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Newest Member: Depressed4ever (43230)

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User Topic: Spouses/Partners Of Sex Addicts
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 12:42 AM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GAH! You guys wait until I'm working and can't respond and get all chatty! LOL

I have about a million things to say and I'm just too tired tonight and I have to work again tomorrow. (Normally I work at home but I'm working for a friend to earn some Christmas money. The job is more physical than sitting at a computer all day and it's kicking my butt! LOL)

You all should expect a gigantic post from me tomorrow night. :D

Keep up the great dialog everyone! I'm thrilled to see the thread so active. (Obviously not thrilled we're all in this situation. But that we have such a great supportive and active community. That is a very good thing.)

7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
invictus
♀ Member
Member # 21623
Default  Posted: 1:10 AM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay. Now let me get this straight.

I was supposed to be watching him like a hawk to make sure he was honoring NC. Found out he broke NC and more or less resolved that with the concequence if he does it again, we're separating. In the course of resolution of that I learn he's been having affairs for MUCH longer than I would have ever dreamed. Then again when I look back -- sure enough -- it is when I started getting depressed and feeling things were just not quite RIGHT anymore.

So NOW I read that I'm supposed stop policing him and just let him go? Hey, that's fine with me, I'm done with him after the things I found out tonight. I don't really want to divorce or separate households right now because things are tight and going to get tighter.

I have no problem being "housemates" but we will stop sharing a bedroom very soon. I simply cannot imagine ever having intimacy with him again

Anyway. For me, it's time to divide the finances; inventory the household; save for the future and just hope we don't have any huge battles. We've NEVER had any huge battles -- but buster, if he cheats or falls off the wagon or whatever it's called, ... Look Out!

"i"


♥ One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz

Posts: 1856 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Texas
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:16 AM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh mrsmooch ---NO NO NO! It is soooo not you!!!

I am somewhat new at this, but at this point have hundreds of hours into studying and learning about this addiction, so I do feel confidant enough to let you know --sounds like your WS also have a "love addiction". They look for new relationships a lot to fill that emptiness inside them. Google in "love addiction" and read up on a couple of the sites--I think you will find your WS there.

A lot of times SA and LA are combined. Many addicts have more than one addiction. They are so desperate to fill that empty void inside, whatever it takes. And every new mate is "THE ONE". He may be happy now, he is still high, but it will wear off. And he may try to make this one work for a long time, but if he doesn't get some professional help, eventually he will start acting out again.

Please remember, it is not you!!!


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14918 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow this thread really exploded.

I'm trying not to check up on him so much. I've never gone in his e-mail, although I did try to check his phone records.

I started reading Don't Call it Love. The more I read the less crazy I feel. Dr. Carnes said that SA's go into a stupor. OMG I've been saying that for the longest-he goes into a whore-induced stupor. You can call him all you want, he won't respond. If you call him at 8 he might call you back by 2. Maybe. He's just in another world.

Well, here's a harbinger-To make a long story short, partner is wondering why I won't allow him to go to revue (we're going to Vegas today). He said he'd allow me to go to one.

Is he serious, after all we've been thru this year, and he wonders why I don't want him to go to a revue? I think he thinks it's annoying when I'm naked, and it doesn't nothing for him. I could walk by naked or half naked and get 0 response (it wasn't always like that) , so he does he think I'll feel if he goes to a revue???

ETA: I do think I'm getting better. I can now realize that he can be an SA and still have love for me. His sex addiction has nothing to do with me. If he ever asks again, I can say his porn usage has nothing to do with his love for me, but it does affect our relationship.

Ok, there are a few more books i want to read.

I want to finish Don't Call it Love

also: 12 Steps for Codependents (Beattie)

Sexual Anorexia

In the Shadows of the Net

[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 8:15 AM, December 3rd (Wednesday)]


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! Such an explosion on this thread. Hey Invictus, welcome. Glad you took me up on my invite on JFO.

So much to respond to. But for now I wanted to post this for mrsmooch.

If you think that your H is not acting out with these women, you are so wrong. I guarantee he is doing the same things he was doing when he was with you.

My FWH said he quit looking at porn for about a month when he started the A. Just talking with her on the computer gave him his fix. And it was not dirty talk at all. His SA was being met by this new relationship.

However, after a month or so with her, he started 'using' again. And it even escalated he tells me. Partly from the guilt he figures but also partly because he was simply escalating with this A. He also thinks the disappointment that this A was not doing it for him any longer had some impact.

[This message edited by 1Forward1Back at 8:32 AM, December 3rd (Wednesday)]


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lovedontlivehere,
I really liked Don't Call it Love too. I highlighted a lot of passages from there. I am also doing one of Beattie's books on codependency at the moment. Again, I am highlighting a lot.

invictus,
I think it's healthy that you feel so angry or determined at least, right now. It sounds as if you are detaching yourself from your SA quite nicely.

I understand your confusion with the advice you get on this board. If it is simply an A, without SA, you do have to check more vigilantly to make sure NC is not broken.

D-Day for me was all about the A. The SA, although we both recognized the connection, was not even on my grief radar. I had to work through the whole idea of my H having real feelings for another woman. It took almost 2 years, really, for me to understand how SA was at the forefront of all of this.

It was at that point that my reaction had to be different than if it was 'just an A'.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1F1B, I finished Codependent No More. I really liked the exercises. I realize I have a lot to work on esp. in terms of what I believe about anger!

It feels good that I am focusing more on myself and expanding my knowlege base.

I also have False Intimacy.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
OurLifeBack
♀ Member
Member # 10620
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A few comments, then I need some answers and support!

"I" - some of the best advice I received was to not make any major decisions for at least a year. Do what you need to do to protect yourself. I do think you going to dog & house sit without him is a really good idea - it will give you some space.

"MrsMooch" - I jump on the band wagon with all the rest. It is so not you! He will revert to the old patterns. Just a matter of time.

On the reading: I just finished "Mending a Shattered Heart": by Stephanie Carnes. Excellent. They do recommend "Sexual Anorexia" - say it has great information about 'healthy' sexuality. Off to order now!

And now my dilemma:

I came here yesterday because I did check his gmail account. I don't do this often anymore - I am not as obsessed as I once was.

My husband has a problem with flirting with other women = making inappropriate comments and such. I have told him that this is NOT alright with me -- it is one of my boundaries, and by continuing, he is being disrespectful to ME. I find it quiet embarrassing, actually.

SO - he had flirted with this girl. We had had a few rows about it. She has NOT flirted back.

Yesterday when I checked his gmail, there was a note from her. Pretty much a business note.

Today, it is GONE. And it is not in his trash.

My dilemma: I have no idea if he was flirty or not - doesn't matter. What matters is the SECRET.

He continues to only disclose what he thinks I already know under the guise of 'not wanting to hurt me.' Why, oh why, do they just not get that as long as there are secrets, trust will never be rebuilt?

I know I should let him fight his issues and I should work on me....and I know that the checking up on him really sends me into a tail spin (someone mentioned red light behaviors!) so I should quit.

What would any of you do with this?

My inclination is to ask him to read the paragraph in the book about this typical behavior and about secrets - then see if he addresses...

So tired.


Me: BS 50 Him: WS 46 Married 15 years / Together 19
DDay: 4/28/06 & many more after that -- there are still a lot of blanks & I dread the telling
01/28/08 - renewed EA with OW. SA confirmed. Taking a time out.
06/13/08 - discovered EA with OW#2.

Posts: 1141 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Florida / Chicago - Whatever!
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OurLifeBack,

I'm sorry he's doing that.

I think I will go order Sexual Anorexia right now,too!

He continues to only disclose what he thinks I already know under the guise of 'not wanting to hurt me.' Why, oh why, do they just not get that as long as there are secrets, trust will never be rebuilt?

Not much advice, but my partner is like that,too. He was lie and deny all he has to to protect his supply and keep secrets. It does make trusting so much harder to do.

[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 9:07 AM, December 3rd (Wednesday)]


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
hope4tomorrow
♀ Member
Member # 21673
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, my husband does that, too. Says he's trying to protect me. That is why even when I asked if he ever did anything physical while out of town, he always said no. I hate that.

I don't want to police him. But I don't trust him.

I just really hate this rollercoaster ride. When I am with him, it's like I can pretend that nothing happened. When he's at work, I'm devastated all the time. I am so sad and miserable that he could actually cheat on me that way.

He's given me no reason to think that he's acting out right now. But I just don't trust him. I hate this.

I really hope that this gets better because I really can't live my life this way. I know that I shouldn't make any decisions right now, but it would be so much easier to walk away in some regards.

I think I need to do some working on me. I think I'll order that book Mending a Shattered Heart and do the partner stuff on recoverynation.com. Enough wallowing and just try to make me a better me.


Me BW
Him WH-SA
Married 12 years
3 Beautiful girls 8 and under

Posts: 346 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's much talk lately about "policing" our spouse and knowing they'll lie if confronted.
While it's hard to offer up a one-size-fits-all solution since all our circumstances vary (ie. some spouses are in recovery; others, denial), the overwhelming issue is power -- as in giving it away when we rely on someone else's actions, words, etc. to determine how we feel. When you take that focus OFF the partner and put it back on you, when you determine what behaviour you will or won't tolerate, when you determine clear consequences and boundaries that you will enforce, you feel empowered. You're focusing on you and what you need to feel safe and respected. When you're chasing after the "truth", you're completely disempowered.
Do NOT trust anyone until they're in recovery and being transparent. Protect yourself and let them know that you're protecting yourself. Like others, I was unaware that my husband was SA and acting out our entire relationship. I did, however, know that -- at times -- things didn't feel right or healthy. If you feel that things aren't right for you, respect that feeling and figure out what you need to do for yourself.
I think the confusion arises when we're looking for reassurance from THEM that we're safe. It's hard for them to give that to us at times because they're hanging on by their fingernails. I've said before that dealing with infidelity with an SA subscribes to a different set of rules than others on this site. They often can't be there for us because they're dealing with so much on their end. Asking them to meet our needs is still worth asking...but don't be surprised if they can't do it initially.
Hang in there, everyone. Hope I've made some sense here...I'm kinda rambling.

[This message edited by Eternaloptimist at 1:55 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday)]


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
OurLifeBack
♀ Member
Member # 10620
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay - after spending my morning on this I realize that I have GOT to stop! This is what being a co-addict is about -- letting his problems rule MY life. I must do some things for me.

I have written the follwing letter to him. My plan is to leave it at the house as I will be out this evening. I would really appreciate any comments.

********************
Dear FWH,

I am so very tired. I often feel as if I am the only one in this game.

I think about our session with Dr. X on January 2nd last year where you said what you wanted from our relationship was: honesty, integrity, trust and emotional intimacy. I think I still have the notes somewhere as it was important for me to work on giving you what you wanted. But I wonder, when are you going to start doing your part?

Last night I asked you to read the chapter in my book on Couples. You dismissed it. This was and is important to me. I had hoped it would spark some healthy discussion. I am not sure you ever completed the book on Forgiveness I asked you to read. That was important to me as well. And although I know reading is not your thing, I wish you would try.

Today, I ordered several more books for me. I am trying so very hard to let go of you and your stuff, but it is hard to let you continue down slippery paths because I love you so very much.

Yesterday, I saw in your gmail a note from V. It was all very above board. Except I did notice that it was a reply to a note you had sent her late in October that you had deleted from your email. Another secret and lie.

So this morning, I notice that not only is the note gone, any reply is gone as well. No other mail has been opened (or at least you opened, but chose to mark at not read to try to deceive me) and of course, all is gone from the trash. I have no idea if you were flirty or not. I don’t even know if you choose to reply. What I do know is that you kept it all a secret.

You have become better at covering your tracts now, but are still not ‘getting’ that you continuing to have secrets, for whatever reason, is NEVER going to build trust. It is not honest – there is no integrity in secrets. I wonder just how many other secrets there are. I also wonder if you are still in contact with G – it was something your sister said. So I wonder if there are other email accounts….

I am very tired of living in a marriage where I don’t trust you.

You told me that when we moved to Chicago, you would get in a support group. This was after the incident with G. We have been here since August and there has been no movement in that direction. You even questioned your sex addiction as recently as the first of October when you were flirting with the spades ladies and V. and then P.

If we are going to continue to be married, it is going to take WORK. Our going to Dr. X once every six weeks and only addressing things as we are exploding is not WORK. Are you willing to work? I don’t see that, FWH.

What do I want? I want a marriage based on truth, honesty, integrity and emotional safety. I also want to trust you.

My boundaries/Requirements?

1. No one but me touches your penis.
2. No flirting with other women
This includes email, telling other women how great they look in a shirt, telling other women you would like to go dancing with them or see their ‘flat’ or kiss them, getting caught up in their emotional issues (G., P….), teasing about Victoria’s Secret…
3. We go to the couple’s seminar during the first quarter. This should be the priority – not the cruise.
4. You find a SA group meeting here in Chicago.
5. There are NO secrets.

And if the above doesn’t happen? I don’t want to threaten you or control you so I’m not going to do an if/then proposition. If it doesn’t happen – it doesn’t happen. I have to do and will do what is good for me regardless.

Me? I am going to join the workout center next week. And go to my bead class. I have tried to find a COSA meeting, but there is not one. I sent you a note (that you ignored) about my Yahoo ID as I am trying to get in an electronic group as there are no real groups here or in Tampa. I am going to set up a meeting with Dr. X. I am going to try to quit monitoring you – it is not good for me. You being honest is not my job. I have ordered several books I will continue to work through. I had hoped you would do some of this with me. I need to work on me, but I can’t work on us by myself. I want to be a better me – to become healthy and get out of this cycle and figure out just how I got myself into this mess so it won’t happen again – with or without you.

I would be remiss if I didn’t tell you that you are doing so many things right because you are – but it doesn’t matter if you still have secrets. I wish I could make you understand this. I love you, FWH. I will not bring this up – ball is in your court. I will keep moving forward.

Don’t forget. Ever.


Me: BS 50 Him: WS 46 Married 15 years / Together 19
DDay: 4/28/06 & many more after that -- there are still a lot of blanks & I dread the telling
01/28/08 - renewed EA with OW. SA confirmed. Taking a time out.
06/13/08 - discovered EA with OW#2.

Posts: 1141 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Florida / Chicago - Whatever!
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OurLifeBack,

The letter sounds great to me. I believe you are on the right track.

I just asked my SA if keeping the secret is part of the fix. He says no. For him, he just finds it so hard to talk about because of the shame. I will let others comment on this for a better perspective.

Your letter basically says what I told my SA the last time I found a stash. I calmly presents him with the two USB sticks and drew my line in the sand. I told him I was tired of looking and finding these things. I was going to work on doing this less. I didn't care so much anymore. If he wanted to do this, go for it.

However I was not going to live in this toxic environment much longer. From that moment on, I was really going to try and concentrate on me.

At some point down the road, when I felt empowered to do so, I would just leave. No debate, no more chances. That is of course, if I felt he had made no progress.

It was at that point that FWH finally made a concerted effort to heal. He started going to the SA meeting that had just started in town. He went to IC regularly.

He complained a lot about both of these things for awhile. The only other guy at SA was so totally different than him, yada, yada, yada.

Last night was his meeting. He has now been starting supper (he's the cook in this house) on Tuesdays so he can eat before the meeting. Just as he was starting supper, the other guy called. He was in hospital and would not be there.

What my H said next just made my heart soar. "Ok XXXXX. You take care. And you call me ANYTIME you want, man. I'm here for you."

We are over 2 years from D-Day. It took a long time to get on this path. I had to get better as a codependent. He had to get better as an SA. I did so many things wrong. I'm finally getting it.

I give lots of people credit including the good folks here, like 7 yrs., eternaloptimist to mention just two.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
hope4tomorrow
♀ Member
Member # 21673
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Eternaloptimist. That was a great post.

OurLifeBack, that was a really good letter. I really feel that same way.

1Forward1Back, I'm very glad that he is going to meetings and getting healed.

I've been doing this crazy dance too long. We found out he was a SA over 2 years ago. His SA has just escalated out of control while I'm at home taking care of the kids and having another baby. He had his ONSs right before I got preg, while I was preg, and right after I had the baby. So it's hard for me to even look at the whole thing the same way. I love my daughter as she is the joy in my heart right now with her little giggles and coos. I love her so much and I'm glad that I have my kids to make me smile. I wondered why I had to get preg with all this going on and I think that is why. To give me some sanity in all this mess.

I was doing really well in my recovery until I found out about the newest online gf on 11/6 and then the ONSs on 11/7. I had not been policing or checking and making myself crazy. Now I'm just a big mess again.

I just read the first lesson for partners in RN. It was so good. I cried and cried because it's just so true. Our path for healing is not as easy as the SA's. It's really just not fair- any of it. But it's my choice to get better so I will. I'm going to empower myself to become the best person that I can be.

My h still has no remorse. He's doing what is asked of him, going to 2 meetings and IC. As far as I know he's being transparent. But I know that he's not using his email acct and that could just be that he is busy at work like he says, or it could be that he's created another one. I just don't have the energy to even find out right now. He answers all my ?s. He gives me hugs and supports me when I can cry in front of him. He is even being a little more thoughtful than he has been in years.

I just feel so lost and confused. I know that my latest dday is still fresh. So I know that I still need to grieve this and I do know that I will heal from this and be stronger, with or without him. And I know that for once, I'm actually going to be ok with either option.


Me BW
Him WH-SA
Married 12 years
3 Beautiful girls 8 and under

Posts: 346 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
OurLifeBack
♀ Member
Member # 10620
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for the words of encouragement. I am going to print the letter and try to get on the COSA meeting before heading out.

I am just tired...you know?

I'll let all know how it goes tomorrow. Please pray I remain calm and focus on MY needs.


Me: BS 50 Him: WS 46 Married 15 years / Together 19
DDay: 4/28/06 & many more after that -- there are still a lot of blanks & I dread the telling
01/28/08 - renewed EA with OW. SA confirmed. Taking a time out.
06/13/08 - discovered EA with OW#2.

Posts: 1141 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Florida / Chicago - Whatever!
Realsurvivor
♀ Member
Member # 21508
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OurLifeBack

Wow, just wow. What a great letter, you hit all the elements. I am really impressed and hope that I get the chance to write a letter like that to my WH/SA. Right now it would go over his fogged out head.
Thanks for the inspiration. Best of luck to you. You Can whatever you need to.


Breathe in, breathe out
Just another day in paradise.
BS 41
WH 40
DD 8
M 17yrs
D-day 11-1-08
Married OW 24yrs old! co-worker to WH. Her mom also works there as a Child Support Enforcement agent! OW husband filed for D.
Currently still numb,

Posts: 68 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Midwest
innerstrength
♀ Member
Member # 19540
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also think that's a great letter- Take back the power! Great advice from you ladies... I have to keep reminding myself that I am responsible for my own happiness and I can choose my situation and make decisions about it.

I think it helps to realize that in case any of you are feeling "stuck". You can always change your circumstances. It's up to you. It may not be easy, but you are the only one in charge of you. If, for whatever reason (like money, children, partner in recovery,etc) you decide to NOT change your circumstances... It helps to realize that you are making a choice. You are in control.

Good luck everyone- Thanks for reminding me myself!

P.S.- I swear I was only off this site for about a week- It's been crazy at work- But wow! I have a lot of catching up to read!


Me: BS
Him: WS,SA
D-Day #1: 10/22/05
D-Day #2: 4/27/08
In R, LOTS of counseling this time!
I'm finding out day by day how strong I can be... I wish I never had to get to this self-discovery...

Posts: 189 | Registered: May 2008
thetruthwins
♀ Member
Member # 21722
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OurLifeBack - great letter... he should do the Recovery Workshop on www.recoverynation.com - it's all about getting Sex Addicts to live the values they claim to hold.

Part of the partner's Healing Workshop was reading "He Danced Alone" which I just finished - really eye opening about compulsive sexual behavior.


Me BS age 40
Him WH age 41
Son age 5
ONS on 10/31, DDay 11/1 but problems with prior deceit, porn addiction, general compulsiveness. I wouldn't let him come home on DDay.
Update: He's in IC! Yay! Moved home 11/26, things are going great. Whew!

Posts: 656 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: the here and now
catchingupwithme
♀ New Member
Member # 21363
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello to all, I hope I am in the right spot, kinda got lost in all the pages.

PLs take a look at my original post for history, its long and also missing alot of painful things.

My question is have any of you just decided not to reconcile simply because of all the hurt and disrepectful that your WH did? I mean I tried so hard to stay with him, prayer,counseling,books, u name it. But he was pretending, NOW he wants it to work and I am tired and not sure I love him enough to try.

HE finally admits to having a prob and goes to IC twice a week, I will began my own soon. I begged him to get help yrs ago and he refused.

There was so much emotional abuse, and i really feel like I married a stranger. I just dont care to heal with him, the jury is still out but... I am learning towards D. We are separated for a month now. Any advise is appreciated, Thanks 4 listening


Married 5.5yrs
"Trying to Live,Laugh,and Love"

Posts: 23 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Georgia
invictus
♀ Member
Member # 21623
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1forward1backwrote:
D-Day for me was all about the A. The SA, although we both recognized the connection, was not even on my grief radar. I had to work through the whole idea of my H having real feelings for another woman. It took almost 2 years, really, for me to understand how SA was at the forefront of all of this.

Omigosh YES. Regarding the "A" with the other woman for 18 months, I had completely different feelings than I do now that I know about the SA (and the sickening extent of it!) (Turns out he and OW were really swinging both ways with quite a few partners; and OW had the audacity to be offended that I insisted that H be tested for STDs???)

In the first scenario ("straight" affair) I felt perhaps I lacked something or was unattractive/unexciting. In the second I'm just disgusted and realize it is a disorder/sickness -- it is NOT my fault, it is NOT my problem. It is his.

I'm not sure about reconicilation at this point. I've set the goal to get us (or keep us) as mentally, emotionally, physically and financially stable until I sort through my options. (That's my 2nd goal.)

My 1st goal is to take care of ME. I seriously feel like a HUGE burden has been lifted and my "next 30 years" can begin one day at a time.

I will continue to struggle with H's issues and do what I can to help him with his recovery. OW and that drama is no more than a speck of dust at this point; she was a symptom, not the disease.

I no longer feel that my psyche is at stake, though. I know my moods will swing and I will have low moments to counterbalance this extreme confidence and energy... but ultimately? I'm healing.

For this I am thankful for my faith, my best-kind-of-friend, and this supportive website.

Bless EVERYBODY who ends up here with strength and healing.

"i"


♥ One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz

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