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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners Of Sex Addicts
Mourning123
♀ Member
Member # 19951
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, October 2nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very well said EternalOptimist!

Posts: 372 | Registered: Jun 2008
cer
♀ Member
Member # 1255
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, October 2nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need HELP quickly!

SA is coming home tonight after 2 weeks out of town. Just since he's been gone, I've figured out that he's a SA and I'm a flaming codependent.

So I've been reading all the books I can get my hands on. I'm also working on a letter that my IC recommended outlining what I need to stay in the marriage.

The problem is that I have no idea how to treat him since I've had this complete change of heart. I've been pretending that everything's fine for so long that I don't know how to handle being honest about things not being okay anymore.

I would appreciate any advice you all have.

cer


Divorced after 26 yrs of marriage and a decade of infidelity. Thank God it's finally over.

Posts: 94 | Registered: Mar 2003
gibbonsrose
♀ Member
Member # 16280
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, October 2nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The problem is that I have no idea how to treat him since I've had this complete change of heart. I've been pretending that everything's fine for so long that I don't know how to handle being honest about things not being okay anymore.

Hmmm, I'll try to help, but what do you hope to accomplish tonight? To open a dialog in general? Discuss the possibility of a sex addiction? Read him the note your IC suggested? Stop the pretending?

Perhaps all of the above?

Although I am not sure of what you are asking, I would advise not to dump ALL of it on him at once.

Begin a dialog, and take it from there.

Acceptance of his sexual addiction (if that is what it is) should be diagnosed by a CSAT or other SA specialist. I'm afraid that if it came from you, as my husband did, he may dig in his heels and deny, deny, deny.

I'll try to be more helpful, Cer, tell me what you are looking to do...


Me - Befuckled
WH - Limber at limbo *sigh*

Posts: 5040 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: mountain transplant
cer
♀ Member
Member # 1255
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, October 2nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I just want to be real. I have no intentions of disclosing the SA issue. I know he has to figure that out for himself.

I've tried many times to start a dialogue to discuss how I feel and he stonewalls or it turns into a huge fight.

I want to detach. How would I do that in this case?


Divorced after 26 yrs of marriage and a decade of infidelity. Thank God it's finally over.

Posts: 94 | Registered: Mar 2003
gibbonsrose
♀ Member
Member # 16280
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, October 2nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to detach. How would I do that in this case?

Read about the "180":
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

... And take care of YOU.

Good luck, Cer. Keep posting.


Me - Befuckled
WH - Limber at limbo *sigh*

Posts: 5040 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: mountain transplant
UnbearablySadd
♀ Member
Member # 18150
Default  Posted: 3:45 AM, October 3rd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A friend gave me a bracelet in the wake of DDay #1 that has a message on it: "Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live."
,

EO's post above made me think of an affirmation that was shared with me this week:

"You are valued."

the person said that this message had so much meaning for them, really helped them to step back, breathe deeply and remember that they are a valued person.

Would folks here be willing to share their (or create and share) successful, supportive affirmations?

I was thinking of writing some on stickies and posting them in some places - like the bathroom mirror so it's the first thing I see in the morning - to give me courage.

warmly,


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGQd8M5t4Ao&NR=1

it's all about James Hunter, now ;)

And here's the 180 link:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=256092


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: This side of R that side of S
gibbonsrose
♀ Member
Member # 16280
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, October 3rd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Would folks here be willing to share their (or create and share) successful, supportive affirmations?

Good idea, US.

When I am feeling low, I put in Eric Bibb's CD, and listen to "Spirit I am"; you can find it here:
http://www.myspace.com/ericbibb


Me - Befuckled
WH - Limber at limbo *sigh*

Posts: 5040 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: mountain transplant
Mourning123
♀ Member
Member # 19951
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, October 3rd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've put Bible verses around the house and in my car that deal with grief, trust, forgiveness, etc. (If you aren't religious, there are some great inspirational quotes you can find through Google.) So I can step back and read a quick verse that helps me know that I'll be OK.

Posts: 372 | Registered: Jun 2008
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, October 3rd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mourning:

I put 2 small radios in my bathrooms & am able to listen to inspirational & Christian radio...even a great counseling call-in program that's very helpful...I figure I HAVE to be in the bathroom, so it reminds me to turn on the radio...:0

Also, I listen to CD's in the car w/ my daughter...I also do tons of 12 Step devotions/literature morn./eve.


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, October 3rd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GR:
I'm doing a version of the 180 w/ my SA...I stopped replying to his "I miss you" texts, etc...only business relationship w/ him...I'm not nasty, just matter-of-fact-ish...
He is out of the house again...so I don't ask him HOW/WHAT he is doing for recovery/sobriety, etc. IF he offers, fine...but I don't really engage it...
Told him I'm done hering about how hard it is to have his stuff "everywwhere"/cuz he's living like a vagabond...
I just remind him it's his choices that have got him where he's at...tell your Sponsor, dude.
at the same time, it sucks, cuz he NEEDS stability as his thinking is already jacked-up...& trying to get work/run his business is tough like this...
BUT. Nothing i can do about that...
Thanks for you all being here...:)


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, October 3rd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cer,

The problem is that I have no idea how to treat him since I've had this complete change of heart. I've been pretending that everything's fine for so long that I don't know how to handle being honest about things not being okay anymore.

I do not believe you an diagnose or treat a SA. Diagnosis has to be done by a certified sex therapist. And recovery and counselling for a SA should be guided by a counsellor.

My counsellor tells me that even within the counselling community, there are different positions and views about SA. It is an evolving territory. Thus, I don't think you can do this alone.

Finally, you are not responsible for "treating" WS. It is WS' responsibility to be accountable for his behaviours, to acknowledge there is a problem, to commit to counselling and recovery, and to support you and the marriage.

Is it possible for you to schedule a couple's counselling meeting and introduce your suspicion? If both you and WS are committed to R, it may turn out to be a moment of truth that both of you need. It actually may bring hope to you and your WS by exposing the SA and by committing to change.

Best of luck. Hugs going your way.

birdwatch


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, October 3rd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am wondering how often do you see your IC and what do you talk about? I feel like I am merely talking about what happened and how I feel about what happened, which I can do for free with my girl friend. Also, it's almost like re-living the bad experience every week. Any insights?


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
Mourning123
♀ Member
Member # 19951
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, October 3rd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Birdwatch,

I'm beginning to feel that same way. I'm alternating a group meeting one week and IC the next. I think soon, my IC will recommend once a month. I'm having issues with the group, as I feel worse when I leave. I can read a zillion books on SA and write all my thoughts out here and not pay a small fortune for group therapy.

My WH on the other hand is going to group once a week and IC every other week. Committed to that for one year, at least!

Who knows? Suggestions welcome!!


Posts: 372 | Registered: Jun 2008
2bewildered
♀ Member
Member # 20305
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, October 3rd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Birdwatch,
Thank you for the questions, but there are a few parts of our conversation I should disclose so you guys understand fully.

When he told me that he was going to go work as a sex club/party promoter to infuse his business with money (he can make 60K a yr working nights and weekends)I made it very clear that was in no way going to fly with me, He had to make a choice the easy way to save his business or me. he chose. I tossed him out. That is a huge dealbreaker.

He also questioned what the problem is. Aside from the cheating and lying what is wrong with sex clubs. He questioned how it was even an addiction. He told me that he knew that he would go back to this lifestyle in the future.

I asked him point blank if making all this money and having this lifestyle were more important than me. His silence was a yes.

I love him, I wish more than anything he could have made the right choices, fought to keep me but he didn't. I love the man I thought he was, and that is not all of who he is only a part. I do not love the man who chooses money and addiction over love, over me.

This is not stumbling in his battle with addiction, that I would support him in. This is actively choosing to give up and head right back into it. I cannot stand by for that.

I know my limit, and this is way beyond it. I know that by choosing this now, I will never trust that he won't do it again. I can't live like this anymore.

Luckily we are not married. We ahve been together some time and would have been getting married soon. I don't have to deal with the legal issues many have to. Just the heart break and redefinition of my life.


Doing a decent job of moving on.

Posts: 1365 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Florida
shenpa1
♀ Member
Member # 11710
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, October 3rd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

National public radio did a series on addiction. One of the addiction topics was sex/love. It is wonderful and it you want to hear it go to NPR.org. Click on Health & Science, then archives. They give a great description of the "chemical rush" that SA's feel as well as the emotions that are set in play.

Patrick Carnes and most of the literature I have read is simply too dark. The last thing I wanted to hear was half the shit that came out of Carnes book. I found his reasearch dark, dreary and filled with little hope.

I spent 6 months reliving nearly every painful detail of what I discovered about my H with a therapist who was glad to hold my hand, take my money and let me talk. It was brutal.

I stepped out of therapy and immediately starting seeing a psychiatrist who I trusted to get me on the right meds and tweak them as needed. I didn't see him on a therapeutic basis for any of the SA fallout.

I found a new therapist and decided to start talking about ME instead of my H and his SA. We do discuss the SA on ocassion and we certainly discuss H and the marriage. My healing however is focused on me. And with that has come the understanding that my H's sexual addiction is his problem. His actions have certainly impacted and left a massive imprint on just about every aspect of our life, but I have healed enough to understand that I have a choice to stay attached to addictive process or step to the side of it. The SA started long before I entered my H's life and it continued throughout 18 years of our marriage. The SA has ended for me because I have decided it's no longer my problem. The choice was simple. I could stay immersed in the problem or I could walk away from it and let my H take rightful ownership of the addiction.
Basically one I decided that his problem wasn't going to be my problem I was able to move forward and start a true healling process.


Me BS-49
H- WH-46
D-day #1 05/05 H Admits to PA #1
D-day #2 10/06 PA#2,3,4,&5 (ouch!)
Children: 3
Married 12 years



Posts: 396 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: CA
UnbearablySadd
♀ Member
Member # 18150
Default  Posted: 1:35 AM, October 4th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, GR. Mourning and Scribbling :) I am working on affirmations and will post.

In terms of this comment

Finally, you are not responsible for "treating" WS.
I believe the original poster did not intend to imply "treat" as a therapist, but rather "to interact with in a normal fashion."

Warmly,

US


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGQd8M5t4Ao&NR=1

it's all about James Hunter, now ;)

And here's the 180 link:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=256092


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: This side of R that side of S
Ingrid
♀ Member
Member # 20126
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, October 4th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear scribbling mum:

You said this:

"I'm doing a version of the 180 w/ my SA...I stopped replying to his "I miss you" texts, etc...only business relationship w/ him...I'm not nasty, just matter-of-fact-ish...
He is out of the house again...so I don't ask him HOW/WHAT he is doing for recovery/sobriety, etc. IF he offers, fine...but I don't really engage it...
Told him I'm done hering about how hard it is to have his stuff "everywwhere"/cuz he's living like a vagabond...
I just remind him it's his choices that have got him where he's at...tell your Sponsor, dude.
at the same time, it sucks, cuz he NEEDS stability as his thinking is already jacked-up...& trying to get work/run his business is tough like this...
BUT. Nothing i can do about that...
Thanks for you all being here...:)"

Scribbling: In my view, kicking my WS out only contributed to his acting out. He was living like a vagabond too. And it was not helping our marriage!!!! Just wanted to relay that idea to you, but of course you need to do what's best for you and your kids.

When my SA WS and I were separated this summer for 6 weeks, I feel it made matters worse for our entire family and for us. I was bearing the weight of running the entire home, everything, kids, animals, all errands, all chaeuffering of the kids, chores, meals, etc., to the point of exhaustion, while he was out free and easy, living the single life, free to see whomever he wished--in our case, frequenting the strip joint and *seeing* his favorite stripper from there no doubt, all the while taking care of no one but himself.

This only amounted to HIM having absolutely no accountability whatsoever.

For me, it's much better to keep my husband in the home, I felt this way--the last time he said he wanted to R, but still was acting out----why??? because we need him around, kids need him, I need him to do his fatherly tasks. And while the kids also know--also our families know about what he's been doing, it may have an effect on him one way or another.

To me, IF he chooses to act out any more, I will ban him to the couch, not cook for him, barely speak to him, yet carry on, also I will demand he go to meetings at least 3 times a week, and up his IC to 2 X a week. I will let him know what I expect. Perhaps being in the home, yet shunned, and receiving the 180 will force him to take a long hard look at his behavior. Don't know for sure.

I do feel however, that sometimes when a SA is kicked out, they love having no accountability, and it can be actually more of a disservice to them than a help. Just a thought.

I hope you're OK.

Take Care

[This message edited by Ingrid at 6:51 PM, October 4th (Saturday)]


Posts: 232 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: L.A. CA
discombobulated
♀ Member
Member # 6580
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, October 5th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

An SA has to WANT to get help and recover - most don't want to change in my humble experience.

Work on yourself. Get strong mentally, physically and spiritually. Decide what is important to you. What are your "no gives"? When my IC asked me that, I couldn't even begin to imagine the answer because I was so accustomed to giving and giving and sacrificing myself for my SA that I completely lost myself. Find YOU. What do you need and want? Don't worry about what he needs - for once think about your life.

You can't save him. He can choose to save himself, but porbably won't. You can rebuild your own life. I'm doing it after 26 years of misery. And I'm finding out that I can be happy, strong, fun, optimistic and look forward to my future.

You can too!


BS - age 52- married 27 years, in IC, support groups
WH - age 57 - sex addict/porn addict, NPD
Children 2 boys, 19 & 16
D-day #1 2/2/05, D-day #2: 1/22/06
R 4/21/05, but that was another lie, just a game.
D-day #3 11/06
Divorce final may 09

Posts: 2151 | Registered: Mar 2005 | From: Florida
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, October 5th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ingrid,

Hi...:) I will NOT alow him in active addiction living under my room OR with my kids. PERIOD. He is going to do whatever it IS he's going to do. It IS really painful for him to be kicked out & having to live at his mom's house (before a SA friend). Yes, he could do whatever he wants all day long...SO WHAT? He was doing it while living here under our nose & lying.

He's FINALLY taking direction/suggestion from his SA sponsor and attempting to really get on the recovery-fer-Real track...
My older 21dd won't speak to him now unless he gets in/proves he's well-into recovery 7 out of active addiction...

Yes, it's tough that I have to run all errands--blah-blah...so be it. I allow him to take child to her youth group & have some time on sundays. he still pays all the bills. I home school my 14dd. Yes, it sucks...a lot. BUT.
I no longer ask if he's sober every day/week...I'm no longer trying to check up on him or his fecking recovery, er lack thereof...

HE DOES feel the pain/consequences of being banned from the family unit...and knows HE has to choose true recovery 7 get help for real...even if only so he can be a dad to my kids...he has to get better for HIMSELF...having nothing to do w/ IF I was to choose to ever reconcile w/ him again...


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, October 5th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

p.s. -

An active addict shouldn't even get the privilege of "parenting" ...
Again, my bottom line: I won't allow a sex addict in active addiction to live under my roof. Period. And now that he's proven UNtrustworthy x 1,000...I don't trust his judgment/thinking about anything...

He was given tons of Grace & a chance to come home w/ us supporting him in supposed recovery...he threw that away...
so, he's on his own now...and the reason it's more effective is that HE has to want it...do it...and has no one to ENABLE-the-Shet out of him anymore...no more being manipulated/feel sorry for him shet...hence, my business-only communication w/ him...
I'm working on ME & what i want & going forward regardless of what he does or doew not do...


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
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