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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners Of Sex Addicts
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a copy of the Mending Shattered Hearts if anyone wants it just let me know. I just ask that you pass it on to someone else here when you are done reading it.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008
Mourning123
♀ Member
Member # 19951
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Peridot,

Is this a book I should read at 7 weeks out from D-Day? I've read "Healing the Sexual Wounds..." by Dr. Mark Laaser and am half way through with Fals Intimacy by Shaumberg. I would be interested. PM me with more info...


Posts: 372 | Registered: Jun 2008
sweeetlykewhoa
♀ New Member
Member # 20421
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I always knew my H had a problem. Even though I never had proof he cheated on me I always felt something was wrong. He was very good at lying and denying. A couple of weeks ago he came to me and told me of this problem and many ons he's had since we've met and after we married. He is currently staying at his mothers house. The more I read about this addiction the more I get sick and feel like I don't want him back. I'm at a point right now where it's hard for me to believe this is an actual addiction. It just seems like you should know what's right and what's wrong. Can anyone help me?

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jul 2008
newdaysahead
♀ Member
Member # 10467
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is an addiction. There are changes in the brain with any addiction. There are ‘feel good’ chemicals that the brain releases during the acting out that make the addict go back for more and more.

Unless there are other mental health issues involved, I am sure your husband knows right from wrong. It is the addiction that keeps them going back to it. You have found a great place in this thread. I would think everyone here knows what you are feeling right now.

At this time, it is so important for you to take care of yourself. The emotions that come with dealing with SA can and will wear you out. It is probably is not a great time to make drastic decisions because they will be based on the emotions you are currently feeling.

Come here and ask questions. Ask for support.

[This message edited by newdaysahead at 10:04 AM, August 1st (Friday)]


Me BS 39
Him WS 40, SLA,LTA and many other PAs and EAs
M 20 years, now separated



Posts: 396 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: SE PA
sweeetlykewhoa
♀ New Member
Member # 20421
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your comment. Everyone keeps saying don't make a decision now but what I'm wondering is when is it that you should make the final decision. I haven't seen him or talked to him other than through text messages for over 2 weeks. I really think I might throw up if I see him. All these different emotions are so overwhelming!!! I start IC on the 9th. I worry that I'm never going to get through this. My poor children are so sad. My 5 yr old little boy is so sad. When he talks to him to tell him goodnight he just sobs. You can hear the pain in his voice. It breaks my heart. Nobody that sweet and innocent should have to go through something like this.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jul 2008
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sweeetlykewhoa
Your husband is in treatment with a CSAT right?

Read my profile. There is hope if he can get sober and work his recovery. Everyone is correct that you shouldn't decide anything final right now.

What are you doing for you? Are in IC? You should be. He has to work his recovery but you have a "recovery" of your own to work on.

Read "Mending A Shattered Heart" by Stefanie Carnes.

7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
2bewildered
♀ Member
Member # 20305
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sweetly,
I am just starting this journey in dealing with SA.
The two things that have helped me is to realize that this is an addiction, just like my WSO is an adrenaline junkie who likes to sky dive, he is addicted to the rush of his activities. It actually removes any feeling of self doubt and blame from me. This is not something that he did because I was inadequate, but because he is addicted.

The other thing is realizing I don't have to make ANY decisions at this point. We have started talking about reconciling, and to me that means time where we just see how it goes and I don't have to commit to us spending the rest of our life together, or even living together again. I'm going with the typical addicts "one day at a a time" I am going to commit to seeing how today goes for us. And that is all for now. When I make a final decision could be a week from now or months. I'll make it when he makes me feel safe again. (or unsafe but I am going to focus on the positive right now)Talking and seeing each other does not ahve to mean a decision has been made.

[This message edited by 2bewildered at 11:21 AM, August 1st (Friday)]


Doing a decent job of moving on.

Posts: 1365 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Florida
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sweeetlykewhoa,

I am so sorry about what happened and please know that you have a friend in all of us.

From my experience as a newbie in this, you must first look after yourself. Please see your physician and get all STD tests. Also discuss the possibility of getting anti-anxiety and sleeping pills. Make sure you remember to drink fluids and eat. I ended up buying those protein shakes so around my normal meal times, I would have a shake. It's better than nothing.

Posting here and reading books will help. You will hear "Mending a Shattered Heart" a lot and I find comfort in learning that I am not alone and I am not crazy. It also gives me insight into sex addiction.

I was just reading the book last night, and it says it is totally okay to say to WS, "I am not in, and I am not out" in reference to the relationship.

You should also consider IC right away. Many companies have employee assistance programs that offer at least short-term counselling. I booked an appointment the day after my D-Day and received eight free counselling sessions. I find that even when I spoke with my best friend, she has difficulty understanding sex addiction, since it is such a taboo and not-much-researched topic. Talking to a professional will really help.

Take care of yourself. Feel all the emotions - avoiding them will not make them go away. Seek support from those you trust.

After D Day, I took me at least 2 weeks to feel human and I lost 15 lbs in 2 weeks. So please be gentle with yourself and do not force yourself to make any decision.

I am thinking of you and sending you my hugs and kisses. If you need to talk, please post or PM me. Since I am just going through it myself and am new at this, may be we can talk about our experiences. There are tons of nice and resourceful people here: 7Years is absolutely phenomenal, so are many others.


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
sweeetlykewhoa
♀ New Member
Member # 20421
Sad  Posted: 9:49 AM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for all your comments. I can't tell you how nice it is to have people who understand, to talk to. It's so hard for me to discuss this with anyone I know, mostly out of embarrassment and shame.I read an article from unicornsearcher on page 6 and it has helped me so much to see that this really is an addiction. This part especially stood out to me...
He deeply hurts his wife and children.

Because his wife isn't the always-there-for-him centerfold of his delusions he rejects her.

His wife is repeatedly fed the message that "she's not good enough", and he prefers pictures of other women to her. She dies inside as the man she committed her life to coldly rejects her. Dad's self-centered emotional abandonment tells his kids that he doesn't value them. As a result an open wound of rejection by the most important man in their life takes root. Because Dad is Weakheart his kids don't get the discipline they need to shape and build strong character. Soon his kids learn that they need to "make it on their own without Dad". Unwittingly, the sex addict has now set his own children up for the very sin that has kept him captive.

After about 2 years of marriage our sex life just took a complete nose dive. I remember feeling so horrible about myself and thinking if I was thinner it would be better. I couldn't believe so early in the marriage that would happen. It just got worse and worse and toward the end got to the point where it wasn't even worth it. He always acted disgusted. Now I understand why.


I worry if I ever do decide to work things out I'm going to end up hating and resenting myself for not being strong and also it feels like I'm saying that it's ok to do those things to me. I think I've been so stressed out on this decision thing I haven't been able to really think about myself. I love how you put it 2bewildered. After reading what you've decided to do I feel so comfortable with taking things one day at a time.

My H is in a program through lifestar network. He's had 2 sessions. After the first he told me that it looks like there is hope for him. After the second he said it's going to be a long road. I start IC on the 9th which doesn't seem soon enough but that's as soon as they could get me in.


Posts: 5 | Registered: Jul 2008
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Peridot,
Is this a book I should read at 7 weeks out from D-Day? I've read "Healing the Sexual Wounds..." by Dr. Mark Laaser and am half way through with Fals Intimacy by Shaumberg. I would be interested. PM me with more info...

Yes, this would be a good book for you to read.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Loved - He is only going to be honest when he is ready to be honest. If you are going to set a boundary on honesty, make sure the consequence is something you are ready to carry out.
I do not think it is advantageous to make empty threats. IMO, it just shows the other person that you won’t carry through with something you said you would. In addition, unless you have proof as to whether he is or isn’t telling the truth, how will you know how truthful he is?

Thanks for the response.

You're right, I can't ever know if he's really telling the truth unless maybe he took a polygraph.

Usually I try to get a good idea of what he's doing before I ask. Sad thing is that I'm starting to get a good idea of when he's lying from his body language. And I can get a good idea about how much he's been acting out by how interested or uninterested he is in me.

It's also a dead give away that he's lying when he gives reasons and excuses that don't make sense. Like Judge Judy said if it doesn't make sense it's not true. *nods*

We just got back from a vacation. We had fun. I didn't have too many triggers. I did get get a bit triggerish when he expressed interest in a female celeb (celeb porn-one of his faves). Even though it may not have been sexual, that's how I interpreted it. We went to a water park (read-girls in bikinis), and that didnt make me feel triggerish.

Oh and I suspect OH has memberships to porn sites. I know he's crazy b/c no one in their right mind would pay for that stuff nowadays. It doesn't make sense for him to do that when he has issues with his credit. I don't think he's been viewing them a lot lately (one slip up to my knowledge in the past few weeks).


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
nyi103
♀ New Member
Member # 20484
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by nyi103 at 4:44 PM, May 13th (Thursday)]


Posts: 48 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Houston, TX
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nyi103
It's hard to say without a lot more information. I'd say her behavior has a lot of red flags in it.

Educate yourself about SA. Here are the resources I most often suggest for people.

To get a good general overview of SA, check out the wiki entry on it.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_addiction
There is a lot of good information there.

If you think she is a SA, you should read, "Mending a Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts" by Stefanie Carnes (This is the absolute best book I've ever read for spouses of SA. I cannot say enough good things about this book. I would have given anything for this book to have been available when I found out 3+ years ago, because at the time, there was nothing!)

Online resources:
http://www.sexhelp.com
This is Dr Patrick Carnes' website. He is the expert on SA.

http://www.sa.org
Sexaholics Anonymous
If your wife can face her addiction and seek treatment she'll most likely be directed to a 12-Step group. This is the one I recommend for men. If you look at their site you'll also find information for yourself that may be helpful. (I personally recommend SA not SAA because SAA is too lax in their definition of healthy sexual behavior. This is my opinion.) I'm usually giving advice to wives and don't know much about female sex addicts. It's possible that SLAA (http://www.slaafws.org/) would be a better fit for her, I think more women go there.

If your wife is a SA and she wants treatment, she will need to find a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist.
Here is a resource to find CSATs in your area:
http://www.iitap.com/find_csat.cfm

You might also want to start there to find a good therapist for yourself. She has to work her recovery on her own but you'll also need counseling to recover from the trauma of being married to a sex addict.

PM me anytime,
7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
unicornsearcher
♀ Member
Member # 912
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NY, did she suffer any sexual abuse in her childhood?

Whether she is SA or not, her being sexual with other people to that extent is just not something she should be doing. She obviously has serious boundary issues whether or not SA that will need to be addressed & so the path to recovery will be similar to those that are SA in learning what a healthy sexuality is & the right boundaries that should always be in place.
Whether SA or not, she obviously believes that being a walking talking porn type object is the way to get wanted (altho highly inappropriate) attention & validate her as a woman, as well as expressing an extremely high need to be seen as that sexual to outsiders to her marriage.

She obviously has made every attempt to master sex but how is she at making love intimately? Some tantra sex exercises could help you guys with that part of it.

I suggest getting Gary Neumann's emotional infidelity book to help with the boundaries issues. That may also be a non-threatening way to help her see that her actions in being that graphic with everyone just isn't a good thing for her, you or the marriage. Also, if you have children especially girls, they are going to be more likely to think that acting that way is ok when it's not.

Hang in there!


11/02 Busted WH 4+ cheating yrs, 11/06 Busted [Month Long Lustfest]. 2/1/08 admits false version of betrayals, so no full disclosure / "whole truth" yet. '09 Together, great work in progress. '12 Still gladly united.

Posts: 14209 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Calif
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I made a huge decision today. I have been really physically ill in the last two weeks. I am taking a Master's degree and I could not get up the effort to finish a few assignments for the summer course I have been taking. I finally emailed my professor and told her that I am feeling so awful and cannot do the assignments. I just sit in front of the computer and sob. She offered to let me take an incomplete and not only extend the due date until the end of the fall semester but to extend it to the end of spring semester 2009.

I then emailed my program advisor and changed my program timeline. I am dropping the course scheduled for this fall. I will take it in the spring semester next year and then my last course in the fall of 2009.

They both know about the infidelity and my H's sex addiction. I told them both that I did not know if my physical ailments were psychological in nature or physical. All I know is that I am so ill and broken. They were both so understanding.

I really have been suffering some real PTSD this summer. I have gone back to ruminating about the A and imagining different outcomes; typical of PTSD. Whereas in the past I would have continued with my original plan of study out of fear of feeling inadequate, I know recognize the need to take care of myself first and foremost.

FWH is considering joining Recovery Nation and working on his SA through that. We have no SA groups here and although he likes our IC/MC he get disturbed by this guy's attempts to ridicule his beliefs at times. Whether FWH follows through on this or not, is up to him. I only know I have to do what I have to do. And piling on work and school stress will only serve to totally break me down.

I am proud of myself for making this decision to extend my graduation for the better thing. I could not have done this even one year ago.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
Whoknew?
♀ Member
Member # 9270
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is anyone familiar with e-mail S-Anon groups? The closet S-Anon meeting is 2 hours away, but I was told that I can join an e-mail group. I can't quite imagine how that would work.

Posts: 85 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Florida
newdaysahead
♀ Member
Member # 10467
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whoknew- I do not have experience with the S-Anon email group, but I was part of a COSA online meeting.

I joined the group and was given access to the group. Each "meeting" had a topic for discussion. Then the members who wanted to participate posted their share online. Some days there would be lots of shares posted and other days, not so much.

Kind of how SI works - someone posts a topic and others respond. In 12 step programs, you do not give advice like we have here, but share your own experience, strength and hope.


Me BS 39
Him WS 40, SLA,LTA and many other PAs and EAs
M 20 years, now separated



Posts: 396 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: SE PA
newdaysahead
♀ Member
Member # 10467
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1forward - I am proud of your decision to take care of yourself as well. For me, putting me first was a difficult undertaking.

With the PTSD - maybe you can consider EMDR. I did several sessions and it did make a difference for me.


Me BS 39
Him WS 40, SLA,LTA and many other PAs and EAs
M 20 years, now separated



Posts: 396 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: SE PA
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1forward,

That's great that you can not only recognize what you need, but develop a plan based on those needs. That's a big step. I hope you can get a handle on the PTSD.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
Whoknew?
♀ Member
Member # 9270
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

newdaysahead, thanks for the information about online group meetings. Maybe I'll give it a try.

Posts: 85 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Florida
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