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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: WS Questions for BS's
hopingwaiting
♀ Member
Member # 23575
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, December 26th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Manascending, I am a BS who does not want to hear "gory details" as I put it. It is too painful and I am worried it will add to mind movies. I will ask basic questions but other than that, don't want to know.

Your BS could be doing a 180 as she copes with the aftermath. She may also be just in shock and blocking it for now.

Has she had mood swings? Is she withdrawing in other ways?
Are you following the 4 pillars of reconciliation:
no contact w/ OPs, honesty, transparency and showing remorse? If so, she may be getting what she needs at the moment!

[This message edited by hopingwaiting at 9:53 AM, December 26th (Saturday)]


BW (Me)-34,
our 1st baby born 7/6/09
WH-34
EA turned PA 8/08-present
D-Day#1 (1/1/09) false R,
D-Day #2 (3/17/09)said he couldn't stop contacting her; told him to move out
married 3.5 years; together 5
status-WH filed for D 6/14/10

Posts: 615 | Registered: Apr 2009
jewel123
♀ Member
Member # 22863
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, December 26th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ManAscending

The biggest key to R that I have found is communication. Then some more communication thrown in for good measure.

There could be all kinds of reasons. Yes she could be detaching. Yes it could be she doesnt want to hear the "gory details". Plus a whole lot of other reasons.

I think the best thing for you to do is to communicate with her about it.

Ask her if she has any ?'s. Ask her if she wants to talk about things. These responses to a BS are wonderful.

If she says no she doesnt have any ?'s or doesnt want to talk about it then you need to explain your fears. Tell her your afraid that she is not interested in repairing the M any longer. It gives you the opportunity to work on things.

Communicate, communicate, communicate.

Sending you strength
Jewel

[This message edited by jewel123 at 10:02 AM, December 26th (Saturday)]


BS me 44
H 46 (paulie)
married 25 years (hs sweethearts)
dday 8-08
DS19
DS23
New love is the brightest, and long love is the greatest, but revived love is the tenderest thing known on earth. -Thomas Hardy
Reconciled! :)

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: MO
manAscending
♂ Member
Member # 26919
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, December 26th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Devestatedx5 and Good Wife
Thanks for sharing what you felt with me. I appreciate your honesty. I never considered that it would be hard for my BS to verbalise or understand her discomfort. I also don't fully understand the pain she's in. After D-day and before we separated, we continued to live together for two months. The feelings I would expect to have seen never really surfaced, and I imagine they're surfacing now.

@hopingwaiting and jewell123
I will do my best to communicate with my wife, although I'm feeling resistance/reluctance on her part right now. She's not returning my phone messages or email, so I suspect she either needs space, or is waiting for a grand gesture from me. I'm following the 4 pillars of reconciliation, and in a small while, will ask if she has questions that she'd like to ask me. Thanks for your time and input, I really appreciate it.


Posts: 1648 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Ontario
figureitout
♀ Member
Member # 23997
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, December 27th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS...mind movies?

My BH recently shared several mind movies that were playing over and over with him.

Now that he has given me details of them, I have asked if they are less frequent...but I do not know whether to continue addressing the state of them. I am unsure of asking if they are improving or if they have changed so as not to bring them to the forefront of BH's mind.

If you shared mind-movies with your WS, how would you like them to react to the information?

FIO


M-30+ yr
Dday 8/09

Posts: 308 | Registered: May 2009
Littlegirllost
♀ Member
Member # 21769
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, January 3rd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

figureitout, I suppose I would need reassurance that *I* was all he thought of. Reassurance that you have returned to him and have shed off all traces of the other. That it is the two... just the two... once again... the way it once was.

Mind movies are horrible.


Me: BS 48 yrs.
FWH 50
D'day: 5/22/08
2 EA's, 1 PA during 5 month period of time
A Midlife Crisis gone wild
In R

Posts: 1301 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: New Jersey
fooledbyapilot
♀ Member
Member # 26349
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, January 4th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The mind movies are so horrible. As a BS you fill in the blanks with your own imagination.

BUT, for me if I get too much detail from my WH then I put the real details in and add more of my imagination to it. I tell my WH about the movies and he just holds me and kisses me and says I'm sorry. I told him along time ago not to give me gory details as I can't take it.

Hard to say what your spouse wants, everyone is different. You have to ask them the level of detail they want.


ME(BS):47 HIM (WS):50
WS Married 21 yrs together 33
dd#1- nov 16, 2009
DD#2-went out NYE 2009-found out Feb 2012
DD#2-Feb 5, 2010-date they had(found out Feb 2012)
dd#3 - June 16, 2010-broke NC
dd#4-Dec 31, 2010-broke contact
DD#5-Feb 21, 201

Posts: 186 | Registered: Nov 2009
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, January 23rd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hmmmmm...

I haven't really shared the details of the mind movies. I just usually let him know that it is going on.

I think, rather than specifically asking if he's having them or has had them recently, maybe you should just ask if he's had any struggles and demonstrate a willingness to help him through them.


Posts: 10976 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
shatteredwindow
♂ Member
Member # 27051
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, January 23rd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW helps me out by asking me if I want to talk about it...That helps even if I don't...

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jan 2010
GreenEyes885
♀ Member
Member # 25267
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, January 23rd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since the OW was 20 yrs younger and loved giving bj's all the time... Yes - I wonder frequently if I'll meet his needs. I wonder that he's constantly compairing me to her and what they liked doing together. He chose to be with another after taking vows with me... it hurts like hell.


Me-BS;
Him-WH;
Married 9+, LTA-2-3 yrs
D-Day 07/02/2009

One Day At A Time....


Posts: 267 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: RR
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, February 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS's,

Do you want who you first married to, that pre-A person?
Can that person exist anymore?
Do you really want the person you know your WS can be, if it took an A to get them to become that person?

There seems to be a consensus that both WS and BS need to change to deal with many of the pre-A issues that may have set the stage for the A, but what happens if only one spouse ends up changing? I am not asking this about things like being more open or being able to communicate better. I am asking about those BIG changes. What if the changes one spouse needs to make either seem like no change at all, or are so far beyond what is expected that that other can't keep up? Sounds selfish no that I have put this down in writing, but this is what I am dealing with right now.

Thanks for any help.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6060 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
GettinBetterNow
♀ New Member
Member # 26648
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, February 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes I do want that person back, the person he was long before his A. But that person is long gone and will never be back and I'm ok with that.

The person he is now is very similar to the person he was. He is definitely way more open about his feelings now and I love the person he is now. I think if I had the choice to pick either who he was and who he is, I'd pick the person he is now.


BS:me,31
FWS:him,37
M:8.5 yrs, together almost 12yrs.
3 children together:
D-10.5yrs,D-7yrs,S-5.5yrs and StepD-13yrs
D-day:12/25/05
TT till 03/17/06(our son's 2nd B-day)
R'ing since 09/07

Posts: 17 | Registered: Dec 2009
crushed again
♀ Member
Member # 26138
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, February 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BaxtersBFF
As a BS I think the biggest reason I want my 'old' WH back is because it was before he felt the need to turn to someone else Wh's 1st A was not a PA (I know this for a fact) and after I ousted him on this one he changed but only in a good way. He became more open and honest. With this A he changed but not for the better. I saw him go from a hardworking, caring, H and Dad to a lying, cowardly, lost person. As with all WS he tried to 'justify' his A by blameshifting. Also to point out ALL my flaws. Now I think that the fog is slowly lifting and he is finally coming back to us. He has changed though. Even those that don't know about the A have remarked on this. Not to ramble but YES, I miss my old H. Very much...


"Don't you worry your pretty little mind because people throw rocks at things that shine!"
~I guess living in limbo is my "new normal"- stinks!~

Posts: 713 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Dreaming of a far better place!
elske
♀ Member
Member # 24671
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, February 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Baxter:

this depends on how different things became during the A(s) or after Dday, or how D-days were handled.
I was lucky, other than finding out about a second life my FWH never acted differently.

Do I want the same sense of security in truely knowing and trusting that the person i 'thought I knew' is doing what he says he does? Of course, but that can only happen in time...contigent on many things.

If you used to share, share now. If you used to do cute little things, then try that..being respective of any space your BS may want.

good luck.


D-day 7/2/09
Me-BW 32
WH 32 - For over 2 years or more--8 or so PAs,(makes no difference anymore) 1 EA.
WH was long term SAB by clergy member(in major therapy) had no clue until D-day.
Attempting R.

Posts: 114 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: north east
Just Crushed
♂ Member
Member # 24852
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, February 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Baxter,
I do want a "new and improved" version of the pre-A person back, but the old relationship is DEAD. It all starts over.

I get the impression that you are asking if the WS is the only one that has to make changes or sacrifices. Is that what your asking? Well, if it is my answer would be 1) The WS needs to make specific changes to help right the wrong, and 2) both spouses need to put effort in to fix the marriage.

Now about BIG changes...hmmm, not sure what you mean by this. I mean we all married our spouses b/c we love who they are...so, I don't think a spouse can change the core of who they are. But, yes both spouses need to make the changes necessary to foster love. Kind of like it was in the beginning.


BH
*details in Profile*

Posts: 843 | Registered: Jul 2009
healingwife
♀ Member
Member # 23912
Default  Posted: 5:30 AM, February 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Baxter,

Your being here and asking these questions attest to your urgent sense of wanting to "right the wrong" of your A. I am treading very, very lightly here...

I have read and re-read your question, and Just Crushed asked the same question I was going to:

Are you asking whether or not you are the only one who should be doing all the work?

Of course, overall, both of you need to work on the marriage. But I would be very, very careful to insinuate to your BS that she needs to do the work now, too. Even though it will be the case later, telling her that she needs to work on pre-A issues now only fuels her hurt and indignation -- and actually sounds like blameshifting a little.

Most WSs have a warped perception of their marriages -- it is sort of the safety blanket of justification that a WS will weave into the energy of the M in order to give permission to have the A. The snowball may start with a real issue, but quickly becomes more heightened in a WS's head when the opportunity of having an A presents itself. The WS can obsess over the "state of the marriage" and pick the flaws -- and then pick on the BS, creating an even more negative energy in the M. This then snowballs into the abyss.

In my case, I believe that a shred of this warped sense of our M remains in my H. And when he starts to bring up the pre-A issues before he has tackled the A, he sounds like he is blaming the A on these issues. And while I truly believe there were issues, I refuse to buy into "how bad it was."

Whenever he even hints that "hey, you need to work on this, too," I am set back weeks.

So of course she needs to work on things, too. But it will happen in time. Believe me, if you harbor any thoughts of "hey, why am I the only one working on this?", you will only set her back.

Just know that the other issues will be brought up. They really will. But you have to spend a lot of time getting her through your betrayal.

In the meantime, make sure she is seeing (or continuing to see) an IC. I never thought I needed to see an IC -- I mean, I'm not the one who caused this, right? Well, my IC is the only thing keeping me sane. She calls me on obsessive thoughts, while validating the thoughts and feelings I have. And that right there is healing.

Anyway, just my opinion. And I swear it's not a 2x4 -- I have been following your story, and you have really handled the situation in a caring and intuitive way so far.

[This message edited by healingwife at 5:32 AM, February 9th (Tuesday)]


BS - me
FWH - him
married 20 years
Lovingly in R
EA/PA from April-August 2008
Discovered EA - 8/28/08
Discovered PA - 4/17/09 (admitted on his own)

Posts: 482 | Registered: May 2009
Edie
♀ Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 5:43 AM, February 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BFF, I am not sure that I understand your question, so can only answer what my situation is.

I regarded DDAy as a massive wake-up call, that I had been doing too much caring for everybody else, and had put myself too far down on my list. So my 180 was instinctive, pursuing what I wanted my life to be. I like myself so I did not feel I needed to change, but enhance.

Because I loved/ love my H, I wanted this for him too, and said this is now an opportunity. I guess I led by example, and waited to see if he caught up; in some ways, I wasn't invested in him changing for me, but for himself, and so knew that this was something I should not be involved in, as it would be yet again me fixing things.

I like very much who he is now - only an enhanced version of his former self, someone who does not need to pay attention to shallow concerns any more and is greatly relieved by that.

But in some ways, I am not measuring him, and only measure myself, and that is a bad habit - judging myself, still got to fix that.

I don't feel he 'owes' me anything, if that is part of your question. But I do feel its all about teamwork also.

Not sure if that addresses what you want to hear.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 4960 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, February 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Baxter
I would love to have the man I married. The man that had values and character. He lost that the day he slept with the OP. That person died. An a shallow man walks in his shoes now for me. For him he may feel stronger I am glad for him. Funny how the tables turn when an A enters into a marriage.
Yes I would die for that man not the one that walks beside me now.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3141 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, February 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone.

Even though I am the WS, if I had to answer my own questions, I would say 1) it would be great to have that pre-A person back but 2) that person doesn't exist and 3) not sure that I can envision being with a person with the shadow of an A hanging over everything.

Those being my answers, I think BW and I are both making changes. Things have been really good for the past month or more.

I would like to explain more about the big change part of my last post, but I can't seem to do it right now. GG will have to talk first, then I will either get my questions answered from talking to her, or I will hopefully be able to focus more and re-post again here.

Thanks again.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6060 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, February 10th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Baxter.

Do you want who you first married to, that pre-A person?

No. I would not want to be with some one that could do that to me. What I would like back tho is the innocence we had then. That trust that existed between us.

Can that person exist anymore?

I dunno. I am not a WS so can not answer this.
BUT. We BS change allot. Probably more than the WS does. But may be it is not visible to you because you are still to focus on you self.

Do you really want the person you know your WS can be, if it took an A to get them to become that person?

I would like to think that my WS could have changed without having the A. To say that I get a better WS because of the A is to some how say to me that I should be happy about the A on some level. This is a complete invalidation of me pain.

There seems to be a consensus that both WS and BS need to change to deal with many of the pre-A issues that may have set the stage for the A,..

Are you saying pre-A issues in the M caused you A? If so then I dont agree. I think you need to look at HOW you could make such a choice.

.. but what happens if only one spouse ends up changing? I am not asking this about things like being more open or being able to communicate better. I am asking about those BIG changes. What if the changes one spouse needs to make either seem like no change at all, or are so far beyond what is expected that that other can't keep up? Sounds selfish no that I have put this down in writing, but this is what I am dealing with right now.

Are you saying that you are changing but you BS is not? If so. I think you need to look closer. And if you BS is not responding to you changes then may be those changes are not what you BS is looking for?


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3088 | Registered: Sep 2007
shatteredwindow
♂ Member
Member # 27051
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, February 10th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have time to go into detail right now...I think the BS doing a lot of internal adjusting that most of the time is not easy to put into words...I don't think the BS has to change much, except that A changes us forever...Dealing with all that is much of the time way more than I can handle...I told my WW that the hardest thing may be the fact that I will look at her for the rest of my life and think "she cheated on me!"...That I believe is the ultimate burden for any BS to come to grips with...The A changes us forever...Isn't that enough for us to be asked to handle?

[This message edited by shatteredwindow at 11:00 AM, February 10th (Wednesday)]


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