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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners Of Sex Addicts
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, August 17th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7 yrs - congrats!!

I'm 42 w/ a 9 month old HB baby (weren't our teenagers surprised!!). Blessings to you, and prayers for a healthy, boring, happy pregnancy!!


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3556 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
newdaysahead
♀ Member
Member # 10467
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, August 18th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have had a rough few days with my H’s decision to take his recovery in another direction. As a result of that decision, I have been spending a lot of time trying to decide what is inside of me these days. His change of direction on this has me triggering badly as my feelings on this are not much different than when he would pull the old switch-a-roo on me during the addiction.

This weekend, a lot of old stuff came up for me. I still have a hard time reconciling the whole ‘fantasy’ of addiction vs. the reality. Yes, what he was trying to attain was inconceivable making it “fantasy” but the things he did were real, the people, the pain, the lies, etc.

I am still embarrassed that my emotions got the better of me on Friday when he and I had it out. However, I am still mad as hell that he did not go. Even when I reminded him that following treatment recommendation was my boundary and he agreed to that in the past, he responded that his attending a program that is “not for him” goes against his bottom line.

I know I am mulling over the events and there is nothing that can be done now about it, but I really feel stuck and down today.


Me BS 39
Him WS 40, SLA,LTA and many other PAs and EAs
M 20 years, now separated



Posts: 396 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: SE PA
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, August 18th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congrats 7yrs!

Last night it got ugly.

He started ignoring my calls, which is what he does when he looks up hookers and porn. When he gets in the zone it takes hours for him to respond to my calls. Hours!

So I look, and he's not at the forum at the moment, but he searched the day before we left for out vacation. Mind you, that's still after he said he would quit. The day before yesterday I asked if he has been looking up hookers lately. He said no. That was a lie.

I put up with the disrespect most of this year, and I'm not doing that again. I go to his place and tell him to cancel his membership. He does.

I told him that I wouldn't tolerate being ignored again. Ever. I've tolerated a lot of things, but I will not tolerate him looking up whores!

He said that I shouldn't be so nosey, and that I should give him freedoms like he gives me. He swears he hasn't done anything besides looks (as if just looking is ok). I told him that he shouldn't LIE!!!!!


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, August 18th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Newdays,

I know how you feel. It's so demoralizing and disheartening. The only thing that worked -- consistently -- for me was putting the focus back on myself. Let him sink or swim...while you do the butterfly stroke into your future. Take care of yourself, treat yourself special, remind yourself that the only person you can control is you. I guess they call it the 180 on this site -- basically removing yourself emotionally from the relationship as much as you can, while tending to your own needs and licking your wounds, if you need to. I think it also helps you get clear on what you want and need. It's hard to crystallize in our own minds what we want when there's so much "noise" from other person: excuses, justifications, recriminations... Whether he decides to take the necessary steps for his own recovery or not, you'll at least be further ahead in your own healing.
Lovedon'tlivehere, I think the same applies to your situation. It sounds as if you're still trying to manage his behaviour, which is destined to end in frustration and hurt. When he doesn't have you to "blame" for his acting out, he'll eventually have to come to terms with it...or not. Either way, you'll be on your own way to feeling more in control of your own life.
Hang in there.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, August 18th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is some possibility that my WH is a SA.

If he sees this specialist today and is told he is SA, what are some fundamental things I should expect and for how long?

Every time I start to read this particular forum I become anxious, and stop reading. A little denial, perhaps. So maybe a condensed version first will help me when I need to start learning about it?


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, August 18th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think each case is different. If your husband is acknowledging this and eager to get into recovery, then you can expect some relief, I think, though you may hear about more affairs than he's already admitted (part of the process is total disclosure). If he's not willing to get help, or is dragging his feet, it can be much tougher on you.
I tend to think that knowledge is power so I tended to find out as much as I could about SA -- searches on the Internet, books, this site, talking to my husband's counsellor, etc.
Sorry -- I'm not sure I'm helping much, but I think each case is so different. The common denominator is that his acting out had nothing to do with you. It was likely triggered by unresolved issues from childhood. That was the biggest relief for me. I'd been blaming myself and it was such a relief to have a name for what he'd done...and reasons.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
newdaysahead
♀ Member
Member # 10467
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, August 18th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Too Trusting – Read Mending a Shattered Heart. It is a great source of info and guidance for you the BW. As far as what to expect and for how long, that depends on your H and his acceptance and path to recovery. Nothing will change overnight just because there is a diagnosis. It is a hard road to travel for you both, so focusing on you is really important.

Eternaloptimist – I have been focusing on me and will continue to do so. Since we started the couples program together I was slowly beginning to let me guard down. I experienced him owning his issues and working on recovery during this program. His participation really gave me a sense of security that I have not had in a long time. He suddenly does this 180 and bam, I got blindsided again. It has me off balance. I know I can not control or manage his recovery. I know he will sink or swim, but here I am trying to swim and his splashing around is causing all kinds of waves that make swimming a little more difficult. KWIM?


Me BS 39
Him WS 40, SLA,LTA and many other PAs and EAs
M 20 years, now separated



Posts: 396 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: SE PA
2bewildered
♀ Member
Member # 20305
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, August 18th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to drop by and say 3 cheers for years!

It's been a crappy night, so if you don't mind 7 I am going to revel in your joy a bit. I'm so happy for you.


Doing a decent job of moving on.

Posts: 1365 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Florida
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, August 18th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7 yrs Congrats!


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008
gibbonsrose
♀ Member
Member # 16280
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, August 18th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cool beans 7!


Me - Befuckled
WH - Limber at limbo *sigh*

Posts: 5040 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: mountain transplant
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 5:17 AM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congratulations 7!


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congrats to you 7.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
Mourning123
♀ Member
Member # 19951
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congratulations 7!!


I find myself stuck on this rollercoaster from hell for 2 1/2 months now and want to get off this ride.

Does anyone have insight they will share...My husband and I have only been married 2 1/2 years and all this SA has just come spewing out and totally devastated me.

I know I can't be making rash decisions at this point, (I've finally updated my profile, so you can read my story) but I'm wondering if anyone else out there found out about this dark side of their WS so early in a marriage? My family (who only know that there's an issue with porn and there was a ONS) are telling me to run, but I feel I'm being led in the opposite direction to try and stay. I'm so tired and confused.


Posts: 372 | Registered: Jun 2008
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, apparently is a sure thing that WH is a SA.

I am waiting on a call from someone for some kind of support for me. I think I will want to go back to IC, but I want to make sure it is someone knowledgeable about SA. If my current IC is up to date on it, I will continue.

I have to admit allowing myself a few minutes of renewed hope, but I can't buy into it, yet. Is this going to hurt the healing process?

The were a few key things WH said that made me feel like he is real about this recovery. His phone call right after group therapy (I think) was this is the best thing that could have ever happened to him. WH also claims he realizes just how lucky he is to have me as wife. WH says SI made him think of reconciliation as more often achieved than in it is in reality. I guess the others at the meeting were surprised and made sure he knew how lucky he is.
His enthusiasm yesterday to realize the pieces to the puzzle and that isn't alone, were very obvious.

I am fighting the resentment that once again it's all about him. That he mentioned this SA possibility months ago, and has wasted 8 months he could have been further in recovery. I am so angry that I am dealing with so many different issues, while he has his.

any more insight for me and what is next?


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone!

I'm a big ol' ball of stress. I had blood work done and my numbers aren't great. If my hCG doesn't double tomorrow my pregnancy is not viable. I go back tomorrow for the blood draw and will get the results on Thursday. It needs to be 178 at least, to double, so please send "178 or higher" thoughts out for us!

I'm sorry I'm not responding to everyone, I'm very stressed and preoccupied right now.
7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sending 178 or higher -- which will undoubtedly also be the baby's IQ!!

Too trusting...
I had all the feelings you're describing in the days/weeks following my husband's confession of sexual addiction. On the one hand, I felt such relief that this problem had not only a name, but a prescribed treatment program. But I also felt (and sometimes still feel) that once again, our life was all about him. I had to laugh during one of the Desperate Housewives episodes where one woman's husband, newly sober from prescription drug addiction, would caution her anytime she asked him for any kind of help around the house "I'm feeling like using...."
However, it's when I'm resenting the attention my husband puts on himself and his recovery that I realize I'm not taking care of my own needs...but rather looking to him to do it for me. I also found the book Mending a Shattered Heart really validated my own feelings of pain and betrayal by acknowledging how devastating this is to the spouse of a sex addict. You might find it helps with those "what about me?" feelings.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7 Years

Congratulations! Such great news! Best wishes and keep us posted!

Mourning123

I am not even married and we have no children.

Most well-meaning people have told me to run for the hills. My thinking, rightly or wrongly, is as follows:

* WS and I love each other.
* WS is remorseful.
* WS is seeing a therapist and working on issues.
* WS has never blamed me.
* WS has been showing me bills, calling me, etc. to re-build trust.
* I am learning more about SA and know what I am getting myself into (e.g. relapse is a real possibility).

The fact that we don't have children helps in my decision to try to R. If R doesn't work out, I can leave any time, more easily than otherwise. In other words, I have less to lose to give WS, myself, and us a second chance.

Please do PM if you wish to chat.


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
disappointed007
♀ New Member
Member # 20371
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am new to this part of the site and have read some of the post. When I found out about my H, I was devestated. We got along so well and people would comment on how much we were in love with each other, so the fact that he did this to me was a huge surprise. He started therapy and the first day the therapist said he was a SA. He hasn't told me the complete number but it is several, more than 7 like he first admitted and has even been with couples while we were married. This is so bizzare to me, he is not the person I thought he was. Since I found out over a month ago, I have moved back to my home town near my friends and family. We lived near his. Now we are 1500 miles apart. We talk everyday, he goes to therapy and claims to have stopped sleeping with OW, he does admit to the fact that he still calls them, at least once a day. I am staying with my friend looking for a new job and a place to live. This has been hard on both me and my daughter, even his parents are upset about the whole ordeal. The fact that he didn't consider anyones feelings but his own hurts more than anything, even now he thinks he has more problems than I do. He shows no emotion, that is how he has always been. He did cry when I said that I was leaving until he gets his life straightened out, I also told him he would have to come to me and win me back. Right now we are married, but mostly just consider each other friends. Just someone to talk on the phone to. It is harder than I thought, even his therapist says he needs to go to a specialist and then he may never stop. It hurts when someone you love so much is not the one for you. What I am getting at is do they ever get better and stop? If so, how do you know? How do you trust again?


Married 6yrs
7 OW in 4yrs
1- 4yr old daughter

Posts: 38 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: OK
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Disappointed,

I am so sorry you have found yourself here, but we are all here to listen.

We got along so well and people would comment on how much we were in love with each other, so the fact that he did this to me was a huge surprise.

I had been with WS for 7 years, and like you, friends always told me we were the "golden couple". I had no clue that anything was amiss. When I discovered the sexual activities, it was surreal and was like a bad dream. You are not alone.

Since I found out over a month ago, I have moved back to my home town near my friends and family.

Do reach out to those whom you trust. See your doctor for STD tests and any medication you need (e.g. sleeping pills, anti-anxiety pills). Take it not a day but an hour at a time. Remember to eat, drink (okay not alcoholic), sleep and exercise.

Have you considered counselling for yourself? Some companies have employee assistance programs that offer free short-term counselling.

We talk everyday, he goes to therapy and claims to have stopped sleeping with OW, he does admit to the fact that he still calls them, at least once a day.

In terms of reconcilliation, WS must have no contact with OW. There are articles on this website on that subject.

What I am getting at is do they ever get better and stop? If so, how do you know? How do you trust again?

Unfortunately, there are no guarantees in life. Some members here who have been dealing with this for longer will be able to offer better advice.

Two books I found helpful are "Mending A Shattered Heart", which contains a collection of articles written specifically for spouses of sex addicts; and "After the Affair", which is a book about surviving an affair(s) in general. Although the latter book does not specifically relate to sex addiction, it goes through all the emotions a BS may feel and offers some very helpful advice if you wish to reconcile.

I know there are 12-step groups for partners of sex addicts. I am not in one, but others in this forum may provide their insight.

Like an alcoholic, I don't think a sex addict will ever recover; however, he/she can manage the addiction and compulsion through counselling, group therapy, etc. He/she must first admit there is a problem (no more self denial), and then commit to receiving help and to change. In the beginning, the addict may be preoccupied with resolving his/her own issues, before he/she can work on rebuilding the relationship.

In addition, I have never heard of any sex addict who can do it on his/her own - professional help is, I believe, a must. There are certified sex therapists who are qualified in assisting in these situations - a family doctor and/or counsellor should be able to give your WS a referral.

Again, I am so sorry you have been betrayed and hurt. You do not deserve this but if you wish to R, there is hope - just look at all of us here! You are in my thoughts and post whenever you need.

[This message edited by birdwatch at 4:52 PM, August 19th (Tuesday)]


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
2bewildered
♀ Member
Member # 20305
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7years: I am currently chanting 180! 180! 180!

Mourning: Like birdwatch we are not married and we have no children. I have had alot of people freak out about this and tell me I should run away, I listened to them and did for a few months only to realize that what we had, that he was worth the effort. I truly love my WS and know he loves me. Aside from this one HUGE problem, which obviously permeates every part of our life on some level, the relationship we have is incredibly open and honest. So his love for me, his remorse, his admitting he has a problem and how that problem has negatively affect me, him and our relationship, I am staying and working on us. I believe it is worth the effort.

At this point I am not telling everyone that we have reconciled. I have a few friends and my mother as well that are going to be very judgemental. I feel like I need a few months to figure out where we stand, before I am ready to fight that battle.


Doing a decent job of moving on.

Posts: 1365 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Florida
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