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User Topic: WS Questions for BS's
♀ Member
Member # 35295
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, May 10th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question for WH.

After D-day we went through HB. Of course that was good.

It seems now though, that WH has a hard time keeping an erection and sometimes doesn't even climax. I have told him this makes me feel like I am not desirable. (his AP was a stripper 15 years younger than me).
I know I am beautiful, but that doesn't mean "he" thinks I am. He says it's because he isn't using porn anymore. I don't get that. I would think the less sexual activity would heighten the experience when it does happen.

Anyway, did you go through this with your BS and if so, why?

(He is 39. I'm thinking a little young for erectile dysfunction.)

Read Why Your Spouses Infidelity Isn't Your Fault

Posts: 148 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Illinois
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Red  Posted: 7:06 PM, May 10th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

get-a-brain, if you're asking a question of WSes, that should go in the other ICR thread: "BS questions for WSes" This thread is for waywards to ask questions of BSes. I know it's a little confusing! Please repost your question in the other thread.

You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."

Posts: 23475 | Registered: May 2004
♂ Member
Member # 29976
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, May 10th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


BS here. I am not sure of your sitution but wanted to reply to your question.

I think it varies with a BS. INHO I don't think your BS is moving on & forgetting you.

For the longest time I had hoped my FWW would have opened up verbally and/or written letter expressing how she felt about me and that she wanted to fight for our M.

My situation is different since my FWW displayed little remorse and was not able to NC with OM; these I needed for an atempt towards R. As more time went by the less desire I had to R. until it was no longer a possibilty.

IMO I don't think it would hurt for you to let your BS know that you are very interested in working for R and see where that goes. It will be up to him if R is on the table, but without asking how will either of you truly know?

BS 49
WW 47
SPa May 3rd 2010
D-day Oct 6th 2010 WS asked for R
D-day2 Oct 17th 2010 WS breaks NC
2 Kids ages 5 & 8
Separated 11/07/2010

Posts: 135 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Midwest
♂ New Member
Member # 33905
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, May 11th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Threw it away
As a BS would has moved on I would say it would be late for your situation to happen with me but I would also not be upset if you tried. I know where I am in my life and if this were presented to me I would probably say thank you but it is to late. However it would also give me a better appreciation for her. She has never been remorseful, never even said she was sorry, and never tried. She just said I deserve better and then shortly after started blaming me for everything to shift the blame from herself. My situation may be much different then yours and if I had seen remorse and the desire to truely try I would have stayed. As a BS I would say try. He may reject you and may not believe you but he may also realize you mean it and then the door will open. As I said before, if you truely mean it then do it, if you have any questions about your ability to be devoted entirely then leave it alone. Good luck.

Me - 45 and moving on
Her - 40 and still doing what she does best
SS - 15 and struggling with her actions but making progress being with me

Posts: 13 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: PA
threw it away
♀ Member
Member # 34727
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, May 11th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the replies.

I have given this so much thought and decided that I will not be asking him, not now.

I so much want to be a new, changed person, today in this minute, because I know that time is running out. But I also know that any real changes will take a great deal more time; it has only been a few months. I know that I would never have another affair. But there are still too many things I do not know about myself and thus could not explain to him. I can only wait and hope that he is still there -- when I finally can say for certain what motivated me to do these things, and how I was able to such a blind eye to the pain I would cause. As with many other things, I am not there yet.

me: ww/34
him: 33, has initiated divorce
married 8 years, together for ten
kids 7 and 4

dday 1 - 12/17/2011
dday 2 - 1/26/2012 (my past multiple affairs revealed)

Posts: 112 | Registered: Feb 2012
♀ Member
Member # 35497
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, June 3rd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Your DDay is still so recent that your WH is really still reeling from one extreme to the other.

My DDay was 8 months ago, and I still feel this way. I can tell you that in my situation, my WH came out of the fog immediately and was completely sure that he wanted our M at a time when I had no F-ing idea if I ever wanted to even look at him again.

During his LTEA, he withdrew from me emotionally and physically. He detached completely for several years and was angry and verbally abusive during that time. After DDay, he wanted to reestablish the emotional and physical bonds way too quickly for me. He expresses intimacy in physical ways: hugging, kissing, touching, and, yes, sex. To have him suddenly making these physical gestures when he had withheld them for such a long time made me feel many conflicting emotions. I felt insulted and taken for granted (so you think you can just withhold any intimacy for years, have an A, and then suddenly, when you want it, I'm just supposed to go along and be happy about it?). I also felt that there was no F-ing way that ANY of that was going to be on his terms at that point. I made it clear to him that I would decide if and when that was okay with me or not.

I don't know what your relationship was like during your A, but your H may be feeling some of that. Like: Oh sure, NOW you want to be with me. He's also processing the fact that he may feel that you chose someone else over him and that he's not sure if he wants to let you back in or not. There are just so many hugely conflicting feelings for him to process.

I can tell you that my WH and I are in R and he is trying desperately hard ALL the time, but I still don't know for sure that it will be enough after the A. Because, unfortunately, the A happened, and it colors everything from now on for the BS.

It's still early for you, I hope that you can just be patient and let your BS sort things out for awhile. You might ask him what he needs from you and how he would most prefer that you express your feelings of love and remorse to him. Maybe all the physical stuff isn't how he most prefers to receive love from you right now. Communicating about it without being defensive or hurt or personally rejected would probably be the best course. Make it about him and how you can most help him.

It might be good to ask him if he prefers that you not approach him in that way right now or if he wants you to keep trying even though he can't reciprocate.

Above all, make it clear to him that you will do WHATEVER he needs and that you're willing to wait and help him in any way you can. He might not know exactly what he needs or what will help, and he might want you to keep up with the physical gestures even though he doesn't want to respond because he's so angry. But he's still there, and communication is really the only road.

Good luck to you on this difficult path. I can tell that you really want to help make this right. I'm pulling for you and your H.

Him WS
LTEA with old HS GF from 25+ years ago
DD #1: 10/6/2011
DD #2: 10/21/2011
2DS under18
Status: We'll see.

Posts: 262 | Registered: May 2012
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