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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners Of Sex Addicts
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 5:26 AM, July 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, so last night I asked to get on his computer. He said, "No!" and became a bit defensive. After a little asking, he gave in.

Now I saw why.

He's been on porn including sites he specifically promised he wouldn't go to, erotic stories ( I guess that's someone new to replace the adult forum), and I suspect chat,too.

I'm not surprised. It was starting to seem as though he was losing interest in sex with me just that fast.

I could literally walk around in booty shirts, and he wouldn't like it in the least.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
PTRN
♀ Member
Member # 19730
Default  Posted: 6:14 AM, July 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, I'm so happy to see a new thread. I logged on in the middle of the night after having vivid nightmares about this whole situation. (I have a very strong physical sense that my H is hiding something else. I think I must be really good at picking up on bad vibes/behavioral cues.)

Anyway, it helped a little just reading a few of the recent posts and being able to nod in recognition.

This all blows donkey azz.....If it was just me, I'd have moved several timezones away by now.


Posts: 214 | Registered: Jun 2008
PTRN
♀ Member
Member # 19730
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, July 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((needsupport)))))

If my H had given me an STD--my tests were clean, thankfully--I swore I would kill him.

I meant it.

IMO sex with professionals--especially unprotected sex---is abusive. The fact that my H could reduce another person to a transaction, while lying and deceiving me, makes me furious.

I'm in day by day, ducks in a row, trying to make solid decisions land. So I understand a bit where you're coming from.


Posts: 214 | Registered: Jun 2008
newdaysahead
♀ Member
Member # 10467
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, July 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mourning

First off the anger is normal. Hopefully, your WS’s actions will be positive and this will help you overcome your anger. Only you can answer whether your WS is doing things to heal.

Is recover possible? Yes, I think it is, but your WS needs to accept the problem and be willing to do the work on himself and the M. No lie, recovery is hard work. It will be hard work for you both. It also is not a quick fix. It will take a long time. The acting out can stop quickly, but the healing takes a while.

My H has been ‘sober’ for 10 months – 10 months today actually. It has only been in the last couple weeks that I have started to feel at ease with this. I found out about my H acting out 5 years ago, but never pegged it for SA until about a year ago. I have been attending SAnon meetings for about 8 months. We have not done a formal disclosure. I am sure there is more that I do not know, but at this point I am ok with that. Eventually, through the programs he is in, there will be some type of formal disclosure, but I know from the program that it takes time for him to get to that point and to formulate it.

He admits the thrill of the urge and then the shame afterward.

Is is truthful or just full of bulls*&???? Who knows?

This is the addiction, any addiction This shame is in part what makes it hard for them to be truthful about past action, IMO…it the truth in my H’s case.


Me BS 39
Him WS 40, SLA,LTA and many other PAs and EAs
M 20 years, now separated



Posts: 396 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: SE PA
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, July 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

birdwatch:

Well, you are going into it knowing he is a sex addict...so that is your choice...many of us didn't have any idea...

And, I'd just say I hope you realize what you're in for...

Unless he has some kind of men's accountability group...and works a program...how is he going to stay/be sober?
I'd give S-Anon a chance...much to learn there about ourselves...


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, July 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Birdwatch, my H is also not in any group. There is none here but he does have an opportunity to contact another SA in the area and get together. He is very hesitant to join a group. He also doesn't go to IC any more. He does claim to be sober for weeks at a time. Personally I think he needs to go to a group, but that's his choice, not mine. I really believe he will either relapse badly and recognize his need for group accountability or....I'm not sure what...so I guess I think the above will happen. This addiction is so powerful.

I don't have a group here either, but my IC is giving my number to the wife of the SA mentioned above. If she calls me, I will definitely meet with her and feel out whether she wants to be involved in a group.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Haven't been here in a while because I haven't noticed any acting out on my H's part or anger about losing his "fix".

However, a new issue has surfaced and that is is total lack of interest in sex at all. I don't know if this is a byproduct of it finally "sinking in" or a swing of the pendulum too far to the opposite side or whether he's doing this because he's fighting a stressful situation and he feels he might "slip". I'm trying to be lovingly supportive, but hearing a man who had sex of some sort 7 days a week for 10 years suddenly uninterested triggers me badly. Is it that I'm his only option and that's why he's no longer interested? My IC says it may be a physical ED issue that he won't admit being his whole "worth" is tied up in his sexuality. Who knows, he's not talking.

Question -- has anyone here seen a swing to the polar opposite in their SA's recovery process? My H did not attend any sort of group, did no reading, no research into SA, does go to IC, but has staunchly refused to discuss the SA possibility, especially since for him, "it's all over."


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
PTRN
♀ Member
Member # 19730
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy, I've read about that, but have not been through it with WH. I cannot remember where I read about the swing to no sex drive--I've read so much these past few weeks--but it seemed fairly common.

I can understand it actually. Not unlike how it can be easier to try and eliminate certain foods rather than enjoy them in moderation. Or how alcoholics usually need to avoid booze entirely to be well.

Food and sex are probably harder in some ways, since those with an addiction need to learn healthy ways of eating or being sexual, rather than avoiding sex entirely.

[This message edited by PTRN at 2:43 PM, July 17th (Thursday)]


Posts: 214 | Registered: Jun 2008
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, he equated "quitting" the sexual aspects with quitting smoking. Which he just did by the way and has been completely smoke free for 10 weeks! Yay! But he does keep saying he wants one but knows if he does, then he'll be back up to 2 packs a day in no time. That he can't "have just one".

I'll just keep watching.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Jim_and_I
♀ New Member
Member # 15390
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy: my husband has done the same thing, sort of. He was put on zoloft for his so-called "depression"; which makes it difficult for him to get an erection. Therefore, VIAGRA! He still can't perform all that well, though. But it doesn't matter 'cause I have no desire to be with him, anyway.

I've just been reading all these posts. I used to be in denial that my WS was an SA but now I'm sure. He's admitted to at least 10 hookers (one of which held him up at knife-point). He also had an LTA with a fellow AA sponsee.

My HUGE problem now is that he blames me...says LTA saved his marriage 'cause he was getting the sex there that he didn't get from me (which I was witholding 'cause I'd found out about the hookers!). He thinks I'm a prude which makes me quite resentful and angry.

If I didn't have 2 kids I'd split immediately. I've been doing the COSA thing and haven't been able to find an S-Anon meeting nearby.

My SAH took the "test" online to see if he was an SA and he says "no, he's not". Please, give me a break.

I'm so bitter and sad.....wish I was financially independent and could just leave.

oh well....


that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger....at least that's the theory!!!

D-Day 1: Nov 2004
D-Day 2: Feb 10, 2007
D-Day3: Oct. 29, 2007
how stupid AM i?
Kids: 2 girls 9 and 12
Married 18 yrs.


Posts: 20 | Registered: Jul 2007
gibbonsrose
♀ Member
Member # 16280
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy, it may be sexual anorexia, "periods where the SA extinguishes all sexual behavior and becomes sex aversive."

Carnes has a great book on the subject: Sexual Anorexia, Overcoming Sexual Self-Hatred.

Per Carnes, common characteristics of sexual anorexics:

* They have a pattern or resistance to anything sexual.
* They continue that pattern even though they know it is self-destructive.
* They will to to extremes to avoid sexual contact or attention, including self-mutilation, distortions of body appearance or apparel, and aversive behavior.
* They have rigid, judgmental attitudes toward their own sexuality and the sexuality of others.
* Their resistance and aversion to things sexual help to manage anxiety and to avoid deeper, more painful life issues.
* They have extreme shame and self-loathing about sexual experiences, their bodies, and sexual attributes.
* Their sexual aversion affects their work, hobbies, friends, and families.
* They obsess about sex so much that it interferes with normal living.
* They may have episodes of sexual bingeing or periods of sexual compulsivity.

My H went through a period of anorexia after slowly escalating acting-out periods. He's been through the ONSs, EAs, PAs, porn, masturbation, and excessive sex with last OW (his personal porn star).

We discovered the SA after I put all the puzzle pieces together (and asked A LOT of questions), and the anorexia was the last puzzle piece.

Your H really needs to see a CSAT. Sexual anorexia is one extreme of the SA spectrum, and tough to beat.


Me - Befuckled
WH - Limber at limbo *sigh*

Posts: 5040 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: mountain transplant
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy, FWH and I have not had sex in about 2 years, since the HB post D-day. I have been incredibly patient as H works this SA stuff out. He readily acknowledges his addiction, no problem. I am finding it very difficult without the physical aspect, not that there was much of any of that for a good decade before the A.

Today a work man at my workplace paid particular attention to this old broad. It felt good. I felt things. That is not good. I will tell H about it. I hate that this may feel like pressure but I am so tired of waiting to feel real intimacy. Real, real tired. Bad week for me!!


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
sad4life
♀ New Member
Member # 10598
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is completely unrelated to anything I've read on here so far, so please forgive me for taking this off-topic. What I'm wondering is...has anyone else got a SA who scammed money from their OW?
I thought discovering all the affairs (long and short-term) and all the internet nonsense were really the worst of it...then I found out from one of the OW that he scammed alot of money from her. He led her to believe he was in the midst of any ugly divorce and child custody battle. He kept telling her that he had to pay attorney fees, etc and that once he could finally get the divorce completed, they'd get married and live the perfect life. Of course, she felt so bad that he was so sad and having such a terrible time that she volunteered to take out loans and mortgage her house (to the tune of $30,000 over the last year). He'd meet her at the bank, kiss her and tell her she was so wonderful for helping him and that it would pay off in the end for her. (She was putting him before her own children and their needs.) Then, he'd come home and tell me about the bonus check he'd gotten, or settlement check for workers' comp (or whatever) to explain the big deposit...and proceed to pay off bills, buy things for our kids and me, and basically, just blow the money. I'm just wondering if this is related to the SA or a completely different sickness that would allow him to do something like that?

Thanks for any thoughts!


Posts: 6 | Registered: May 2006 | From: PA
weepy
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Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 5:04 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

has anyone else got a SA who scammed money from their OW?

No, sad, my H had to keep up appearances so he would never have taken money from her, it was probably the other way around although he says no. I figured it was "hush money".

Look at it this way, maybe it tied into what SHE needed from the relationship at the time. Maybe SHE needed to "rescue" your H from his "horrible" situation.

Thanks for the list gib. I have read some of Carnes' stuff. It fit H during the affair period perfectly, so I was the one who "diagnosed" him. He can't/won't discuss this with his IC (Who I believe is a really terrific therapist IF H would work with him). I see three items on the list that fit him to a T now.

They will to to extremes to avoid sexual contact or attention, including self-mutilation, distortions of body appearance or apparel, and aversive behavior.

His "favorite" aversion behavior is to not shower. He works construction, so he can get pretty ripe, pretty quickly. He would do this during the affair period too to keep me away.

They have extreme shame and self-loathing about sexual experiences, their bodies, and sexual attributes.

He has extreme shame and self-loathing about himself in entirety. And covers it up with a mask of bravado. And a couple times ago, he had some difficulty getting aroused and staying there, so he may have some anxiety brewing in that department too.

Their resistance and aversion to things sexual help to manage anxiety and to avoid deeper, more painful life issues.

Oh yeah. He can use sex and lack of it to try and keep MY focus off his other issues.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
gibbonsrose
♀ Member
Member # 16280
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

has anyone else got a SA who scammed money from their OW?
WH was with LoHo (and others, but LoHo was the steady fix) for 9 months while we were separated and headed to D. He would vent and bitch about his wife constantly: "she's trying to take my kid away from me; now she hired a lawyer - I don't have money for a lawyer! She's bleeding me dry!" You get the drift. In return, he received lots of ego-stroking, "you're so great" comments. AND she loaned him (bribed him?) with $3500 for his divorce lawyer's retainer. WH had intense entitlement issues and thought nothing of accepting the money from someone he had no intention of ever getting serious with. LoHo, I'm sure, thought of it as an investment in her future; pay for the divorce lawyer, get rid of the obstruction to her happiness (the wife), and happily skip down the road to fantasy land.

It was a mutual "usefest", not to mention mutual "fuckfest".

I'm not sure the intent was there on his part to scam her, but the result was the same.

Despicable. On both their parts.


Me - Befuckled
WH - Limber at limbo *sigh*

Posts: 5040 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: mountain transplant
PTRN
♀ Member
Member # 19730
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

J&I, Your husband made a CHOICE to have sex with other people. Particularly he made a selfish choice to have an affair AFTER you (understandably) did not want to have sex with him when you learned about the hookers.

He's trying to shift blame. Not cool.

My WH is not getting any sex. He tries too, but I am insisting on a second clean test from him in addition to several months of marriage and individual counseling before I'll even consider having sex.

Small price for him to pay, IMO.


Posts: 214 | Registered: Jun 2008
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 5:21 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you know he's really getting better? How long until you know whether the R is real or not?


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
newdaysahead
♀ Member
Member # 10467
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy - Sexual Anorexia is another part of SA and shame - think control and out of control. Out of control is the acting out and using. The SA has periods where (while we as the partners do not see it) they know they are out of control, they are shameful and guilt ridden by their own behavior. In reaction they go to the opposite of acting out and over control there behaviors, one of which is sexual anorexia.

They can go through this cycle over and over. It will only stop when they can admit it and seek help.

Trying reading John Bradshaw's Healing the Shame that Binds You.

Love, I have a hard time with this. My H has been in program and sober for 10 months. Just recently, like the last few weeks, I have been able to really see and appreciate his actions. Up til now, I have had myself convinced that what I saw was just another smokescreen. I had to have a little faith to really see his actions.

His words now are more in line with his actions. His actions are now good actions, respectful and kind, they are not selfish, not hurtful, not fake.

It does not happen overnight. It is a progression.


Me BS 39
Him WS 40, SLA,LTA and many other PAs and EAs
M 20 years, now separated



Posts: 396 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: SE PA
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWH and I discussed sexual anorexia this morning. He had never heard the term that he can recall, but he liked it. It describes how he feels. He said that he feels pulled. He is working hard every moment to stay clean, yet he feels guilty for not being intimate with me. But he is having a really hard time separating the two. He has never really known how to make love.

So I promised him I would not pressure him any longer. I broke down a few days ago and told him how much I wanted some intimacy so that just added to his pressure. As long as we have conversations like we just did, I can do that. I never know how he is doing or what he is doing to work on his SA (no group available here), but I just realized he does it when I am not home. He reads from all the books he has. He showed me what he was reading currently. (forget the name of the book but he picked it up when we were on holidays last May). He packed it for his little trip out of town this week. He doesn't read this stuff in front of me, because he says it increases the shame. It's how he is; it's how he thinks. I have to accept that. I have. It was a good morning!


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Newdaysahead, thanks for the explanation.

He's still looking at porn, and I suspect he's been chatting. I guess that's his substitute for looking up escorts?!?!? Admittedly, some of the stuff is extremely disturbing!

He's still paying more attention to me sexually.

As for sexual anorexia, would it apply if the SA was saying there was something wrong with his partner? I don't think he has that just yet, but i'm scared it could go in that direction.

At one point he faked an illness to get out of sex with me. Occasionally he'll use the fact that he's been drinking as a reason for him not to have sex with me.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
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