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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: WS Questions for BS's
Nightlord
♂ Member
Member # 10741
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, May 5th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

retailtherapy, I was both a bs or bbf and the OM. I can tell you this that the OBS needs to know so she can make her own choice in her M. Also if you and your BH say nothing then there is a possiblity that the XOM will do this again. No one should go through that kind of pain, also what happens if the XOM gives or gets an STD and then gives it to his BS could you live with that knowning that you could have stop it by exposing yours. Think about it.


Me: OP(long time ago)/BBF
Her: XWGF (She who shall not be named)
"I've seen the worst of both worlds and it sucks"

Posts: 436 | Registered: May 2006 | From: New York City
brokendreamz
♀ Member
Member # 18436
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, May 5th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just curious......How long after the A - did you stop thinking about the OW??

This week is OW's bday - according to FWH the A ended in 2007. FWH - always remembers B-days (mine,kids,all family, friends etc) I'm just feeling really insecure about this.

ETA: Sorry wrong thread!DUH!!

[This message edited by brokendreamz at 2:59 PM, May 6th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 1077 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: SouthEast
hitbyatruck
♀ Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, May 5th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My question for the BS that wanted to rebuild.

My WH says that he wants to work things out but hasn't done anything past the basics to show me that he means it. He is transparent but always was. I had all his PWs before the affair which was one of the reasons it was so easy to catch him. Also makes it hurt more because he didn't care enough to hide it. He had a final phone call with OW but still struggling with wanting to speak to her.

What are some of the things you did to help your spouse heal?


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3276 | Registered: Apr 2009
AnnabelleLee
♀ Member
Member # 23636
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, May 6th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hitbyatruck,

I'm not sure I completely understand what you're asking - are you asking what BS's have done to help their WS's heal?

If so, it took me a while to understand that just because my husband never talked about what happened unless I was upset and brought it up that it didn't mean he wasn't suffering. I asked him if his suffering compelled him to try and be a better husband - and his honest response was "no, it makes me withdraw and spiral into depression." I tried to show him that I understood that it was hard for both of us, and that he COULD come to me to talk. He had felt like he couldn't, because he is the WS and he didn't think he was entitled to a shoulder to cry on.

I also encouraged him to join SI, to help him start talking about his feelings.


"Time has told me, you're a rare, rare find... A troubled cure for a troubled mind."
- Nick Drake

Me - BS
Him - WS thelateghost


Posts: 124 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Massachusetts
invictus
♀ Member
Member # 21623
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, May 6th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a BS. It seems to me that only a remorseful WS even bothers to ask questions of a BS.

My WS seemed to assume he KNEW how I felt, what I wanted to know, how I SHOULD feel, etc. He was never remorseful; just sorry he got caught and then sorry for hurting everyone's (whole family) feelings.

So ... if he had asked me any question, that would have been a hopeful thing... and indicated he cared enough about someone besides himself to attempt some healing.

I think what I'm saying (besides "What's for dinner?" or "Are you really going to wear that?")... is, if the WS asks questions that's a good thing!

It is just that at the time of extreme emotional turmoil, answers don't come easy...

What would I have wanted my WS to ask me? ANYTHING!


♥ One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz

Posts: 1856 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Texas
invictus
♀ Member
Member # 21623
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, May 6th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a BS. It seems to me that only a remorseful WS even bothers to ask questions of a BS.

My WS seemed to assume he KNEW how I felt, what I wanted to know, how I SHOULD feel, etc. He was never remorseful; just sorry he got caught and then sorry for hurting everyone's (whole family) feelings.

So ... if he had asked me any question, that would have been a hopeful thing... and indicated he cared enough about someone besides himself to attempt some healing.

I think what I'm saying (besides "What's for dinner?" or "Are you really going to wear that?")... is, if the WS asks questions that's a good thing!

It is just that at the time of extreme emotional turmoil, answers don't come easy...

What would I have wanted my WS to ask me? ANYTHING!


♥ One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz

Posts: 1856 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Texas
hitbyatruck
♀ Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, May 6th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for the responses. I typed BS when I should have typed WS. My question was for the WSs.

My head isn't all there lately. But you all did give me something to think about.

I will repost my ? again correctly.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3276 | Registered: Apr 2009
hitbyatruck
♀ Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, May 6th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

posted in wrong section, sorry.

[This message edited by hitbyatruck at 2:07 PM, May 6th (Wednesday)]


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3276 | Registered: Apr 2009
Fallen
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, June 30th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump for whoami3


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23475 | Registered: May 2004
StormySands
♀ Member
Member # 23709
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, June 30th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

posted in wrong forum... ooops

[This message edited by StormySands at 6:12 PM, June 30th (Tuesday)]


Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

Posts: 286 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: AZ
Tried23
♀ Member
Member # 21076
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, July 22nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We go to our first MC tonight. I have had around 4 IC sessions.

He is somewhat nervous and I am too. As a BS, what types of things were you uncomfortable with hearing?

It's not that I don't plan on sharing my thoughts/feelings but wanted to know what things might cause you the most worry before the first appointment.


Me: FWS (me) 48
Husband: BS 44
Married: 14 Years, 2 kids (14 and 13)
D-Day 1: 07/27/08
D-Day 2: 4/15/09 Same OM
D-Day 3: 3/2/2010 All disclosed
Reconciling

Posts: 375 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: MN
findingmyplace
♀ Member
Member # 24512
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, July 22nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck with the MC tonight, Tried 23. It helps, really it does.

As a BS, the only thing taht really sticks out in my mind is when he said the chemistry with OW was...and then he made a sound. I interpreted that to mean it was out of this world. Now, I'm thinking maybe it meant something else. Everything else we talked about moved us to helping our relationship. Perhaps I'm not the best person to answer this question since I can't seem to remember much. I just wanted you to have some encouragement before you went.


Posts: 557 | Registered: Jun 2009
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, July 22nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

T23,
I was nervous about hearing all of it. I was afraid Id hear something new or something old in a different way. I was afraid that my failures and inadaqucies would be rolled out for everyone to see and laugh at. I was afraid the MC would agree with my WW and say it was all my fault. I was afraid my WW would go into her anger mode and I would have to pay and pay and pay for any hurt I showed.

As a BH my WWs A made me feel like a huge failure, and I was afraid the MC session would do nothing more than rub my nose in that. I was afraid my WW would say she still loved her OM. I was afraid she would tell me he was better than me.

I was afraid of being needy and volnerable. I was afraid of being weak. She had told me that my crying and being hurt were a big turn off and that I was not going to win her back that way. I was hurt and afraid to show it and was afraid the MC was going to force me to bring it out.

I was afraid of it all.

That probably wasnt much help.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3066 | Registered: Sep 2007
nothereorthere
♀ Member
Member # 20530
Default  Posted: 1:38 AM, July 23rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Tried23. Guess I'm a little late coming into this forum and reading your question. So many WS's have helped me when I needed it, so I hope I can return the favor. When my FWH & me went to MC it wasn't so much what I would find out about the affair, it was more being afraid he would say that he loved the other person & enjoyed everything with her more then me. It didn't happen, but that was my biggest fear. Your safest bet is letting your H know that you don't want to hurt him more & ask him to let you know how much information would be too much for him. Those things, you can discuss in IC where they won't upset him. I'm one of those persons that need to know every detail & have time to process it then put it behind me. Everyone handles things differently. He will be glad to know that you are considering his feelings, so don't be afraid to tell him what you told all of us. Communication is always best. Good luck to the two of you. Counselling helps. It can be rough at times, but it's worth it.

[This message edited by nothereorthere at 1:41 AM, July 23rd (Thursday)]


Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
SwissMs
♀ Member
Member # 25607
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, September 21st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm new here, but needed somewhere to turn. I have destroyed every ounce of faith and trust my H had in me. He discovered my A in May. He immediately filed for a divorce. After a couple of days to calm down, he said he was going to think about the D. July 5th rolls around and he says he is going through with the divorce; that he knew that is what he wanted all along and he was just using me to get things done around the house (I am the handy one for home repairs).

2 days later he met w/ his atty w/ his financial disclosure paperwork. The same day, I had decided to put my 16 year old dog (my baby) down due to failing health. I told him I wanted my Mother w/ me as he had been quite clear he did not love me and wanted a D.

That night, he said he changed his mind and wanted to work on the marriage. (Which I had been begging him to do since May). We sat down together and found a MC we agreed on, and first went last month. He made the stipulation to me that night that it must be "full disclosure....no more lies or secrets" for either one of us.

I have since found out (2 weeks ago) he has been hiding from me for 4 months that he has changed his beneficiary on everything from me to his sister. I have been 100% honest and committed to working on our marriage, which was far from perfect for the past several years. It took phone calls to my atty & his to have him change this back. We have a court date scheduled for 11/3 (no divorce paperwork is ready as things are on hold...I think). Even though my atty says there is nothing to do at that court date, it is a waste of $$, he won't cancel it.

It seems that everything he does or says doesn't point to him really wanting to try. He still says he doesn't love me.

Am I being a complete idiot for hanging in there? I just feel so hopeless. I would do anything to take away his pain. I wish it never happened, but it did. I'm trying anything I can for him to see he can trust me, but I also need to know I can trust him and that he is truly delaying things to work on our marriage, not just to use me more.

Any insight from BS's is greatly appreciated. I'm new here & am really desperate for input from anyone who has been hurt by an affair. I've been called every name in the book (mostly by his sister who is doing everything in her power to get him to leave), so bash away if you must. I know I deserve it. No matter how bad things were, I made them 100 times worse.


me FWW/BW - desperation fling
him BH/WH - LTA w/ my "friend"
He filed for D 5/20/09, and I finished it. Now he's out in the open with my so-called "friend".

Posts: 125 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Wisconsin
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 9:24 PM, September 21st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SwissMs...

so bash away if you must. I know I deserve it

Please do not encourage bashing/attacking...that is not how we run this site.

Also, you may want to post in the WS forum to gain more perspective from other WS's.

Thank you


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 191749 | Registered: May 2002
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, September 21st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For what it's worth, literally one of the first things I did after discovering my wife's affair was to change my beneficiaries on all of my accounts to my siblings. The ones I couldn't change, I cancelled.

Of course, my wife has been a SAHM for our entire marriage, and I wasn't about to have her living off my insurance and investments if her infidelity put me in an early grave. I figured I'd supported her running around for long enough.

I still haven't changed it back.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
lingerdog
♂ Member
Member # 24459
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, September 21st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my opinion, if you want the marriage, all you can do is continue to show him that is what you want, continue to show him that you are remorseful for what you have done. It is going to be a hard road to go down. AS far as trust, it's not going to magically come back over night, it will take a while to rebuild that. HAve you been to the healing library, the yellow box on the upper left of the screen, maybe check in there, you will find some articles that may be helpful to you.


What lies behind us & what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Oliver Wendell Holmes -Stolen from Uni's page

Posts: 8921 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Awesomeville
BetrayedinSD
♂ New Member
Member # 24410
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, September 21st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

to regain trust you need time, NC, complete honesty no matter what, COMPLETE transparency, and true remorse.

Your bs is pissed, the anger takes time to get to a level where he can begin the think rationally again.

Now the harsh reality, infidelity is a deal breaker for many and this could be his


Me- BS
Her- WW

Posts: 36 | Registered: Jun 2009
jollum
♂ Member
Member # 25152
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, September 22nd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Swissms,
The question you might ask yourself is what is more important to you, his money or your marriage? You were unfaithful to him by cheating and he is being unfaithful to you by not wanting you to share in any finances after his death. You should focus on what is really important and forget about the money. Your BS is hurting and you worrying about who gets his insurance is only telling him that he doesn't matter to you just what he can provide. Rise above it or you are going to reinforce his thoughts that you don't really care about him. I know I would have a hard time believing my WS gave a crap about me when all she was concerned with is where my money goes when I die. My first question to her would be where did her heart go while I lived?

Posts: 269 | Registered: Aug 2009
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