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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's
livin on edge
♀ Member
Member # 16969
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, October 17th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

beach - I've been told by a friend of OW that WH called her from the home of one of his friend's parents. I believe this person because he has been truthful in the past. I have not told WH about this but have asked him flat out if he's talked to her an he said no.

What advise do you have for me to get him to admit that they are talking before I go to these people and ask to see the phone records.


Me: BS 30
Him: WH 29
Married: 9/23/06 (no kids)
PA: 6/23/07
D-Day: 9/9/07

Posts: 76 | Registered: Nov 2007
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, October 17th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fyrepixie15,

He has to have willingness to work on his core problem. He needs to do his homework, too.

I would mention to his IC that he needs to address abandonment issue. Is he working on social anxiety part?

Thanks for nice words about my recovery progress. I started self-study alot about my FOO (abandonment and co-dependency issue) on my own by reading self-help books and joined womens only support group forums. Posting my thoughts out was theraputic for me.

I saw a family physician because of my feeling depression and lack of consentration and I am on anti depressant for 3 months and feeling better.
I then finally decided to see IC 1 month ago. I am working on self-esteem issue and social anxiety issue there. Sending you positive thoughts!!


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, October 17th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

living on edge,

What advise do you have for me to get him to admit that they are talking before I go to these people and ask to see the phone records.
Hm... Since you don't have no way of knowing, that's tough one. I have no idea.

I will have to come back to this, unless if any other FWSs can chime in....

Maybe you may want to post in General asking to both side (BS/WS).. you may get more wide range of response...

Hang in there!!

[This message edited by beach at 8:58 PM, October 17th (Friday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
fyrepixie15
♀ Member
Member # 20815
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, October 17th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think he is willing to work at it. This is a man who vowed NEVER to see another counselor (bad experience in childhood during foster care). And when I made my own counseling appt about 5 weeks ago he said he would be willing to go to MC. It floored me. I never thought he would do IC either, but after our first MC session she asked if she couldd see him alone and he agreed right then. So, yes, I do think he is willing to work. I am going to mention all of this at my appt Tuesday. I am definitely going first this time, we go back to back and every couple weeks have a MC session. Last time he went first and ran over 20 minutes into my time....his session was that intense. But, then I didn't get to cover very much and I think the whole thing kind of backfired on him.


Me 39
H 39
Married 14 yrs
DD 20
DS 18
D-Day 8/11/08
in IC, both of us


"You change for two reasons: Either you learn enough that you want to, or you've been hurt enough that you have to."


Posts: 1710 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Florida
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, October 17th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fyrepixie, He didn't have a healthy love role model when he grew up. I didn't read a good novel. My parents was never affectionate to each other. The attitude toward sex was very casual in my country and it is common to see topless women on TV after primetime. And Love Hotels are everywhere. TV and magazine were my love role model... Sheesh!!

Anyways, it is his job to get to learn what the healthy love is and that he cannot abandon himself no matter what. He must love himself and respect himself. Appreciate what he has in his life ......

I remember last 2 IC sessions were intense and felt drained.

[This message edited by beach at 9:17 PM, October 17th (Friday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
fyrepixie15
♀ Member
Member # 20815
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, October 17th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i think he has pretty much abandoned himself at this point. he doesn't think he is worthy ofmy forgiveness or my love, which he has unconditionally at this point. I just want us to start healing. I am actually texting back and forth with him now from his work. He just keeps saying he hates feeling this way and that he loves me. He almost called in sick tonight he didn't want to leave.

[This message edited by fyrepixie15 at 11:04 PM, October 17th (Friday)]


Me 39
H 39
Married 14 yrs
DD 20
DS 18
D-Day 8/11/08
in IC, both of us


"You change for two reasons: Either you learn enough that you want to, or you've been hurt enough that you have to."


Posts: 1710 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Florida
2CYYY
♂ Member
Member # 18240
Default  Posted: 1:26 AM, October 18th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here, living on edge, when I didn't want to reveal how I knew W had called OM from her friend's house, I said that OM had left a message saying, "hope I'm not making a mistake calling back and leaving a message at this number, but I didn't recognize the person who answered at the number you called from, so I wasn't sure what to do..."

It worked for me!

2cy


me - BS 43
her - fWS 42
12 y/o D
M 17 years until 6 mo EA w/two-night-stand
D-days starting 10/20/06 with ongoing TT and false/broken NC thereafter

Trying to R and pretend it never happened, which isn't working out as well as you might expect!


Posts: 96 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Halfway Between Anywhere and Everywhere
stateofshock
♀ Member
Member # 21287
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, October 18th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For the WS's out there with children...my cheating husband has left the home (I made him leave, but he didn't fight me on it, I think he wanted to go) but what really has me confused is that he has only seen our teenage daughter three times in the past month, and for only about an hour each time. This from a dad who was VERY involved in her life prior to this. I cannot for the life of me understand how he could abandon his daughter. Is this part of the fog? Did any of you go through this, and did you just not realize how much you were hurting your child? I have not tried to keep him from her at all...in fact, I have told him repeatedly that he needs to spend time with her, and that she is hurting.


Married 17 years.
Me-41
Him-45
D-Day 9/9/08
1 Daughter, 15 yrs old
OW is ex-wife from 22 yrs ago
He's been out of the house since 9/20.
R seems to be impossible now...

Posts: 277 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Southwest
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, October 18th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fyrepixie,

i think he has pretty much abandoned himself at this point. he doesn't think he is worthy ofmy forgiveness or my love, which he has unconditionally at this point. I just want us to start healing. I am actually texting back and forth with him now from his work. He just keeps saying he hates feeling this way and that he loves me. He almost called in sick tonight he didn't want to leave.
I would highly recommend him the books Journey from abandonment to healing by Susan Anderson. Also Louise Hay's books (You can heal your life, you can heal yourself) are good. You can PM me if you want to discuss further.


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, October 18th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi stateofshock,

For the WS's out there with children...my cheating husband has left the home (I made him leave, but he didn't fight me on it, I think he wanted to go) but what really has me confused is that he has only seen our teenage daughter three times in the past month, and for only about an hour each time. This from a dad who was VERY involved in her life prior to this. I cannot for the life of me understand how he could abandon his daughter. Is this part of the fog? Did any of you go through this, and did you just not realize how much you were hurting your child? I have not tried to keep him from her at all...in fact, I have told him repeatedly that he needs to spend time with her, and that she is hurting.

I have 2 children. During A, they were in HS and Jr.HS.

(Though I have never left for xOM. H was willing to D, but I refused. I chose us. ) Anyways, as long as your WH is still in contact with OW, he is carry on his A and is in Fog. In order for him to snapp out of it, he has to hit the rock bottom. Some of them are when they lose jobs, family (D), or when they were cheated by OW and get hurt. Right now, he is in the addictive relationship. He has to realize that his addiction is taking over him and it is affecting his daily routine or task.

As for me, having a double life caused me to have an identity crisis. I didn't know who I was anymore.

Have you exposed his A to OW's husband?

I needed to have cold turkey treatment (NC) to wearn myself off from my choice of drug (xOM). In other word, I needed to Detox (He-tox) from my system. That was the only way to come to senses.

My PA was 6.5 year long. With complete total NC, it took me 3 months to get out of withdrawal stage, and then at the 6 months mark, I felt indifference toward xOM and at the 1 year mark, I consider xOM as non-existant.

If you haven't read "After the Affair" and "Not Just Friends" by Shirly Glass, I would highly recommend it.

In the mean time, please be nice to you!!

Hugs. Hope this helps.

[This message edited by beach at 11:56 PM, October 18th (Saturday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
stateofshock
♀ Member
Member # 21287
Default  Posted: 2:11 AM, October 19th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your answers, Beach. The OW in this case is not married, so there is no husband to tell. It has been about six weeks since I learned of the A, and he has been out of the house for 4 weeks. He currently has no place to live, the OW lives out of State, and I think he is spending his time there alot of the time. We have a home based business which he is now completely neglecting, and he is looking for a regular job here in our city (he says he won't move to the OW's State because he won't leave his daughter--but he never comes to see her anyway!!!). I can't believe he hasn't hit rock bottom yet, as you were stating. He has basically cut ties to everyone in his family (they are siding with me) and almost all of his friends. Financially he is almost completely broke. I told him I am filing for divorce, which I will do as soon as I can get together the $$ for the attorney. I guess he is still "addicted" as you say. I still keep thinking that he'll come to his senses and realize what he did (you said it took you three months to get out of the withdrawl stage, so maybe at six weeks he is not ready). But his A only lasted about 3 months so I don't get how he can be SO attached? And now, I don't want him even if he does come back.

Did your kids know about your A? How did they handle that?


Married 17 years.
Me-41
Him-45
D-Day 9/9/08
1 Daughter, 15 yrs old
OW is ex-wife from 22 yrs ago
He's been out of the house since 9/20.
R seems to be impossible now...

Posts: 277 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Southwest
drowninginsorrow
♀ Member
Member # 4545
Red  Posted: 9:16 AM, October 19th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

to BS, this thread is for exclusively for the FWS to answer BS questions


Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.- Matt Groening
"I've found the secret to life. I'm ok when everything is not ok"- Tori Amos lyrics

Posts: 56712 | Registered: Jun 2004 | From: canuckistan
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, October 19th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stateofshock,


Thanks for your answers, Beach. The OW in this case is not married, so there is no husband to tell. It has been about six weeks since I learned of the A, and he has been out of the house for 4 weeks. He currently has no place to live, the OW lives out of State, and I think he is spending his time there alot of the time. We have a home based business which he is now completely neglecting, and he is looking for a regular job here in our city (he says he won't move to the OW's State because he won't leave his daughter--but he never comes to see her anyway!!!). I can't believe he hasn't hit rock bottom yet, as you were stating. He has basically cut ties to everyone in his family (they are siding with me) and almost all of his friends. Financially he is almost completely broke. I told him I am filing for divorce, which I will do as soon as I can get together the $$ for the attorney. I guess he is still "addicted" as you say. I still keep thinking that he'll come to his senses and realize what he did (you said it took you three months to get out of the withdrawl stage, so maybe at six weeks he is not ready). But his A only lasted about 3 months so I don't get how he can be SO attached? And now, I don't want him even if he does come back.
Did your kids know about your A? How did they handle that?

Our kids don't know about my PA as of today. It was open to H, but we decided that we just kept it to ourselves, so no one else in our family, friends and co-workers don't know either. (we had a threesome lifestyle almost for out entire M, and it was our norm.... It is a long story, but it is in my profile journal. As soon as I ended my PA with a long term xOM 2 years ago, we are no longer in the lifestyle.)

I joined here 3 years ago, but I took a break and I came back last year to start posting actively, but I don't know any FWS SI members who left for xOM and snap out of it and still actively post here.
If you would like to get more responses, you may want to post your question asking both BS/WS in General and then you may be able to get more wide range of advice or responses from who were in your shoes....


The reason your H is isolating himself from the rest of his world (family and reality) is so that he can continue his addiction (A) and escape to his own fantasy world. He is like an addicts, thus he has unhealthy mindset, so don't let him define your M.

The anger is good. Even though short lived A, if it was EA, it has more stronger effect than it was PA (ONS).

Hang in there. Be nice to you.

[This message edited by beach at 7:27 PM, October 19th (Sunday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
TICKED OFF
♀ Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, October 19th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If any of you WS's have seen the movie "Fireproof" can you pleas give me your opnion on it. I would like to know if you got angry, sad, emotional, or whatever, when you saw the movie.

I would like to know your spin on how it shows the beginning of an a with the soon to be cheating couple. I myself, thought that the couple looked rather ricdiculas as they ventured into the affair. I just wanted your take on the movie if any of you have seen it.


Posts: 2386 | Registered: Sep 2005
whatisnext
♂ New Member
Member # 14897
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, October 20th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Quick question, my wife claims that when things are brought up, or she sees places where her and her friends at been, it makes her feel sick, bad, and that she has "no good memories" of those situations. I don't get it, would appreciate others honest thoughts, the encounters had to be intense (she doesn't deny that), she was obviously physically and emotionally turned on, how can she not claim she has bad thoughts of something that must have felt so good, again, looking for honest replies, good or bad, please don't "sugar coat" so somehow make me feel better, thanks,

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jun 2007
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, October 20th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi TickedOff, we haven't seen the movie yet, but when I do, I will let you know.

Hi whatisnext,

Quick question, my wife claims that when things are brought up, or she sees places where her and her friends at been, it makes her feel sick, bad, and that she has "no good memories" of those situations. I don't get it, would appreciate others honest thoughts, the encounters had to be intense (she doesn't deny that), she was obviously physically and emotionally turned on, how can she not claim she has bad thoughts of something that must have felt so good, again, looking for honest replies, good or bad, please don't "sugar coat" so somehow make me feel better, thanks,


I am FWW. 2 years out of LT (6.5 year) PA/EA. It was open to H. H was well aware that I enjoyed sexual relationship with xOM during PA.

I went through the SWIRL (Shattering - Withdrawal - Internalizing - Rage - Let go) grieving process.

It took me 3 months to get out of withdrawal stage, which made me miss xOM if I hear or see any reminder of A, so I avoided all triggers at all cost. At the 6 months mark, I was able to feel indifferent about xOM. At the 1 year mark, I consider xOM as non-existant in daily life.


He recently asked me if I still miss anything to do with xOM and ever compared. I said no, there is no comparison. I don't miss anything about xOM or sex with xOM, if the thoughts popps up, it also brings up the icky memories that associates with, and makes me sick. so no I don't miss any of it at all.

So, I am with your W on this.
I hope this helps. Only SOME FWSs still hold onto the memories and feel fondness.

[This message edited by beach at 9:07 AM, October 20th (Monday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
Ibelieveinlove
♀ Member
Member # 20921
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, October 20th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also have no fond memories of the A... like others have said, the reality of what I have done and the shame and disgust at myself clouds any fond memories that there could be.

Also, after the fog lifted, I realized that my feelings for the OP during the A were not real, it was fantasy-land... which also clouds any fond memories that i could ever have.


Posts: 276 | Registered: Sep 2008
Devestatedx5
♀ Member
Member # 16557
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, October 20th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Obviously, I'm failing miserably. I know it, he feels it.

Please, all WS's, please help!!!

I know that I don't "verbalize" my thanks to fWH about the efforts he's made/is making to repair our relationship, to support me in times of weakness, etc.

What SPECIFICALLY can a BS do/say to express their thankfullness (when the hurt was caused by the WS to begin with), to show their appreciation, etc.

I recognize that I'm having a very hard time "verbalizing" it, but I certainly recognize and feel it. I just am not able to "say" it to him.

I recognize that he needs to know that he's doing the right things, saying the right things, that I appreciate the efforts he's puting forth etc.

My inability (or unwillingness - I honestly don't know which) is begining to cause us to stumble and inflict emotional hurt (via distancing) between us.


FBS-me (49)
FWH(57) ONS 8.19.07
Dday: 9.19.07
Married +26 years
RE-MARRIED 4.28.11
----------
Proverbs 31:10-31
Sometimes people are SO open-minded that that their brains fall out.

Posts: 2598 | Registered: Oct 2007
Ibelieveinlove
♀ Member
Member # 20921
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, October 20th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Devestatedx5,

To be fair, he should continue doing those things to repair your relationship, even if you do not expressly thank him for it...

But yes, everyone does need appreciation and it is very helpful as a WS to know that you are on the right track. You showing appreciation will go a long way in encouraging him to continue doing the right things.

Why is it hard for you to thank him? i I would suggest just saying "thank you" and trying to communicate your appreciation any way that you can. That is the most simple and heartfelt way. If that is too hard, then maybe writing him a letter or an email... it helps if you can specifically list what you are thankful for or appreciate.


Posts: 276 | Registered: Sep 2008
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, October 20th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Devestatedx5,
Obviously, I'm failing miserably. I know it, he feels it.
Please, all WS's, please help!!!
I know that I don't "verbalize" my thanks to fWH about the efforts he's made/is making to repair our relationship, to support me in times of weakness, etc.
What SPECIFICALLY can a BS do/say to express their thankfullness (when the hurt was caused by the WS to begin with), to show their appreciation, etc.
I recognize that I'm having a very hard time "verbalizing" it, but I certainly recognize and feel it. I just am not able to "say" it to him.
I recognize that he needs to know that he's doing the right things, saying the right things, that I appreciate the efforts he's puting forth etc.
My inability (or unwillingness - I honestly don't know which) is begining to cause us to stumble and inflict emotional hurt (via distancing) between us.

Awww that is so sweet of you. My H and I are not the face to face conversation type either. I have 3 things that I can think of. We have been playful and affectionate to each other. I have shown him my love by act of service, or gift. Pick up the stuffs that he likes, and give him hugs. My H does do the same. What is his love language? My H's love is physical touch.
Does your FWH lurk your post? Even he doesn't lurk, you can post your appreciation inventory in Recon and then print and show that to him. I have done that.
Have you thought about getting him a card, or small note?

I hope this helps.

ETA: If it is hard for you to make a great deal, how about you just say "Thank You" whenever he does help around house, or does something nice thing for you. I hope he does.

If you do that as a practice, it may be easier to say appreciation in the great length. Baby step. Practice good manners and polite with each other. And then saying thank you will be your second nature.

[This message edited by beach at 4:03 PM, October 20th (Monday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
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