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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's
Dare2Trust
♀ Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, October 20th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question for any WS's who might reply:

My WH angrily made a horrible statemen to me tonight. Our D-day was November 3, 2005.
He said:
"You talk about trust all the time. How do I know you aren't screwing around on me all day while I'm at work, HUH?"
I was absolutely shocked, and extremely hurt. I've never done anything to give my husband any indication that I'd have an affair; or sleep around on him.
Awhile later, he apologized and said he "was sorry."
I told him: "You need to stop doing things that you are sorry about."

Do WS's often accuse the BS of having affairs? If so, why do they do this?
Thanks


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6084 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
fyrepixie15
♀ Member
Member # 20815
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, October 21st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H used to joke with me aabout that too sometimes, he was never serious as far as I know, but when I would see him talking to a woman online(usually people he grew up with, which wasn't anything I worried about and still don't) I would make the joke about him cheating...he would turn it around on me...which is what he does and has always done with everything...until now. I am so glad he hasn't done that with the A.


Me 39
H 39
Married 14 yrs
DD 20
DS 18
D-Day 8/11/08
in IC, both of us


"You change for two reasons: Either you learn enough that you want to, or you've been hurt enough that you have to."


Posts: 1710 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Florida
reallyhurting
♀ Member
Member # 19305
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, October 21st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here wanting to hear from some WS's. I am six months out from D-Day and I am still so hurt and angry that I just don't know where this is going to end up. I have learned so much about my husband that I cannot get past. For instance, he did some "online flirting" back in 2000 (I knew about that), he had a one night stand in 2001 (with a woman from my work and we just had a baby), then in 2006 he started up a full love affair with a girl from his work and I also found an on-line profile and ad that he placed. Can this person ever be true to me? I have a very difficult time believing that he can ever change. Like I said, D-Day was in April and he didn't delete his "ad" until May 30. WTF? I continue to ask questions and all he can say is "I have already answered that". Don't you think that even if I do ask some of the same questions over and over again, he should answer them? You see...my H did all of his indiscresions with women of a difference race than us and I'm trying to figure it out. My big thing is...if he is attracted to a different race, I cannot change my race and he needs to move on and find someone of that race. Am I thinking wrong? We are in counseling and he is in IC but I just don't think that any counselor in the world can help me unless they have been through this. I continue to cry on a daily basis and I can't get over how much he has humiliated me and made me look like such a damn fool. I know that nobody can tell me what to do but I just need some advise. Can he change? Should I wait to see if he can? How long do I wait? Why won't he answer my questions? I feel like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown and I just don't know what to do. I need some serious help.


BS (me)
WH
Children: 2

Divorced and absolutely loving life
D-Day: 4/14/2008


Posts: 264 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: East Coast
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, October 21st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Dare2Trust,


Do WS's often accuse the BS of having affairs? If so, why do they do this?

I haven't accused my BH of having afairs, but only time it shook me was, when he did a side job for a lady who used to live in our neighborhood 3 years ago, seems too friendly to us and when he received a check from her, I saw a note line marked xoxo and got me wonder and asked him "what does she mean?" and he said "I don't know. Did you think something was going on?". I didn't accuse him that and I said "no I just wondered".


Accusation is coming from insecurity, jealousy, and the experience.

I hope this helps.

[This message edited by beach at 9:49 AM, October 21st (Tuesday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, October 21st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi reallyhurting,

I continue to ask questions and all he can say is "I have already answered that". Don't you think that even if I do ask some of the same questions over and over again, he should answer them?
Yes, remorseful FWS does answer any questions that BS asks even it was already questioned. When he become defensive like that, he is not truely remorseful. The guilt and shame are causing his behavior. Looks like he had a history of multiple A? When he had A in 2000, 2001, and 2006, has he sought his FOO (family of orgin) issue and finding whys.....?

My big thing is...if he is attracted to a different race, I cannot change my race and he needs to move on and find someone of that race. Am I thinking wrong?
What does he say about that?


Can he change? Should I wait to see if he can? How long do I wait?

I cannot guarantee that if he is willing to change, he can change the preference, but that it is up to you to decide how long you want to wait for him to change. But my concerning is, is he in for R and what has he done to help you heal?

I hope this helps. Hang in there.


[This message edited by beach at 10:14 AM, October 21st (Tuesday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
reallyhurting
♀ Member
Member # 19305
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, October 21st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Beach. Regarding the different race, he says that the race doesn't matter but EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING has been done with the other race so I find that extremely hard to believe. Wouldn't you?

As far as finding the origin of his issues...yes...we have discovered what may be the origin and he is in IC however, I can't seem to move forward.

I can say that he is quite ashamed and embarassed. However, I feel that if he really wanted to make this work he would answer every single question, even if I asked the same one 1,000 times. Maybe I expect too much from him, maybe not. Right now my head is spinning and I don't feel any better now then I did on day one. I hate the OW and I want to see what she looks like so very bad. She moved to a different state and I'm considering hiring a PI just to get a picture of her. I have to have some sort of idea of what my husbands "type" is. He swears that it's me, but I beg to differ.

Why...why do people do this? How can they say that they love you yet share such intimate moments with someone else and tell someone else that they love them? I am really going deeper into a depression and that scares me. What do I do?


BS (me)
WH
Children: 2

Divorced and absolutely loving life
D-Day: 4/14/2008


Posts: 264 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: East Coast
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, October 21st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

reallyhurting,

Regarding the different race, he says that the race doesn't matter but EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING has been done with the other race so I find that extremely hard to believe. Wouldn't you?
Yes, I can understand and that I agree with you.

However, I feel that if he really wanted to make this work he would answer every single question, even if I asked the same one 1,000 times. Maybe I expect too much from him, maybe not.
No, it is not unreasonable. Does his answer always change (no consistancy)? Have you tried asking in writing form (he can answer objectively and his answer will be there for you and no changes)?

I want to see what she looks like so very bad.She moved to a different state and I'm considering hiring a PI just to get a picture of her. I have to have some sort of idea of what my husbands "type" is.

That maybe a part of reason why you cannot let go and obsessing, too. Do you think that is going to help you heal?


I don't think that simply knowing what she looks like will bring you the elusive "closure".

I think once you know what she looks like, it will just trigger other things which you think you will have to do to find peace. Next it will be "I just have to talk with her". It will go on and on.

This ends when you say it does. You're chasing something external, when in fact the end - the "closure" - comes from within yourself.

You get to decide when you don't have to chase something anymore.

(((hugs)))

Why...why do people do this? How can they say that they love you yet share such intimate moments with someone else and tell someone else that they love them?
It is because majority of FWSs are selfish.

[This message edited by beach at 12:29 PM, October 21st (Tuesday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
roccodom
♀ Member
Member # 19714
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, October 21st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BIG QUESTION - WHAT THE hell is with the trickle truth.

Found out EA Beginning of May - lies
Found out about PA middle of May - lies
beginning of June it ended - lies.

Now today - Middle of August sex ended, but he saw her 3 weeks ago - two weeks after filing a restraining order against her.

He can't make anyone not like him.

Yet he tells me he has never been happier and all he wants is me and the kids - where is the honesty - where is the transparency.

He says he's too afraid for me to know what a scumbag he is.


BS - me (45) WS - him (45)
married 16 yrs (DS 11yrs, DD 9yrs)
#1 PA - DDay 12/97
#2 PA DDay 5/08
#3 PA DDay 2/12
Trying R
Buddhism teaches that a craving for things outside ourselves causes an unhappy and pointless search for security.


Posts: 789 | Registered: May 2008 | From: MO
hissadwife
♀ Member
Member # 14982
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, October 22nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deleted. Sorry, that was a stupid question.

[This message edited by hissadwife at 7:06 AM, October 23rd (Thursday)]


Does this wedding ring make my dick look big?

Posts: 4362 | Registered: Jun 2007
TNT1970
♂ Member
Member # 21351
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, October 22nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looking for some kind of answers from a WW. My WW started her A 6 weeks ago in front of my sister at a hotel party with the OM, so she wanted to get caught. The OM had recently got home from the marines, my sister found out since she was talking to him first at the bar before the hotel party. My WW started to be in competition with my sister and actually won over him. Later at the hotel the OM tried to coerce the both of them to have sex. But since my sister has a conscience, she said no. My WW on the other hand, after saying, "I can't do this" decided to have sex in front of my sister who immediately left(after trying to talk my WW out of it). Now mind you my WW and I have been separated form a year becuase of lack of communication and her personality disorders & addictions to marijuana & prescription pills & no job. But 2 months ago we were talking about moving back in together & starting our family, & now this. My WW lied at first, but of course I found out from my sister. I went to confront my WW at her brother's house where she has been staying, only to find WW with OM sleeping in bed together. Now my WW has no remorse other than saying "I didn't want to hurt you." And she is ambivalent. First she says "We're done." and wants the D. And I said "Is that what you want?" And she replies "Idon't know, I can't make big decisions, but I think we should date other people." That was the last time I saw WW. What do I do? Hope that the OM sees all of her addictions/personality disorders/lack of employment & he runs. Or do I force the issue of either R or D to her? Help please.

Posts: 151 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Toledo, Ohio
letting_go
Member
Member # 13774
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, October 22nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When you were officially done with cheating did you give up ALL or MOST of your bad habits?


"To change and to improve are two different things."
Anonymous. German proverb.

"It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." Frederick Douglass (1818-1895)


Posts: 3704 | Registered: Feb 2007
completeshock
♀ Member
Member # 19334
Default  Posted: 2:02 AM, October 23rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WSO is currently in IC. In a conversation with me, it came out that he is not being completely honest with his therapist. He told his IC that we had separated because of communication issues and that he had started his EA with the OW after we had separated. He failed to mention that she was in the picture way before we separated and that she was a cause of the separation. He later changed his story and said that he had discussed the OW being one of the causes of our separation. When I asked him what the therapist said about this his response was, "I talked about it with him months ago and I don't remember what he said." What good is going to IC if you don't even remember what was talked about. My question is, do you think my WSO is still in the fog? I thought that when he came to me wanting to work on our relationship he was coming out of the fog, but I'm not so sure. I don't know if this is the fog or if he is just a selfish person.


Sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 1727 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: East Coast
Devestatedx5
♀ Member
Member # 16557
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, October 23rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((beach))) & (((Ibelieveinlove)))
Thank you for your advice.


FBS-me (49)
FWH(57) ONS 8.19.07
Dday: 9.19.07
Married +26 years
RE-MARRIED 4.28.11
----------
Proverbs 31:10-31
Sometimes people are SO open-minded that that their brains fall out.

Posts: 2598 | Registered: Oct 2007
nooneeverthought
♀ Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, October 23rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did you as a WS consider yourselves R'ed before your BS did as opposed to just R'ing. I am getting close to making the declaration, I asked my H a few weeks ago if he would say R'ing or R'ed, he didn't hesitate to say R'ed, then he got a little nervous and said we are right? I said getting there...I am still just so hurt.........


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
NoLongerWantHim
♀ Member
Member # 19934
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, October 23rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not gonna pretty this up at all.

FWH has not offered all of his passwords - nor access to his computer. He does forward some incoming mail. But I have passwords to 4 or 5 of his e-mail and IM accounts.

Am I wrong in checking up when I feel the need?

We're 4 months out, I'm pretty sure he's NC, but I get the urge to see.


Me & the kids are having the malignancy removed.

If I went to Hogwarts, my Patronus would be my Big Sister - GWADW


Posts: 4117 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Where I want to be, on the road to the future
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, October 23rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey there, roccodom
BIG QUESTION - WHAT THE hell is with the trickle truth.
Found out EA Beginning of May - lies
Found out about PA middle of May - lies
beginning of June it ended - lies.

Now today - Middle of August sex ended, but he saw her 3 weeks ago - two weeks after filing a restraining order against her.

He can't make anyone not like him.

Yet he tells me he has never been happier and all he wants is me and the kids - where is the honesty - where is the transparency.

He says he's too afraid for me to know what a scumbag he is.


I am sorry that he did trickle truth. We all know that telling the whole truth is better and let BS decide if it's too much to handle or not.

Your H is right. He was a conflict avoider and when he had d-day he still wants to maintain better image of himself. When he saw hurt in BSs face, he could only share the minimal information to not going deep further. In those WSs' mind, when they had d-day, that itself is just like stubbing a knife in BS's heart and by giving BSs more details, it is like twisting and stabbing repeatedly. They chose not to share any further.

In other word, he was a coward and didn't have guts to face the consequences.

I hope this makes sense.

Again, I am sorry that your H did that to you!!


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, October 23rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi TNT1970,

Looking for some kind of answers from a WW. My WW started her A 6 weeks ago in front of my sister at a hotel party with the OM, so she wanted to get caught. The OM had recently got home from the marines, my sister found out since she was talking to him first at the bar before the hotel party. My WW started to be in competition with my sister and actually won over him. Later at the hotel the OM tried to coerce the both of them to have sex. But since my sister has a conscience, she said no. My WW on the other hand, after saying, "I can't do this" decided to have sex in front of my sister who immediately left(after trying to talk my WW out of it). Now mind you my WW and I have been separated form a year becuase of lack of communication and her personality disorders & addictions to marijuana & prescription pills & no job. But 2 months ago we were talking about moving back in together & starting our family, & now this. My WW lied at first, but of course I found out from my sister. I went to confront my WW at her brother's house where she has been staying, only to find WW with OM sleeping in bed together. Now my WW has no remorse other than saying "I didn't want to hurt you." And she is ambivalent. First she says "We're done." and wants the D. And I said "Is that what you want?" And she replies "Idon't know, I can't make big decisions, but I think we should date other people." That was the last time I saw WW. What do I do? Hope that the OM sees all of her addictions/personality disorders/lack of employment & he runs. Or do I force the issue of either R or D to her? Help please.


I am 2 years out of FWW. Is this your WW's first A?

How long has she been battling with addiction? I think, the real problem here is, even she stop A, but she will just switch her addiction. A is also called addictive relationship. Sounds like she has addiction problem. Has she gone to 12 step program or rehab? Also has she seeing IC or psychologist for personality disorder? I think, she needs a professional help for that.

Until she address those issues and unresolved issue from her childhood, it will resurface. Such as also family of orgin (foo), abandonment issues, codependency, or relationship with her parents....

I hope this helps. Hang in there.

[This message edited by beach at 8:23 PM, October 23rd (Thursday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, October 23rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi nooneeverthought,
Did you as a WS consider yourselves R'ed before your BS did as opposed to just R'ing. I am getting close to making the declaration, I asked my H a few weeks ago if he would say R'ing or R'ed, he didn't hesitate to say R'ed, then he got a little nervous and said we are right? I said getting there...I am still just so hurt.........

As for me, I didn't really define ourselves as R'ed, until we realized that we are enjoying ourselves with each other and we no longer struggle with A issues. We do have ups and downs with non-A related stuff.

We are 2 years out, but my H has a trigger. Twice this year. But that I think, it is normal for us and I am there for him.

(((nooneeverthought))) Hang in there.


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, October 23rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi NoLongerWantHim,

I'm not gonna pretty this up at all.
FWH has not offered all of his passwords - nor access to his computer. He does forward some incoming mail. But I have passwords to 4 or 5 of his e-mail and IM accounts.

Am I wrong in checking up when I feel the need?

We're 4 months out, I'm pretty sure he's NC, but I get the urge to see.


If he hasn't offered you his password, nor access to his computer, and that even if he forward SOME of messages, he is not being transparent.

Does he know that you have his password? Anyways, no, you are not wrong in checking up when you want.

We are 2 years out and my H still has a full access to here, emails, and everything and it will be that way and I don't mind.

I hope this helps.


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, October 23rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi completeshock,


My WSO is currently in IC. In a conversation with me, it came out that he is not being completely honest with his therapist. He told his IC that we had separated because of communication issues and that he had started his EA with the OW after we had separated. He failed to mention that she was in the picture way before we separated and that she was a cause of the separation. He later changed his story and said that he had discussed the OW being one of the causes of our separation. When I asked him what the therapist said about this his response was, "I talked about it with him months ago and I don't remember what he said." What good is going to IC if you don't even remember what was talked about. My question is, do you think my WSO is still in the fog? I thought that when he came to me wanting to work on our relationship he was coming out of the fog, but I'm not so sure. I don't know if this is the fog or if he is just a selfish person.

Sorry that your WSO lied to his IC. Remember, some FWSs do want to maintain better image of themselves. He decided that it was better to tell that he met a woman after the separation, than he had a mistress.

Lying was his coping mechanism during A and not only lying to others, but to himself to maintaini a double life. Sounds like he has a lots of hard wotk to do. He needs to be true to himself first and then practice to be true to others. I hope his IC is helping for that.


I cannot say that if he is still in fog or not, but I would want to make sure that he is being transparent and make sure NC is firmly in place.

Hope this helps. Hang in there.


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
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