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User Topic: Spouses/Partners Of Sex Addicts
Mourning123
♀ Member
Member # 19951
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, September 5th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thought everyone might want to check out this article on CNN.com today...

http://www.cnn.com/2008/HEALTH/09/05/sex.addiction/index.html


Posts: 372 | Registered: Jun 2008
seeing_stars
♀ New Member
Member # 20728
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, September 6th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going to really look for a counselor for myself. I found out I was pregnant just a week after DDay and I was actually really thankful to have something else to consume my thoughts. I am still thankful for that because when I think about the huge deal that this is I just shut down and am not able to function. I have had panic disorders since I was a child and usually and very functional, but now that I can't take something (RX) when I need to because of pregnancy I don't know how else to cope other than hyperventilating and that is very stressful to my system. I know that shoving emotion and not dealing with it is bad, but I feel like if I try to deal with it it will kill me.

Posts: 9 | Registered: Aug 2008
innerstrength
♀ Member
Member # 19540
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, September 6th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((seeing_stars))))

I would definitely agree that you should find a counselor for yourself. You have a lot on your plate and it's so hard to try to sort through all of this on your own.

I was trying to remember if your H is in a recovery program or if this is all still so new, that is hasn't happened yet...

I have to say that we, as spouses or partners in all of this, definitely need some time to take care of OUR needs. Some times it feels like so much recovery effort and care is given to the SA spouse, that we get forgotten. (Even if we do it to ourselves...) In "traditional" situations of infidelity, it seems the BS gets the extra love and attention and the support and the sympathy about what has "been done to them". In our situation, we may get that to some degree, but we also have the extra burden of providing support and love and understanding to our spouse that is dealing with all of this. It can be hard to be supportive when you feel like sh*t and your whole world just changed in an instant.

Make an appointment for you as soon as you can. Nurture yourself and begin to try to heal...
And by taking care of yourself, you will also be taking care of your little one!

Good Luck- Keep us posted...
Innerstrength



Me: BS
Him: WS,SA
D-Day #1: 10/22/05
D-Day #2: 4/27/08
In R, LOTS of counseling this time!
I'm finding out day by day how strong I can be... I wish I never had to get to this self-discovery...

Posts: 189 | Registered: May 2008
Mourning123
♀ Member
Member # 19951
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, September 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so tired. I am tired of the anger. I am tired of the pain. I am tired of the worry about what WH will do next time his SA habits resurface. I am tired of my counselor telling me I am normal... No sh*t...I meant my vows and didn't do this to my marriage.I am tired of all the co-dependent crap that I am supposed to take the blame for. I am tired of being supportive to my husband as he deals with this awful, terrible sinful addiction.I am tired of trying to cope with the fact that my WH would prefer to masturbate to porn than have sex with me.WTF!! I am tired of trying to figure out how he could do this to me...the person who loved him unconditionally no matter what. I am tired of my FIL telling me to "deal with it".I am tired of pretending everything is OK. Its not, its terribly f*cked up and I am too tired to care...I am tired of my life being upside down.I want ME back!!

Just needed to share that with someone before I head to IC once again.


Posts: 372 | Registered: Jun 2008
Lucia07
♀ New Member
Member # 20953
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, September 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((Mourning))))))))))

I am so sorry you're feeling this way today. I can relate (no pun intended).


Posts: 5 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: California
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, September 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Mourning,

I am so sorry. I would not patronize you by sayingy our feelings are normal. Your email really resonates with me - I could not summarize my own feelings better. May be becuase our D Days are similar and we share similar biographies.

Like you, I am consumed with anger. Not only anger towards WS, but anger towards OW (who probably is destroying other families and innocent women as we speak) and anger towards the injustices of this world (I gave this man my heart and soul, and that's how I was "rewarded").

I guess I am still not digesting SA very well. MC explained that WS has a compulsion and it has nothing to do with me.

I don't understand that. Lets imagine the consequences of WS' actions are physical, not emotional. Lets image my WS has a compulsion to take a hammer and swing it at my knee. Would anyone accept the explanation that "WS has a compulsion and it has nothing to do with you. Lets support him so he won't smash your knee cap again". That obviously would be non-sense. So why is it okay for us to accept "it's a compulsion" as an adequate explanation?

I am not speaking out of anger as much as exasperation and exhaustion. I do not understand anything any more. I feel adrift in this world, not being able to make sense of things.

I hope we are not feeding on each other. I just want you to know you are not alone - truly. Like you, I have booked an IC appointment for Thursday with a new counsellor.

On a more optimistic note, I try to remember that WS is trying his best in R and he loves me. I am always hoping to learn more about SA through IC, and learn about my reactions to it. That's good enough for me right now to make an effort to R.

Hugs and kisses to you. PM me if you need.


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
innerstrength
♀ Member
Member # 19540
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, September 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((mourning)))

Sorry you are feeling so tired... I, too, can relate.

Birdwatch-
Something you said resonated with me, because I was also having a really hard time with the "it has nothing to with you" statements... I had long and tiresome discussions with my H about the fact that yes, okay, you have the addiction, not me , and I know that your addiction and the acting out would have happened if you were with me or anyone else for that matter...

BUT... It has AFFECTED me deeply, and therefore I AM a part of it. I think the message that the IC keeps drilling in to my H at least; is that the spouse (or the "supposed faults" of the spouse) have nothing to do with why this partner strayed, acted out or was unable to control themselves....

So in that sense I get that it "had nothing to do with me"...

What I'm having a hard time dealing with is the fact that I found out for the duration of my relationship, my H has been comparing me physically to porn stars... I can't ever compete with that... So- My self image is all messed up (I've always had great self esteem... but now I'm a mess) And the resulting actions and feelings on my part keep getting that same response... "It has nothing to do with you"...
BUT IT DOES! MY FEELINGS ARE HURT! I can't be naked in front of you anymore! How can it have nothing to do with me? (Sorry- mini vent there... but this has been bothering me for months)

So, I completely understand where you're coming from... We have these deep scars and I think eventually our spouses will get far enough along in this process to realize the damage that they've done... And hopefully we can get through all of this and heal them little by little.

Right now, so early on, I think my H is still is somewhat of a "survival" mode...
All of his previous comforts when he was stressed or anxious have been labeled "off limits- or relapse..." now, and he's struggling to make it through and be honest and open about everything...

But it still sucks when he can brush something off with "It had nothing to do with you" statements... It makes me want to scream!

I want ME back too!

[This message edited by innerstrength at 9:14 PM, September 9th (Tuesday)]


Me: BS
Him: WS,SA
D-Day #1: 10/22/05
D-Day #2: 4/27/08
In R, LOTS of counseling this time!
I'm finding out day by day how strong I can be... I wish I never had to get to this self-discovery...

Posts: 189 | Registered: May 2008
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, September 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs to you all. I don't believe in that co dependent/co addict crap either.

Good books for spouses trying to understand this addiction is Out of the Shadows by P Carnes. Another is Mending a Shattered Heart by Stephanie Carnes.

Out of the Shadows really helps to understand about the addiction to the chemicals released while looking at porn or whatever they use to get this chemical released. It is just like any chemical addiction. The sex industry understands this all to well and feeds this to people just like any drug pusher.

Unfortunately for us spouses this is just so personal.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
shenpa1
♀ Member
Member # 11710
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, September 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Personally, I didn't care for any of Carnes books as theyscared the shit out of both me and my husband. We bought all his books but they were, for the most part, left unread.

Sexual addicts lie that's how they survive.

As a spouse of SA I lied. I lied to myself day in and day out. I knew my H was cheating from day one, but I didn't want to admit it to myself. I couldn't admit it because then I would have to face it head on. Some people might call this fear, other's call it ignorance and still other's call it codependent behavior. For our entire marriage I chose to casually ingore my intuition, my instinct and the countless signs. My h and I perpetuated a continual dance a cycle so to speak. He cheated and I ignored. I was devastated when I found out....I spent 1.5 years in bed and nearly killed myself.

I waged the biggest battle of my life with myself.My husband has the sexual addiction, but I certainly have had a hand in this ugly scenerio as well!

Shen


Me BS-49
H- WH-46
D-day #1 05/05 H Admits to PA #1
D-day #2 10/06 PA#2,3,4,&5 (ouch!)
Children: 3
Married 12 years



Posts: 396 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: CA
shenpa1
♀ Member
Member # 11710
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, September 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Personally, I didn't care for any of Carnes books as theyscared the shit out of both me and my husband. We bought all his books but they were, for the most part, left unread.

Sexual addicts lie that's how they survive.

As a spouse of SA I lied. I lied to myself day in and day out. I knew my H was cheating from day one, but I didn't want to admit it to myself. I couldn't admit it because then I would have to face it head on. Some people might call this fear, other's call it ignorance and still other's call it codependent behavior. For our entire marriage I chose to casually ingore my intuition, my instinct and the countless signs. My h and I perpetuated a continual dance a cycle so to speak. He cheated and I ignored. I was devastated when I found out....I spent 1.5 years in bed and nearly killed myself.

I waged the biggest battle of my life with myself.My husband has the sexual addiction, but I certainly have had a hand in this ugly scenerio as well!

Shen


Me BS-49
H- WH-46
D-day #1 05/05 H Admits to PA #1
D-day #2 10/06 PA#2,3,4,&5 (ouch!)
Children: 3
Married 12 years



Posts: 396 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: CA
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, September 10th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I'm having a hard time dealing with is the fact that I found out for the duration of my relationship, my H has been comparing me physically to porn stars... I can't ever compete with that...

Shenpa1, I understand this feeling. I really do. I have known about my H's addiction for years. Even when I tried to convince myself that it was not about me, subconsciously it did affect my self-image. H has been fairly open about his addiction in the last couple of years, although it is still very difficult for him to talk about it as the shame literally makes the words stick in his throat. One thing he told me soon after he connected the addiction to his ONSs and A, was that he had a difficult time making love to me. He said that he considered me somewhat like a 'Virgin Mary' type figure in his life. He told me he would have to imagine that I was someone else during sex. MC told us that this is common with SAs; they totally separate their wife from the porn figures. This is one reason some have great difficulty with sex. FWH assured me he NEVER compared me to the porn women. I was too good for him he felt.

I know some of you have great difficulty with the codependent label. I honestly believe that you have every right to reject it b/c you did not enable your spouses. But please don't reject the label for all of us. I KNOW I was a codependent and a co-addict. I enabled this man for so many years. In my healing I have had to confront this reaction in order to heal. In reading your stories I can see that your situation was totally different and have every right to reject the tendency for these SA experts to pin the label on you. It is not fair.

{{{{all the non-codependents}}}}}}

BTW, my FWH is doing better. He is finally demonstrating his conviction to heal. He is reading literature on the subject and has started reading the site, Recovery Nation. I can't say I'm even cautiously optimistic, but I am prepared for him to fail and to finally recognize his need to seek out a 12 step program even though none is available in our area. His health is not good enough to travel 3 hours each way, a couple times a month to attend the closest meeting, but I am praying God will bring another male SA to his life, and the opportunity to form a group. Whatever happens, I am at a place of personal peace. I really do understand that this is all about him and not me. It's his work. My work is my work. With that sense of peace, I know I can do whatever I have to do now and in the future. If that means separation or divorce, I can handle that too.

Hugs to you all.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
scaredwitless
♀ Member
Member # 14384
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, September 10th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all - I'm new to this thread but my WH has told me that he realizes that now he is a SA. I don't know if I believe him or not. I've been reading about SA and it doesn't seem to me that he has any of the symptoms - he doesn't compulsively masturbate, he doesn't seek out prostitutes or do any of the stuff that Carnes says is a criteria. He does however fall under the categories by Schneider: compulsivity, continuation despite consequences and obsession - but not about sex in general, just a particular woman. So I'm not sure if I'm buying the SA line or not - it seems to me to be an easy way to affix blame to something (along the lines of "I can't help it, I'm an addict") when in fact he has way deeer issues.

He does look at porn every day (at least he did when we were together, since i threw him out I don't know!) and needs to masturbate to achieve orgasm. Our sexual encounters turn into masturbation for him to reach pleasure. But like I said, he's not seeking out prostitutes or going to strip clubs or phone sex numbers or anonymous sex sites (although he did respond to one Craigslist casual encounter posting recently). To me, it's not sex he's obsessed with, it's going behind my back - that's where the thrill is, becasue he's been involved with one OW for the last 10 years while both he and she have been in relationsips.

I'm confused. Any idea how his situation can be perceived as SA?


This too shall pass... like a kidney stone, but it will pass.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Posts: 689 | Registered: Apr 2007
sadandsurviving
♀ New Member
Member # 20998
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, September 11th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, I am married to a sexual addict who has been in treatment in the past( before we were together) and has been very open about this illness, issue, whatever it is but I thought he was "in recovery" or recovered whatever. I have had all the red flags pointing in the direction of him cheating or thinking about cheating, but when I confronted him it was basically brushed off as nothing more than fantasy or play, Now I have caught him and he has admited to ( once) cheating. I am so upset,and he is more apathetic than anything else. at first it seemed he was ashamed but now (only 2 weeks after I found out) its like he is mad at me for being mad. He wants me to read some books he has on SA to understand the illness, but I am NOT ready to do that. I dont want to understand it , it seems like a justification to me for being an asshole.I am at a loss. I just dont know where to go from here. I have 3 small kids, this is my 2nd marrige and I dont want to get divoced but I dont know if I can EVER trust him or respect him again. I feel devastated. anything?

Posts: 4 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: vermont
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, September 11th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Scaredwitless:

I am so sorry that you have found yourself here, but you have found a good site and thread for support. There are a lot of kind people here to listen and share.

Your WS can see a certified sex therapist to get diagnosed.

The fact is, whether the inapprorpriate behaviours are caused by a sex addiction, other forms of compulsion, or WS simply being a pig, WS has to acknowledge it is unacceptable, and be willing, ready and committed to change. Otherwise, it does not matter whether he is a sex addict or not; the situation cannot continue for your own well-being.

Having said that, I think a proper diagnosis is helpful because it helps you and WS understand the cause of the behaviours and to prevent these behaviours from happening again. I am not a therapist, but I believe the direction of counselling will be very different if your WS is a sex addict as opposed to not.

In addition, through the process of diagnosis by a professional, other issues may be unearthed. For example, may be your WS is not a sex addict after all, but is actually clinically depressed. In that case, the depression may be the cause of the acting out, and treatment may be directed to alleviate the depression.

Please do take care of yourself. I strongly suggest you both seek counselling.

PS I see that you have served divorce papers. I suggest you read the book "After the Affairs" that deals with surviving an affair (not specifically dealing with sex addiction). It is generally believed that no major decision should be made within one year of the A (or the discovery of it).

[This message edited by birdwatch at 12:11 PM, September 11th (Thursday)]


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
scaredwitless
♀ Member
Member # 14384
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, September 11th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Birdwatch - clinical depression is also my take on his problems, but he denies it and doesn't want to get checked.

You wrote:

PS I see that you have served divorce papers. I suggest you read the book "After the Affairs" that deals with surviving an affair (not specifically dealing with sex addiction). It is generally believed that no major decision should be made within one year of the A (or the discovery of it)

The first discovery of the online EA was in summer 2006. I did not confront then, even tho now I understand that I should have. My self respect is shot, let me tell you!! I had been monitoring the situation instead of acting on it and I count the second discovery as being in Dec 2007 when they were making plans to meet. I confronted him and told him I wanted a divorce because I could no longer live with a man who could flat-out lie to me. He persuaded me to let him have a second chance, so I did, telling him that I wanted him to go into counseling and that if I ever found out about him doing this again, it was over. period. He said he understood but he refused to go to counseling.

He then left to go overseas for 5 months, during which time he did not communicate with her, and I believed him when he said he was being good. In retrospect, I should have told him to stay here and get into counseling if he really loved me. I've learned my lesson. Anyway, summer goes by and we're travelling periodically and no contact from him because all she has is his old e-mail address and I changed the PW on it. She wrote a couple of times to 'check in'. He reassures me that it's over, but still doesn't want counseling.

Then this last week I see a suspicious post on his MySpace, log into it and see that they have been corresponding for about a week and he's set up a special e-mail address for her. I log into that (he's not too bright when it comes to passwords) and once again, there it all is - the steamy letters of long lost love, naked pictures of each other and plans to meet.

But this time there were two added bonuses - an e-mail reply to a requst for a 3some on Craigslist (which does indicate SA), but more hurtfully, he says something negative about me in all his e-mails to OW. I can't take that on top of everything else, so I throw his stuff outside and change the locks while he's away over the weekend.

Now he's all remorseful he says and loves me (ha) and "realizes" he has a "weakness". I told him what the bottom line is and he is there. My point is, I've lived with the A for over 2 years and now am finally doing soemthing about it. I just wanted you to know the highlights of the story so you could understand my rapid movement to D.


This too shall pass... like a kidney stone, but it will pass.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Posts: 689 | Registered: Apr 2007
FeistyWoman
♀ Member
Member # 19093
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, September 11th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone-

Haven't been here much - but today has been hard. I think it started with watching some of the 9/11 anniversary coverage. I guess that should make me realize that things could be a lot worse in my life. It is very sad to think of all those families who were affected.

Then I have Monday to look forward to. That is when my WH does his "Formal Disclosure" to me with his therapist. He insists that I will not hear anything new - and I believe him. I didn't think it was going to be a big deal, but I think I am starting to get more anxious than I thought I would.

I am really glad he is going to do it. I think it is good for me to hear it all again in a more coherent way than it has come out in the last few months. I also think it is VERY good for him to have to write it all down - to see it all in one place.

Things have mostly been good. WH finally starts in a SA group this week. Not a 12-step - but through a university clinic program. I started a short-term partner's group last week. That was good. But scary. Some people have been dealing with this for so long. It kind of freaked me out.

I want - and need - to be very respectful of everyone else's experiences but it is very hard for me not to look around the room and say ---NOT ME. I will NOT be here in 5 years or 10 years. I won't.

I guess the fact that my WH was willing to go into therapy almost immediately after I found out makes me "lucky."

Somehow - I am just still sad. Guess it is going to be one of those days (or weeks, or months).

FW


Me - BS
Him - WH (SA)
Dday #1 3-20-08 Dday #2 4-9-08
2 children
Married 11 years, together 20
Him-3 massage parlor visits starting 1996; 1 yr arrangement w/prostitute;6 ONS(women); 1 full massage with man
Me-Totally clueless until 3-20-08

Posts: 111 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Midwest
Forgotten1
♀ Member
Member # 20827
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, September 11th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, my WS is a likely SA as well. I am trying to be as supportive as I can. Being that I'm fairly new to handling this (though I think I have known for years, he remained in denial)does any body who has been handling this have any good advice for me? I don't know if I'm handling it correctly. I have a bad feeling if I'm not on top of things, it will happen again. He likes to post ads on the net (ashley madison, etc) and meet them in person for sex. So far, I know of two but God, who really knows, right? Help.


BW(me)-34
XWH (him)- 41
M - 12/31/97
One darling son - 13
DDay 1 - 1/16/08 OW1
DDay 2 - 8/28/08 OW2
DDay 3 - 9/7/09 OW3 and OW4 and Idk how many more.
Divorced - 8/17/11

Posts: 226 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Here...there....wherever...
onceinlove
♀ Member
Member # 19874
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, September 11th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am coming off a very bad week. I just don't know if I want to be in relationship with someone who could do this to me.

I know my WH is a SA. He is remorseful and ashamed of his behavior. He is NC, going to IC and about to pick up his 90-day chip in SA. D-Day was 11 weeks ago.

I know intellectually that his behavior has nothing to do with me. I know from my own sobriety that he suffers from an emotional and spiritual sickness that is similar to mine (I've been sober for years and years).

But I just can't get past the fact that he lied to me for six year. How do I stay married to someone I can't trust. How do I behave in the marriage? Do I act like nothing happened? Do I have sex? Right now, I am enraged and grieving and I can't hold it in.

He is doing his best to love me through these waves of grief but I have a hard time accepting any of his love as genuine.

Please help. I could really use some encouragement right now.


Him: WH 48
Me:BS 48
M: 17 years
D-Day: June 17, 2008
WH confessed to 6 APs over 6 yrs, including 2 LTAs; now in SA recovery--approaching 2.5 years of sobriety
Status: R


Posts: 78 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Southeast US
Mama2girls
♀ Member
Member # 16119
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, September 11th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lots of activity on the forum today. I haven't posted for a long time.

My FWH has been in SA counseling for almost a year. I go every other week for couples counseling with him.

I felt just like "Onceinlove" for a long time. Wondering how I could be in a relationship with someone who would do this and wondering how I would ever trust him again.

I can say that one year later, things have changed. It has been incremental, but when you see that your partner really "gets it" it changes everything. My FWH is learning how to have empathy for me and it makes a huge difference in how he treats me. Because of my background I didn't even realized before that he had no empathy for me.

Now that we are healthier together, I can see how messed up it was.

When he truly is healhtier, you know it. And when he isn't there yet, deep inside you know that too.

But, it does take time. That is so hard.

My counselor told me that as long as I was seeing improvement and growth - it is okay to stay in the relationship and that it's a really long term process.

A year later - it really is easier. I really don't take it personally anymore. I truly know even on an emotional level that it didn't have anything to do with me.

Our marriage is so much better than it ever was before and if it took him going through this SA to get here, I even can be okay with it.

Professional help was critical to getting to this point though. As was my FWH digging really deeply into the issues that created this in him. In his sharing his painful history with me, I am able to have compassion for him instead of just anger.

Take care everybody -


Me BS 37
Him WH 40

Married 8 years, together 12 years
2 young daughters
FWH in IC for SA
R


Posts: 89 | Registered: Sep 2007
onceinlove
♀ Member
Member # 19874
Default  Posted: 6:12 AM, September 12th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((mama2girls))

Thank you for the encouragement. I really need to hear that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I'm definitely in the middle of the tunnel.

I am so blinded by my anger that I don't want to acknowledge all the ways that he is acting like a new, different and better person. It's like I want to punish him by withholding my acceptance of who is becoming because of my disgust at who he was. In some ways, it seems like the only power I have.

Ugh!

In the meantime, I have been speaking my truth no matter what and he has been encouraging me to do so. The empathy you see is something I'm starting to see, too, though sometimes I wonder if his patience with my grieving process will wear out. He says not. My IC says if it does, it's just another data point in the process of data collection I'm going through for the next year in order to see if this man is someone I want to stay married to.


Him: WH 48
Me:BS 48
M: 17 years
D-Day: June 17, 2008
WH confessed to 6 APs over 6 yrs, including 2 LTAs; now in SA recovery--approaching 2.5 years of sobriety
Status: R


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