Mourning123- I have only been married for a year and a half... We don't have any children either. I have to say that I have thought the exact same thing as birdwatch:
The fact that we don't have children helps in my decision to try to R. If R doesn't work out, I can leave any time, more easily than otherwise. In other words, I have less to lose to give WS, myself, and us a second chance.
I feel like even though if I were giving someone else advice I would tell them to cut their losses and run... I still cannot do that yet. My H has been willing to go to therapy with a CSAT, has shown me that he is committed to recovery, and has done everything I have asked him to do so far for me to continue with this relationship. I do love him and I did marry HIM, faults and all. (Even if I didn't know about all of the faults beforehand)
I figure as long as he is doing what he needs to do for himself and this marriage, I will continue to do the same, even though it is so hard sometimes.
He does know that if he decides to not follow the road to recovery and pursue what he needs to, I will no longer put forth the effort to maintain the relationship and he will be doing this alone. I agree that without any children, this makes that decision much easier for me.
There are still days where it helps for me to keep remembering this... It can be tough sometimes to want to stick with it.
Good luck with your decisions, hope you make peace with whatever you decide to do.
I agree with eternal:
However, it's when I'm resenting the attention my husband puts on himself and his recovery that I realize I'm not taking care of my own needs...but rather looking to him to do it for me.
I couldn't have said it any better, and it was like a lightbulb went off when I figured that out for myself... I was in IC, screaming "What about me?! I'm the one who's been hurt! I'm the one who needs support! Why is this all about HIM?!!!" ... And I finally got it. He DID need help. He DID have these uncontrollable, terrible urges that would consume his mind everyday.
And I realized that I needed help too. But I didn't have to get it from him all the time. I needed to get it for myself. This is hard for me because I have always thought that as a married couple, we "became one"... and I really felt that way. I felt like (metaphorically, of course) if he chopped off his own arm, I'd be the one bleeding and in pain. I have realized that we can be married and I can be separate from what he does. I am responsible for me and only me. I can choose to accept this part of him (along with the recovery process) and also learn to take care of myself again.
I thought that because I had taken on such responsibility for our marriage and our "oneness" that he automatically did too... Obviously, not the case, or I wouldn't be here!
Also- too trusting- It sounds like your H is "getting it" and it does look like he's doing what he needs to do... Good Luck!
My H says that he is willing to see a counselor for his anger and IED issues (intermittent explosive disorder, another impulse control disorder) but that he doesn't need to go to a group for SA. I disagree and I don't think he has a right to call the shots in this. He seemed really remorseful on D-day, but just yesterday he was making jokes about ME being the one to bring hookers home for him. WTF?
He saw these women when I could barely afford groceries and when I was sleeping in the room next to him. He's leave in the middle of the night to give these women money that he told me he did not have to help me out with bills (we have separate bank accounts because I get child support for a previous child). I knew that he looked at prom and he's admitted to masturbating up to 6 times a day, but I used to have to beg him for sex and he's refuse to pleasure me or compromise on positions that worked better for me.
I am broken, I don't know if I can recover from this. I should say I don't know if I can recover from this with him.
I don't have much advice, I just recently got hit with the giant boulder that is finding out your partner has SA, we are working on our relationship, but his issues..... We are still figuring out our path and what to do.
So no big words of wisdom, just a welcome and a hug. You are not alone in this.
Read the rest of this thread, it has given me alot of strength.
So very sorry you are here...but glad you have found the site where we can all relate to the utter shock and dismay of discovery.
Like 2bewildered, I'm new to all "this" as well having d-day#1 on 6/14, d-day #2 on 6/17 and d-day#3 on 8/11. Let me warn you of "trickle truth". My WS gave me information in waves, thus the 3 d-days...he promises I know all his secrets and lies, but trust will be a very difficult thing for me to find again.
Is your husband truly repentent and sorry for his sinful actions? I would recommend counseling immediately for both of you as it has helped us discover the SA and begin to learn how to crawl out of this deep dark pit of hell.
I would also recommend getting tested for everything. It was one of the hardest things I had to do going into the doctor's office and requesting all STD/HIV testing because my WS had been unfaithful. I also demanded that of my WS for some peace of mind.
Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers and there are so many here who are in the same boat and can provide so much helpful information.
I find it comforting to just read the posts to reassure myself that I am not alone if this horrible journey.
I am so deeply sorry about what you are going through and the unimaginable hurt you are experiencing. Please post as often as you wish. We understand.
I am pretty new at this as well. Since you have just discovered, please remember to look after yourself, one hour at a time.
* Remember to eat, sleep and drink lots of water/fluid/milk/juice. Even if you run to the store to get a 12-pack protein shake and live on that for a few days, it's better than nothing.
* See a doctor for full slate of STD tests and medication (sleeping pills, anti-anxiety pills) if necessary.
* Do not have unprotected sex with WS in the meantime.
* See a counsellor for yourself - and fast!
* Let it all out! All of us here have curled up in a fetal position and cried/screamed/sobbed uncontrollable, have yelled, etc. Acknowledge that you have been hurt and betrayed, and you have every right to feel the way you do.
* If you wish to and are able to stay with a trusted friend or family member to have some physical/emotional separation, do it.
In the first couple of weeks, take care of yourself first. You owe it to yourself to do that. Later, you can think about R and WS' recovery. As you can see from other postings in this thread, even in the long run, WS is responsible for his own recovery anyway.
In the meantime, even if your WS doesn't want group therapy, he should still go to a counsellor trained in SA. In a couple of weeks, when you are able to function, then worry what avenue of recovery should your WS explore. However, a NC and no sexual acting out rule should be in place even now.
Having said all that, these are just my comments. You must do whatever it takes to look after YOU in this crisis stage. It is very easy to slip into the mode that WS is the SA and WS needs to recover that many of us BS have forgotten that we need just as much help as WS does and that we have to look after ourselves.
With lots of love going your way.
We see the OB on 9/3 for an ultrasound to check for a heartbeat. I think I'll feel better after that.
Divorce is the only option, he makes me so sick to even think about.
seeing_stars---Have you had a chance to read any of the articles in the Healing Library? The betrayer seldom reacts in what we would consider an appropriate manner when confronted. My WH got angry. Some WS deny any bad behavior. Your's seems to try to joke his way through. It takes a while for them to come out of "the fog." It's better if you don't make any big decisions, like divorce, right away. If you think you would like to save your marriage, there are other avenues to try before deciding to divorce. Keep reading and keep posting here. We've all been where you are now and know what you're going through. The people here care about you.
Making jokes, feigning innocence when you protest or react. It's something that has to "get through" to them.
My H was making disgusting sex requests (in joke form) within just a couple weeks of Dday. I told him to take those kind of "requests" back to the hookers. If he was interested in being intimate with his WIFE, then he should watch what comes out of his mouth. He stopped.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
As I was reading stars post, I remembered last night he made some crack and I had to tell him, there are some things I am just not going to find funny any more. But for the life of me I can't remember what the joke was. It's driving me nuts!
Glad you came over here...
I think that the best advice I was given during all of my initial time period of this was to take care of myself -(SO much easier said than done, but still vital advice)
-And to not feel like I had to make any changes or decisions right away.
I made myself a countdown calendar on our refrigerator and I told my H that I would give myself 30 days to decide what I wanted to do.(An arbitrary number, but I thought that I should know by then how I felt; once the initial shock wore off) Every day I wrote a new number on it. (I didn't want to forget that I had a decision to make, and I didn't want him to forget that I was making one!) He could choose to do whatever he wanted in that 30 days, but I was not going to tell him if I wanted to reconcile or to divorce until I had a month to think about it.
In that time period, I learned a lot about SA; he got "de-fogged" pretty quickly (b/c he knew I meant business and would pack up and leave); and I found this site.
After 30 days were up, I decided that he had shown me that he wanted to get treatment for his addiction and he recognized that he could not do it alone. (He admitted that he had tried so many times and failed)
I think that having the spouse admit there is a problem, and that they need help with from a professional- is so crucial to recovery. You can't stay in the relationship for very long with out that. (I think it would be very very difficult to ever get a balanced marriage without a willingness to change behaviors)
I wish you luck with this and keep posting, and reading. There is another thread that was discontinued b/c we were at 999 posts so they start a new one after that... Look back at it for more insight if you feel like it.
There are people here who are divorcing/divorced, separated and undecided, and reconciling/reconciled... No matter what you decide to do, we will be here for support.
One thing is for sure though, learn all you can about this- The more informed you are, the better equipped you are to make those life changing decisions. I wish you luck in this journey and hope we can help.
Congratulations! I am so happy for you... We will continue to send prayers your way... I love good news!
Edited for spelling... It's late and I had a rough "triggery" night... My eyes are crossing and I have to be at work at 7am tomorrow!
[This message edited by innerstrength at 1:17 AM, August 23rd (Saturday)]
I've been away a fair bit this summer, but I always enjoy returning home and reading the wisdom imparted on this thread. We might be the club no-one wants to join, but I'm glad I'm a part of some amazing people.
I echo what everyone else says here. Since D Day is so recent, your WS might
* blame others (you drove me away)
* minimize the consequences of his behaviour (it's just cybersex, not "real sex"; or it only happened once; or it's just sex, I never loved any of the other women, etc.)
* show anger
* show shame and remorse
The only think you can do is to look after yourself in the short term and let him sort through his emotions, hopefully with the help of a professional.
WH and I had a really, really long talk yesterday. I was pretty set going into the talk that I wanted a D, but he really wanted to do counseling and try to reconcile. I thought about it and prayed a lot and came to the decision that it would be best if he moves into his mom's house for a while while we get counseling together.
Today I found out I am pregnant. Total shocker. We are both very happy, but it does give us more motivation to reconcile instead of divorce. He still needs to move out for a while and we need a lot of counseling, but maybe we can still work.
I have been away for a while - taking a break. It was nice to come back to good news.
Nothing new for me. Just a little worried that my WH's momentum is slowing. He gets so busy with work - he cancelled a couple of IC appointments. Still can't stop waiting for more bad news.
Do you ever get to let your guard down?
Congratulations on the news. Are his actions showing you that he wants reconciliation, not just his words?
Counseling has helped my WS and I tremendously. I've decided to give it a year to see if we can make it, as my WS is completely repentant and wants to repair the marriage that he has destroyed. I'm not promising him anything, but am taking it one day at a time and praying that I will know what to do when the time is right.
I don't have children, so I can't really say what my heart would tell me if I found myself pregnant during all this, but IMHO don't reconcile only for the sake of this baby. Make sure it is what you want.
Once an addict always an addict.
An addict has to want to recover and stay in recovery.
This is life long struggle for the addict.
The SA is addicted to a chemical released in the brain when sexually stimulated.
The difference between an addict and non addict is we can get satisfied when the drug is released they cannot. They have to have more.
The tools that an addict uses to get their fix, whether a needle for a heroin addict, or alcohol for the alcoholic, or porn for the sex addict. These are just tools to get the chemical fix.
Because sex addiction is so personal and involves the use of the opposite sex to get their fix it is so difficult for the spouse or SO to understand and live with.
What I have decided.
I will give my SA a chance to complete the 12 step recovery program.
He has to stay in an SA group for the rest of his life.
I will not help him in his recovery struggles. This is his burden to bear.
I will not stay in the marriage if he does not complete the 12 step program.
I will not stay if he begins using again.
I will give him a chance to get better.
I have been with him for over half of my life. I love him and I know he loves me and that what he has done to this marriage will take time for both of us to recover from.
We are both making great progress in this effort.