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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: WS Questions for BS's
sadnews
♀ Member
Member # 22235
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, February 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BaxtersBFF, your question made me very, very sad, because in my situation, I don't have a very encouraging answer.

I want the man I THOUGHT my WH was. And I don't believe he was, or ever will be, that man.

My WH believes that the whole A was just a big anomaly - that he "changed" in a very bad way "for a while" but now he has "changed back" into the wonderful person he was, pre-A.

And to me, that just sounds like a lot of bullshit. WH is great at putting his best foot forward. Everyone who knows him (except me and the very few people who know about the A) think he is a complete superstar of a guy. And I include WH himself in this - I believe he continues to think very highly of himself.

And so, I don't think WH feels he needs to "change" at all now. I think he believes that he "made a big mistake," "made bad choices," "was selfish," but since he's not doing that awful stuff anymore (because he got caught), he's just snapped right back into being Mr. Wonderful.

And I don't believe in Mr. Wonderful anymore, at all.



Posts: 731 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: USA
jollum
♂ Member
Member # 25152
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, March 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

figureitout

I'm a BH and from my view the mind movies are probably about the worst thing after the betrayal. My WW has told me some details but not very graphic and I haven't pushed for them. Just knowing that the only woman I've ever loved or been intimate with could do what she did makes me sick every time I think of it. I have no doubt my imaginations are no where near as bad as what happened. What details she gave me were so much worse than anything I ever thought she was capable of doing that I really believe if I knew every detail we'd be D by now.

As far as asking your BH about them, I can only tell you that I would LOVE it if my WW would bring up the painful things like that once in a while and discuss them. If I bring them up she will discuss but otherwise they are never mentioned. All I get from that is she doesn't understand one bit of how much this all hurts and how much I need her to be willing to wade through the sewage with me not hide from it.


Posts: 269 | Registered: Aug 2009
deena
♀ Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, March 12th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate the mind movies...I can be feeling better...then something triggers and the movies come back and put me in a depressing mood.
I don't think my WH understood why I was getting the moods swings.
I told him before he went to sleep (on the couch) one night, to try to picture me being intimate with another man...and that maybe then he would understand how I feel, how I can swing back and forth with my moods. How seeing anything on tv, reading stuff in the paper, going past the bar that he met her...would just trigger the mind movies.


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 2478 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, March 12th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you want who you first married to, that pre-A person?
Can that person exist anymore?
Do you really want the person you know your WS can be, if it took an A to get them to become that person?

There seems to be a consensus that both WS and BS need to change to deal with many of the pre-A issues that may have set the stage for the A, but what happens if only one spouse ends up changing? I am not asking this about things like being more open or being able to communicate better. I am asking about those BIG changes. What if the changes one spouse needs to make either seem like no change at all, or are so far beyond what is expected that that other can't keep up? Sounds selfish no that I have put this down in writing, but this is what I am dealing with right now.

Do you want who you first married to, that pre-A person?
Can that person exist anymore?
The image he portrayed to me (and to himself) was just that- an image. So, that guy can't exist anymore because now I know he never did. Kind-of like Santa.

Do you really want the person you know your WS can be, if it took an A to get them to become that person?
There were other, better ways to get there. I have hope for him, though.

There seems to be a consensus that both WS and BS need to change to deal with many of the pre-A issues that may have set the stage for the A, but what happens if only one spouse ends up changing? I am not asking this about things like being more open or being able to communicate better. I am asking about those BIG changes. What if the changes one spouse needs to make either seem like no change at all, or are so far beyond what is expected that that other can't keep up? Sounds selfish no that I have put this down in writing, but this is what I am dealing with right now.
When one person grows in a relationship and the other does not, the relationship eventually dies.

Posts: 10929 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
erzulie
♀ Member
Member # 3293
Question  Posted: 4:46 PM, March 30th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just can't get it right today, sorry.

[This message edited by erzulie at 4:46 PM, March 30th (Tuesday)]


A saying for my SI Family: "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all".

Fooled twice - almost exactly 10 years apart.


Posts: 3375 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: California
HelpBLV
♂ Member
Member # 27914
Default  Posted: 3:42 AM, April 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My situation is in the WS forum, but my question is for BS.

xBGF did not want R after dday/breakup (same day). She admitted she did only after I made some poor choices after dday, and now says again there is no chance of us even being friends.

xBGF texted me today saying she's digging deep to forgive me, though she doubts we can ever be friends, which is all I can hope for. She said she needs to forgive me to move on.

Can anyone give me insight on what forgiveness means on her part? What would she get out of it? How is forgiving me necessary to move on?

I know there is no clearcut answer, but just perspective from BS would help.

Thank you


Me: FWBF
Striving to work towards R as xBGF indicates she doesn't want to
D-Day: 2/7/10

Posts: 118 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Concord, CA
icbtih8
♀ Member
Member # 23797
Default  Posted: 5:42 AM, April 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HelpfulBLV,

forgiveness means a lot of different things to different people. I can only give you my perspective which I'm guessing is similar to hers.

Forgiveness to me means letting go of the past, accepting that you cannot change the past nor the behavior of the person who did you wrong. It means that I will not hold a grudge or resentment against the person who wronged me. I view it as something I need to do for myself because I refuse to live holding on to the past or holding a grudge against someone.

It doesn't mean I forget, that I believe that person will never wrong me again, or that I'm willing to take a chance to the possibility of being wronged again. It simply means that if I see that person in the street, I'm not going to harbor negative feelings.


D-day #1 - April 29, 2009

Beauty is a calling...a call "to transfigure what has harden or was wounded within you"
-- John O'Donohue


Posts: 5424 | Registered: Apr 2009
gerrygirl
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Member # 26294
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, April 14th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HelpfulBLV, one of the things I decided long before R started was that I was not going to hold the pain from my H's EA in my heart and let it define the rest of my life. To heal me, I had to forgive him.

I give as an example my own mother. My father had a PA and went on to marry his OW. My mother has held on to her resentment and the bitterness of her D for the last 28 years. She has never had another relationship and to this day the pain and anger from her D can be heard in her voice when she talks about him. This has affected her relationships with her children, although she does not see it or would admit to it.

Your xBGF might not want to harbor any bitterness in her heart that could affect any future relationships. In order to do that, she needs to forgive you so that she can be a whole person again.


Me(BS)-45; Him (FWH)-43 (baxtersbff)
M - 20 years
DD - 16; DS -12
D-day #1: 8/12/07; D-day #2: 11/18/07; D-day #3 5/26/2010
Real R Begins - 5/27/2010

Posts: 962 | Registered: Nov 2009
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, April 14th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HelpBLV

I never want my WS actions to define who I am how I live my life. I neither have to forgive nor forget but accept my actions to the whole situation as the right one. Soo I don't need to forgive nor forget but accept the hand that was dealt to me and how I played it. I have never been bitter and I never want to be a bitter person I did nothing wrong. But I like gerrygirl have seen persons that are soo bitter from their breakups they just never moveon with their lifes.
Sooo I think what you are wanting to know is how can you help your xBGF.
You know what you could go into individual counseling. Tell her you are wanting to know what was wrong with YOU that made you mess up with a perfect partner that you love sooo deeply. Because you don't want to make the same mistake with your next relationship. I hope I helped. Hugs doll...


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3135 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
nothereorthere
♀ Member
Member # 20530
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, April 14th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HelpBLV

For me, forgiving my FWH was for my own benefit. It's difficult to be truly happy if you don't forgive someone because it manifests into anger. So for me, to forgive, is to feel happy once again. I'm too carefree of a person to let what others do weigh me down for long.

If you really want to help your xBGF to forgive you, so she can move on and be happy, then I would suggest a heartfelt apology to her for hurting her. This may help her to forgive you eventually and move her to an emotionally happier place for herself.

Something in your post makes me wonder if you are still hopeful that she will R with you, is my feeling right?

[This message edited by nothereorthere at 5:12 PM, April 14th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
HelpBLV
♂ Member
Member # 27914
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, April 14th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Something in your post makes me wonder if you are still hopeful that she will R with you, is my feeling right?

You're absolutely right... I don't think there's anything left, I'm hopeful, but just want her to heal properly, and want to know how to help her heal if I can...


Me: FWBF
Striving to work towards R as xBGF indicates she doesn't want to
D-Day: 2/7/10

Posts: 118 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Concord, CA
nothereorthere
♀ Member
Member # 20530
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, April 14th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HelpBLV

All you can do now is be TOTALLY honest with her. If you really love her and sincerely put the time and effort in, maybe in time she'll want to R. If not, there's not much you can do, she's got to want it. AND, a lot can depend on how sincere and honest you really are about it all. Good luck. Either way, I hope you both heal and you learn from your mistakes.


Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
nothereorthere
♀ Member
Member # 20530
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, April 14th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HelpBLV

'xOW: Former BS, Divorced, Coworker (32)'

I noticed you have the OW listed in your post. Makes me wonder if you still have feelings for her or feel sorry for her? She has no place in your life, not even in your post. How do you think your XBGF would feel if she saw your post?? Just food for thought.

[This message edited by nothereorthere at 9:59 PM, April 14th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
heartbroken0903
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Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, April 22nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For BSs: how many of you have ever been tempted to cheat (before you knew of your spouse's affair)? If you were, what stopped you? Was it the respect & love for your spouse, refusal to violate your own personal code of morals, or something else?


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1912 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, April 22nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would not want to look at myself in the mirror after if I cheated. I love my reflection right now it is an honest one.
I also love my spouse..


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3135 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
nothereorthere
♀ Member
Member # 20530
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, April 25th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

heartbroken0903

Right before my FWH's A, the thought to cheat did cross my mind, because he was so mean with the way he was acting and speaking to me. I didn't feel loved by him. The thought would pop into my mind and right away I would realize that I still love him, and morally I wouldn't feel right about cheating. After his A, I had the opportunity to cheat with a friend that had feelings for me. I thought about it because I needed validation at the time, and it was nice to be around someone that cared about me after my FWH's A showed me he didn't care for me anymore. Again, I still realized that I didn't stop loving him overnight. And, I knew if I went through with an A, I would find it difficult to live with myself. I'm glad I never went through with it out of love for my husband and respect for myself.

[This message edited by nothereorthere at 12:03 PM, April 25th (Sunday)]


Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, April 25th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

heartbroken

Also I wanted to state that while my husband was pushing me away because of his intent and feelings going towards the OW (which he denies now) but anywho it had me feeling lonely and confused. I wanted love sooo bad and was probably as close to having an affair I have ever been in my marriage. Sooo I was soo lonely and vulnerable. I never will go thru that ever again.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3135 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
icbtih8
♀ Member
Member # 23797
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, April 25th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As far as knowingly falling for an A, I've never been tempted to cheat though the opportunity has been there. How do I explain it. It's like having a bowl of ice cream (with the works!) placed in front of you and someone tells you not to eat it. Problem is that you are not very fond of ice cream so you do go for it. It does nothing to you just sitting in front of you. That's the best way I could describe it.

As far as slipping down the slope sort of unknowingly, it almost happened once. What stopped me was a combination of my own morals, love for my H, respect for everyone that could have been involved, and what my future children would say about me if I had done anything.


D-day #1 - April 29, 2009

Beauty is a calling...a call "to transfigure what has harden or was wounded within you"
-- John O'Donohue


Posts: 5424 | Registered: Apr 2009
ohell
♀ New Member
Member # 27404
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, April 26th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do I as the BW not make things worse? From the WS standpoint how do you cope? I dont know what I am trying to say. I have such a hard time looking at my husband. I don't look at him w/the love in my eyes that I used to have. How do explain to him w/out hurting him worse. He tells me how so sorry he is. To a certain degree I believe he is sorry I just never fully know if its because he was busted or if he is sorry for the devastation. What emotions do you go through. He tells me doesnt ever think about it, its in the past, its over with, he has no feelings for her or thoughts whatsoever. Can that be possible?


BW 37 yrs old
WH 42 yrs old
Married 15 years
4 kids
D-Day 1/6/10

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jan 2010
Rise And Shine
♀ Member
Member # 27513
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, April 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For BSs: how many of you have ever been tempted to cheat (before you knew of your spouse's affair)? If you were, what stopped you? Was it the respect & love for your spouse, refusal to violate your own personal code of morals, or something else?

About 7 years ago, I had a short term assignment lasting about 2 weeks with a man outside of my business. We spent every day together looking for particular antique furniture.

We got along with one another instantly and I enjoyed the time we spent together. One day towards the end of the assignment, He was standing very close to me as we looked at an old chair. I remember that I liked his closeness. I remember feeling that I wanted him to stand even closer. I also remember the feeling of panic that came over me!

The situation was ripe for an affair. We never talked about our problems. There were never any sexual innuendos. It was just quiet and easy and it felt good to me and I could sense the feeling was mutual.

I left at the end of that meeting, quit my job, and blocked any calls from this person. I made myself fall off the face of the earth as far as he was concerned and without any explanation.

Why?

I knew an A would hurt my H but at that time I honestly had no idea the scope of the pain it would have caused him. So that's not why I didn't have an A.

I didn't have an A because I knew myself all to well. It would have been an EA/PA and I was afraid that I wouldn't have been able to continue loving my H...and I loved my H.

We also have 4 children together and my sense of responsibility towards them has always been far greater than my own needs. I wasn't about to do anything that would break their home and lives the way they know it.

It wasn't easy walking away from the "feeling". It sent me into a bit of a depression for awhile. It wasn't the man I missed because truth be told, I didn't know him. It was feeling that feeling once again after so many years of coming to terms with the fact that the "feeling" evolves into a deeper married love.

7 years later, I find out that my H had an A. Now I know how deep the pain would have been for him had I acted on my feelings all those years ago.

Today, I wear my fidelity badge with honor. It takes a lot of strength to do the right thing and I'm proud that I have what it takes.

I'm just a little pissed that for years to come I have to wait and see if WH now has what it takes also.


April 25, 2009

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