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User Topic: Spouses/Partners Of Sex Addicts
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, November 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you to everyone who has responded to my prevous extra long post. I cannot believe I felt for a moment that I was alone - until I read Eternaloptimist's reassurance that she has been in similar/same situations as well.

I have two further general questions:

1. Do you tell your partner what is discussed in your individual counselling session and vice versa? Mr. Birdwatch went to counselling this morning, and when I asked him afterwards how it went, he said he had enough talking for a week and does not want to talk. I mean I can't force it out of him, right. I may be taking this personally, but him not telling me things get me on edge.

2. If you are on anti-depressant, do you mind sharing the short term and long term effects? I heard in the first month, side effects may include dry mouth, nausea, headache, decrease in sex drive. Is that true? How severe are the symptoms? And do you really feel "better" in the long run? I do not understand how a pill can make you "happy" if something "bad" happens?


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, November 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Newtwood,

Thanks for the hug. It meant so much!

In response to your question, I think previously, whenever someone has affairs, it's just that, someone has multiple/serial affairs. Think of our great grand parents' generation, we call them home wreckers / players, etc. I think it is only recently that sex addiction, like all other addictions (gambling, alcohol, video gaming), etc., is recognized and discussed. I also think Hollywood has both played a desirable and an undesirable role in making sex addiction more known by the public.


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
innerstrength
♀ Member
Member # 19540
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, November 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lisa P-
Good Luck on the house... It sounds like you are taking a step in the right direction for you and your kids... Good luck with everything and (maybe?) your H will see what he's lost and really seek help... Just keep remembering that you are staying true to yourself and your kids by doing what's best for you.

(((Birdwatch)))-
Sorry about what happened. I, too, have been there, done that... Unfortunately they think that if it's not brought up, they are protecting us. They feel like if they "do the right thing", it shouldn't matter if we know or not...

Unfortunately, it matters to us!

About the IC sessions... at first, my H was reluctant to talk to me about them- I would ask, and he would say things like "I wish you were just in there and you could hear it, so I don't have to keep going over and over it again!"

I started to realize that it wasn't that he was hiding anything, but that it's a pretty painful process and sometimes he really didn't want to rehash it with me after he just got out of there.

I learned to back off a little and let him share when he wanted to. At first, I thought I'd never learn anything, but slowly, as time went by, I'd only ask "How'd it go?" and he will now tell me about the entire session. I know you are eager to learn about what he's doing... (I explained to my H that it helps me to know that he's dealing with this head on, and helps ME to recover) But I also learned that if I backed off a little, he felt safer to come and give me pieces of what he had learned when he was ready. Very hard to do, I know... but try and not take it personally. He may open up as time goes on.

Good luck to all of us... I know we certainly need it!


Me: BS
Him: WS,SA
D-Day #1: 10/22/05
D-Day #2: 4/27/08
In R, LOTS of counseling this time!
I'm finding out day by day how strong I can be... I wish I never had to get to this self-discovery...

Posts: 189 | Registered: May 2008
newday2day
♀ Member
Member # 21318
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, November 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. Do you tell your partner what is discussed in your individual counselling session and vice versa? Mr. Birdwatch went to counselling this morning, and when I asked him afterwards how it went, he said he had enough talking for a week and does not want to talk. I mean I can't force it out of him, right. I may be taking this personally, but him not telling me things get me on edge.

2. If you are on anti-depressant, do you mind sharing the short term and long term effects? I heard in the first month, side effects may include dry mouth, nausea, headache, decrease in sex drive. Is that true? How severe are the symptoms? And do you really feel "better" in the long run? I do not understand how a pill can make you "happy" if something "bad" happens?

I don't tell WH what is discussed in my IC mostly because it's about me, my feelings, and what I need. And a lot of it is discussing how disgusted I am by his behaviour. He always wants to know and seem so to get snippy when I won't tell him but I think that's my time. I would be totally ok if he went to see someone but he won't so that's a non-issue.

Antidepressants. I've been on a lot throughout my life. I'm currently on Celexa and it made me nausious for the first couple of weeks but I take it with dinner so it seems to be minimized and I sleep through most of the symptoms (I think). I have noticed a decreased sex drive but I think that has more to do with Mr. Newday2day's actions and our life right now.

I can tell you that Paxil made me crazy after a while. And I had NO sex drive on it.

(((hugs))) to everyone. I've been super busy at work today and unable to post much.


BS 31
WS 36
Married 9/1/07
D Day #1 1/21/08 - personals ad response
D Day #2 5/15/08 - created 2 personals ads
D Day #3, 4, & 5 10/08 - personals ad response, phone sex, calling escort services
Newest D-Day 1/1/2010 - Will it ever end? This tim

Posts: 95 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Michigan
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, November 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey birdwatch,

I echo what innerstrength said re. talking to my husband about his IC sessions and his group meetings. If I pressed, he'd hardly tell me anything. But if I asked something that he perceived as not demanding (eg. "do you feel okay after your meeting?") I'd be more inclined to hear more. I have told him that knowing what he's dealing with helps me trust that he's not just putting in time, but really trying to get to the root of his issues, which bodes better for us. As time went on, I didn't need to hear so much. Now he'll often volunteer info...

re. meds. I didn't really experience any of the side effects. I have developed hives (nice huh??) and wondered if they were related, even though they developed a few months after I started. I switched to a different AD just in case and the hives haven't gone away. And re. sex drive. I'm going through a stage where I'm feeling nothing for my husband (I'm hoping it's just a stage and not a way of life ) so I've had no sex drive. And -- TMI, I'm sure -- I've had my period for the past 4 weeks (coincidentally the same length of time I've had these damn hives) so haven't exactly felt amorous, between being "itchy and bitchy".
And it's not so much that you'll feel "happy" as you'll be able to cope with whatever emotions you feel. ADs keep you feeling competent, not "happy" -- like you can trust your ability to survive. They give you strength, as opposed to actually alter your mood.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
Newtwood
♀ Member
Member # 21154
Default  Posted: 3:16 AM, November 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a little update from me. I'm coping. I still have good days and bad. I read somewhere on SI about someone who was just tired-of snooping, reasoning, looking for something,-they didn't even know what it was they were looking for. I thought to myself THAT is exactly how I feel!

So yesterday I told my WH I had 3 more questions (which he answered) and how tired I was of searching for the elusive why or reason and I was just going to stop with the questions; because truthfully, he has given me everything but the gory details (some, the rest I don't want to know).

I feel better about this. We can talk about it without the hysterics. He always hugs me and tells me he's sorry (several times a night). He has not been online except for emails (legit ones) and work. He says he feels better not looking at porn online. He isn't tense and aggrivated like he was when he was into the heavy use of it. He says he feels more relaxed and feels better than he's felt in years! He said he did receive an email on his old acct. (that he used for his "activity") from a she-male wondering why he hadn't been in contact (online) anymore. His attraction to them disgusts me but I hear it's quite common for straight guys to have an interest in she-males(?)

Anyway he said he deleted the email without responding but he did have the urge to web-chat with them again. He realizes he can't ever look at porn again, especially online, he told me the web/cyber sex was like the ultimate high (next to having real sex) for him and he knows he's addicted and knows now he would just take it further and further. He admitted he is an addict and he's been substituting one addiction for another for years-overeating, spending money, work, sex etc. He's done well so far considering we're on our own here. He's gone cold turkey.

I still wish we could find a counselor here. I know the French in general kind of turn a blind eye to this sort of thing (SA-addicted to sex-that's a good thing isn't it? HA HA Pepe lePew laugh) and anything mental health related is poo-pooed or not talked about. Maybe they just stick them up in the bell towers of Notre Dame I don't know! I don't know if he would open up to a counselor (he doesn't want to talk about the A anymore-he's the King of Sweep-It-Under-the-Rug-and-It-Will-Go-Away...ness!)I think it would benefit him to maybe understand what's behind it and some ways I could cope and deal with it. Anyone have any good ideas from therapy?

So that's my "little" update that turned into a long-winded one. Any insights, suggestions, and hugs are deeply appreciated!

Trying to R (in a lot of ways) including R for RECOVER.


Faithful Wife of 24+ yrs: Me
WS: Him
OW(s): AFF Skanks/GRANDMOTHERS!!!

Status: Struggling Everday to
Survive

what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another-Anatole France


Posts: 2181 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: North Carolina
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, November 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((newtwood)))))


He isn't tense and aggrivated like he was when he was into the heavy use of it

Wow. I can tell when my partner is viewing because he is shorter tempered with me.

I contacted yahoo personals about my partners behavior.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
WantingtheTruth
♀ Member
Member # 20889
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, November 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have read the posts from those of you whose husband's are remorseful and are trying to make amends even thought they are giving you the truths in small bites. I wish that I could have gotten some truth, any truth, from my spouse that might have helped me understand what was happening. Is it normal to want to know how far back, how long, one has lived in a world of someone else's secrets?

What is making me crazy is having to get what truths I can myself from old trails. I am getting snapshots of the truth but I will never get the whole picture. I feel that I could more effectively start healing if my spouse were able to tell any truths or appear to feel any remorse. After 5 months I realize this is not going to happen but I still keep hoping that he will feel something like remorse and recognize the destruction he has left in the wake of his words and actions.

I spent 4 months praying for a miracle that explained everything and made it go away. Now I just pray for peace in my heart and my head. How long until I do not still experience the emotional attachment and the hurt that comes from loving someone for 20 years? While in the divorce process, I know my husband is still making inappropriate contacts with others and it just feels like the betrayal is never ending and the pain is still fresh.

I want to wake up one morning and go to bed one night that this nightmare is not my first and last thought with hours of pain and regret in between.


The truth is easy to remember.
BW, 53, Divorcing WH
WH, 49, No truths, in denial
Married 14 years, together 20 years. Who is this man?

Posts: 91 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Georgia
innerstrength
♀ Member
Member # 19540
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, November 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Newtwood)))
I'm glad that your H realizes he has a problem. I'm sorry that there are no resources that you have been able to find in France.

I remembered something that I found while I was doing my own research on the topic of SA and I came across the website of Joe Zylchik- A recovered SA who is a counsellor and does sessions over the phone. He does not believe in the 12 steps however, and that's a huge difference with him and all the leading experts on SA. BUT- I thought if you've got nowhere to turn for help, at least it might be a starting point for your H to talk to someone about it. You can get Skype, or other online phone services for your computer and it wouldn't be outrageous to talk to this guy for phone sessions. (We have not tried him, but I thought I'd give you any info I had)I have no idea what it costs, but you can contact him directly. His website is http://www.sexualcontrol.com/contact-begin.html

Again, He does not endorse the 12 step program, and that goes against the traditional treatment program for this addiction. (His story is on the website)

Maybe it would work for you guys. He can't do this on his own. Unfortunately that won't work with an addict.

Take care and good luck.


Me: BS
Him: WS,SA
D-Day #1: 10/22/05
D-Day #2: 4/27/08
In R, LOTS of counseling this time!
I'm finding out day by day how strong I can be... I wish I never had to get to this self-discovery...

Posts: 189 | Registered: May 2008
newday2day
♀ Member
Member # 21318
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, November 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((WantingtheTruth)))

How long did it take you decide you couldn't deal with it any more? My WH is in complete denial and is not remorseful at all. Matter of fact he still thinks I'm over analyzing things and so I've stopped talking to him about it.

Mind you I'm only 3 weeks out today so everything is still very raw.

Does anyone else feel numb? I found when I was in my first IC session on Tuesday that I almost told my story in the third person as if it didn't happen to me. Basically there was no emotion there. Is this common? I wonder if I'm going to back to my old ways of just letting it go and forgetting it ever happened. I know I cannot do this again but I fear it is already starting to happen.


BS 31
WS 36
Married 9/1/07
D Day #1 1/21/08 - personals ad response
D Day #2 5/15/08 - created 2 personals ads
D Day #3, 4, & 5 10/08 - personals ad response, phone sex, calling escort services
Newest D-Day 1/1/2010 - Will it ever end? This tim

Posts: 95 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Michigan
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, November 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow -- lots of activity on this site.

Newtwood,

I'm glad you're feeling better. I think it's so easy for us to hand over our power to external things. IF we just had all the info, IF our spouse would just stop visiting sites, IF... Once you take back control, you do feel better. It sounds as if your husband has discovered the same thing. I'm sure he feels better because he's controlling his urges rather than the other way around. That's intoxicating in itself...to actually be in control of ourselves and making healthy choices.
In the absence of counselling or 12-step groups, I would suggest reading whatever you can about SA (Carnes is fantastic -- his daughter Stefanie's book, if you haven't already read it, would be a good place for you to start) and for your husband too. The more you both understand about the addiction, the less power it will have.

Wanting the truth,
I'm so sorry you're stil mired in all the mess. For your own sanity, you may just have to accept that the truth isn't going to come anytime soon...or at all. Try and take care of yourself. I'm thinking of you.

Newday,

YES. I feel numb still -- almost two years out from DDay #1. I hate it. I wondered if it was the meds, but I talked with my IC last week and she suggested it's just that I'm so sad, I bury it because it's overwhelming. I burst into tears right then. I lost my mom in the midst of all this too, so I really felt as though my world was crumbling. My husband (the one I THOUGHT I had) and my mom were my two best friends. I lost both in a matter of weeks. So I push a lot of pain down in order to get through the day. I'm trying to make a point of letting it out bit by bit.
Do you write your feelings down? I often find that I think I'm feeling "fine" (ie. numb) but once I start writing, my real feelings surface. I think numb is a survival skill. Honestly, how many of us would be able to get up, do our jobs, raise kids, etc. if we truly experienced every bit of pain we're facing through all this? I think our bodies, in their wisdom, protect us a certain amount from an onslaught of emotion but we have to be careful that "numb" doesn't become a way of life. That we find a safe place to express those feelings that are assuredly there...but buried.

Gotta go. Crazy-busy and off on holiday next week. Will likely not be checking in but I hope you can all hang in there -- I wish you hope and healing and, dare I say it??, happiness!!


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
newday2day
♀ Member
Member # 21318
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, November 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FYI... I got my STD test results today (other than my HIV) and I'm all clear.

Thank God!


BS 31
WS 36
Married 9/1/07
D Day #1 1/21/08 - personals ad response
D Day #2 5/15/08 - created 2 personals ads
D Day #3, 4, & 5 10/08 - personals ad response, phone sex, calling escort services
Newest D-Day 1/1/2010 - Will it ever end? This tim

Posts: 95 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Michigan
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, November 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ladies,

Thank you for all your responses. I was feeling very alone and not being understood. Thank you very much for your support and reassurances. My counsellor says that for me to appreciate that I am not alone, and that there are people who are going through the same things and will not judge me is an important part of recovery.

If anyone has any further insight on anti-depressants, please do share.

There are quite a lot of new posts. I only have time to respond to Newtwood but will get to the others tomorrow. Hang in there!

Newtwood,

It is normal to want to "dig". While our partners have been engaged in inappropriate activities for months or years, we usually only have a moment from discovery to having to absorb the enormity of the situation. While our partners have all the information, we have none. We are shocked and want to know more.

In addition, our desire to dig and know more also stems from our feeling of lack of control. We feel a terrible thing/wrong has happened to us, which we are not responsible for, which we know nothing about, and which we have no control to stop or prevent. We are under a mis-guided belief that we can re-gain control over our lives and the situation by knowing more. Unfortunately, as you already know, this digging may simply be "pain shopping" and do us no good.

Having said all that, I do believe there are general things we need to know, just not the details. And I qualify that by saying each of us is different in our need to know more. For me, I think I am entitled to know the categories of mis-behaviours (e.g. texing? cybersex? meetings? dating? sex? prostitutes? etc.). However, there is no point knowing the sexual positions they were in or they "did it" at the back seat of a car. Thank you, and no thank you, don't need to know that.

Once you know the details, they will replay in your head like an endless loop. Been there done that. I cannot ever in my life forget some of the text exchanges and pictures.

Have you read "After the Affairs"? It is a book on infidelities in general, and I find it extremely comforting and informative. You can get it from amazon.com.

I am sorry I do not know the counselling situation in France. Just wish you to know that you are not alone. Though I am half way around the world in Canada, you are in my thoughts.

birdwatch

[This message edited by birdwatch at 4:38 PM, November 6th (Thursday)]


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, November 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anybodys spouse have issues with the possible issues with insurance and being labeled an SA? Spouse is concerned about his insurance rates increasing.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
WantingtheTruth
♀ Member
Member # 20889
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, November 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Newday2day

How long did it take you decide you couldn't deal with it any more?

I did not get the chance to make any decisions. He left me, said cruel things to me like I was of no value to our family, that he had done everything right in our marriage, that my problems were "a backhoe compared to his a teaspoon...so many other just downright cruel things.

I had no idea for two months after he left me about any of his other activites. I just could not figure out what happened and why I had no idea, no warning that he was so unhappy and had been planning to leave. He had lost his brother about a year ago, his dad had been diagnosed with cancer. I had every clue that there were problems, even clues of his betrayals, his going outside of our marriage, but I misread them. I assumed his harshness in dealing with me during this time was actually the result of some level of depression over the family issues. I sucked it up and did not make issue because this seemed like the thing that a caring spouse would do during difficult times.

Numb is the feeling that comes before the storm of emotions. It is the time when you are coming to the truth, the realities, but are not yet accepting them. Yes, numb is normal. Get ready for the roller coaster, the swings in emotions. These, too, are normal and just when you think you have that licked, something triggers and the emotions come again.

I am 5 months into this, first finding 1 woman, then finding the trails of 3 women, then calls to escorts, bills to massage parlors, charges for on-line sex chats/porn. It took me 4 months to realize which forum I needed to be reading and posting in. Until then, I kept waiting for him to show remorse, to realize the pain and destruction he had caused this family by his betrayal. Now I know he will never admit or even accept he may have a problems. He believes the words he says and feels he is justified and has hurt no one as long as no one knows and he never tells. he does not know what I know since we are no longer in contact. He is going on with his new life he started months, maybe years before, and I am caught in the wave of discovery and destruction, trying to heal and get through each day and the divorce to start my life on my terms.


The truth is easy to remember.
BW, 53, Divorcing WH
WH, 49, No truths, in denial
Married 14 years, together 20 years. Who is this man?

Posts: 91 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Georgia
somer222
♀ Member
Member # 21377
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, November 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am no longer a spouse of a sex addict, but I am an ex spouse. My deepest, deepest sympathies to everyone here who was or is married to a SA.

My ex had this problem for many years but when we dated and got engaged, he pretended to be so innocent. I believed him. He was very convincing and I didn't suspect a thing.

I found out after five years of marriage when a stripper/prostitute called me in March and told me he was psycho and for him to leave her alone. She told me there were "others".

He admitted to a four month affair with this stripper/prostitute. He said she was blackmailing him for a large sum of money and if he could have gotten that money without me noticing it, he would have given it to her and I never would have found out.

I went through the cell bill and found there was another stripper/prostitute he was carrying on with as well. I believe that was just the tip of the iceberg. He lied about that one.

At first he went to a few SAA meetings. But he then slipped into his dark life again. One of his assignments for SAA was to write an essay on his life and experiences.

He was very proud of this and showed it to me. I nearly got sick. He was obviously very amused with the subject of his sex life and his experiences and he bragged about it and all of the beautiful women he had been with. The theme was constant. He was the innocent man and all of these beautiful women were throwing themselves at him.

He was very much looking forward to sharing this essay with his SA group. I don't know if he ever went back to SAA as he was very secretative.

We separated not long after discovery day and he immediately signed up for every online website for dating, including adult friend finder, etc. He posted his pictures as well.

I hate to admit this, but he had a tendency to use the same password and I did access his account and found by reading his emails that he had been averaging three to four new sexual conquests per week after he left. All the while he was trying to get me to reconcile with him.

Some of the women he used for sex were absolutely devastated when they found out he didn't want a relationship with them. He comes off as such a nice and sincere man. These women couldn't believe he had used them. These were women from the traditional dating websites.

I'm glad I read all of the emails, even though it was wrong for me to do this. It gave me the information I needed to understand who he really was and that he was very far gone in his SA.

I still don't understand what causes SA, but his brother has it as well. They have both completely messed up their lives and the lives of their wives and children as a result.

That's my story - at least most of it. I hope everyone here finds their way through this experience and that you find peace.


Posts: 1311 | Registered: Oct 2008
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, November 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((somer222))))

Some of the women he used for sex were absolutely devastated when they found out he didn't want a relationship with them. He comes off as such a nice and sincere man. These women couldn't believe he had used them. These were women from the traditional dating websites.

Wow, hits home. I caught my partner going to Yahoo personals and checking out women in various areas. I'm sure he'll tell me he wasn't planning anything.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
Newtwood
♀ Member
Member # 21154
Default  Posted: 2:11 AM, November 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to say congrats to newday2day-not really a nice thing to congrat on but hey it's good news-I should get my results on Saturday.

Thank you to Birdwatch. You got me down on the digging and it's totally true-which is why I stopped. I had to, or go completely nuts. I want to move forward just for me. I want to feel in control of me-not him or us. That part is up to him. The us part is workable with me. The him-he needs to get his help-I can only give him suggestions.


Faithful Wife of 24+ yrs: Me
WS: Him
OW(s): AFF Skanks/GRANDMOTHERS!!!

Status: Struggling Everday to
Survive

what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another-Anatole France


Posts: 2181 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: North Carolina
newday2day
♀ Member
Member # 21318
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, November 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Newtwood it was a tremendous relief. Good luck, I will be praying for you.

lovedontlivehere,

My WH always says he had no intentions of meeting these women. HA! Then why do it? Especially prostitutes and contacting women through personals. Idiot!
_____

Last night my WH and I discussed (once again) him getting me his last 4 months worth of bank statements. He told me quote "get off my ASS". That pissed me off. I was reminding him since he was going to the bank today. He claims he told me he was having them mailed to me. DAMN HIM! He's always trying to make me feel like I'm crazy! I hate him!

We proceeded to argue (not so good at the 180) and he told me throughout the argument "we'll see if you get those bank statements now" I finally said "we'll see if I don't file for divorce tomorrow". I'm so mad that I allowed him to push me that far! I've been trying so hard to do the 180.

He also told me I was SELFISH! Idiot! I screamed (and I mean screamed) "I'm the selfish one??" I was pissed by this statement.

He asked my (again) why I wanted the bank statements. I told him to see if he lied to me (which I know he did because he told me spent $20 in total which is not even possible considering how many calls there were). He said we'll I'm sure it's more then $20. I said see... that's what I need FULL DISCLOSURE!

We'll see if he gets it. We argued on and off all night and I ended my night and started my day today hating him! I hate him so much.

I'm not so numb today because of our argument yesterday but it still doesn't feel very real these days.


BS 31
WS 36
Married 9/1/07
D Day #1 1/21/08 - personals ad response
D Day #2 5/15/08 - created 2 personals ads
D Day #3, 4, & 5 10/08 - personals ad response, phone sex, calling escort services
Newest D-Day 1/1/2010 - Will it ever end? This tim

Posts: 95 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Michigan
Ingrid
♀ Member
Member # 20126
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, November 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YES, I feel numb, and I am numb.

I am betrayed, shocked, astounded at the secret life my husband has been leading for 20 years now. As we have a family, children, and a life together, it's not all that easy, as some tell me to do, just pick up and leave him, and move on. I am not a woman who easily thinks this way. I am someone who sticks to the committment I made to God, to my marriage vows, etc.

I feel we all need to think all to carefully when considering what to do, how to respond, with our SA spouses. I have learned though it is NOT acceptable for them to not be in treatment and just live as if nothing were wrong. For it IS wrong, it's a sin, it disrupts family life, and yes, SA does cause harm. I feel all us women, need to act, but not necessarily to divorce.

I know for me, my husband's abuse of me through his SA, whether it be porn, on and off, strippers, on an off, has gotten finally to the crucial point in our life where it has to be faced. Either he chooses to be in treatment, or that's the end. I will have him thrown out, via a restraining order. An untreated full-on addict not choosing treatment is just too painful for me to live in any longer. My love for him is WHY I am insisting on his active treatment.

Question:

He's openly admitted going to strippers is simply not OK, but he has said, he feels it's perfectly OK to access porn, once in a while. I think NO IT"S NOT OK. IT HAS NO PLACE IN A MARRIAGE. IT IS OUTRIGHT BETRAYAL. WHAT DOES A WIFE DO IF THEIR HUSBAND SAYS THIS? Would like to know someone's advice on how to proceed with this one? It seems as though he's trying to see just how much he can get away with, and have me put up with it.


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