My update...My IC said to kick him out for a few nights. That way we can both think and see what we want. Also because he is not putting me first by still talking to that woman online. Even if it's not all lovey dovey stuff anymore, he should respect my boundaries. My IC says that he doesn't know if this is the right choice, but it will give me my power back in the relationship. So I feel confused. I worry that he's going to like not being with us. He says that he can't imagine feeling that way and that he doesn't know what a few days will change for him but he'll do it if I want to. He's more worried that I will change my mind about wanting to stay with him. I do wonder about that also. It's just not healthy to be so confused all the time. My IC says that he's abusing me with all this and wants to know if I think it's intentional. I don't think it is. I know that my SA is just broken inside but it sure does feel so awful all the pain that I am constantly in. So I think a break will actually be a good thing. I just wonder if it's going to mean the end of my marriage. I'm not sure that I'm ready to be alone yet. I don't have all my ducks in a row but I guess I'll see what happens in the next few days.
I'm so afraid of making a wrong decision. I thought if I kept him here, we could talk and pray and be together while we heal. He really seems to think there was progress made and it wasn't fake. Here they say that it's not really R if there isn't NC so that is what I told him. It did seem that we made some good connections and things were good during the 4 days we spent during Thanksgiving.
So here I am back to being confused and just hoping that I'm making a good decision. But there is always risk. If I let him stay, I am almost condoning the behaviors and not enforcing my boundaries. If I let him go, he may never come back. I guess at this point, I'm really not ready to end it all but maybe being alone and not dealing with him, I can find some peace and want him gone all the time.
So it will be an interesting few days, huh?
I do have a hard time deciphering fact from fiction with him. I want to believe him, but he has looked me dead in the eye and lied.
I guess I just wanted to hang on to that 1% hope that he wasn't really doing anything with them. Not to say that fantasy itself can't reap havoc. He has a friend who cheats physically a lot-he thinks everything is ok as long as he's not like his friend.
My partner says he's never been with a hooker period-I don't think i'm buying that one.
Work seems to keep him pretty busy, but it's so easy for him to pick up a hooker at a casino. He's been here long enough to tell which ones are hookers and which ones are not.
ETA: Occasionally, I still feel like he has sex with me b/c he feels obligated. A few days ago he came back to the room.I was in lingerie and there were some chocolate covered strawberries. We had sex, and I hope the feelings I had that he was only doing it b/c he felt he had are all in my head.
[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 10:21 AM, December 10th (Wednesday)]
One of our first throwing him out, I just kept saying "I will NOT have a husband with a girlfriend." He kept saying he didn't want a divorce and I just kept repeating that statement. I did not try to reason with him or compromise.
Or course, I have had to draw other lines in the sand as we have gone along.
So - do you want a husband that has a relationship with another woman?
I would recommend you not communicate with him while he is not there.
Come here for support. You can do this!
You are right, I do not want a husband with any women online friends or any other inappropriate relationships.
It's just going to be hard but I think it will give me the answers that I need. I need to do some soul searching and see if I really want to stay in the marriage and why.
My husband and I have decided to R. My husband is remorseful and I believe he is being honest about everything. We are going to marriage counseling together and seperate. The pain is just so overwhelming sometimes. D day was September 4th, which I know wasn't that long ago, but I don't know if I can continue with this.
I love my husband, but I don't think that I can put all of this behind me.
At this point in R, I still go back and obsess about the A at times, as evidenced by some of my recent posts, but for the most part I'm over the disgust and pain of the actual sex that happened during his Great F**cking Tour of 2005/2006!
I now concentrate more on his SA. And even that I try not to do so much. I'm concentrating on me and healing myself. I have been a co-dependent to this addiction many years, and I'm working on my own recovery.
You are still so fresh and raw. Give yourself the luxury of feeling the way you do. Feel it, but don't act on it. Not yet anyway. No decisions need to be made just yet.
The thing is Confused, at this point in your healing, even if you decided to separate, you will still have to go through the pain. There is no shortcut, no detour. You have to walk through the pain. Sure it may be a bit easier if you don't see him every day, but the recovery will be difficult no matter what.
I'm sure all of us here can relate to what you are feeling.
I am sorry that you have found yourself among us. Please come here often for support.
I echo 1Forward1Back. To deal with infidelity is a difficult journey, let alone adding SA in the mix. Traditional wisdom has that it takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity.
In addition, the journey itself is not a gradual upward incline. Rather, it is a roller coaster of emotions (sometimes contradictory). Therefore, your current feelings of helplessness, apathy, fear and doubt are normal.
I am only 9 months out, but I do remember when I was 3 months out (like where you are at now), I was a wreck. My suggestions are as follows:
* Focus on your health. Visit a doctor for STD tests and medication (sleeping pills, anti-anxiety pills and/or anti-depressants) if necessary. Remember to eat and hydrate yourself. Exercise if you can.
* See a counsellor or join a group FOR YOURSELF. You must seek understanding and help for yourself first.
* If at all possible, do not make any major life decisions within the first year.
* Inform yourself on not only infidelity and SA, but also co-dependency and healing for YOU.
* Reach out to those you trust and those who can support you (such as this site). While you have to think carefully about who you confide with, please do not isolate yourself and suffer alone.
Finally, I have to concur with 1Forward1Back again in that there is no short cut to pain. My counsellor said she had never seen anyone heal, or any relationship recovered, by "walking around" the feelings. On the point of anger, she said that if you bottle up your anger, it is just that - it gets "bottled up", not disappears. She reminds me to experience all the emotions fully.
I hope you can find some comfort in knowing you are not alone, your feelings are normal and we are all here to support you. You are in my thoughts.
[This message edited by birdwatch at 4:19 PM, December 10th (Wednesday)]
I have successfully completed my one-week experiment of not checking up and am beginning an extension of the experiment by one week! Okay, I did slip, but only once in the entire week!
I kept copious notes last week and discussed them with my counsellor at our session yesterday. It was truly informative.
To be short, I expected that by not checking up, my related anxiety would be replaced by some "zen" moment of empowerment or relief. What happened was that while I did feel less anxiety, I experienced "new" (negative) feelings and some of my "old" (negative) feelings were intensified. For example, I felt apathy and passive-aggressive for the first time, and my feelings of anger and revenge had sky-rocketted.
I thought, oh dear, this can't be good. Well, my counsellor was overjoyed! She said my anxiety was "masking" many other emotions, which I must recognize, acknowledge, experience, understand and deal with. Thus, we spent time yesterday discussing my passive-aggressiveness and anger. The hope is that I can now face and experience all the painful emotions, which is necessary to my healing (and also to the recovery of the relationship).
So there, I am now on Day 8. Will keep you all posted. Is anyone doing this as well? Want to swap notes?
[This message edited by birdwatch at 4:30 PM, December 10th (Wednesday)]
I have only been to one meeting, and it is hard to tell how it works, but I see some of the older members (not agewise, but the ones that have been there longer) seem to be more at peace and in a better place than I am, so I am going to keep going and see what happens. At this point, I have nothing to lose--my sanity is already gone!
ConfusedinAK - I am still right there with you. I think every day, do I really want to deal with this? It is so hard, because I have become much more sensitive to so many different things, but especially anything sexual. When we were first together and he would make a kind of dirty type joke, I would just laugh ha ha or roll my eyes if it was stupid. Now it upsets me. I don't see the humor any more and I get hurt and/or angry. I am always thinking (is that all he can think about?). We were just talking on the phone, and he told me he was so tired and depressed, he said "even if the swedish bikini team were in front of me it wouldn't put a smile on my face" I was like "that's great to hear". He goes "I thought that would make you feel good". I don't think he gets it at all. And I am really tired of being hypersensitive. I'm not sure how to fix that one. I really want some normalcy regarding my sex life and our sexual health, and I don't know if it is ever going to be possible with him. Take away the sex part, and he is a great guy. Right now, he is busy buying Christmas gifts for the kids (these are my kids--he is not their biological father--but treats them like he is). He is working 13 hours a night to try to keep our home out of foreclosure and provide a better life for us. He tells me he loves me every time he hangs up the phone. It is like there is a really great guy, with a problem, but the problem is a significant part of our relationship, and I just don't know what to do with all this.
It can feel like there's a lot of pressure to make a decision -- should I stay or go -- at first. I can remember feeling that if I stayed, I was somehow "condoning" what he did. There's some self-righteous satisfaction in kicking someone who betrays you to the curb.
Two years out from DDay #2 (it took Birdwatch to point out to me that it was my 2-year antiversary -- I completely forgot!!!), I can say that I'm still not completely sure of my decision to stay in the marriage. But I'm more sure than I was. I think it takes a long time to sift through it all but there's no finish line where it all makes total sense and we realize we've arrived. All of life is a process and, if we're open to it, a chance to learn more about ourselves, human nature...and ideally to grow.
I'm not the person I was two years ago -- I'm less quick to judge others' choices in life or think that I know what choices people should make. I'm less inclined to snap to decisions but now realize I can take my time. I'm more particular about who I allow into my life -- people who accept me and care about me and that I don't need to impress.
I know I'm a better, more mature person than I was. And so is my husband.
Give yourself the chance to figure out what you ultimately want and whether you can achieve that within your marriage or not. The first year is such a roller coaster and your emotions don't necessarily provide the best basis for making a lifetime decision. Give your true feelings time to rise to the surface, after excavating all the pain and hurt and anger and fear.
And keep posting. Writing about it has been the best therapy for me...
My husband wants us to enroll in this. I would appreciate any thoughts!
In the meantime, what should be a good consequence for slip ups? I was thinking of denying him sex if I catch him but I'm afraid it'll cause the opposite of its intended effect.
I've become less tolerant as you can see.
you have to create your own boundaries of what you will or will not tolerate. If you read through these threads, I know there are some examples of boundaries. I have set some for me, but I am learning I may want to change them a bit. I am also going to COSA to learn how to set appropriate boundaries. Right now, mine are: any more naked women in any form and he gets counseling (CSAT), and I also want him to get into a SA group, if he refuses, he loses all wifely privilages, including me flying to see him once a month right now, and me talking to him for any reasons other than paying the bills and dealing with the kids. If he physically cheats at this point, I am gone, because that is something I know in my soul I cannot get over at this point. But other people are more tolerant, or better at working thru this kind of thing. So my boundaries may not work for you.
As far as sex, I won't have it with my WS because 1. Right now I am too disgusted to let him touch me--I can barely tolerate a hug, and 2. Since I am not 100% of my WS's fidelity, I am not willing to take a chance on him giving me any STDs. Those are my reasons, but again, everyone is different.
I'm sure others will have some different ideas for you.
Good luck with everything!
[This message edited by momofthree2007 at 8:29 PM, December 11th (Thursday)]
I haven't posted in a while, but am busily trying to keep up with all the activity.
First off, welcome to all the newcomers. Sorry you are here, but there are some very wise women who understand what you are going through!
My WH and I continue with IC and group counseling and seem to be dealing well with everything. It's very much a day to day process, but with boundaries and consequences we are trying our best at R.
For those of you who believe, please add us to your prayers. I was let go from my job this morning and that takes a large chunk out of our household income.
It also scares the hell out of me because I feel it takes some of my power away. Prior to this I could walk away and not look back if that is what I eventually choose. Now, things are a little different and I'm scared!
Just needing some support!
momofthree2007. Please read and educate yourself about sex abuse--it will help you to understand it is so definitely not about you or the sex you provide. It is something that is lacking in your H, most probably from childhood, a lot of the addicts learn to fill their needs and escape from stress and reality by turning towards their addiction. My H was able to "white-knuckle" it with his addiction and not act out for 4 years, until he moved for a job, and got lonely, bored, and super stressed, and boy, did he make up for those 4 years without! However; even while "white-knuckling" it, there were other symptoms of his addiction that I just did not realize at the time. Fear of intimacy, problems with deep emotional connection, lack of sexual desire (I guess he was in that sexual anorexia or whatever they call it), and an irritableness that would come up from time to time out of seemingly nowhere.
Addiction can be devastating to deal with, as I am learning, and you definitely need to seek some real support for yourself. The boards here are great, because there are so many others that are going thru what you are dealing with, and can give you great advice and insight.
For me, I also go to IC to help me figure out how I ended up like this, and to try to take some steps to strengthen myself so no matter what the outcome, I can deal with it. I also joined a codependent group--I would have never admitted to being codependent (it sounds too needy!), but I am. And so I am taking steps on that also to strengthen myself.
I know it is a lot to absorb, just take in a little at a time and deal with it at your own pace--that is what we all have to do!
Blessings to all my friends on this board, you are all in my thoughts as we maneuver through this holiday season!
He hasn't slipped up in over 6 months and I want it to stay that way.
Before, all he had to do was admit when he looked at porn and I let it slide because he was honest. However, it became predictable when that would hapen everyday and then it came to the point where he was contacting women on Myspace and craigslist. I gave him the ultimatum at that point to either go back to the SA meetings or I was going to leave. He believed me and has straightened up eversince.
I just don't want to be easy on him anymore. Before I gave him the ultimatum I was a doormat and those days are over. He needs some fair consequences and I think denying him sex with me is the only way. If there's a better way I'd like to know.
[This message edited by momofthree2007 at 9:17 AM, December 12th (Friday)]
It got ugly...again...I asked him if he was planning to visit a bunch of strip clubs if I moved to Vegas with him in the summer. He said I was asking a stupid question and that he would start asking if I was going to go see Chippendales while I was out here. That's not even the same, I have never been to a male revue, but it seems like he's been to most of the strip clubs in town.
I ended up crying, though not completely about what he said.
7yrs - I hope that you heal from this loss in the best way possible.