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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners Of Sex Addicts
Ingrid
♀ Member
Member # 20126
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, October 16th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Birdwatch:

No, I am not pain shopping, rather want to know really what went on between them. He says it was lap dances and a few meals in restaurants, yet I found 5 calls per day on his cell bill for 3 months.

He swears it was not a full-blown sexual affair, that he'd never been to her house, that he swears that's what it was, just the things he told me. The facts just don't add up, so here it is 5 months later, and I still feel I don't know the truth.
Maybe I'll never know.
Our MC says I'll never know, no matter how hard I push him, he won't say anything different than he did at the beginning, and now.

Maybe he is telling the truth. If he hadn't lied and deceived me, I'd be more apt to believe what he tells me, but he lied, deceived at every turn.


Posts: 232 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: L.A. CA
mrsmooch
♀ Member
Member # 14983
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, October 17th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They can delude themselves to think there is but there is not.

Thank you 7 - what you said rings bells. It's over for me and him. But he still keeps telling me it's 'pure' with the OW. But from what I know of it, it's frantic and sexual. The is no day to day connection. She is still with her H and they are off doing hotel nights and porn thrill sex. He's using words about love, about having babies with her - all the same things he said to me when we were first together and now denies. He has never managed real intimacy, and I am seeing glimpses of the insecure and unstable person still. So this A is not fixing him like he said it was. Strange comfort, but there you go.

I can't imagine what will happen if the fantasy actually comes true and she leaves her H for him. I hope it's horrible. So tired of second guessing his behaviour though. He can't hold his job down because he's obsessively texting her but he's blaming his boss and coming to me for affirmation. Which I am giving, because I need to keep him calm. But I"m not letting him back, not after this many betrayals and the brutal manipulation to keep me under control. No can do.


WH - 40
Me - 40
M - 11 years Daughter - 5 yo
D-day1 6th March 2007 D-day2 10th Sept 2008 plus all the others before...
ONS x 2
OEA x 2+ OSA x 12+
EMA x 1 (?)

Like my age, it's time to stop counting.


Posts: 58 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Australia
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, October 17th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrs, SO sorry to hear about your loss.
You deserve so much happiness after all you have accomplished and all those you help every day.


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
happyending
♀ Member
Member # 21009
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, October 17th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, once again, I think i have found yet another forum i sadly belong in. With our first session of MC last week, my WS states he "feels like he has a problem". Upon further questioning, we find out that that problem is an addiction to pornography that he fully admits. Hours he has spent on the computer looking at filth while I was in the other room. He feels like this obsession eventually progressed to him contacting "friends" on myspace, which led to sexual cyber conversations, which led to sexual text messaging, which led to phone sex with at least two women (that I know of). I knew he occ. looked at porn, but I NEVER knew how often and that it was always on his mind. He states he has never had a PA but feels like it was leading up to it. I love him, i really do. But i am concerned because what little i know about this disorder tells me that it is very hard to recover from and there are many relapses. I can't take relapses. I feel like i'm going to always have to be on guard. We went to see Fireproof, and he come home and immediately deleted his Vista account. Now there is only one account, mine, that is password protected.

Posts: 212 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Georgia
Mourning123
♀ Member
Member # 19951
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, October 17th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrs,

I am so, so very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you and your fWH are going through right now.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.


Posts: 372 | Registered: Jun 2008
Mourning123
♀ Member
Member # 19951
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, October 17th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HappyEnding,

Welcome to the group. Sorry you are here, but glad you found this thread as it is very helpful to hear from those who have been on this rollercoaster a little longer than I have.

Your WH sounds like he's owning his problem and seeking help, so that is a very good sign. There are some really good books out there that can help both you and him. The first ones our ICs recommended were False Intimacy for him and Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction for me. We've both read both books and I'm now on to Mending a Shattered Heart.

Your husband needs to find a CSAT to determine if the problem is SA, so he can work on that. Birdwatch and others would say hold off on the MC and focus on IC for both of you once SA is diagnosed (or not diagnosed). You WH also needs to find the support of a group. My WH has made tremendous progress in four months with IC and group counseling. He's made some very close bonds with other men in the same situation and has some really great accountability partners to lean on when things are tough. We are very lucky to have found his IC as he's one of the very few and best in surrounding states.

Others will have more insight from their experiences, but I think the first step that your WH has taken of admiting he has a problem is a really big step!

We're always here if you need us.


Posts: 372 | Registered: Jun 2008
happyending
♀ Member
Member # 21009
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, October 17th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can anyway give me any advice on how to go about finding a CSAT? We live in a small town.

Posts: 212 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Georgia
gibbonsrose
♀ Member
Member # 16280
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, October 17th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh 7yrs...

So, so sorry to hear the news. You and your family are in my thoughts.


Me - Befuckled
WH - Limber at limbo *sigh*

Posts: 5040 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: mountain transplant
Mourning123
♀ Member
Member # 19951
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, October 17th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HappyEnding,

I sent you a PM.


Posts: 372 | Registered: Jun 2008
Mourning123
♀ Member
Member # 19951
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, October 17th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HappyEnding,

I sent you a PM.


Posts: 372 | Registered: Jun 2008
Ingrid
♀ Member
Member # 20126
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, October 17th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is a CSAT??

a certified sex addict therapist?

Think so.

OK.

I think the huge first hurdle is over for this woman,"happyending" whose WS has admitted he has a problem.

That's great. If a man admits this, there is hope.

I think when they deny it, there is no hope, which is where my husband has been and still is. He has said he doesn't need SA, does not have a problem, and that he could have met this stripper girl anywhere and he'd still feel the same, even though she was giving him nude lap dances for a year.

[This message edited by Ingrid at 12:05 PM, October 17th (Friday)]


Posts: 232 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: L.A. CA
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, October 17th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ingrid,

I agree that you do need to know the broad categories of the acting-out. I merely mention "pain shopping" to provide some food for thoughts.

If your WS is not willing to tell the truth about this, it is questionable whether he is actually in recovery. I am not a therapist, and I assume each person and situation is unique, but it took Mr. Birdwatch 2 months to disclose his physcial affairs (on D Day 1, he only admitted to everything else except physical affairs). Now looking back, he did not hit rock bottom on D Day 1; he only hit rock bottom on and after D Day 2. But I agree with you - if it's now 5-6 months out and he is still not coming clean on the basic issues, I am not quite sure what I would do.

May be you can write down all the questions you wish to ask. Then discuss the list with your IC and explore why you are asking those questions, how important the answers are to you and what are you ready to do if you do not receive the answers to certain questions. Thereafter, ask your WS the finalized questions, possibly during MC. Let him know why it is important for you to know and if you are not willing to continue R without certain answers, then I think it would only be fair to let him know.

There are great articles in the Library as well on disclosure.

I am so sorry you are in this situation and please keep us posted.

birdwatch


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, October 17th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7years,

I am so, so sorry that you lost your already beloved baby. I don't think there is any greater pain than losing a child. Please know I'm thinking of you and sending you strength. You're such an incredible force and have such compassion. I ache for you and your husband.

EO


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, October 17th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

happyending,

Sorry you have found yourself here. I am certain you have already received many private messages. Please know that we are all here, sharing our pain, milestones and thoughts.

First, visit your family doctor for all STD tests. Please inform him/her that your WS might have cheated on you. I forgot to mention that the first time I visited my doctor, and she gave me a "reduced" list of tests because my file says I am in a monogamous relationship.

During your visit, ask for a list of CASTs in your area. Your doctor may not know right away and may have to get back to you, but he/she should at least know where to find that information. If he/she refuses to help, then frankly he/she is not a very good doctor.

Mending a Shattered Heart is a great book for a BS, and Out of the Shadow is a valuable resource for a SA. I also recommend After the Affair, which deals with infidelity in general. I recommend reading After the Affair first to receive some general support and guidance, then move onto Mending a Shattered Heart, because Mending a Shattered Heart is specific to parnters of SA and is a little more "intense". Out of the Shadow is intended for a SA so unless you are really prepared for disturbing details, I recommend you to think twice before reading it, if ever.

I pray that you will look after yourself during this very difficult time. Please post as often as you wish.

Birdwatch


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, October 17th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

happyending,

Welcome aboard the crazy train! I'm sorry -- I don't mean to make light of your pain. But this locomotive sure is getting crowded.
Yes, recovering is hard -- harder than I think many of us non-addicts can imagine. However, your husband's candor and acknowledgement of the problem is a very hopeful sign. It sounds as if he recognized how dangerous what he was doing was and that he doesn't want to go down that path. As long as he doesn't minimize the seriousness of his actions...and thoughts...I think he stands a very good chance of recovery.
Yes, a CSAT is a certified Sex Addiction Therapist. At the very least, he should find someone who understands -- truly understands -- sex ADDICTION (not sex therapy -- 2 VERY different things). A 12-step group is another critical component because it not only puts your husband with others who've been where he is, it also reminds him of what he did and what could have happened. And it makes him accountable to someone who can't be fooled.
Hang in there. Keep posting and asking questions. Read the suggested books, which are great resources. You will get through this...


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
Ingrid
♀ Member
Member # 20126
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, October 17th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Keep in mind though, a WS can attend SA meetings and not be in it, in their heart at all, as my WS was. He attended SA meetings for 3-4 months and said "just because you made me do it". The last time he acted out with his "stripper" was on the way home from an SA meeting, if you can believe it!8/19.

Personally, I feel I am through with this crazy cycle. My love for my WS is going fast. And I'm through with him. I am finding I cannot go on any longer with an infidel of a spouse.



Me: BS
Him: WS
Married in the sight and church of God: 18 years, he broke/betrayed his vows
2 teenagers
Trusting in God this and every day, all I can do.

[This message edited by Ingrid at 4:38 PM, October 17th (Friday)]


Posts: 232 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: L.A. CA
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, October 17th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7 yrs.

I have tears pouring down my face as I write this. I am so very sorry for the loss of this sweet hope that you had; a gift for the hard work you have both put in to heal. I wish I could say something comforting, but there is nothing. Losing a child is SO hard no matter when you lose them. It indeed is unfair; really, really unfair!! I'm mad, but I don't know where to direct the anger. It's just not right.

Love,

D.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, October 20th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me and bf got into it a few weeks ago. I started asking him questions-he usually doesn't like that. I asked if he had porn on his computer ( I know he does I'm not stupid). He asked what that had to do with his love for me. Whatever! I knew that was a yes. That distraction doesn't work on me sorry babe. Then I asked if it was ok for me to like variety,too. He said he liked variety and that's why he looked up porn/hookers.

I admit I do kind of push his buttons sometimes. I'm trying to stop leading him into a lie. I could rephrase my questions to be more like, "Why are you looking up X after we've already gone thru this?" instead of "Are you looking up X?" when I know he's gonna like and that makes me even angrier.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
innerstrength
♀ Member
Member # 19540
Default  Posted: 12:09 AM, October 21st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to say thanks to those who reached out to give me advice about this weekend. It was rough for the most part and we got into some arguments about my insecurities and both of us ended up feeling hurt and mad... Not great when you're 3000 miles away for 4 days!

BUT... we were able to clear the air yesterday and my H has been feeling sad lately, like no matter how "good" he's being, I'm never going to trust him again, and how he will always be the a-hole who did this to me. It has really been getting him sad about our future, because he already has issues with his own self esteem... I was always the one giving him encouragement, etc.. And I have really been pretty abrasive about a lot of things because I've been hurting too. (and rightfully so, I think!)

But I also realized something today while I was reading this book I picked up called "the power of kindness"... There are parts that stuck out to me about forgiveness and trust and I posted about it in reconciliation if any of you are interested in reading it.
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=258613

I realized that I have to stick my neck out again if I'm going to be in this relationship. And I can't keep treating my H like the enemy if I want him to be my friend. He's doing everything I have asked him to do and more. He's jumped in to his recovery and feels better about himself than he ever has. He sees a future without all the crap he's been lugging around for decades, and I thought it was time to tell him that I appreciated it.

I actually feel a whole lot better tonight.
Thanks for being there girls... I was checking in all weekend on my blackberry! You guys give me strength!


Me: BS
Him: WS,SA
D-Day #1: 10/22/05
D-Day #2: 4/27/08
In R, LOTS of counseling this time!
I'm finding out day by day how strong I can be... I wish I never had to get to this self-discovery...

Posts: 189 | Registered: May 2008
cer
♀ Member
Member # 1255
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, October 22nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can anybody give me advice on the 180 with a probable SA who doesn't admit it? I've moved to the extra bedroom and am trying to detach, but I'm confused about where I go from here.

I'm not telling him anything because he verbally attacks me if I express dissatisfaction with the "R". I guess I just feel like I'm spinning my wheels. I am trying to decide how to proceed, but I don't want to make any more empty threats.


Divorced after 26 yrs of marriage and a decade of infidelity. Thank God it's finally over.

Posts: 94 | Registered: Mar 2003
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