Whoknew? There is nothing "normal" about a husband blatantly disregarding his wife's feelings. Let me correct that: There is nothing ACCEPTABLE about it (might be normal...at least on this site ). And you're smart to get clear on your boundaries and give yourself some space. He's being disrespectful and hurtful and you do NOT have to take it.
My husband blew up last night -- says he's soooo incredibly angry but doesn't know about what. Says his mind is racing, that he feels like he's going to explode... I talked with my IC about it today and she said ,' That's great news." HUH???? She says that it's actually a big step for him because his usual MO is to just numb himself to everything, then act out. She says the fact that he's actually feeling his feelings is a big step forward. She says it won't be easy for me...but that he, hopefully, will get to a place where he can place his anger where it belongs (his mother, for example). Nice to hear we're actually making progress... I was starting to feel a bit hopeless because he's in such a bad mood all the time.
OMG y'all my partner now wants to have sex everyday! I know he never had a low sex drive. I just know it.
He still does the spanking thing kind of hard. I keep telling him to be gentler.
[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 5:03 PM, August 14th (Thursday)]
Have any of you had to go through this? How long does it last before they come around? Do they ever? What did you do to survive?
H is in the process of finding an apartment right now. He doesn't like the thought of sleeping in his truck tonight.
[This message edited by wantshope at 10:08 AM, August 15th (Friday)]
"Habit will reconcile us to everything but change."
The one thing he won't do is go to a group for sex addicts.
That should be an absolute deal breaker. The fact that you had to negotiate is ridiculous. These are YOUR boundaries, PERIOD. These are NOT negotiable! Stand your ground. He's trying to manage and ENJOY his addiction, if you let him get away with it, you are definitely enabling him and falling into that co-dependent/co-addict territory.
I have been enabling him for WAY too long. Those boundaries are also things that I am willing and committed to abide by. I am also going to the support group on Thursdays for Co-dependancy and troubled relationships. I have to change my behavior too. This isn't healthy!!
My boundary for him was to go to the initial program and follow through with whatever their treatment recommendations were. The consequence for this boundary was that I was going to rethink my future plans. I have decided that I am going to move to another bedroom and think things through.
I clearly told him before and reiterated it yesterday, that I needed him to do anything and everything to keep control of this addiction. I also told him that I needed him to go to this program if for no other reason then for our marriage – so I could see that he would do whatever it took to make it happen. He flat out refused. He told me that the group setting was not for him and that he needed to work on things other than just this addiction. He indicated that he wanted to use our old MC for his IC going forward – IMO someone who has slightly different views on addiction recovery than the 12 step or Carnes approach.
I am very sick over this right now. We have gone around on this a few times and it has escalated into some pretty bad arguments. I take responsibility for part of the arguments because I know I was wrong for many things I said and I know they came from the old feelings of his gas lighting and broken promises in the past.
I do not think I can continue to live life like this. I feel very broken today; it might as well be another dday. I know that probably sounds a little dramatic, but it isn’t much different because I guess I trusted him a bit more than I realized. I believed him when he said he was going to continue this program and I am devastated that he is not.
[This message edited by newdaysahead at 2:01 PM, August 15th (Friday)]
[This message edited by wantshope at 3:00 PM, August 15th (Friday)]
My WH's IC told him today that there's an intensive week-long program at a center in a nearby state that helps people get to the root cause of their behavior.
My WS's SA is only the latest chapter in the switching addiction whack-a-mole game. Work was no longer doing the job so he turned to sex (abetted by too much alcolhol). Who knows what will be next if he doesn't get to the root cause?
The mole will just pop up somewhere else.
We are in counseling with an SA counselor.
MC has it's place but not until the SA gets sober. I learned that one the hard way. We wasted a lot of money and time on MC when the focus needed to be on my FWH seeing a CSAT. As soon as we made that shift and my FWH focused on his SA, seeing a CSAT and going to group he got sober. Once he was sober we were able to go to MC and actually make progress.
Lightbulb posting for me, 7yrs. Thanks. We have sporadically been in MC but although it helped in some ways, I think you hit the nail on the head here. There is no point in MC until WS is sober. The MC is the most qualified person in this small city for sex addiction counselling; he is not CSAT, but no one else is either.
So the story with me/us is this: he is clean according to him and working every day to remain that way. I don't believe him; I think he slips more often than he admits. He does nothing more other than keeping really busy to prevent using. I know that is not going to work.
So what am I doing. Right now I just don't care anymore. I feel rather numb and somewhat sad at times. I *know* I need to set boundaries. I *know* I have to have consequences for crossing boundaries. But I am just so tired. I had to take an incomplete for my summer grad course, but I can finish it up this fall. I withdrew from a course in the fall and moved my Master's degree grad date forward by one semester. I was breaking down, physically and mentally. I have been suffering from lots of PTSD from the A lately. I am beginning to see why and the pieces are starting to fall in place.
So what do I do? Well, I'm not really sure but I am seriously trying to construct some sort of a plan. Our daughter and family are coming over from Europe for Christmas, so no major changes can happen before that. But I did tell H in MC last session, that what will happen is that I will slowly start withdrawing myself from this marriage and he may not even see it happening. And then one day I will be gone. This managing of his SA will not work and I will feel the effects of that. I already do. And that is what I find myself doing; just slipping away.
I have laid out before what needs to be done. And I have done the initiating of all of it; making the IC/MC appointments, suggesting books, websites, etc. He takes no initiative. He has become like a little child, really. It's now up to him. I'm not doing it anymore. The ball is in his court.
Venting, guys. I don't really need advice, but won't shun it, of course. I know what's happening and what has to happen, but I did need to let it all out somewhere. Thanks for listening.
Lightbulb posting for me, 7yrs. Thanks.
You're welcome 1F1B, I just wish I could help more.
I pee'd on a stick this morning and it was positive.
We weren't trying but we weren't avoiding either. At 40 & 42 and knowing we wanted two kids even though things were rough at times we didn't see the point in birth control if our ultimate goal is to stay together and have a family. What we envisioned as a family is 2 kids. Our DD is 4 and will be 5 on my due date.
My husband's sobriety date is Aug 28. 2 years! I'm so very proud of him and glad that I chose to stay. We are doing great now and this pregnancy is what we both want. I think it's a good omen that we conceived and got a positive test result in his sobriety month.
We had a hard time conceiving our daughter and I've had one miscarriage so I'm very worried about this pregnancy sticking.
I'll have blood work on Monday and then again a couple days later to make sure my hCG levels are doubling. If they do, I'll feel much more relaxed. If not, I'll prepared for the impending miscarriage.
Please send "sticky" thoughts for our little one.
That's great news. I'll be praying that the baby will flourish and you'll be changing diapers in no time!
Thanks for wishing me well. I have some big decisions to make in the next few months. But I think I have resolve; I hope I can continue with it. I'm tired of living this way. There has to be something better, even if it means living alone but not consumed by H's addiction.
I agree with 7 on the MC thing. I view it as building a house, each partner creates the foundation and the marriage is the house. If the foundation is not sturdy, then the house could easily collapse. Both partners need to be in a healthy place for MC to have an positive impact. We have wasted a lot of $ and time on MC.
1F1B - Taking care of you is great. I am happy that you could see that piling on school in addition to all the other stuff was just too much. Formlate Plan B. It it is needed you will be prepared.
7 - Congrats on your news! I will be praying for you!