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User Topic: WS Questions for BS's
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Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, May 4th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why do we keep it secret?

I just thought of something on that particular topic. I kept it secret because I knew the acquaintance's wife. I was certain that she would think it was somehow my fault. So I was hard on him, distanced myself, and thought that would do it. In retrospect I would have told her, even if it resulted in her thinking that. But at that time....I hadn't walked in the shoes of a betrayed person. Because when I really think about it now....He was betraying her. Even though I exercised my own boundaries, I could have/should have clued her in to the lack of his.
While I was flattered I still knew what he was doing was wrong and I didn't want to be associated in any way shape or form, with it. I just wanted to "get away", and take my ego boost with me maybe???? Not sure. I am not sure if feeling flattered is wrong, in and of itself, but certainly not outing his intentions was. Now I can say I don't feel like it was flattering...I did at the time....Now I think even the act of him hitting on me is disgusting.

BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one

Posts: 2360 | Registered: Jan 2010
Rise And Shine
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Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, May 4th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Baxter, I never told my H about my brief attraction to another man. At the time I thought it would serve no purpose but just hurt him.

Today I feel different. I believe that any recurring feelings of attraction (and I mean anything more than once!)needs to be exposed instantly. I think it's an important step to preventing A's from happening.

April 25, 2009

Posts: 3263 | Registered: Feb 2010
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Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, May 4th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i don't think there is anything wrong with flattery as long as you don't let it get to your head. i think you should accept flattery but not let it define or drive you.

D-day #1 - April 29, 2009

Beauty is a calling...a call "to transfigure what has harden or was wounded within you"
-- John O'Donohue

Posts: 5424 | Registered: Apr 2009
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Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, May 4th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After Dday and after H came back home from our separation, a guy that I'd gone out with once (while we were separated) emailed me... just to see how I was doing.

H was still in the fog at that time and yes, it was VERY tempting to email this guy back and start chatting. I knew he really liked me and that was why we'd only gone out for lunch the one time. I was too messed up during my separation to think I was even close to dating anyone.

Anyway, yes, I did immediately tell H about the email and even about the temptation to email him back. I knew H would respond in an angry way and I wanted to make sure that I had that extra emotional ammunition to keep myself from reasoning that it was okay to keep in contact with this guy.

Before the A, when people would hit on me, I shut them down pretty quickly and always told my H about it... normally, I was complaining about it to him. I just didn't really see myself with anyone else; I only wanted my H's attention.

Now, mostly, I think I just wouldn't want to be involved with anyone else, if R doesn't work out. Too many married men hit on me when I was separated for me to feel comfortable being vulnerable with anyone.

"I personally believe "the one" - that special partner, the soul mate, that person that becomes intoxicated by love for us -
Well shoot, I think that the one that needs to feel that way is us, for ourselves."
wisdom from Healing Tree

Posts: 712 | Registered: Jun 2009
crushed again
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Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, May 4th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


WH and I used to tell eachother EVERYTHING. Hence, time goes by, we get older, and sometimes I felt the flattery from somebody else didn't always have to be shared. It was a nice thought I'd pull out on a bad day.But never once considered acting on it.
Also WH has always been the jealous type, so I figured why upset him w/something as trivial as a compliment. He would always step right in when he saw me getting some attention. Like a child he would always make sure I knew when someone else found him attractive. Like w/OW #1. He would come home from work and everything was Brenda says I have a nice butt, Brenda says I look good for my age, blah, blah, blah.
Now w/OW#2 he was very tight lipped. I think that's because A#1 was only an EA and very short lived. With A#2 I got ALL the typical talk- ILUBNILWY, rewriting of marital history and so on. Also I was always getting accused of cheating. So, I never kept secrets about "outside" attention but WH certainly did! Also he's not interested in everything about my life like he used to be.
Hope that answers your question. Sorry for the ramble.

And sometimes I think we keep stuff like "outside attention" a secret so as not to hurt our spouse...

"Don't you worry your pretty little mind because people throw rocks at things that shine!"
~I guess living in limbo is my "new normal"- stinks!~

Posts: 713 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Dreaming of a far better place!
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Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, May 4th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Baxters - I know that you've probably had your question answered, maybe not, but I felt I needed to chime in here. Not sure how long this is going to be.
Before, my husband's A, neither of us would have EVER thought we would do such a thing. However, he did have an A. I knew he was depressed, felt "less than a man", etc. He was always complaining about being broke, worked 2 jobs to take care of his family and it just was never enough. He was making good money before the economy took a turn for the worse. (Just a little background). Anyway, after this happened (the A), it literally scared the HELL out of me. If there was ever ANYTHING that I felt TOTALLY safe with, it was the fact that my H would NEVER stray. . .NO MATTER WHAT! But he did!
I immediately thought to myself, "If this could happen to him (if he could do this), then so could I!"
What scares me is everyone on here saying that they would NEVER. Well, maybe NOW, after we've been through this HELL first-hand. Yes! I could almost bet on my children's life, that I would NEVER go there. I feel the same about my FWH now, too. But before, our radar's weren't up. WE might like to think that they were, but they obviously were not. I think that is very dangerous to say that this would NEVER happen or we would NEVER do something. I think that saying these things and thinking these thoughts actually made us more vulnerable, allowed us not to keep our guard up, because we "thought" we were ABOVE it. Not so! This is my belief. I don't care who you are, the Devil knows your weaknesses and he will play on them. And if you aren't careful, he will win. We "thought" we were careful. But we were obviously lying to ourselves, or we weren't careful enough. The emotionally weak are vulnerable. Each of us has been in that state at some point. Perhaps if there were a perfect storm at that time, I can't say that any of us would have been above it. Be careful, if you think you are.

***I'm not trying to rowl anyone up. I just wanted to give some food for thought for ALL of us.

DDay(s): 12.20.09 & 2.23.10
Trickled Truth
Me: BS 42
Him: WS 48
Grieving the fact that we're "Just another statistic" and we can't get a "Do Over"
Married: 20 years
Children 3: 16, 15 & 11

Posts: 262 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Texas
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Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, May 4th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sort of in the camp of icbtih8 in wondering if my BW and I would have been more open or recognized those times when our ego's were stroked by some source outside of our M, if we would have talked about things more, would I have been less likely to have an EA?


My FWS and I did bring it up when we felt someone else was flirting with the other. He usually said something because he was jealous and got angry. I usually let him know that it seemed to be going to his head and reminded him that he should have boundaries. I was always a little irritated by other men flirting with me when it was so obvious by the ring on my finger that I was married. He on the other hand, seemed to get an ego stroke from it.

As for after my FWH's A, I mentioned earlier that a friend of mine let me know he had feelings for me. I was tempted because I needed validation after my FWH showed me with his affair that he didn't care about my feelings. But, I am happy I didn't follow through and I ended all contact with that person.

I'm not trying to be mean, but I do feel that most people that have affairs have less boundaries and low self esteem. They seem to think in more selfish terms then those that don't have affairs. I think you will find that most people that choose not to have an A, have more confidence and set better boundaries. Also, they seem to take the time to consider others feelings before proceeding.

[This message edited by nothereorthere at 9:36 PM, May 4th (Tuesday)]

Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
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Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, May 6th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

new WS here, 2 weeks post Dday, and I would like to know how I can help reinforce in his mind that it was NOT HIS FAULT! because until I joined this site yesterday I was in denial, and I tried to blame him. I feel awful I've told him I take 100% responsability and apologized for trying to blame him. Is there anything else I can do to help restore my beautiful husbands confidence in himself? It was low to begin with, but he is an amazing man (which makes me feel even worse that I did what I did) My A was linked to SA & ED issues. It was not emotional in any way, he knows this.

Let me tell you about him, he's 6'6" (I'm 5'9" so to find someone taller than me was so grat!) We will have been marries 3 years in July. This man is my hero and I've told him so, he inspired me to get off drugs and clean up my life! He's rescued me more than a few times, and I look up to him. He is my rock. How can I help him to see that?

Dday 4/21/2010
Me: WS 25
Him: BS 30

Posts: 266 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Dallas, TX
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Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, May 6th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It will take a lot of time.

That might give you some insight into some of his pain. I suggest reading as much of the Healing Library as you can in the upper left there. Start with the BS stuff so you can understand to the best of ability why he reacts the way he does and the WS stuff to see what you can do to help him.

Edit: This is a wonderful post to read in the WS forums.

[This message edited by AttemptStrength at 11:39 AM, May 6th (Thursday)]

BS me
WS him x2 A's
1 autistic DS

I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.

Posts: 1991 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Wisconsin
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Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, May 6th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not just Friends is a great place to start. It will explain perfectly what he is feeling. Have him read it with you. Also, get both of you into IC.

BS Me:30
WS Him: 40
2 healthy, active boys.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just praying to a God that I don't believe in
'cause I got time while she got freedom
'cause when a heart breaks no it don't break ev

Posts: 75 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Kentucky
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Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, May 16th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question for BSs: is "I don't remember" ever a valid statement?

Something AttemptStrength just asked in the BS Questions for WS thread got me thinking. Now, my STBX/BH is not interested in R and so does not care to ask questions. But if he did, and he asked me how many times I had sex with the OM/ex, for example, or how many times we saw each other over the course of the 5.5 months, I would honestly not know the exact number. I could give a close estimate, but there would be no way I could give an unequivocal "X number of times."

Is it possible for a BS to accept "I don't know" or "I don't remember" in a case like that?

Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce

Posts: 1912 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
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Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, May 16th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Doll I think a time line with what you think would be good. I don't know I don't remember is a slap in the face..
Hugs doll..

There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3133 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
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Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, May 16th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With my WS this seems to be a common sense type of thing. For me there is a huge chasm of difference between asking for a specific number and asking a more general question. I'm not asking him to define Pi. I just want him to talk to me and go through with me whatever thought process he may be having about remembering or why he can't.

I simply want to be let into the boy's club and have him trust me enough to share what's really going on. There are reasons for not remembering or why something may seem insignificant. Fine, explain it to me. Take me by the hand and show me through it. That kind of honesty is intimate and loving. The best thing is to be loved for all faults, flaws, and wrong headed thinking. Just share it, go off on a tangent to explain difficulty in remembering or why you didn't think something was important. You give the person value, worth, and respect by treating their questions and concerns the same way.

I'm not trying to crucify him in asking questions; I just really and honestly don't get it. Hell, we agreed and I fully expected him just to tell me if he didn't want to be with me. I would rather have been told the truth and had him leave than to lie and stay.

October 2008

through herculean Kafkaesque temerity...

Posts: 229 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Hmm... which circle of hell is this?
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Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, May 16th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK - I need a WS to translate because I don't understand what WH means. So
what does WH mean when he says he hopes we're still trying to work on our M
6 mos from now but then breaks NC with OW by phone? What does it mean when he asks for another chance? What does it mean when he leaves to go stay at his parents and he says "I know me, if I don't appreciate what I'm going to lose then I'll keep slipping up" but is still in phone contact with OW? He goes to IC and MC, kept saying he was sorry in the beginning, tried to be transparent. Now it seems he can't break addiction to talking to OW.
Did you find it difficult to break with AP?
Limbo is a horrible place to be...

Me - Faithful Spouse 44
Him - WS 44
Married - 20 yrs
Together - 25 years
D Day 12/30/09
EA/PA - 18 mos

"Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." But what truly matters is what *you* think." Dr. Seuss

Posts: 125 | Registered: Apr 2010
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Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, May 16th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Also it is hard to understand that what was the truth then isn't the truth now. Your not the same person now as you was then.
A good MC will you and your BH see this.

There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3133 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
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Concerned  Posted: 1:12 AM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I am to blame for all the hurt and pain that my BS is suffering...I want to be a positive influence on his healing...on the bad days is there anything from the perspective of a BS that a WS can do or say to help...even a little - so that you know that the WS is thinking of you and wishes that she could take the pain from your heart and give you back your smile?

Me (33) - WS
Him (33) - BS (Lotsa)
Together 13 years
"What the caterpillar calls the end, the rest of the world calls a butterfly" Lao Tsu
I wish for you that butterfly and I hope that I can be the flower you land on....

Posts: 86 | Registered: May 2010
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Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


The most significant thing he has done has been through the expression of his reverence for my life. Reverence is the core of compassion, respect, and choice. Reverence is regard. It is the epitome, to me, of acknowledging my importance just for being alive and being me.

IT IS NOT my importance to him or what I give him or bring to his life. When he was able to shift from seeing me as a component of his life... treating me in ways... a possession... a right to have me. Well, that didn't make me feel important. It made me feel used. I felt "So happy I can be of assistance in your soap opera to make you feel better."

Reverence on the other hand is simply holding the individual in the highest esteem... not for what they give you or how you need them or want things from them. Just them. Letting their life have value other than what you may ascribe to it. Not making their importance about how it relates to you.

It is the epitome of being able to see someone for who and what they are... and loving them even if they aren't doing a 'darn thing for you'. Reverence.

Me: BS 48 yrs.
FWH 50
D'day: 5/22/08
2 EA's, 1 PA during 5 month period of time
A Midlife Crisis gone wild
In R

Posts: 1301 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: New Jersey
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Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I am perfectly happy to accept an I cant remember if its related to something that could be forgotten... exactly how many times FWW had sex with OM 2 or 3 for instance...

but other stuff like that she had sex with OM 4... not so much..

but also things like EA with OM 5 started before or after OM 4... that sort of thing should be able to be remembered when put into context with each other... hence i think the suggestion to write down a timeline...

@ stars fading... litle girls bang on the money.... and saying to him what you just said here probably wouldnt hurt. Id just caution you though, he may well need room to grieve... to feel his anger.... dont suffocate him if you think he isnt coming along fast enough...

Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
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Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heartbroken, "I don't know" by itself sounds like you are hiding something. We BS want to know that you are willing to be completely truthful to us. A better response might be "I don't know but we had sex about __ times" or "we met up every _____" or even "I don't know but give me some time to recollect that detail" and then actually answer his question within a reasonable time.

D-day #1 - April 29, 2009

Beauty is a calling...a call "to transfigure what has harden or was wounded within you"
-- John O'Donohue

Posts: 5424 | Registered: Apr 2009
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Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think as a BS we kind of have to accept the IDK's. I think sometimes they are still in the fog, so the answers are vague, and might continue to be.
Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on if your glass is half empty/half full!!) I know of all their encounters because she lives 900 miles away and she came and stayed at our house. There were a dozen or so encounters that he could recall, and I guess the rest I could live the rest of my life and not care, because the bottom line is whether it's once or 200 times, they still had the A, and knowing an exact number is not going to change that fact.
I'm sorry that you could not reconcile.

Him - WH - 45
Me - BS - 44
OW - my niece - 38
Married 24 years
2 kids (boys) 13, 21
Reconciling 7 years

What doesn't kill you will make you stronger.

Posts: 1280 | Registered: Jul 2004 | From: Illinois
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