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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners Of Sex Addicts
Whoknew?
♀ Member
Member # 9270
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Scribbling Mum. You're right on all counts.

To all of you who keep recommending Mending a Shattered Heart.....I'll order it today.

What a wonderful support group we have here! :)


Posts: 85 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Florida
bluesky
New Member
Member # 20180
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Imago Therapy, "Getting the Love You Want"

Has anyone tried this type of therapy. It seems that it would help someone get into their core issues. In the book, at least, they talk about marrying someone and waking up to realize that the person is an addict. My father is a gambling addict and so I'm wondering what led me to pick out a person like this to marry. Seems like these sorts of issues would be addressed in this therapy. And maybe could get at his core issues so that he could heal, be cured.


Posts: 4 | Registered: Jul 2008
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

True addiction is not cured. The addict has to battle with the urge to do whatever they are addicted to for the rest of their life. They learn the skills to cope during therapy and 12 step programs.

edited to add: Groups and a sponsor are powerful aids for the addict.

[This message edited by pebbles at 7:57 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Imago Therapy, "Getting the Love You Want"

Has anyone tried this type of therapy. It seems that it would help someone get into their core issues. In the book, at least, they talk about marrying someone and waking up to realize that the person is an addict. My father is a gambling addict and so I'm wondering what led me to pick out a person like this to marry. Seems like these sorts of issues would be addressed in this therapy.


My FWH and I are doing this with our marriage counselor. It's very good. However, you should not do this until you both get serious IC for yourselves. Your husband will need to be well into his recovery and so will you. I would say most couples will need at least two years of IC before they are ready for MC with Imago Therapy. We tried to start it too soon and it was a disaster. I think we are just now ready to start again.

And maybe could get at his core issues so that he could heal, be cured.

Yes, he needs to address his core issues WITH A CSAT and a group. He will NEVER be cured. There is no cure. He will be an addict forever. He may get sober. He may stay in recovery but he will NEVER be cured. He will always need meetings to stay in recovery. That's why addicts who are genuinely in recovery and maintaining sobriety say "I'm a recovering addict." not "I'm a former addict."


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup...what 7 Yrs said about an addict...


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PTRN said
Is 7years out there posting? Not to seem stalker-y, but she was really helpful to me when I first visited, and in the last posts I remember seeing, she seemed down.

Just checking to make sure she is OK. Or rather, as "OK" as any of us dealing with this crap can be.

I'm actually doing really well. If you're talking about my analogy, that didn't come from being down, it was a catharsis and was actually very positive. I've just been crazy busy and hard at work on my stuff. Getting back to IC. Started a new group, which is great. I've dialed back on participating here because of my frustration level. I want to help people and get frustrated when they can't accept it. This is MY issue, very much a codependent BEHAVIOR (notice I say behavior and not that I am a codep...I've come to the conclusion that I can and do engage in some behaviors, but I will not accept the blanket label of codep) Anyway... I need to stop banging my head against a wall. I offer what I can when I have time but I'm not spending as much time here. I do check in frequently for PMs since I've told everyone I'm available that way. I don't want to abandon anyone who really wants to talk with me. So, if you need me or you're wondering about me, send me a PM!

Hubby and I are doing really well. We went to our local Renaissance Festival on Saturday and it was wonderful. We all had a great time and I didn't trigger even with scantily clad women in corsets with their breasts hanging out everywhere. He's sober, he's in recovery and working his program and he didn't have any problems and really enjoyed himself too. Freedom is a wonderful thing. We are now FREE to go and do things we want to do. He's approaching 23 months sober and I think that makes a world of difference.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He did EVERYTHING required to put those papers in the shredder! But he wasn't really honest with me, was he? He wasn't honest with his IC. He wanted to go to MC, but I won't until he begins the process of finding out why he does these things. Here we are a year later and the A was just 1 small piece of the Mr. LisaP puzzle! Slowly the pieces are coming together.

So, you've figured out that he actually did the bare minimum to manipulate you into not divorcing. This is your reality. You have to move forward from there. (Read my profile, my rSAH gaslighted me for 11 months and I had to face a lot of realities.)

Here's my advice. Look long and hard at yourself. WHAT DO YOU WANT? (This has be realistic, you can't say "I want things to be the way they were." They will NEVER be the same again, and frankly, it wasn't really that way at all, was it?) So, based on your reality, which is that you are living with a SA who is in denial and gaslighting and manipulating you. Based on that TRUTH, what do you want? If you want a shot at R with this man, then you have to be willing to face the reality that in order for that to happen, he has to hit rock bottom and sadly, you will most likely have to be the catalyst that sends him there. If he hits bottom and gets help, you've got a good chance at R. If he just spirals further down the hole and never hits bottom, you have no chance of R. This is reality and you have to be able to accept EITHER outcome. That is the only way you can move forward. Of course you do have the easy option to live in the hellish limbo you're in now.

So, are you going to move forward or live in limbo?

If you want to move forward, I have specific advice for you about what boundaries and consequences to set.
7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
PTRN
♀ Member
Member # 19730
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7, I'm glad you're doing well offline. Tits on display would have been a trigger for me, since I don't think my WH would be able to avoid ogling and or making wisecracks yet.

I get a bit frustrated to at times reading these boards, for various reasons. Glad you're still checking in occasionally though.


Posts: 214 | Registered: Jun 2008
Whoknew?
♀ Member
Member # 9270
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yearsout,
I'd like to get out of my limbo and move forward, but just don't know how to start. Please give me your thoughts on boundries and consequences. Thanks!

Posts: 85 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Florida
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,

Though I don't post often here, I check in all the time and am really touched by how everyone here looking after each other. You are all wonderful people, in case you don't know that already.

I also echo Whoknew? There is only one way to be honest, and infinite number of ways to be dishonest. If you say don't have cybersex, they may have phone sex. You say don't text, they may MSN message. It's simply impossible to exhaust all permutations of all inappropriate behaviours - how do I list them all?

I am also confused because I heard that I have to recognize I am powerless in controlling things, then hear that I have to empower myself.

And WS gave me his email password. I check his email everyday. I also check the phone bill records and credit card bills. Am I supposed to check up on him for the rest of my life?

Any advice would be appreciated! Last but not least, you are all like my family and I want you to know you are all in my thoughts.


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
bluesky
New Member
Member # 20180
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ingrid, regarding getting out of the marriage, at least in the Catholic Church, which doesn't permit divorce, it would be considered that you were never actually married. If he concealed his sexual addiction from you when you got married, then you didn't know fully who or what you were marrying and hence it would not be considered a valid marriage and you could get out of the relationship.

I don't know if that is helpful. It is sometimes helpful for me and sometimes makes me feel sorry for myself.


Posts: 4 | Registered: Jul 2008
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 5:25 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whoknew?, that sounded so much like my partner. It was almost like you were describing him, at least in the first paragraph. He also claims that he never contacted anyone.

The cycle of threatening to leave has begun for us. I threatened once, and it did seem to make things a little better. I feel like I still have on foot out the door.

7yrs, what you said was right. It probably was never that great our spouses just hid it better.

Bluesky, I have family members that are addicts and suspected addicts. My uncle is an alcoholic who had to attend AA meetings. (He's in recovery and is now happily married. Good for him!) My grandfather looking back may be an SA. His porn collection is crazy. At one point he had bags full and made no attempt to hide them. I remember when he had adult magazines 10+ years old, he has a healthy VHS and DVD collection as well. He and my grandmother don't have sex, don't even live in the same house, never sleep in the same bed. Our family except clueless grandma are about 100% sure he's cheated and suspect he has at least one love child. He's a big flirt even with much younger women.

[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 5:27 AM, July 24th (Thursday)]


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 5:35 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The self-loathing, the shame, the disgust. And he'd become so good at tucking it away that he only felt it immediately after acting out...then simply ignored it, until the next time.
These people are addicts -- sick people with huge problems. That, in no way, means we have to tolerate anything less than total respect and honestly and a willingness to work to recover. But, for me, it helped lift the sense that my husband had done this "to" me and allowed me to stop feeling like a victim. Truth is, I barely figured into the equation. It would't have mattered whom he was married to...

Yes, eternal, this was the hardest part for me. Being I also have co-dependent behaviors (7 ) I felt responsible for a long time... my weight, the time spent with the kids, working full time, my bouts of resentment, the fact that I'd told him if he cheated, it was over...all "reasons" he gave me on dday to justify his affairs. I took them to heart and now, almost 3 years later, I'm just getting to the 80% of the time I don't feel responsible stage.

HE also did everything everyone speaks of here, only felt guilt IMMEDIATELY after the act, by the time he got home and showered, it was "forgotten".

When I first confronted him in 1995, I assumed the affair was with a particular person and because I accused using that particular person, he was able to "beat the polygraph" by denying any involvement with her. Total disgust at the idea. He was believable because what he was denying was true. Unfortunately for me, the truth was much worse.

He did EVERYTHING required to put those papers in the shredder!

Mine too. He was tying himself into a pretzel, volunteered IC, MC, I could check up on him, everything it took to shut down the storm. Now, 3 years later, he's still full of so much self-loathing and shame that we can't discuss anything without him becoming defensive.

I'm reading a series of books that are helping me the "Dance" books by Harriet Lerner. I'm going to get the "Shattered Heart" for sure. Thanks for the recommendation.

Now here's my question... why would someone like this act out in a manner that gets out attention? I mean, they know we're hypervigilent. They know they gave us permission to check up on them if we want. I discovered something purely by accident. But it's weird. He made the call from his family cell, and I check the bill every month, he knows it. He called someone who's supposed to be "dead" to us, three times. I've kept it under my hat because the call lengths are less than 30 seconds which means he probably never spoke to anyone.

If confronted, he will use the "I never spoke to anyone, so what's the big deal" defense. I know I should confront him on affair-type (SA) behaviors even if they don't involve actual sex. (I know I couldn't have been around scantily clad women with him in tow). But I'm not "getting" how without triggering his defense mechanisms.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
need_support
♀ Member
Member # 16064
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H is taking a polygraph today. I've read people posting about this before, so I thought I would share.

My experience was of trickle truth. First story was STD was from a stripper. He might as well of said from a toilet seat.

Then it was from a hand job from a stripper. One night only. And he had been using porn secretly a lot for 2 years, which he felt led him astray.

We went to IC, MC, and eventually reconciled. But something never felt right. I questioned him about escorts, strip clubs, etc. Told him everything felt like his story was just the tip of the iceberg. He lied, fooled me with his words.

Fast forward 14 months. After seeing a Lifetime Movie Network movie about a man with SA, my H confesses that it was actually 11 escorts over 6 months. And strip clubs. And heavy porn for 5 years.

But he had been sober from porn and escorts since D-Day 14 months earlier.

I'm sure none of you are surprised.

He now is taking a lie detector test to proove he has told me everything and has been faithfull for 14 months.

He had to fill out a 42 page questionaire covering all of his sexual history. And I mean all of it. He shared it with me, so there would be no surprises when I get the report.

I'm nervous. If he doesn't pass. That's it. If he passes, not sure how I should react. The truth hurts.


me: BS, 37
him: WS, 45, porn addict, 11 escorts, gave me STD
married 17 years
2 teenage kids
DDay: 20 May 2007: STD, false story
DDay #2: July 2008, finally came "clean" about whole story
status: working on reconciliation

Posts: 135 | Registered: Sep 2007
LisaP
♀ Member
Member # 15088
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good to hear from you again 7...

When I found out about the A a little over a year ago, I was destroyed. I thought it was just that, an A. He did what was expected of him.....when it came to the A!! Now, a year later I check up because I can...and holy shit....I discovered ANOTHER side to my husband. Yes, there where red flags, but really, I just thought he was an insensitive selfish ass at times. I thought he was *like all guys*. Understand, this isn't something I have been dealing with for the last year....I just discovered all this. Just like when I found out about the A, I took all the steps to protect me and the kids BEFORE I confronted him. I like to be prepared. I like to know what to expect, what to do, what not to do. The more I know, the easier it is to hold my ground. The easier it is to call bullshit! Yes, he lied to me this past year. But really, did he lie? How can you lie to someone about something if they don't know about it! I didn't ask about the porn. I didn't even consider SA. Of course he lied....he is protecting something that is unacceptable in our marriage.

what do you want

So what do I want? Right now I am in the process of working on that. I'm taking this 1 step at a time. I am here learning what SA is, what it is not and if maybe (yes) this is what is going on with my husband. Just like when I found out about the A, I am putting the puzzle together. This is shocking to say the least! I can not make any decisions without being informed.

I ordered a few books:

1. Mending a Shattered Heart
2. Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction

I have located a CSAT I would like for him to visit.

These are the things I am doing to move forward. But,

If you want to move forward, I have specific advice for you about what boundaries and consequences to set.

When you get the time, I would love for you to post this or PM, whichever you are comfortable with. I understand how difficult it is knowing the truth and helping newbies understand it...but we do appreciate your time, knowledge and compassion during this confusing and frustrating time!!


Me BS

Divorced!

~Feel your emotions, but control your behavior~ Unknown


Posts: 2161 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Oregon
Mourning123
♀ Member
Member # 19951
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can someone tell me a little more about the polygraphs people are mentioning. Are these suggested by counselors or are you doing this on your own?

I think my WS has come clean with everything, but I'm not to the point to trust that the sky is blue if he says it.


Posts: 372 | Registered: Jun 2008
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been reading Living with Your Husband's Secret Wars as recommended by my former counselor. The author suggests the the BS has issues to work on as well. I feel like I do. There are somethings I could have done better. I'm glad I did read it, IMO it's pretty good. I am considering buying Men's Secret Wars by Pat Means.

I do have Out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes. I'm going to start on that soon. Mending the Shattered Heart is on my Wishlist.

I also think I need to spend some time on myself so I bought some other books that I've been wanting for months. It does feel so good not to be so worried all the time.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do have Out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes. I'm going to start on that soon. Mending A Shattered Heart is on my Wishlist.

Don't read OOTS before you read MASH. Seriously, OOTS will probably just trigger you unnecessarily. It gives WORST CASE SCENARIOS and frankly, that's good for the addict but NOT good for the wife or partner.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I know I have people I need to respond to individually but I'm just not up to it tonight. I think I have strep throat and I just crashed hard and feel like crap. I'll be back when I'm feeling better. Promise!


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^Well, maybe I'll just hand it to my partner for now.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
Cor_en_fa
♀ Member
Member # 19111
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7years, I've sent you a PM.


Me: BS (36)
2 children
Divorce finalized 2/19/09 after a 13 year marriage.
This boat has sailed.

Posts: 164 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: United States
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