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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: WS Questions for BS's
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, October 23rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Findingcomfort,

First of all, welcome

My full story is in my profile. In a way I am somewhat qualified to answer your question. My wife had her first A in 1999. After it ended, she confessed it to her priest who told her to never tell me, and work on herself. Well, she didn't tell me, and didn't work on the issues she had. This left herripe for another A. In our case, another 4 A's.

So, I found out that many years of my marriage were tainted. On top of that, I live with the knowledge that she had to go through this alone, and was used by these OM.

So my answer is no, I do not wish she'd dealt with it on her own and never told me. A marriage should be a partnership of equals. Without knowledge, we were not equals.

Fell free to PM me if you like


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35395 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Copeland
♂ Member
Member # 21005
Concerned  Posted: 1:10 PM, October 25th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, long story, but here's my sitch & my question:
My BGF & I have lived together 6 years. We were planning on getting married this year, but then I did my EA in June-July of this year and that shot that down the drain. We still live together. We are still best friends. We are so well suited to each other-same sense of humor-tastes in most everything. We for the most part really love to be in each other's company. I can talk to her about anything (although up until now my big problem has been editing myself and witholding my feelings ) Anyway, after D-Day in July and some arguments she said "It's over" She says she thinks of herself as single and although she's not actively seeking another relationship she feels like there is no reason to not start one if somebody interesting comes along. I really want to pursue the R. I'm working really hard on my stuff in IC and up until last week we were going to CC, but now she says she's tired of that. Isn't getting anything out of it. Doesn't see the point. I don't condider myself single. I consider myself committed to her and comitted to working on the R, even if its just me at the momment. She says working on the R with me doesn't interest her in the least. Friendship yes. Realtionship (romantic, couple) no.

So my question is: are there any BS's out there that found this a part of their process? I mean, aside from the betrayal (which I'm not trying to minimize) we have all the foundations of a good strong R. I just wonder. I worry because I don't want to lose her of course. I don't want her to make herself available to others and then I lose that precious element of time. The time it takes for her to heal and then maybe be able to see me as somebody she could love and trust again.

Please know that I'm putting everything I can into this. I'm not expecting something to happen magically. I just wonder about what others have experienced. I'm looking for hope I guess...


Male 49-No longer defining myself by fidelity roles...been both. Time for a new start.
"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."-Leonard Cohen

Posts: 854 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Midwest
Copeland
♂ Member
Member # 21005
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, October 26th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any BS that can relate to my above...


Male 49-No longer defining myself by fidelity roles...been both. Time for a new start.
"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."-Leonard Cohen

Posts: 854 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Midwest
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 12:07 AM, October 27th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Copeland - hey man, what I would say is to just stay at it. Do all you can to make it a workable deal. She on that roller coaster and is also trying to find her ground.

Luck to you man


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
Copeland
♂ Member
Member # 21005
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, October 27th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks hurts...I just need that little push in the back every now and then to keep going...day after day is so hard as we all know...so tired sometimes. So scared others. And some actual flashes of peace now and then...


Male 49-No longer defining myself by fidelity roles...been both. Time for a new start.
"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."-Leonard Cohen

Posts: 854 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Midwest
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, October 27th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HEy, I'll tell you what. It is the hope and desire for those flashes that can keep you going. I hope that they increase in frequency. I tend to believe that if you increase the effort to make it better, and do all that is possible, then it will get better as time goes by. But at the same time you have to remember that time onlt travels at a set speed, and that is generally too slow for our desires.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
trying@heal
♀ New Member
Member # 21266
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, October 27th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Copeland

I can tell you I went back and forth for a couple of weeks about whether I should or shouldn't leave. If he could be single why couldn't I. What it came down to was who I am. I love my husband and I do not believe two wrongs make a right. With that being said, if she does truly love you she will heal with time. You might want to think about getting "The Love Dare" book and 100% commit with everything you have to following it. Even if you are not a spiritual person it can help.


It is what it is, now choose to make the best of it.

Posts: 26 | Registered: Oct 2008
sadskittles
♀ Member
Member # 21232
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, October 27th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I question for the BS...

Did you lose any friendships over your S infidelity, because you decided to stay with that you S?

If so, how did you deal with it?

My BF and I are committed to R, but unfortuntely all of my friends know about the A, because the OM in our circle of friends. He is spreading lies and half truths about the A and people are making judgements of me and his decision to work things out with me. We believe that our relationship is only ours business and we have chosen not to discuss what we are going through with our friends. We only talk to a few select family members.


Moving on... without him and stronger for it.

Posts: 359 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Wisconsin
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, October 27th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ss,

If someone will end your friendship on someone else's word, thyet weren't a friend to begin with. It's your right to discuss your relationship with whomever you choose. You don't have to justify anything to anyone else. It may be time to look for some new friends.

We did lose some friends, but it wasn't a huge loss. Only friends of the relationship


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35395 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
sadskittles
♀ Member
Member # 21232
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, October 27th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is just extremely painful for him, because his best friend started a fight with him on Saturday that ended up getting physical (fueled by alcohol). He was supposed to be his best friend and be supportive of him no matter what he decided to do.

My BF has resolved to not be friends with him anymore, but I feel extremely guilty because my A caused them to not be friends anymore.

My BF is going through enough right now... this isn't helping his mental condition at all.


Moving on... without him and stronger for it.

Posts: 359 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Wisconsin
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, October 27th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SS,
I know it's hard. Give them a little time. If he's a true friend, they'll work it out. If not, it's better to find out now than when you really need him


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35395 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
DesertLotus
♀ Member
Member # 9095
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, October 27th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Copeland)))

She says she thinks of herself as single and although she's not actively seeking another relationship she feels like there is no reason to not start one if somebody interesting comes along....

So my question is: are there any BS's out there that found this a part of their process?

No, I never considered myself single - I would not expect to continue to live with my husband if I had.

Reconciliation is a gift, one that no one is obligated to offer. In the same light, you are not obligated to continue to live with your (ex?) girlfriend while she dates whomever. You may not be able to reconcile (that is up to her) however, you don't have to stand by and support her while she plays single either. I think you have a right to clarify your living situation one way or the other.

If she wants to be single, then let her do so without you. Allowing her to abuse the situation won't lead to R, IMO. Tell her if she wants to salvage your relationship, she'll have to forgo the single life. Otherwise, I fear she'll just take advantage of you. I don't recommend agreeing to her terms, even if she permits you to date as well. Living together and dating other people is a recipe for disaster IMO.

(((sadskittles)))

I question for the BS...
Did you lose any friendships over your S infidelity, because you decided to stay with that you S?

No. We've been very fortunate in our choice of friendships, all of our friends support our R. I'm so sorry for you both. I agree with wifehad5, you don't have to justify your decision to R (nor should your husband). Best wishes.


"The mind creates the abyss, the heart crosses it." ~ Sri Nisargadatta

Posts: 10462 | Registered: Dec 2005
sadskittles
♀ Member
Member # 21232
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, October 27th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you both for your replies. I really appreciate them.

I am trying hard not to blame myself for it... it is just really hard not to.


Moving on... without him and stronger for it.

Posts: 359 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Wisconsin
lumpy
♂ Member
Member # 20121
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, October 28th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by lumpy at 9:12 AM, October 28th (Tuesday)]


delete me

Posts: 206 | Registered: Jul 2008
Monkey
♀ Member
Member # 20381
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, November 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never considered myself single either after I found out about my FWH's affair. I remember desperately wanting to hold on to him, I remember the agony of thinking that he may want to be with the OW and leave me. I told him immediately that I would be there for him if he chose me over his AP.

We are now in R but I find that I sometimes think of having a revenge affair, not because I am angry but because I feel that we are now so unequal. He's the bad guy and I'm the good guy. I know this is insane and of course I will never do it but I do feel vulnerable to other male attention. My self-confidence has taken a beating and some attention seems an attractive prospect.


Me BS 36
Him FWH 38
First child born 2012
Married since Sept 2005
D Day 10 June 2008
5 week PA and Internet chat long distance
He just did it for sex

Posts: 62 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: UK
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, November 8th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Copeland -

Your situation is far different from mine (blended family with 4 kids) but I can give you some input...

During my healing, there have been times where I have detached from my FWH - sometimes completely - because it was the only way I could get through the darkness I felt.

If not for the bonds we have as far as our kids are concerned, I would not have attempted R at all.

It is important that you respect your BGFs feelings, while also speaking your own truth.

You both have to be IN IT for it to be considered R...and if she doesn't want it right now, you cannot make it happen - just as a BS cannot make a WS remorseful.

Understand and hear what she is asking for, and respect it. She may change her mind later - but that is up to her.

Take care of yourself.


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
Frog
♀ Member
Member # 19331
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, November 8th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sadskittles, both FWH and I have lost friends since the A and directly related to it. My friends did not stop talking to me because of his A, but let me explain. One of my friends has stopped talking to me because she doesn't want to hear anything at all about FWH, positive, negative, anything. Well, if I can't talk about FWH at all and how good things are going or how tough my life has been, then I don't really have anything to talk to her about. So she no longer calls or IM's with me and she was my best friend for 3 years. I am very sad to lose her.

FWH lost a friend just last week because of the A. He is the only friend of my FWH's that knows about the A, and the friend was a BS this summer as well. Well the friend has been acting out (about his BS situation) by dating a lot and living up the singles life. The friend made a horribly hurtful comment to my FWH last week about the A (hurtful to me) and it caused me to just have a melt down and FWH wrote off his friend right then and there.

Some of my other friends just don't talk to me anymore because they don't know how to relate to me anymore. We used to be all about families and H's and kids, and now they are afraid to ask me about those things because they don't know how to handle it if I'm having a bad day, and I'm not going to lie to them just to make them feel better.

Anyway, it is what it is. We are working on making new friends now.


Me, BS 33
Him, FWS 35 (MrFrog)
Married 10 years
DDay 12-11-07

Posts: 834 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NW US
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 3:52 AM, February 8th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why aren't there more WS questions for BS??


Posts: 10976 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, February 8th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did you lose any friendships over your S infidelity, because you decided to stay with that you S?

No. But I almost lost my daughter who found it inconceivable that I would stay with her father after what he'd done... and she didn't even know details.

No one other than our counselors and one good couple (our best friends) know that I know. He has two people who knew about the affair and even encouraged it... we have not seen them since at my insistence. I don't know if he feels the loss of them or not. Personally don't care.

My take is the same position I took with my kids (and one IC who encourged me to leave). My decision (to stay) is My decision. It was based on many criteria. Some of which were far more important to me than his sexual issues. If they understand it fine, they're welcome in my life, if not, I don't need them.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
doxiemom
♀ Member
Member # 22537
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, February 8th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Copeland

My STBXWH had a EA, and even tho I still love him I can not be with him again because I will never trust him. To me you have to have trust in a relationship to make it work and as I will never be able to really trust him, his words or actions there isnt any point to it.
Personally if you are still living together but she thinks herself single all you are doing is hurting yourself. Keep going to IC for yourself so you can get it all straight, but to me she or you should move out as it is a codependant relationship going on there, you still want her, she says no way im now single but you still live together. It isnt real healthy for either of you.
Good Luck


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