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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's
Heidi31
♀ Member
Member # 10571
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, November 2nd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

floridaredman

Thanks for the input.. My Hubby is still in a fog. I don't know if he's cheating or just unable to get out of that world???? I have tried so hard for 2 and 1/2 years now to make him realize but alas I just realized lastnight I CAN'T!! I feel so desperate and overwhelmed..I want to run away and hide until it all goes away...


Separated
BS-me 38
WS-32
DDAY #1-April 16,2006
DDAY#2 10/6/12 fucking the 19 year old babysitter!
Does the knife in my chest make my Boobs look bigger??

Posts: 1679 | Registered: May 2006 | From: MAINE
lostagain
♀ New Member
Member # 21446
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, November 2nd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

beach and floridaredman, thank you for your posts. I would cut his online activity (he was cut for about a year and a half after the OEA's) but I actually just referred him here. I posted a topic in the WS forum about other sites there don't seem to be any so he is here too. He seems to be behaving himself but I'm not there... guess I could find out but I hate the thought of having to spy on him. I just feel like you shouldn't be with someone you feel you have to spy on. I hope I didn't just answer my own question there. :(


myself: BS 26
husband: WH 24, had EA, OEA, PAx2
kids: b7(mine), g2(ours)
D-day: 10/7/08
Separated, end date: 03/25/09
trying very hard to reach a point of reconcilliation

Posts: 15 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Phoenix, Az
hurt789
♀ Member
Member # 20937
Default  Posted: 5:51 AM, November 3rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

question for WS...I need help helping my WH. He feels fustrated that at times he can not help me, not make me stop crying, not make the pain go away. We have talked about this alot, and I dont know if how he is, remorsful, showing me love and attention at all times, saying he is so very sorry..ect isnt helping me or there is more he can do and we just dont know what it is. Any suggestions of things other WS have done to help their BS. Maybe there are things we both can do that will help him help me. Thanks for the feedback


BS 40
WS 43
MARRIED 20
TOGATHER 22
1 PERFECT DAUGHTER
DDAY7/13/08
LTA - ALWAYS


Posts: 240 | Registered: Sep 2008
floridaredman
♂ Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, November 3rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heidi31,
I am sorry for the pain you are experiencing with your husband.

Yes, it's a difficult situation to go through with your spouse. The one that showed you so much love in the past is now someone you hardly know. I know you want it all to disappear, but problems don't go away until you actually face them. Sometimes as a WS, we need to see what we are about to lose. You have been trying to help him see. Let him realize what it will be like without you. I realized that I had made the worst decisions in my life by leaving my wife and kids and going to the OW.
After I realized this, the thought of not having them back was fatal. He needs to realize what he has and he could lose it. Be prepared to give him an ultimatum suitable for you and stick to it.


hurt789

I don't know how long ago the infidelity occurred,but it could take up to 2 years plus before YOU actually start trusting him again. You have to feel that he is genuinely sorry and that he is no longer being unfaithful to you. The only thing he can do is continue being transparent,being genuinely remorseful and affectionate to help you along, until you can ultimately feel you can trust him with your love for him.

[This message edited by floridaredman at 4:12 PM, November 3rd (Monday)]


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2412 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
floridaredman
♂ Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, November 3rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lostagain,

I agree, you should not have to spy on him, but he should also be very transparent. There is a saying when you are in doubt "Trust but Verify" until you truly feel you can ultimately trust again. Remember that there are two people involved in the wayward relationship. He may not be trying to contact her, but she may throw bait at him and cause him to slip. He should tell you every time there is attempted contact.
If he is giving you all of his free time, then you can pretty much bet that he is really trying to reconcile. When I was reconciling with my wife, I didn't matter, she was the center of my world and still is


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2412 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, November 3rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hurt789 -

Sometimes that only thing we can do as a FWS is to hold our BS as they work through the emotional trauma we have put them through.

The philosophy I have been applying has been when my BS triggers, I pull her closer, not push her away. I will hug her and give her specific assurances. By specific assurances I mean I don't just say I'm sorry. I say I'm sorry that I (insert wrong actions here). I don't just say I love you. I say I love you because (insert those things about my BS that I love so much).

The reality is you need to go through a grieving process to get to a healing state. And yes, it's brutal for a remorseful FWS to watch because we know we were the cause of that pain. At those times, the best we can do in most cases is to prove that we will remain and accept that pain as ours rather than take the easy way out and run away.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
LostatSea4
♀ Member
Member # 21497
Sad  Posted: 8:54 AM, November 3rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let me first say thank you to all you fws and ws for the helpful info. Wish my ws could see what some of you ws see now. I keep hoping.

I've been letting WH fence sit since Labor Day, guess I keep hoping it will pass soon. She's 21 and strokes his ego. He is high in the "fog" and I can't bring him down. He says I never gave him enough affection through M and even though I've changed a few years ago, he still can't get passed it. This is second A. in 3 years.

My question is, he's going away with ds on a trip, if I ask him to do NC with her and me do you think he would actually look inside himself or am I wasting my breath even asking or talking about with him.

He refuses to see anything wrong.


R takes not one but two!
BS-me WS-him
Too many to talk about.

Posts: 992 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: SE
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, November 3rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lostatsea - NC with the OP is a must to break through the fog and allow for true self reflection. I wouldn't position it so much that he needs NC with you both so he can decide for himself where he's at. I would approach it from the angle that NC with the OP is required for him to break his addiction and think clearly for himself again. You are not clouding his vision, OP is.

He says I never gave him enough affection through M

I was in this place at one point. Since that time I've come to truly understand the translation. For me, here's what this comment said:

"I don't value myself and have a tough time knowing my own value. I need others around me to tell me I'm good and valuable. In our M, I looked to you to do that - to provide me with constant ego stroking to reaffirm my worth. When the reality of day to day life caused you to be unhappy with my actions and you criticized me, I did not have the skills to brace myself for that hit. So I turned to a fantasy relationship which had none of the criticisms of day to day life and allowed 24/7 ego stroking. I grew addicted to that relationship, and I am now blaming you for wanting me to come back to a reality which requires that I have or develop the ability to see my own value in the face of criticism."

I know, a whole lot that simply blaming the BS for not showing affection does not express. But that was my reality. The only fix was for me to see my own worth so I don't need anyone else, not even my BW, to define who I am.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
LostatSea4
♀ Member
Member # 21497
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, November 3rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for responding. I appreciate your honesty and wish my ws could see what you see.

He defends ow so I thought if I used the angle not to contact either one he wouldn't think of it as me trying to control him from contacting her and really do some soul searching.


R takes not one but two!
BS-me WS-him
Too many to talk about.

Posts: 992 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: SE
diditagn
♀ Member
Member # 3433
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, November 3rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are there any XWS out there that did divorce? I have questions and if they don't feel ok posting on the board they can pm me.

My question is why is my exwh all of the sudden rubbing his ow now gf in my face after two and a half years of being divorced.

He hasn't really done that in the past. What do you think might be going through his head? Any comments are welcome.


Happy people don't have the best things, they make the best with what they have.

Posts: 1556 | Registered: Feb 2004 | From: WI
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, November 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bumping in hopes one of our D WS's can answer diditagn (we are in R so I can't help here)


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
W?T?F?
♀ New Member
Member # 21419
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, November 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have maybe a silly question. My WH came to the house the other day and we talked a little about the OW and why he is so hell-bent on defending her to others (she has kind of a bad rep). Anyway, after talking, and after I told him that I thoroughly believed he would have stayed to work on our M if a third party wasn't involved, he hugged me goodbye (first time in weeks)

It felt like a "real" hug, instead of the pat-pat hug. Then he jumped backwards, almost as if he just realized what he was doing and freaked out.

My question: could this be the beginning of the "fog" lifting, or am I just hopeful?


WH: 37 (I think he's having MLC)
BS (me): 41
M: 9 years
D filed - 9/8/08 Final ????
one child - 12 y.o. (my step-son; with me since 2 y.o.)
MOW: 27 (D filed 9/4/08 - coincidence?)

All he needs is a small apt, his bike...and this lamp!


Posts: 38 | Registered: Oct 2008
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, November 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

W?T?F? -

could this be the beginning of the "fog" lifting, or am I just hopeful?

It very well could be the fog lifting. And if it is, part of the reaction would have been rooted in acting, then not being sure he was doing something you wanted him to. It's not uncommon to wonder when the "right time" is to hold again, to kiss again, etc. You don't want to be too aggressive when you caused so much pain, but you don't want to look unfeeling either.

Give it a little bit of time. Emerging from the fog doesn't typically come and go. If he is breaking free of his fog, you will see consistent signs develop in the coming days and weeks that will give you more confidence.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
W?T?F?
♀ New Member
Member # 21419
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, November 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I should have started by saying he moved out and is still seeing the OW...and says he "really likes her," but not ready to say "loves her." And he doesn't think he had an affair, he thinks he just told me he never really loved me like a wife, and moved on. He hasn't ever admitted to doing anything wrong.

We are not even discussing R at this time. Does that change your answer?


WH: 37 (I think he's having MLC)
BS (me): 41
M: 9 years
D filed - 9/8/08 Final ????
one child - 12 y.o. (my step-son; with me since 2 y.o.)
MOW: 27 (D filed 9/4/08 - coincidence?)

All he needs is a small apt, his bike...and this lamp!


Posts: 38 | Registered: Oct 2008
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, November 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

W?T?F? -

Does that change your answer?

Yes, it does. It's more likely in those circumstances that the hug was out of a habit, and the reaction was when he realized what he was doing from instinct.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, November 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi W?T?F?, I also agree with LC.

he moved out and is still seeing the OW...and says he "really likes her," but not ready to say "loves her." And he doesn't think he had an affair, he thinks he just told me he never really loved me like a wife, and moved on. He hasn't ever admitted to doing anything wrong.

He isn't remorseful, but he is starting to come to his senses and it is not about the fantasy anymore. And then the reality may sink in.

I have never been separated, and during A, I was in love with the idea of being in love with xOM, who was 15 years younger than myself (or idea of having a younger boyfriend). It's been 2 years since I ended PA and I don't miss him at all.

[This message edited by beach at 3:30 PM, November 4th (Tuesday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
W?T?F?
♀ New Member
Member # 21419
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, November 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your responses. I think I'm just searching for something that might not be there. We'll see.


WH: 37 (I think he's having MLC)
BS (me): 41
M: 9 years
D filed - 9/8/08 Final ????
one child - 12 y.o. (my step-son; with me since 2 y.o.)
MOW: 27 (D filed 9/4/08 - coincidence?)

All he needs is a small apt, his bike...and this lamp!


Posts: 38 | Registered: Oct 2008
aries61
♀ Member
Member # 21109
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, November 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Questions for WS,

My WS has been extremely transparent about his recent A, however, I feel he has others he may not be telling me about. Will I ever get the whole truth. I've asked and he denies. Is R possible without the entire 20 yrs of truth.

He is doing everything to R. MC, communicating, etc, but I still feel ambivalent. Also he can remember how many times he had PA (8) but no details as far as what months. He can give me a beginning date and an ending date but no dates in between. Can these details really be gone. How can he remember how many times but not when.

I am reading "After the A" which is helping, but at times I feel hopeless. The damage is so deep.


Me (BS) 48
H (WS)47 (Broken)
Two girls 17 & 20
Married 21 Years
Trying to Reconcile
MC and Ic
D-day 09/08 LTA

Posts: 115 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: florida
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, November 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

double post..

[This message edited by beach at 10:33 AM, November 5th (Wednesday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, November 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi aries61,

I am 2 years out of FWW. I had 6.5 year LT PA.

he can remember how many times he had PA (8) but no details as far as what months. He can give me a beginning date and an ending date but no dates in between. Can these details really be gone. How can he remember how many times but not when.

It is true for me. I can remember when the first time I had sex with xOM, I can only tell which month after that, but I cannot remember exact which date of each month, because it was not like I kept mark on the calender or something.

I can remember what kind of clothes I wore, or what position we did, but I cannot remember how many times I had sex in one meeting.

I hope this helps.


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
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