd had a 3 year A.


"Do or do not. There is no Try" - Yoda.

"The term “mistake” infers a level of ignorance, innocence and naivety. And a lack of intent and planning." - Craig Harper


Posts: 3952 | Registered: Jan 2007
Thinking hurts
♀ Member
Member # 20902
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, September 10th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did sex matter? I am a BS, and I have been doing a lot of soul searching. My question for the WS is how much did sex (or lack thereof) play in your decision to stray? If you had been having great sex with your BS, no matter what else was going on in the marriage, would you still have strayed?


Me: BS 56, FWH 54
M: 16 years
1 child - 12 y.o boy
DDay: 08/04/08
2nd DDay: 08/15/08 (our anniversary!)
3rd DDay: 9/12/08
In R and steadily getting better.


Happiness is found along the way, not at the end of the road.


Posts: 338 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Co
TwoHearts
♂ Member
Member # 20647
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, September 10th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did sex matter? I am a BS, and I have been doing a lot of soul searching. My question for the WS is how much did sex (or lack thereof) play in your decision to stray?

As a WS have you been able to give your BS the same level of care and effort as your AP? Why or why not?

Another BS here wondering about these same issues. Getting my WW to talk about the quality and quantity of the sex she had with OM is like two dogs fighting over the same bone, one wants to bury it and the other wants to dig it up.

The age old question about was it for the sex or did you keep going back to him because his sex was better than mine...and now the issues above questioning the ability to have or restore quality relations before or after the A.

I guess I am trying to ask the WW's how much sex played a role in staying in the affair and how did you cope with BH during and afterward? No HB here, almost wish there was.
Please PM me if you wish and thanks for your help.


1Sa 22:23 (NIV) - "Stay with me; don't be afraid; the man who is seeking your life is seeking mine also. You will be safe with me."

Posts: 681 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: 2nd Place
Ibelieveinlove
♀ Member
Member # 20921
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, September 10th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that as a woman, the lack of sex in my relationship contributed to me not feeling wanted and needing validation from another source... but i think a lot of WS will end up justifying A, no matter how great the sex is in their relationship.

My A was very little about sex and more just needing to connect with someone at the time. In fact, we only had sex twice and it was nothing spectacular... much better with BH... but just the feeling of someone wanting me that badly made me feel good about myself.


Posts: 276 | Registered: Sep 2008
Thinking hurts
♀ Member
Member # 20902
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, September 10th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I'm wanting to hear from WH whether if the sex had been great in the marriage, would they have doen more to work out the other issues or still strayed?


Me: BS 56, FWH 54
M: 16 years
1 child - 12 y.o boy
DDay: 08/04/08
2nd DDay: 08/15/08 (our anniversary!)
3rd DDay: 9/12/08
In R and steadily getting better.


Happiness is found along the way, not at the end of the road.


Posts: 338 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Co
foralways
♀ Member
Member # 18642
Concerned  Posted: 10:13 PM, September 10th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i guess mods will delete or just move my post, but i'm dissapointed that no one answered my thread question regarding False R? too bad for me


what's love got to do with it?
me BS 48 WH 49 M 24 yrs.
Children: awesome sons: 21& 23, amazing daughter 15
D day 2/11/08 - S 2/11/08
R working on it since 5/10/08
7/29/08 find out it was F R
filing for D 8/19/08~ filed 9/8/0
divorced 3/24/09

Posts: 1722 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Las Vegas
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