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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners Of Sex Addicts
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, September 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pebbles,

I think women are told from a very young age that boys are into "that" -- we're told we shouldn't dress certain ways, wear too much makeup, etc. We're fed a steady diet of soft-core porn from the time we can open a magazine or turn on the TV. So it's no surprise that so many of us think WE'RE the problem -- that we're just not open-minded enoug, or we're making a big deal out of nothing, or that we're humorless feminists... Can't win, it seems.

Reallylost,

I'm not sure what's up with your husband. Could be he's indulging in attention after feeling invisible for so long. Could be addiction. It's hard to know... I hope you're taking the time and energy to focus on your own healing.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, September 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eternal

When we got married 30 yrs ago the minister said the marriage wouldn't work unless I got over my jealousy.

I told the minister the same things about WH's behavior with the porn and his leering and he said I was jealous and needed to get control of that.

When I entered therapy 27 yrs later after the A I told the therapist the same things about him and she said he could be a sex addict. I thought WTF!!!

I need to know if getting a sponsor for SA is this hard or am I being fed another barrel of bull.
7 where are you? We've discussed his manipulations before. My patience had been worn so thin that air passes thru.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, September 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pebbles,

In other words, your gut was telling you 30 years ago that something wasn't right...and another man told you YOU were the problem. Unbelievable!
My husband doesn't have a sponsor though he's been going to a 12-step group for about six months. We haven't really talked about it. He kinda uses his IC as a sponsor. Calls him any time he's having a panic attack or something. To be honest, I haven't thought too much about a sponsor. I'll ask him tonight what he thinks...
I hope 7yrs weighs in when she tells us the good news (fingers crossed) about the baby...


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, September 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Pebbles, I just asked my husband re. sponsors and he says that it's a "young" group and there aren't a lot of members who've been there long enough to act in the capacity of sponsor. There's one guy that my husband quite likes and feels comfortable with and he's trying to get the courage to ask him. But that's about it. In my husband's case, I'm not noticing any problems around there NOT being a sponsor, though I'm sure it would help...


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, September 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep my gut told me to turn and run when I was walking down the isle the day I got married.

I will never ignore my gut again.

I am willing to give WH time to recover from the addiction. But it has to be more than just sitting at meetings. There has to be actions on his part. Changes in behavior on his part. I hear words but I don't see changes in behavior. Porn is gone thank goodness.

We just celebrated Harley-Davidson's 105th and it was not a good weekend for me except driving around on my bike.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Happy  Posted: 4:16 PM, September 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need to know if getting a sponsor for SA is this hard or am I being fed another barrel of bull.
7 where are you? We've discussed his manipulations before. My patience had been worn so thin that air passes thru.

Hi! I'm back. My hubby says that it's up to the individual to get a sponsor. He can't just stand up and ask for volunteers, he's supposed to approach an individual (or individuals if one says no) and ask them to sponsor him. He should be exchanging phone numbers with members too and they should be calling each other for support between meetings. This has been absolutely ESSENTIAL to my husband's sobriety and recovery. He relies on his group even more than his CSAT. Making phone calls is KEY to recovery.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Ok, update...WE SAW A HEARTBEAT!!!!! Most beautiful little blob ever with that lovely little flutter flashing on the screen! Many tears of joy and relief. I'm due April 23rd.
~~~~~~~~~~
August 29th was my husband's TWO YEAR SOBRIETY date! I'm so proud of him and of all the work we've done on our marriage. Things are better now than they've ever been. I'm so glad that I stayed and that he's worked so very hard on his recovery.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, September 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congrats on baby heartbeat 7.

He has asked a couple of guys but they have too many already.

There has been an exchange of phone numbers with members but he has never called anyone.

I guess I should be happy that at least the porn is gone. It's been 2 yrs for that. But he's gone for long periods of time without porn before.

His behavior while in public has changed in some aspects. I used to be able to find him in a store by finding the prettiest and sexiest dressed female in the store. Honestly in the past he would always be near her trying to get the best look. This is behavior he thought was normal. He never hid this behavior from me. This has changed for sure when I'm with him.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
2br02b
♀ Member
Member # 19664
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, September 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH has been in an SAA grp since April. He is still without a sponsor. He says he asks about someone sponsoring him at the meetings but no one has come forward.
Is this normal that there aren't enough people far enough along in the 12 steps to sponsor him?

Well, I could have written that very paragraphy myself. My husband does a meeting a week, is "looking" for a sponsor but seems to dragging his heels. MC is after him to stop procratinating on it and I feel a big blow-up on it at the next session.

I am staying out of it even though I think he should be lighting a candle under this thing.


Me 51
Him 53 (and SA)
D-Day#1 9/19/1981
D-Day#2 11/23/2008
D-Day#3 - 6/6/09 (Actually D-Day!) - full disclosure given.
Forgiveness - 8/30/09
Married 29 years
2 adult children
Reconciling
2BR02B - that is the question.

Posts: 81 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Phoenix, AZ
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, September 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH came home from SAA mtg and he's going to be meeting with someone soon.

He says he has 2 propects now.

The reason I started asking about him getting a sponsor to work the steps with him is because someone else we know is in the same meeting as him. We were at a gathering with this person recently and the change in this person was so remarkable. He used to look over every woman like a hungry wolf looking over a herd of cattle. The steps are definitely working for him. If the steps and meetings worked for this person then there's hope for WH. This person's behavior was far worse than WH's ever was.

2br02b

I've stayed out of his behavior far too long. I will not continue to live with an addict not in recovery now that I know it's an addiction and I'm not just some green eyed jealous person like I was told.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
2br02b
♀ Member
Member # 19664
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, September 4th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've stayed out of his behavior far too long. I will not continue to live with an addict not in recovery now that I know it's an addiction

Absolutely, I will not continue to live with an addict not in recovery. I am just not going to micro-manage his illness and treatment. That's his gig.


Me 51
Him 53 (and SA)
D-Day#1 9/19/1981
D-Day#2 11/23/2008
D-Day#3 - 6/6/09 (Actually D-Day!) - full disclosure given.
Forgiveness - 8/30/09
Married 29 years
2 adult children
Reconciling
2BR02B - that is the question.

Posts: 81 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Phoenix, AZ
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, September 4th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am getting ready to order Mending a Shattered Heart.

What are the next best couple of books you would recommend?


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
Mourning123
♀ Member
Member # 19951
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, September 4th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Too Trusting,

What have you read so far? My IC recommended Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction, and False Intimacy. I've read both and Love Must Be Tough. I'm about to start Mending A Shattered Heart. Several pages earlier in this thread there have bend some other books mentioned...one was Out of the Shadows (or something...guys correct me here), but I don't think I'm far enough along for that one yet.


Posts: 372 | Registered: Jun 2008
Mourning123
♀ Member
Member # 19951
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, September 4th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does the worry ever go away that your WS will slip or is it always there?

My WH has just started traveling again and I'm worrying myself sick that at some point he will slip and act out.

I've set my boundaries and he knows them as to what slips I can tolerate and the slips that will make me leave...but I'm terrified. He says he's totally committed and being honest/transparent. His actions speak volumes thus far.

One minute, I'm 100% committed, the next minute I want to run as fast as I can!

[This message edited by Mourning123 at 3:44 PM, September 4th (Thursday)]


Posts: 372 | Registered: Jun 2008
gibbonsrose
♀ Member
Member # 16280
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, September 4th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heart to Heart Counseling Center
http://www.sexaddict.com/

Recent announcement for anyone who's interested:

FREE ASSESSMENT

Heart to Heart Counseling Center would like to welcome Cory Schortzman, LPC,
private practice counselor. As a recovering sexual addict/anorexic Cory
specializes in treating sexual addiction and sexual anorexia. Cory is offering
a FREE ASSESSMENT for any male who believes he is struggling with sexual
addiction. This assessment will help you know what type of sex addict you may
be. This offer is good until September 19, 2008 for the first 50 men that call.
To schedule your free assessment, please contact Heart to Heart Counseling
Center at 719-278-3708.


Me - Befuckled
WH - Limber at limbo *sigh*

Posts: 5040 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: mountain transplant
goingstrong
♀ Member
Member # 16314
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, September 4th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure why I've never posted down here, but I read down here often.

My story is in my profile.

Tonight my husband is at his SAA meeting. Everytime he goes, I can't help but wonder if I just sent him away for an hour to find another whore to mess around with. He isn't doing anything "wrong" that would make me think this. He talks about the meetings to me, and calls me when he gets there, calls me when he leaves, and sometimes takes a picture of the church.

But I can't help but wonder....

I know I'm being hyper-irrational. And I am 98% sure he's sober right now. But, I can't seem to shake the paranoia.


Me: BW (25)
Him: WH (31)
2 beautiful boys, 9 & 3

Posts: 112 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: Ohio
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, September 4th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7years --

That's such great news.

To the others wondering about books: I found Don't Call It Love and Out of the Shadows good in that they allowed me to understand my husband's side -- I've said before that I thought sex addiction was like a big frat party. Reading those books made me understand the shame and self-loathing that go along with it.

And I can only speak for myself. The worry is mostly gone. I trust that he is where he says he is. For us, his own disgust with himself is motivation enough that I don't think he'll go down that path again. He was heading toward a breakdown if he kept living that double life and he knows it. He also knows he's damn lucky I'm still here -- and I won't be if he puts me through that again. It was different for me because I didn't know he was SA until he'd already sought treatment on his own and been in recovery for a few months. Then he fessed up. So by the time I found out, he had already decided he did NOT want that life anymore.
Still...the fear rears its head now and again. Not sure it'll ever completely go away.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, September 5th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mourning,

There is not one day when I don't think about "what if's".

I feel powerless and angry. While my happiness should never depend on others, I feel powerless that my WS has the capacity to devastate me and ruin my life.

I loathe that my security and well-being is in the hands of another person, who can in one moment's notice destroys it all.

I feel that life events are random, there is no fairness/justice/karma, and am dismayed that human beings have the capacity to hurt others that they love.

I feel even though my WS is facing the consequences of his actions, OW has got off without any punishment. In fact, she is probably now fooling around with other men, destroying other families, turning the lives of other innocent women upside down. What makes her think she can hurt other human beings like that? Where does she get her sense of entitlement? How can she be so cavalier about destroying other people's lives?

I search for answers and none came, and none likely ever will. That in itself makes me sad.

I am pretty down today, sorry. Despair and resignation just envelops me. Ironically, R is going well, WS is going way out to keep me informed of his whereabouts, and I have no suspicion. One of those days. I am telling myself, one day at a time.

So Mourning, you ain't alone. Hugs and kisses to you.


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
Mourning123
♀ Member
Member # 19951
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, September 5th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Birdwatch!

My WH was on a business trip the last two days, and those two days were probably the lowest I've been since D-day 1, 2 & 3. I couldn't focus, couldn't eat, sleep, etc...and broke down several times and just cried and cried while wondering how I can live like this. Worried all the time when he will slip and begin lying & acting out again. I guess this is just part of "me" that I need to work on. I've got to get to a point where I'm not consumed with the "what ifs" and deal with them if and when they come.

Our R is going fantastically (or as best as I could have hoped). He is sharing everything. He volunteers his cell phone, showed me hotel bills and called and/or texted me throughout the day as to his whereabouts. He is trying so hard, but I'm just having one of those weeks where I am so worried about the next shoe that drops. His counseling is also going well as I am seeing a different side to him, that he bottled up and hid away...probably part of the underlying issues that brought on this terrible addiction.

The rollercoaster rolls on....

Birdwatch, I totally understand the anger associated with the power another individual has to make me so miserable. That is part of my healing process in understanding that I've got to look to my faith and know that I will be sustained by that and that nothing my WH does will destroy me. God will always be there to pick me up and carry me.


Posts: 372 | Registered: Jun 2008
innerstrength
♀ Member
Member # 19540
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, September 5th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((goingstrong)))
I think that the paranoia can be good sometimes- It keeps us on our toes, but at the same time, I think it starts to fade a bit over time. With each truth that is told and each day that passes where trust can start to rebuild, I think it gets better. Don't be hard on yourself for being paranoid- It hasn't been that long since your last DDay- I think you are well-justified in being nervous with any time away- The trust was broken- Even 5 minutes can be scary! Give yourself time to heal. The good thing is that he's working on it and going to meetings. If he truly wants to change, that's what matters in all of this. You take care of yourself and hopefully he will continue to build that trust back again.

(((birdwatch)))) and (((mourning123)))
Sorry you guys are having a rough time right now...

It definitely doesn't seem fair that the life you always thought you'd have has been severely altered at the moment... I keep holding out for the fact that at least at this point in time the addiction has been uncovered, and is being dealt with accordingly... And hopefully, over some time and hard work on my H's part, I will finally get to that place I always thought I'd be. There are people and couples who come out stronger and better because of this. I try to keep remembering that. It helps that I'm already noticing behaviors (good ones) that I hadn't seen from my H in quite awhile. It keeps me going through it.

Hang in there- The rough patches seem to come and if everything is progressing the way it should with treatment, they will pass as well. I think that with consistent behavior and consistent reactions from our spouses, we can start to move through our hurt and pain and begin to believe that we can heal from this.

(I feel like I should have eternaloptimist's name at this point- I am very optimistic about this terrible, awful, sad situation. I have nowhere to go but up and better!)

(((7yrs)))
Congrats! I am so happy for you and your H... Your joy comes through your post so vividly- I am so happy for you- and your H's recovery is a ray of hope for me...
Thank you!

[This message edited by innerstrength at 8:57 AM, September 5th (Friday)]


Me: BS
Him: WS,SA
D-Day #1: 10/22/05
D-Day #2: 4/27/08
In R, LOTS of counseling this time!
I'm finding out day by day how strong I can be... I wish I never had to get to this self-discovery...

Posts: 189 | Registered: May 2008
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, September 5th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those new to this bizarre SA thing, I have to explain that I was where you are. I had those awful fearful, hopeless feelings. In fact, I got so low that, after a year of spiralling down (with the occasional "up"), I ended up on ADs. They've helped immensely. I don't feel different about my situation as much as I feel like I can handle whatever comes my way. I feel like I've got "me" back. I hate the fact that I'm on meds and fought going on them for a long time. But I have three little kids who need a mother who wants to keep breathing...
I still have moments of despair, but they're few and far between. And they're much less focused on him than on me and how I feel about all this and what I want out of my marriage and my life. Pleasant change from so many years of thinking about him.

Birdwatch: Re. the OW -- not sure if this will make you feel better but I knew one of the OW fairly well (she was my husband's assistant) and I would rather be dealing with all this than be in her head. She's a nasty,cynical, angry person who does feel entitled,ironically because she feels utterly worthless. Screwing married men makes her feel powerful but we all know it's completely illusory. She wasn't anything more than a "hole" (I'm sorry that's so crude, but it's the truth -- something my husband feels ashmed about too). If anything, pity someone who is so devoid of self-respect that they'll take anything/anyone to avoid looking into the mirror and creating a life of integrity.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
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