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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's
broken-coping
♀ New Member
Member # 21329
Default  Posted: 4:03 AM, October 30th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I want to know is why the WS have an EA or PA when they say that they love their S. If you love your S and canít live without them and donít want a D then why screw around? How can you say those things but your able to be intimate with someone else? Also why is it that the only reason you stop seeing the OP is because of discovery and thatís when you realize youíre sorry and that itís wrong? Otherwise you just keep up the A. Then once your S finds out and asks questions you donít want to answer because you donít want to hurt your S. I mean you have to know that by cheating your Grambling with your marriage and that tells the BS just how much theyíre worth to you. Iím not trying to be mean just trying to understand.


Me - BS 35
Him - WH 41
Common law Married 13 years
1 kid
11-7-06 Confronted, denied.
01-07 Conf.,admitted paritally
06-11-07 conf.the OW tried to deny
06-12-07 The truth i hope
Status R but they still wk 2gether

Posts: 9 | Registered: Oct 2008
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, October 30th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWH has difficulty expressing himself...and we are working on it.

When I told him I had fear about his level of commitment - (will he get bored again an stray?) He told me:

I am leaving everything behind, my work, the people I know, everything I know, to move to a new place, start a new life. That is not something easy for me, this has been my only home - ever. If that doesn't show I am committed to you, and love you, I don't know what would. Why would I move if I thought we couldn't work this out????"

EDITED TO ASK THE RIGHT QUESTION -

Can someone translate this for me? As a FBW, I know I still filter as such sometimes. To me it just doesn't sound like a resounding "I love you and will never leave you!"

Don't know, just looking for some reassurance from others who might speak the same way?

Thanks!

HT

[This message edited by healingtree at 12:06 PM, October 30th (Thursday)]


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, October 30th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

broken-coping:

If you love your S and canít live without them and donít want a D then why screw around? How can you say those things but your able to be intimate with someone else?

Why does someone who clearly knows alcohol is eroding their health and relationships still drink? Why does someone who knows they need money to feed their family gamble it all away at a casino?

There is a weakness within each of these individuals that draws them to an addiction to an unhealthy solution. For me, it was a complete disregard for my own worth, thus placing the words of others in too high regard. And when given an opportunity to be surrounded by people who give only compliments and no criticism, the addiction is fed.

I love my BW with all my heart and soul. I let a weakness within me do the wrong thing. The fix has been for me to attack the weakness within me to ensure I never make the same mistake again.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, October 30th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((ht)))

Can someone translate this for me?

I'd ask you to think for a moment about the message delivered to FWS's day in and day out. That message is:

"Words mean nothing. I need to see actions, not words."

You wanted to know about your FWH's commitment, and he spoke with actions. "Look at the things I am doing, not saying, doing to prove my commitment to you.". This versus him saying "I love you and will never leave you." only to be told those are just words and don't prove a thing.

will he get bored again and stray?

The answer to this question is in the work he has done on his flaws and weaknesses. When a FWS has dug deep, found the things that caused them to become addicted to someone they had no right being with, and has addressed the gaps within themselves - then they have done what is needed to ensure they won't get bored and stray.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, October 30th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ahhhh yes. LC, great answer...he was the one who told me after d-day that "my words mean nothing - why would they" and that he would prove to me through action that he is committed to me in every way.

Thanks for the reminder.

As for digging deep - if he has, he hasn't shared it. Maybe he is putting his understanding into actions instead of words as well.

Thanks!!!


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
NoLongerWantHim
♀ Member
Member # 19934
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, October 30th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm wondering.

Today I realized that I love the man I married, madly; and I've been so angry over his A that I've been horrid to him.

I apologized to him, and let him know my anger is because I'm afraid I may have lost him to someone younger and more attractive, and I need him to help me over that.

I'm sure that there is more I want and need, bit simply feeling loved, needed and wanted will help.

Was just flat out saying what I want, now - 5 months out when I realized it - too long to not know and did I make it far worse during that time.

I ran hot and cold, every thought from divorce to suicide. Now I just want my marriage - in whatever state it evolves int



Me & the kids are having the malignancy removed.

If I went to Hogwarts, my Patronus would be my Big Sister - GWADW


Posts: 4117 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Where I want to be, on the road to the future
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, October 30th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NLWH -

did I make it far worse during that time.

I think this is the core question you're trying to express right? I'm not sure I would say you made it far worse.

What negative feedback does to a FWS is delays their ability to heal. Things most of us have indicated a need for is to build up our self esteem and regain some amount of self respect. Ironically, the very thing a BS needs in the days that follow D-Day - an outlet to release anger, hurt and frustration - also inhibits a WS from their own recovery.

I think it's a great thing that you are seeing how your thoughts and actions may have impacted the relationship. Now it's a matter of finding a balance in helping each other so that neither one of you feels the other is unfairly placing their load on the other.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
NoLongerWantHim
♀ Member
Member # 19934
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, October 30th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LC

Then the only place to go from here is up.


Me & the kids are having the malignancy removed.

If I went to Hogwarts, my Patronus would be my Big Sister - GWADW


Posts: 4117 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Where I want to be, on the road to the future
aries61
♀ Member
Member # 21109
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, October 30th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Questions for WS,

My WS had a LTA for 1.5 yrs. I have a problem with the fact that he told her he loved her during passionate episodes, but it was a lie according to him. She also used this term.

1. Can it be true that he never loved her? We're in R so I need to believe, but don't want to be stupid.

2. If she loved him and he sent a NC, will she be able to accept this or will she try to contact him no matter what?


Thanks for any insight.


Me (BS) 48
H (WS)47 (Broken)
Two girls 17 & 20
Married 21 Years
Trying to Reconcile
MC and Ic
D-day 09/08 LTA

Posts: 115 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: florida
Copeland
♂ Member
Member # 21005
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, October 30th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NLWH-we all make lots of choices and you were in a position where all your emotions were stripped raw. It is possible to come back from what happened. I really believe that.

If my BGF would come to me saying that our R was truly what she wanted, I would pull her into my arms and never let go.


Male 49-No longer defining myself by fidelity roles...been both. Time for a new start.
"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."-Leonard Cohen

Posts: 854 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Midwest
blah
♀ New Member
Member # 20234
Frustrated  Posted: 3:40 PM, October 30th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Found out about affair 2/13/08. My question: FWH says he is attracted to me, but hasn't initiate sex in over a month. Says he is tired when I bring subject up. Is he comparing OW with me, and I come up lacking? What can I do to help the R? Any input would be appreciated.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: milwaukee, wisconsin
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, October 30th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

aries -

1. Can it be true that he never loved her? We're in R so I need to believe, but don't want to be stupid.

Yes, in fact it's likely. While in the fog of an A, I confused obsession with external validation for love. It was in fact not love but an addiction I craved. From the clarity of being de-fogged, I know now the difference.

2. If she loved him and he sent a NC, will she be able to accept this or will she try to contact him no matter what?

Depends on the OP. There is no real way to tell in advance. I went NC and my xMOW stayed away for 15 months, then went fishing (thankfully hasn't come back since). Others have drawn out situations with obsessive OP. But either way, NC is a must. You just have to develop a strategy based on the OP reaction once it happens.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
SRVfan38
♀ Member
Member # 19338
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, October 30th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

blah-
Is he being remorseful? Do you have access to all his passwords, ect.

It's possible he is still mourning the loss of the relationship. May have fallen into a depression. When the A was over and I was out of the fog, I really started focusing on my H and all my energy went toward my M and my family, I became much more interested in sex with my H. Prior, even though my H is wonderful in bed, I still wasn't interested.


I want to become the person my dogs think I am.

Posts: 265 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Wannabe in Tahiti
Devestatedx5
♀ Member
Member # 16557
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, October 30th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since Dday (over a year ago) I've initiated all sexual contact.

Well, just for "shits & giggles", I've stopped.

It's been over 2 weeks since fWH and I have had sex. Well, what does these mean?

I've been MORE open, MORE "engaged" in sex since Dday, my sex drive has returned, and yet ...... nada from him.

I'm near the breaking point - There's moments when going out and just getting laid are nearly overwhelming.

WHAT'S he waiting for? Is he GAY? (Cause that's where my mind is heading!)

[This message edited by Devestatedx5 at 4:41 PM, October 30th (Thursday)]


FBS-me (49)
FWH(57) ONS 8.19.07
Dday: 9.19.07
Married +26 years
RE-MARRIED 4.28.11
----------
Proverbs 31:10-31
Sometimes people are SO open-minded that that their brains fall out.

Posts: 2598 | Registered: Oct 2007
Jade1964dream
♀ Member
Member # 21362
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, October 30th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had just been reading through all the pages of BS Questions for WS's in I Can Relate section and ran into this post; someone had asked a questions about the losses WS's experienced from an A. Listening Closely posted the below. Bear also posted, but didn't cut and paste it. On page 15 if anyone's interested. I can now understand why some WHs would not want to tackle an R, what a challenge. I can now see why my H has taken the coward's way out - a D. My H had said he would always have the A in the back of his mind and not sure if he could deal with that. What he doesn't realize is whether he's with me or someone else, it'll always be in the back of his mind. Either the challenge discourages him or he's still in the "fog." I know now it wasn't my fault, or our M had life altering issues. As I've said before, only the strong survive - it seems like such a harsh statement - but it really is to applaud the WSs that are working so hard on R and M.

I'm not sure any of us could make a complete list of everything we've lost, because it is so extensive. At the heart of it, bear is right. We lost ourselves.

Pre-A, I thought I could always be trusted as someone as a person of integrity. Someone people could believe would always be true to his word. Now no matter how hard I work, there will always be that fragment of doubt in the minds of those that know about the A.

I had been someone who took pride when others commented on how lucky Wells was to have me and how I was a great husband and father. Now while externally I try to be gracious, internally I am wincing knowing great husbands and fathers do not have affairs.

I had been a strong, outgoing person who would strike up a friendship at the drop of a hat. Now, I recoil to some extent and I'm not as happy go lucky.

Certain connections to xMOW now make me shudder. Certain songs, certain locations, triggery things that I no longer can innocently enjoy. I've taken some of them back, but it will never be all of them.

I've lost the belief that all people are good, just some make wrong decisions.

I've lost the respect of my oldest DD at least. She doesn't know the details, but she doesn't respect either the me from the A (which she shouldn't have anyway), nor the person I am today.

I've lost a sense of "even keel" with Wells. Inside me, she will always be a better person than I am.

I've lost the momentum I had in my career. Workwise I now feel very lost. I've made some great strides with the help of a career coach (which set us back quite a bit of money in the process). But I'm not sure I can get back to the performance level I was at before.

I've lost pretty much any friends I had before the A - at least at the same level. They are now people I can enjoy time with. But there are parts of me they do not know. There is a relationship level loss there for certain.

I've lost the ability to do simple things without having to think about whether or not it might be a trigger for Wells first. Running late from a meeting. Making a cell call after hours. Spending quiet time online just mindlessly surfing. All things that never carried consequences before yet now they do.

I've lost the ability to just be stressed or angry without a need to analyze it.

I've lost knowing where things are headed. I've lost my compass. I have a new one, but I am still learning the settings.

You see? This is long already and it's only a fraction of what I walked away from for a stupid flirtatious comment or two.

I lost who I was. I can only hope the me I'm rebuilding can be better than the me I left behind.


Jadie

Posts: 588 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Paradise
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, October 30th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

blah -


Is he comparing OW with me, and I come up lacking? What can I do to help the R?

SRV could be right, but I'm betting it's more likely that the reality of every day is getting in the way. In the fantasy world of an A, a WS will often check out from reality and responsibility. With all the time freed up to do nothing but drool over the OP, they have plenty of energy.

Then you head into R, and find yourself mentally drained from working your tail off trying to fix what you broke.

Best thing you can do to help R? Talk with him about your concern and don't let him off the hook for having a deeper conversation. If necessary, go to MC and bring it up there for help.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, October 30th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Devastated -


WHAT'S he waiting for? Is he GAY? (Cause that's where my mind is heading!)

This might be a stretch. Have you asked him about it?

FWIW, you are right to be concerned here. While I was willing to be patient and wait until my BW was ready to to get that close again, I think we've had more balance during R than we did before the A (when I admit she initiated a lot more than I did).

This is worth a conversation, and possibly even discussion in MC.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, October 30th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi blah, my answer will be similar to SRV's response.

After I ended PA, for the first 3 months, I was in the withdrawal (longing for xOM) stage, thus when my H touched me sexually, I was cringing. I could deal with holding hands, cuddling, and hugging though.

I became asexual for 1 year. But maybe male FWS is different. Is he on any medication that has the sexual side effect?
Hang in there.


[This message edited by beach at 9:59 PM, October 30th (Thursday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, October 30th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Devestatedx5))))

I was asexual for the first year. Mr.beach always initiated. If we let go for more than 2 weeks, he would express his concern.
I was considering going to sex therapy.

Is he on any medication that has the sexual side effect?

[This message edited by beach at 9:58 PM, October 30th (Thursday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
LookingforLove
♀ Member
Member # 12002
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, October 30th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In a nutshell--found out H is still seeing OW--this has been off and on for 3 years. I commited myself to 180 about a week ago (last D-Day)--fell off at the weekend (had sex)--got into another argument with him this past Monday where we were yelling at each other. I asked why he keeps doing this he said he doesn't know, doesn't love her and I called him evil, he's unremoursefull and I asked him if he is going to continue doing what he is doing--and he yelled back yes (don't know if he said it to make me hurt cause I hurt him or if he is telling the truth)--who knows after three years..
--so I am back on the 180 diet--we are barely speaking..

H got mad at me tonight because youngest son is having trouble with homework and he blames me because I want to do everything regarding school and I was the one who went to conference and talked with the teacher and he is still having trouble..

I can not leave right now due to financial reasons but I can not have sex with him anymore if he is going to continue..I have to do something different--

Will 180 still work even though now he has found a reason (son) to be mad at me instead of me at him?

I am afraid to withhold sex in fear that it will make H turn to her more but what can I do? It sickens me to know he is still doning this...He has no feelings...

I am trying to knock him off the fence,,am I going about this wrong since either one of us are not in a position to leave right now?
Thanks!


Me: BS
Him: WS LTA 6+ yrs
OW: Skank Company HO
Status:
Divorce filed 4-5-11
WH served on 4-6-11 with D papers and NC order.
Divorced: 4/20/12

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Washington State
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