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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: WS Questions for BS's
manAscending
♂ Member
Member # 26919
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, October 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, icbtih8. Your perspective makes sense to me.

Posts: 1648 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Ontario
itsallgone
♀ Member
Member # 32197
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, May 20th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I REALLY need some help from WS's who have experienced "THE FOG". I found out about my husbands affair 4 weeks ago today and he disappeared for 4 days... since his return he has been a complete stranger to me...even looking in his eyes there is no recognition of the man that was my husband. He is cold, harsh, no compassioin for what I am feeling or going through, he has had moments of being agressive and angry. There is NO love in his eyes. My husband was loving and affectionate, complemetary and connected. Its like living with his evil twin. The weirdest thing is when he is holding the baby he is loving and affectionate and silly with her... but he will still act hateful to me even when he is holding her. I dont understand anything anymore but this complete personality change is baffling to me. He insists on a divorce and has not waivered from that at all. I had my husband one day...and my world fell apart the next.


Me BW: 37
Him: WS 37
Baby Girl 9 months old
Amazing Step Kids: G/10, B/8
DDay: 4/15
DIVORCING...and he is signing away all rights on our baby so he wont have to pay support. I'll have peace of mind that I never have to turn her over to the

Posts: 89 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Georgia
itsallgone
♀ Member
Member # 32197
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, May 20th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sorry... need to find the BS's questions for WS's link... disreguard above post.


Me BW: 37
Him: WS 37
Baby Girl 9 months old
Amazing Step Kids: G/10, B/8
DDay: 4/15
DIVORCING...and he is signing away all rights on our baby so he wont have to pay support. I'll have peace of mind that I never have to turn her over to the

Posts: 89 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Georgia
lost kiki
♀ Member
Member # 29769
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, May 20th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK not sure if this question was asked.. But my question is about Lying..

How can you Lie in the face of your loved one so often??

Are you even aware of the lies after awhile??

Did you also Lie to the AP??


Me=BS

DDAY I (Married Whore) 8/8/2010
TT 8/28/2010
DDAY II (23yo) 9/23/2012
TT 9/26/2012


NC 9/3/2010 After she and I spoke for 2 hrs..GRRRRRR!!!!
NC with #2 9/24/12
Struggling thru with my Head Held High..
I'm moving slow but I a


Posts: 154 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Illinois
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, May 20th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you know if your WS is working on healing? How are they really different than before the A? When it comes down to it, what are the indicators you see that your spouse is healing themselves in such a way that you trust them enough to not cheat again?


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
poopylala
♀ Member
Member # 30119
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, May 23rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BaxtersBFF, I saw a huge change in wbf which allowed me to see he was working on himself- he agreed to CC when he previously flat out disagreed to go because it "meant we had failed" and he applied what we learned in CC to our real life problems. That was my biggest factor in believing he truly was changing. Seeing this was how I felt he was healing-he was changing previous behaviors that hurt both of us to proactive behaviors that focused on us. Also he was open to talking more and receptive to my questions which, during his A and his fog he wasn't receptive to them, so the fact that he was open to talking (he is a quieter introvert so his openness to talk was huge for me). I saw enough changes after DDay that when looked at altogether made me feel safe enough to begin to trust him.


BGF (me)- 24
FWBF (him)- 24
in a LTR

forgiven and in R :)

"To err is human.
To forgive,
divine"


Posts: 956 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Houston, TX
mostlymine
♀ Member
Member # 31511
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, May 23rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@baxterbff- we are only 7 weeks out. My WH still says he can't promise me he won't cheat again because he is still figuring everything out. I'm encouraged and able to believe it won't happen again because before the A he hardly shared his thoughts and feelings. Now he tells me (I still have to ask what he's thinking). He is more open and honest. He was non confrontational and now he tells me what bothers him. I know if something like communication or interest from a woman happens he will tell me and we can deal with it together. Hope it helps

[This message edited by mostlymine at 11:03 PM, May 23rd (Monday)]


BS- me (30ish)
See profile for details
Getting divorced... Wh is addicted to MOW
I edit because of typos...auto corrects stinks!

Posts: 830 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 6:16 AM, May 25th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the replies.

We talked a lot last year. It seems like beginning last summer the talking has been on the back burner due to life. We do talk now, but not like before, and not near as frequently.

So, without that component, that active part of healing, it almost feels like I'm not working on anything anymore. My opinion is that the transparency, honesty, NC and answering questions is the low-hanging fruit. It isn't hard to maintain that. I don't even think about it. The challenge now is finding ways to stay connected, to not go back to the inactive ways of our M that were present pre-A.

In short, I feel like I need to be doing something more.

When talking, not avoiding, and boundaries are in place and have become second nature, how do you maintain that closeness? I always feel like I need to be doing something and right now it doesn't feel like I am doing anything.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, May 25th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! Well Baxter, for starters, I think it is awesome that you are asking that question! My FWH will ask that once in a blue moon, but as you said, "life" has kind of gotten in the way of our reconnecting also.

Ask yourself, what can I do for my wife today that will put a smile on her face? What can I do that will remind her that I'm thinking of her and how much she means to me?

Ideas...

Hide a love note in her purse.

Give her a pedicure...yep gather up a basin of warm salty soapy water, soak her feet, scrub with a pumice stone, oil her cuticles, push back with an orange stick, and paint her toenails! If you feel like you don't know what you are doing, that's okay, she will love you for trying, and she'll get soft feet out of it! My H and I do this for each other occasionally.

Wash her car, or have it washed, and leave a rose on the front seat.

Chose a book that you both want to read, buy 2 copies, and read it together, meet in a coffee shop once a week after work, and discuss the book.

Tell her something about yourself that you have never ever shared with anyone before.

Go to the fragrance counter at the Dept store and bring home samples of perfumes that she might like to try out

Plan a weekend getaway, pick her up from work, and surprise her with it...

Do something with her that she likes to do, but you have never cared for doing...she will love you for it, and you might just find out that you enjoy it too!


me BS female 55/him WS 58
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 6763 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
Mandmr1
♂ Member
Member # 31412
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, May 26th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a BS and all of my post have been in JFO. I would like some input on the feelings you get and how often do you think about the AP? I would like my WS to be open and honest but she just will not do it. I finally saw the AP and I know for a fact that their LTA was pretty heavy and that there is NO WAY humanly possible for my WS to NOT think about the AP. It's only been 31/2 months since DDAY and the AP is DEFIANTLY in the bedroom as well as in MY mind all the time. Some insight is greatly appreciated.


I'm 54 (BH)
My wife 55 (WW)
Married 22 years now
Together 24 years barely
D DAY February 9th 2011
Wedding Anniversary February 14th
Daughter 21

Posts: 214 | Registered: Mar 2011
betrayedmomof3
♀ Member
Member # 32093
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, May 27th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly, I feel that the fact that you spend your time throwing 2x4s at WS and answering questions for BS is so admirable. You are not forgetting. You are actively staying the course. This is obvious. But the things pain suggested are nice too.


Together 12 yrs, married 6
Dday from Hell 2/6/11
3 kids under 5
I would do anything to have my family in one piece but I know its shattered...

Posts: 108 | Registered: May 2011 | From: betrayedmomof3
horseluvr
♀ Member
Member # 30097
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, July 17th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oops wrong place sorry

[This message edited by horseluvr at 3:46 PM, July 18th (Monday)]


BS me WS him...3 great kids
DD 10-09 OW younger but doesnt look it,face looks like a dried up cow pie..note to c**tface:sunscreen

Posts: 2015 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: central calif
DeeplyRemorseful
♀ Member
Member # 32796
Frustrated  Posted: 7:44 AM, July 17th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, here goes nothing. My question is related to hear those special three words, I Love You, that are missed desperately from my H/BS. I realize I have no control as to when or if I will ever hear my H say I love you and I know this has to come from him on his time, more specifically if he ever feels it again. I am wondering if he will ever say them again to me. I have spoken briefly about this to H and he doesn't come out and specifically say "I Love you" he says, he had never stopped loving me before my A's. I just wonder if he still does deep down. I believe I have seen his love through his actions, have yet to hear. I have been asked to "hang in there", what does this mean? Thank you, any thoughts from BS will help.


DD 10/09
WS 40/ME
BS 45/HIM
No children
Married gtb 11 years
Been together gtb 20 years
Greatful every moment of every day my husband is here, we're together as a unit giving reconciling our best. Giving my husband the best of
me for as l

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: DeeplyRemorseful
icbtih8
♀ Member
Member # 23797
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, July 17th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DR, did your BH say "I love you" often before the A?

If so, you will hear those words sooner or later.

If not, then it may be more difficult for him to say now. If words of affirmation one of your love languages then this may be something you want to work through in MC.


D-day #1 - April 29, 2009

Beauty is a calling...a call "to transfigure what has harden or was wounded within you"
-- John O'Donohue


Posts: 5424 | Registered: Apr 2009
mostlymine
♀ Member
Member # 31511
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, July 17th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@deeplyremorseful- in the healing library for the 180 it even says not to say I love you during the 180 because the WS isn't being lovable. Once my WS was out of the fog it was still hard to say ILY. Those words make me feel vulnerable sometimes. Just like people on the forum say about does WS's actions say what does his actions say? Even if he isn't saying the words what is he doing? Continue to say you are sorry, show him your remorse, and keep telling him how much he means to you. Once he feels safe again the words will come. If his actions are not loving.... Still do the things I stated above it might help him. Good luck and keep me updated!

[This message edited by mostlymine at 9:13 AM, July 18th (Monday)]


BS- me (30ish)
See profile for details
Getting divorced... Wh is addicted to MOW
I edit because of typos...auto corrects stinks!

Posts: 830 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
kdny
♀ Member
Member # 760
Red  Posted: 4:43 PM, July 17th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some of you are putting questions for the WS in this thread.

This is the thread where the WS can ask questions of the BS.

For questions you want a WS to answer please use the BS Questions for WS thread.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=380200

[This message edited by kdny at 4:44 PM, July 17th (Sunday)]


Whether we remain ash or become phoenix is up to us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes the fine line between a nervous breakdown and knowing things will be okay is a pair of furry pants~unfound

Posts: 81335 | Registered: Dec 2002 | From: Slightly left of center, standing on my head
DeeplyRemorseful
♀ Member
Member # 32796
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, July 18th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mostlymine: ty for responding. I must add, before my A's he would tell me he loved me a couple of times on his own. As my profile reads, we've known each other almost 20 yrs, been married almost 11. H has told me he loved me before the A's, not a lot ( I'm not ungrateful when I say, not a lot). Thought I would make that clear. I said ILY more often, he would respond just about every time, he loved me also. For the must part, I felt as though I was the one saying it most. Some occasions, I would not get a response when I said it. Or I would get a response like, ok. He has expressed to me that his parents didn't react with each other in this way. He just wasn't brought up with saying it or hearing it expressed from family. That's just the way he felt. I accepted this. I on the other hand, heard and said those words often. This was my childhood. I also realize if its said too often, these words can appear disingenuous. Understandable. However, I am not being disingenuous when I say ILY to my husband. Just thought I would provide a little background. We spoke of this last evening. He understand my view of longing to hear ILY. I also understand why he stopped saying them, due to my A's. Before the A's he says he has never stopped loving me. So to update you. I understand he is in limbo and working things out on his own, while I assist and answer all???. He has asked me to"hang in there" to allow time. What does this mean in your thoughts? I believe I know. He will resume with expressing " I love you", when he is ready. I completely understand his thoughts. Please respond with your thoughts on this. Your thoughts are appreciated.

[This message edited by DeeplyRemorseful at 12:53 PM, July 18th (Monday)]


DD 10/09
WS 40/ME
BS 45/HIM
No children
Married gtb 11 years
Been together gtb 20 years
Greatful every moment of every day my husband is here, we're together as a unit giving reconciling our best. Giving my husband the best of
me for as l

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: DeeplyRemorseful
DeeplyRemorseful
♀ Member
Member # 32796
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, July 18th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by DeeplyRemorseful at 5:57 PM, July 18th (Monday)]


DD 10/09
WS 40/ME
BS 45/HIM
No children
Married gtb 11 years
Been together gtb 20 years
Greatful every moment of every day my husband is here, we're together as a unit giving reconciling our best. Giving my husband the best of
me for as l

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: DeeplyRemorseful
DeeplyRemorseful
♀ Member
Member # 32796
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, July 18th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to make sure, I am in no way pushing him. I was simply inquiring, if he thought he might tell me on his own ever again. I don't deserve to hear those words until he is ready. Ty again


DD 10/09
WS 40/ME
BS 45/HIM
No children
Married gtb 11 years
Been together gtb 20 years
Greatful every moment of every day my husband is here, we're together as a unit giving reconciling our best. Giving my husband the best of
me for as l

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: DeeplyRemorseful
mostlymine
♀ Member
Member # 31511
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, July 18th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@deeplyremorseful- I completely understand! My husband comes from a family that NEVER says they love each other or express their feelings. My family says we love each other almost every day and we hug a lot.

WH has a hard time saying ILY also. I expect him to say it when he is leaving for work, going, to bed, and when we get off the phone. (I say it when we get off the phone because if that is the last conversation we ever have I want to make sure I told that person that IL them.... No regrets). I get my feelings hurt when he doesn't. I have discussed this in our MC. I should not expect him to say it all the time. He also doesn't say things he doesn't mean (since A ended he has been completely honest). He also tells me he loves me in other ways.

FYI both of our love languages are touch, quality time, and words affirmation.

When he is mostly asleep or even in his sleep he reaches out to touch me. He buys me expensive gifts. I'm not high maintenance. I don't need expensive gifts... He just likes to make me happy and money was scarce when he was a child so he values it a lot now.

BACKGROUND: As for me I watched my wh have an EA in front of my face. I told him my issues with it. He continued it and ended up having a PA with his MOW co-worker. After our final d day it was hard for me to say ILY because I put myself out there to be vulnerable and dealt with TT and hearing how he luuvvved her

Saying the words are harder because it makes me feel like I'm putting myself out there, risking the pain again. As I get over the pain it makes it easier to say the words.

So to get back on topic.....yes he is saying when he is ready, comfortable, and safe with you the words will return. He just needs time to work thru all his emotions.

ETA: sorry I realized I rambled a bit. What I was trying to say that WH shows his feelings for me thru other ways than words. I will probably not hear ILY as often as I want to hear it but I need to start looking for it in others ways... The gifts and the touching. the same could be for your husband.

[This message edited by mostlymine at 1:43 PM, July 18th (Monday)]


BS- me (30ish)
See profile for details
Getting divorced... Wh is addicted to MOW
I edit because of typos...auto corrects stinks!

Posts: 830 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
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