Did you lose any friendships over your S infidelity, because you decided to stay with that you S?
If so, how did you deal with it?
Yes, a few. But you know what? I just think that is very indicative of the types of friendships they truly were then. In all honesty, I haven't even given those 'friends' a second thought.
They need to be friends both during the good and bad times.
I also know her H has had many A's and she has no idea.
I have wanted her to know so she can make the ight choice for herself
D-day is 4 months out
[This message edited by surviving1979 at 8:12 PM, March 1st (Sunday)]
This is everything my W has told me about her infidelity with your H. I hope this information can fill in any pieces to the puzzle that you are missing.
Here is my contact info. Please take your time and write down any and all questions that you may have for us to answer. After the questions and answers we will be going NC with you and your H so we can work towards R.
"It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." Frederick Douglass (1818-1895)
If I act like I have boundaries, will I eventually have these boundaries?
Put like this it seems so foolish .
I guess I would just like some perspective from people that are aware of their personal boundaries. If I keep working on this idea of boundaries, trying to define them, mentally and emotionally, and 'playing house', behaving like I'm already aware of my boundaries... Will I then lay these boundaries for myself at some point? The old action-cognition-emotion influencing each other?
Or in short - how do I grow myself some boundaries?
Thanks for any input - I'm rather confused ...
Every choice you make reflects on your spouse as well. You go out into the world as a married woman, not a single one. YOu want the world to see you as a married woman so you act like one.
If you are in a situation that you know would upset your BH and you know that when he asks about your day you will omit or gloss over a conversation you had with someone of the opposite sex. Then you know you've crossed a boundary.
Anything you can't do in front of your spouse should not be done. or if you are the type of person who still has a problem with boundaries even in front of your spouse think of how you'd feel if he did what you were doing.
Before you make a comment to another man or agree to a solo meeting think. How would I feel if BH did this and didn't tell me about it? how would I feel if he acted like this with some woman?
Once you put your mind on how your actions look to and affect others you'll find that following those boundaries become easier and easier.
Status: In R
So there really is no pretending to have boundaries they are like walls you put them up or you dont kwim?
Your saying if you "act like" you have boundries will that mean you will eventually have boundaries? My answer is yes as soon as you put those boundaries into effect they are there. period.
Now the hard part..You have to learn there is no good reason no matter what that other person says to cross those boundaries.
After your M has been hit with infidelity those boundaries need to be strong and not crossed..
Sending you strength..Good luck
If she regains her sanity from the fog, and she begs forgiveness, as Bufffalo says "sobbing, crying, mascara dripping off her chin", here is why I would try to R:
For over 30 years, she was my best friend.
I saw her every morning, and every night, and she was beautiful. In those years she went from teenage chubby to starving thin to pregnant to thin to overweight to smoking hot. Her hair went from brunette to blond to red, from long to short. And always beautiful to me, no matter her weight, her hair color, her complexion.
I watched her bear my 3 children.
I watched her raise my kids, teach them to play baseball, counsel her friends, laugh, cry, sing, have parties, redecorate houses, volunteer.
She was my first love.
That person is gone. If I believed, truly believed, that she missed that person, and was trying with all her might to become that person again, or an improved if slightly damaged version of that person, I would gladly work to make that happen.
She may think I never loved her, never appreciated her, never cared for her, never nurtured her. And, truth to tell, I know in my heart I didn't meet all her needs. As I know she didn't meet mine.
But I did love her. I do. This is the greatest loss of my life.
But I did love her. I do. This is the greatest loss of my life.
Trusted - Gosh, I can feel your love for your W and I'm so sorry that she cannot...
My H has been nothing but ... oh, more than human in his understanding and forgiveness. Even when he was fuming mad (with very good reason), I always knew he loved/loves me. I don't deserve it, but I treasure it. I have to live up to it.
I just don't understand how he can still love me with the awful things I've said to him.
Wow, the question that everyone asks me. Yes, I love my wife, always have, always will. Yes, I wanted to stone her to death, and with just cause, but could do nothing else but love and miss her while she was gone.
When she wanted to come back, in spite of my moving on (yeah right), all I could do was take her in.
The rub here, she seems to be going right back to pre S wife. And I am starting to feel like a sucker, more and more.
Yes, I wanted to stone her to death, and with just cause, but could do nothing else but love and miss her while she was gone
See? That's what I don't understand. I knew H was that mad, and yet in the same breath, he would still tell me he loved me...
Love isn't so logical. I think there is probably a good analogy in the question, "How could my spouse cheat if he/she loved me" to "How could my spouse still love me given the things I've done and said?"
We love because we have to. I can not tell my self to not love, just as I can't tell myself to love.
I can't tell you why I love Unexpected Song. I can tell you what I love about her. But, what is it that lights that extra spark that makes me love the person? I don't know.
I love her, even when I am angry. I love my sons even when I am angry at them, just as my father loved me, even when he was angry at me.
It is because we love that this hurts so much.
I made that purposely vague--"we" includes both BS's and WS's. Many WS's hurt very deeply. Partly this is due to damage to self-image, but largely this is because they still love their BS's. Likewise, BS's hurt, get angry, lost and all that because they love their WS's.
My wife and I have been dealing with this for 17 months. There has been no meaningful intimacy since just a few weeks after d-day (HB). How do we connect?
I am at a loss because we are still in limbo with no decision on R or D. The only thing for sure that we have not done is have any kind of intimacy. No hugging, kissing, or better, just living life without it. Is this the catch that we have to overcome for us to connect in some way so that we can begin to build a real and lasting relationship?
I have expressed this as a need and for me a Vital Love Language. I think I have been doing things right most of the time, and my BS says that I am, but we can't seem to bridge the gap between us. We are stuck, and I don't know how long I can continue to live this way..
Any advice, comments, or ideas?
PERSISTANCE IS THE ABILITY TO MAINTAIN ACTION REGARDLESS OF YOUR FEELINGS. YOU PRESS ON EVEN WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE QUITTING