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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners Of Sex Addicts
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MASH is the acronym of Mending a Shattered Heart by Stefanie Carnes (daughter of SA pioneering researcher Patrick Carnes). It's a really good book for spouses of SA -- offers up a series of essays by various people that highlight different aspects of SA and how we might deal with it.

Whoknew? There is nothing "normal" about a husband blatantly disregarding his wife's feelings. Let me correct that: There is nothing ACCEPTABLE about it (might be normal...at least on this site ). And you're smart to get clear on your boundaries and give yourself some space. He's being disrespectful and hurtful and you do NOT have to take it.
My husband blew up last night -- says he's soooo incredibly angry but doesn't know about what. Says his mind is racing, that he feels like he's going to explode... I talked with my IC about it today and she said ,' That's great news." HUH???? She says that it's actually a big step for him because his usual MO is to just numb himself to everything, then act out. She says the fact that he's actually feeling his feelings is a big step forward. She says it won't be easy for me...but that he, hopefully, will get to a place where he can place his anger where it belongs (his mother, for example). Nice to hear we're actually making progress... I was starting to feel a bit hopeless because he's in such a bad mood all the time.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((((Whoknew))))))))

OMG y'all my partner now wants to have sex everyday! I know he never had a low sex drive. I just know it.


He still does the spanking thing kind of hard. I keep telling him to be gentler.

[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 5:03 PM, August 14th (Thursday)]


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
wantshope
♀ Member
Member # 20246
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, August 15th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I set a list of boundaries last night and gave WH 24 hours to make his decision. H says that it isn't fair that I am treating him like a dog and that I have given him ultimatums. I said they aren't ultimatums but boundaries to help start protecting and committing to our marriage. There were only 10 on the list, even though my original had about 30...I told WH he had until tonight to decide. H said that it was a no at first, then came back to say he would do 7 out of the 10. Tried to negotiate for 2 hours, got to the 9 out of 10. The one thing he won't do is go to a group for sex addicts. I am at the point of you can't help those who won't help themselves.

Have any of you had to go through this? How long does it last before they come around? Do they ever? What did you do to survive?

H is in the process of finding an apartment right now. He doesn't like the thought of sleeping in his truck tonight.

[This message edited by wantshope at 10:08 AM, August 15th (Friday)]


Me- 25 BS
Him- 29 WS 2 EAs & 1 PA
Married 8 yrs
3 children
DDay #1-12/05 DDay #2-5/29/08
DDay #3-6/18/08 DDay #4-7/29/08
DDay #5-8/7/08
Status: Working hard each day towards R

"Habit will reconcile us to everything but change."


Posts: 102 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Texas
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The one thing he won't do is go to a group for sex addicts.

That should be an absolute deal breaker. The fact that you had to negotiate is ridiculous. These are YOUR boundaries, PERIOD. These are NOT negotiable! Stand your ground. He's trying to manage and ENJOY his addiction, if you let him get away with it, you are definitely enabling him and falling into that co-dependent/co-addict territory.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
wantshope
♀ Member
Member # 20246
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't allow the negotiation. He tried but I said that is the MOST important thing on that list. He said he would go and not say a word and fake it. I said this isn't what it is about. You are either choosing to commit 100% or you choose to leave. Period. End of story.

I have been enabling him for WAY too long. Those boundaries are also things that I am willing and committed to abide by. I am also going to the support group on Thursdays for Co-dependancy and troubled relationships. I have to change my behavior too. This isn't healthy!!


Me- 25 BS
Him- 29 WS 2 EAs & 1 PA
Married 8 yrs
3 children
DDay #1-12/05 DDay #2-5/29/08
DDay #3-6/18/08 DDay #4-7/29/08
DDay #5-8/7/08
Status: Working hard each day towards R

"Habit will reconcile us to everything but change."


Posts: 102 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Texas
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It took my husband about six months before he could go to a support group. During that time, he was in counselling with an SA counsellor. But the idea of going to a group (and someone seeing him) was terrifying to him.
I waited the six months, during which I knew his counsellor was telling him that the group would really help him and our marriage, then finally told him that if he didn't want to do EVERYTHING he could to control his addiction and help our marriage, then why would he expect me to stay. He went to group, which I know was really hard for him. Now he gets upset if he has to miss it for some reason -- he gets a lot out of it and really feels like he belongs. Unbelievable change in a very short period.
So while I do think a support group is key, I can acknowledge that it's not always something an addict can do right away. Sometimes they need to do it in steps...
That said, I agree that you need to have your clear boundaries and stick to them. If my husband wasn't already doing so much to deal with his addiction, I wouldn't have been quite so understanding about him not going to group...


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
wantshope
♀ Member
Member # 20246
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are in counseling with an SA counselor. He recommended my WH to go to it. My problem is I waver too much and allow him to tell me how everything should go. I give up to make him happy, thus my problems. I am at the point of if I don't stand for something, I will fall for anything. Is that wrong??


Me- 25 BS
Him- 29 WS 2 EAs & 1 PA
Married 8 yrs
3 children
DDay #1-12/05 DDay #2-5/29/08
DDay #3-6/18/08 DDay #4-7/29/08
DDay #5-8/7/08
Status: Working hard each day towards R

"Habit will reconcile us to everything but change."


Posts: 102 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Texas
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it can be easy in the wake of such betrayal to make demands and fully expect them to be met because, after all, look at what we're being asked to deal with. And, for me, one of the hardest parts in the beginning was letting go of trying to control my husband's recovery. I remember reading in one of the zillion books I read that when I'm trying to micromanage his recovery, I'm taking the focus off myself...and I'm the only one I can really control.
I think you're completely right to insist on your boundaries; however, my advice to you is to focus on your own recovery from this. Others might not agree with me, but I had to give my husband time to absorb the magnitude of his problem (he'd spent years convincing himself it wasn't really a problem!) and recognize the work involved in recovery.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
newdaysahead
♀ Member
Member # 10467
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For the last 10 weeks my H and I attended a couples program for SA. Last night was the planning/orientation meeting for the next phase of his part of the program, mine starts next Tuesday. My H was adamant that he was going, but over the last week began to question if this program was the right thing for him. In the end, he did not go.

My boundary for him was to go to the initial program and follow through with whatever their treatment recommendations were. The consequence for this boundary was that I was going to rethink my future plans. I have decided that I am going to move to another bedroom and think things through.

I clearly told him before and reiterated it yesterday, that I needed him to do anything and everything to keep control of this addiction. I also told him that I needed him to go to this program if for no other reason then for our marriage – so I could see that he would do whatever it took to make it happen. He flat out refused. He told me that the group setting was not for him and that he needed to work on things other than just this addiction. He indicated that he wanted to use our old MC for his IC going forward – IMO someone who has slightly different views on addiction recovery than the 12 step or Carnes approach.

I am very sick over this right now. We have gone around on this a few times and it has escalated into some pretty bad arguments. I take responsibility for part of the arguments because I know I was wrong for many things I said and I know they came from the old feelings of his gas lighting and broken promises in the past.

I do not think I can continue to live life like this. I feel very broken today; it might as well be another dday. I know that probably sounds a little dramatic, but it isn’t much different because I guess I trusted him a bit more than I realized. I believed him when he said he was going to continue this program and I am devastated that he is not.

[This message edited by newdaysahead at 2:01 PM, August 15th (Friday)]


Me BS 39
Him WS 40, SLA,LTA and many other PAs and EAs
M 20 years, now separated



Posts: 396 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: SE PA
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're not being dramatic at all. It is devastating when we feel as if we're doing so much for THEM and they can't do something that seems so straightforward for US.
I think you're wise to give yourself time and space to figure out your next move. Might also make him realize that you're serious about this -- that he can't dictate the terms of your marriage.
Hang in there.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
wantshope
♀ Member
Member # 20246
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's the thing...I am not making demands. I am putting boundaries in place to protect our marriage. It is for him to choose to do or not. I have serious codependancy issues. I know I need help and have already started to go to meetings. I have come to the realization that I cannot fix my WH. He has to want to help himself. I am just trying to protect myself and my children from any further abuse. The MC asked me last night how much more can you endure? After having suicidal thoughts and panick attacks...I have to be important to me. With him around to continually beat me down, I am not in a position to be healthy and work on me...let alone us. So he can choose to stay working on things or he can choose to leave. Either way, this allows me time to fix ME too.

[This message edited by wantshope at 3:00 PM, August 15th (Friday)]


Me- 25 BS
Him- 29 WS 2 EAs & 1 PA
Married 8 yrs
3 children
DDay #1-12/05 DDay #2-5/29/08
DDay #3-6/18/08 DDay #4-7/29/08
DDay #5-8/7/08
Status: Working hard each day towards R

"Habit will reconcile us to everything but change."


Posts: 102 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Texas
onceinlove
♀ Member
Member # 19874
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do any of you have WSs who have gone to rehab for their SA?

My WH's IC told him today that there's an intensive week-long program at a center in a nearby state that helps people get to the root cause of their behavior.

My WS's SA is only the latest chapter in the switching addiction whack-a-mole game. Work was no longer doing the job so he turned to sex (abetted by too much alcolhol). Who knows what will be next if he doesn't get to the root cause?

The mole will just pop up somewhere else.

Anyone?


Him: WH 48
Me:BS 48
M: 17 years
D-Day: June 17, 2008
WH confessed to 6 APs over 6 yrs, including 2 LTAs; now in SA recovery--approaching 2.5 years of sobriety
Status: R


Posts: 78 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Southeast US
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are in counseling with an SA counselor.

Together? You should both be in IC right now but mainly he needs to be in IC with a CSAT. Many claim to be "sex addiction" counselors who really don't have the right experience or credentials.

MC has it's place but not until the SA gets sober. I learned that one the hard way. We wasted a lot of money and time on MC when the focus needed to be on my FWH seeing a CSAT. As soon as we made that shift and my FWH focused on his SA, seeing a CSAT and going to group he got sober. Once he was sober we were able to go to MC and actually make progress.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, August 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MC has it's place but not until the SA gets sober. I learned that one the hard way. We wasted a lot of money and time on MC when the focus needed to be on my FWH seeing a CSAT. As soon as we made that shift and my FWH focused on his SA, seeing a CSAT and going to group he got sober. Once he was sober we were able to go to MC and actually make progress.

Lightbulb posting for me, 7yrs. Thanks. We have sporadically been in MC but although it helped in some ways, I think you hit the nail on the head here. There is no point in MC until WS is sober. The MC is the most qualified person in this small city for sex addiction counselling; he is not CSAT, but no one else is either.

So the story with me/us is this: he is clean according to him and working every day to remain that way. I don't believe him; I think he slips more often than he admits. He does nothing more other than keeping really busy to prevent using. I know that is not going to work.

So what am I doing. Right now I just don't care anymore. I feel rather numb and somewhat sad at times. I *know* I need to set boundaries. I *know* I have to have consequences for crossing boundaries. But I am just so tired. I had to take an incomplete for my summer grad course, but I can finish it up this fall. I withdrew from a course in the fall and moved my Master's degree grad date forward by one semester. I was breaking down, physically and mentally. I have been suffering from lots of PTSD from the A lately. I am beginning to see why and the pieces are starting to fall in place.

So what do I do? Well, I'm not really sure but I am seriously trying to construct some sort of a plan. Our daughter and family are coming over from Europe for Christmas, so no major changes can happen before that. But I did tell H in MC last session, that what will happen is that I will slowly start withdrawing myself from this marriage and he may not even see it happening. And then one day I will be gone. This managing of his SA will not work and I will feel the effects of that. I already do. And that is what I find myself doing; just slipping away.

I have laid out before what needs to be done. And I have done the initiating of all of it; making the IC/MC appointments, suggesting books, websites, etc. He takes no initiative. He has become like a little child, really. It's now up to him. I'm not doing it anymore. The ball is in his court.

Venting, guys. I don't really need advice, but won't shun it, of course. I know what's happening and what has to happen, but I did need to let it all out somewhere. Thanks for listening.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, August 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lightbulb posting for me, 7yrs. Thanks.

You're welcome 1F1B, I just wish I could help more.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Happy  Posted: 7:34 PM, August 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, um, I guess I have some news.

I pee'd on a stick this morning and it was positive.

We weren't trying but we weren't avoiding either. At 40 & 42 and knowing we wanted two kids even though things were rough at times we didn't see the point in birth control if our ultimate goal is to stay together and have a family. What we envisioned as a family is 2 kids. Our DD is 4 and will be 5 on my due date.

My husband's sobriety date is Aug 28. 2 years! I'm so very proud of him and glad that I chose to stay. We are doing great now and this pregnancy is what we both want. I think it's a good omen that we conceived and got a positive test result in his sobriety month.

We had a hard time conceiving our daughter and I've had one miscarriage so I'm very worried about this pregnancy sticking.

I'll have blood work on Monday and then again a couple days later to make sure my hCG levels are doubling. If they do, I'll feel much more relaxed. If not, I'll prepared for the impending miscarriage.

Please send "sticky" thoughts for our little one.
7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, August 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrs,

That's great news. I'll be praying that the baby will flourish and you'll be changing diapers in no time!


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
wantshope
♀ Member
Member # 20246
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, August 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congrats 7yrs!!!


Me- 25 BS
Him- 29 WS 2 EAs & 1 PA
Married 8 yrs
3 children
DDay #1-12/05 DDay #2-5/29/08
DDay #3-6/18/08 DDay #4-7/29/08
DDay #5-8/7/08
Status: Working hard each day towards R

"Habit will reconcile us to everything but change."


Posts: 102 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Texas
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, August 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congratulations, 7 yrs. I hope it all goes well.

Thanks for wishing me well. I have some big decisions to make in the next few months. But I think I have resolve; I hope I can continue with it. I'm tired of living this way. There has to be something better, even if it means living alone but not consumed by H's addiction.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
newdaysahead
♀ Member
Member # 10467
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, August 17th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wantshope - it isn't your job to make your H happy - that belongs to him. You are important to you and you are the only one that you can coontrol and change. It is sometimes more of a challenge to work on you while he is still present, but you can do it.

I agree with 7 on the MC thing. I view it as building a house, each partner creates the foundation and the marriage is the house. If the foundation is not sturdy, then the house could easily collapse. Both partners need to be in a healthy place for MC to have an positive impact. We have wasted a lot of $ and time on MC.

1F1B - Taking care of you is great. I am happy that you could see that piling on school in addition to all the other stuff was just too much. Formlate Plan B. It it is needed you will be prepared.

7 - Congrats on your news! I will be praying for you!


Me BS 39
Him WS 40, SLA,LTA and many other PAs and EAs
M 20 years, now separated



Posts: 396 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: SE PA
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