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User Topic: Spouses/Partners Of Sex Addicts
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, December 24th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

onceinlove, thank you. It gives me a goal to aspire to!

ldlh - It seems like the goal of our husbands it to make us crazy. So we don't trust our own thoughts and intuition anymore. I went to see him last couple of days, and I am more confused than ever. Will post about it later.

Scribblingmum - thank you also, I have just joined COSA (and only got to go once so far because of the holidays.) I don't really see how it will make a difference for me, but I am going to stick with it and just do it and see what happens. Amazing about that phone call. I think I need to do the same, and just trust God.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to everyone here, I hope we can all find the peace we are seeking!


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14905 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, December 24th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Merry Christmas to all!


Does anyone else and their partner go thru cycles in which things are really tense followed by a honeymoon period???


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, December 24th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, because while I was out of town, we had a terrible fight, he said he was leaving, gave me back his ring and everything, I spent the night crying, he woke up early and asked "stay and let's try to work this out?", and now we are "in love" again.

This has happened in the past, where there is a blow up (usually him), and then he tells me he is sorry, he is stupid, he loves me, yada yada yada, and no wonder I feel like I am f***ing crazy.

I know it can be an abusive cycle. And I also know I am getting tired of it.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14905 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 5:16 AM, December 25th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, we are definitely in one of our "in love" stages. Yesterday, we actually had sex when I wanted, and he did what I asked...Wow! Talk about make up sex lol.

I wonder if it's the holidays or if my partner needs to have his adrenaline pumping or whatever!


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
parke316
♀ Member
Member # 11098
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, December 25th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since this is my "home" thread....


I just wanted to say Merry Christmas and hang in there to everyone here who is dealing with the same stuff that I once did.

Happy Holidays :)


Posts: 448 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: upstate ny but always wishing seattle :'(
OurLifeBack
♀ Member
Member # 10620
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, December 27th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"If he wants to act out again, he will. I won't be able to stop him. If he wants to revert to old ways of relating to me, he will. I can't control him.

I am trusting in myself and a power greater than myself that I will be shown that he is acting out. He knows what the consequences will be if he makes that choice and there will be no second chances. It is totally his choice and there is nothing for me to do but live my life in the meantime."

Thank you so much for this! It is quickly becoming my new motto.

I started this post a few days ago and my pc jammed up on me.

Today, I began a journal of things that just don't seem right and make me anxious or question or want to go snooping. I am going to write these things down and trust that when the time is right, I will find out what I need to know.

I think I am becoming more resolved to do what I need to do. I told SAH that he needed to be at SA meetings and we needed to attend a couple's conference .... although he has done some research on both, nothing has really been done.

We are at our Florida home -- we drove. I brought all my good "stuff" with me. We are suppose to drive back to Chicago beginning the 11th of January. My plan is to simply not go if there is no positive movement.

Calmly. Simply.

Right now we need to make plans to go see my parents next weekend. SAH has not seen them in three years. I am afraid to take him - I don't want him to hurt these old people who are very important to me again. I know I can't control that.

But I sure would like to!

[This message edited by OurLifeBack at 8:08 AM, December 27th (Saturday)]


Me: BS 50 Him: WS 46 Married 15 years / Together 19
DDay: 4/28/06 & many more after that -- there are still a lot of blanks & I dread the telling
01/28/08 - renewed EA with OW. SA confirmed. Taking a time out.
06/13/08 - discovered EA with OW#2.

Posts: 1141 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Florida / Chicago - Whatever!
OurLifeBack
♀ Member
Member # 10620
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, December 27th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's often funny how quickly I sometimes need to update here!

SAH just 'confessed' to going to inappropriate internet sites last night. I said "I know."

He then talks about how it hasn't happened in a while -- I said - two weeks ago. He thinks this is progress. He said he was sorry -- I told him it wasn't me he needed to appologize to....

He just doesn't get it -- he is so not in recovery and is not doing anything really to get into recovery.

I am so very sad. I don't want to stay here -- I love this man; I love our life; I love our family...but I can't help him and I can't live any longer with the shame and humiliation.

I will stick with my plan -- keep putting one foot in front of the other and not tyring to control him or tell him what to do.

And when January 11 gets here, I just won't go.

It is so the right thing to do. I am so very sad.


Me: BS 50 Him: WS 46 Married 15 years / Together 19
DDay: 4/28/06 & many more after that -- there are still a lot of blanks & I dread the telling
01/28/08 - renewed EA with OW. SA confirmed. Taking a time out.
06/13/08 - discovered EA with OW#2.

Posts: 1141 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Florida / Chicago - Whatever!
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, December 27th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OLB, I think it's good he at least confessed. Mine would try to lie before I presented some hard evidence and probably afterwards,too.

On out trip to Las Vegas, I found out another reason why he was ready for me to go. He had several DVDs in his bag. He didn't want me peeking in his stuff-red flag, again. He asked me to look in his bag for his camera, and he had things like Wild Things, Cruel Intentions 2, Poison Ivy. I'm not really that mad about them just suspicious. I keep reading that an SA will sexualize everyday things.

My partner said I get mad about the wrong things, and the only thing I need to know is that he loves me.

I think he's mad that I told him he was looking at child porn months ago.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, December 28th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sheesh, my partner is doing it AGAIN. I mean he's doing that thing where he'll hit me on my butt hard. I keep telling him not so rough, but he says it's just a love tap. It stings! He hears me screech, but he still insists on groping me like that.

I wouldn't be surprised if he's viewing again. He said he was up all night, and I doubt he was playing video games the whole time.

I'm gonna try really hard not to check on him. I am.

I feel like I'm starting not to care so much about our sex life. I think it's amazed that I would still even think of having sex with him.

This is a little off topic-my partner complains that his computer is slow and that he doesn't have a lot of memory left. Well, get rid of all the porn. DUH!!!


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
OurLifeBack
♀ Member
Member # 10620
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, December 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LDLH - You do NOT need to put up with that! I am at a loss about how to stop it....anyone else have any ideas? Stay stong today and don't look!

I wanted to share this quote with all of you and get your thoughts:

Our job is to recognise how sick addicts are and how deeply their
compulsion and shame affect them. Blaming and humiliating them only
makes it worse. Acting with patience and compassion (while we work on
our own program) not only brings greater dignity to our own lives; it
can also help the addict to gain the strength they need to seek help
for themselves.

I am so running out of patience - please pray I can keep going forward.


Me: BS 50 Him: WS 46 Married 15 years / Together 19
DDay: 4/28/06 & many more after that -- there are still a lot of blanks & I dread the telling
01/28/08 - renewed EA with OW. SA confirmed. Taking a time out.
06/13/08 - discovered EA with OW#2.

Posts: 1141 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Florida / Chicago - Whatever!
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, December 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually, I think that passage makes good points. I can see how that really applicable to me. One example of shaming him was when I found out he had looked up pics of a nude 15 yo. I really shamed him, and I wish I hadn't. He already probably felt bad. I think he's still upset about that.

HOWEVER, being patient and understanding is a big challenge when your partner lies to you so much and tries to make you feel crazy. To me in my situation,it all seems easier said than done.

OLB, you are in my thoughts. I hope that you can remain patient. Sending hugs your way.

ETA: I almost feel like I need to print that out and put it in my wallet. I feel like I need some kind of strength today. I've been generally stressed, and i do feel like I could do off on him. I'm still very hurt and angry that he was whacking off to porn after my loss. He even started a new porn folder on his PC 6 days afterwards. I just want to ask him, WHY??? I've been telling myself that maybe he was trying to cope, but that doesn't make me feel better esp since he tries to pretend like nothing bothers him.

Oh yes,and I remember reading some stuff on SA on a website. One guy said he knew SA's but none of the wives were compassionate or understanding. I'm just thinking you know it's hard to be patient and understanding with someone who lies repeatedly, won't respond to getting any kind of help, well I'm sure most of us get the picture.

[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 10:55 AM, December 29th (Monday)]


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
hope4tomorrow
♀ Member
Member # 21673
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, December 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone. I'm doing pretty good here. My SAH is at work after having 5 days off and he'll work today and tomorrow with another 5 days off. So things are pretty good. Once the holidays are over and every day stress starts again, I'm definitely concerned things will get hard for him again.

He's going to 2 SA meetings a week. One is an open share type meeting at Celebrate Recovery and one they are going through a book, it might be 12 steps. He's also meeting with a new sponsor (they've only met a couple of times) and he's starting over doing the 12 steps. He's also going to IC. So I guess he's doing what he needs to do for beating this. I only hope that he actually does it this time.

The reason that I'm unsure is that he was doing these things before. He wasn't seeing a counselor but he was going to meetings, had a sponsor going through the steps. He was doing 90 meetings in 90 days last fall. But he was still struggling. He had 21 days sobriety and fell but lied and got his 30 day chip. He stopped doing the 90/90 when he went out of town and that was his first ONS. So I'm just especially on edge I guess. And to make matters worse, he's probably going to be travelling next month to the same place that he had 3 of the 4 ONSs. I don't know how I'm going to manage to keep things together while he's gone.

I know that all I can do is work on me and focus on me. I can't control him or make him stop or love me or anything.

The thing is that it's not even the sex stuff that bothers me. I've made love to him since finding out and at first it was hard but now, I don't even think about other women. I can focus on the here and now and I actually want to make love. But it's the love stuff that is killing me right now. I saw Enchanted and the song she sings about how do you know that he loves her made me sooo sad. And the movie The Notebook came on and I immediately got so very sad again and I couldn't watch it.

I'm a hopeless romantic. So it just kills me that someone that I love so very much could do this to me.

He's being sweet and kind and listens to me when I'm sad and will hold me when I need him to. But I don't know that he's "remorseful" like some of the WSs are on here. He still has so many of his own issues that I don't even feel like we are in true R. We aren't separated or talking about it. I think we can actually make it if he can get the help and recover like he needs to. But I want to be "wooed" again, I guess. I want to feel loved and special again. I know that he can't do that right now. He has to work on his own stuff and I have to work on mine.

Anyway, just having a triggery time with the movies and the holidays. He did say that he was so happy to spend Christmas together as a family because he knows that he could have been an outsider just invited to join us.


Me BW
Him WH-SA
Married 12 years
3 Beautiful girls 8 and under

Posts: 346 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, December 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OurLifeBack and lovedontlivehere,

I just have time for a quick response to your question, how to stop compulsively checking up.

I had posted earlier this month as to my experiment with not checking up.

To summarize, and save you time from going through this lengthy thread :-), I am working with my IC to reduce (not eliminate) all checking up.

First, think about why you need to check up. I had a lengthy discussion with my IC about this. For me, checking up, by definition is after the fact. Hence, checking up is not going to prevent Mr. B from acting out. Rather, it allows me to know if he has acted out so I can act accordingly and regain justifiable control over my own life (e.g. in a serious case, I will end the marraige). My IC and I then discussed in detail my feelings and emotions associated with that (i.e. feeling of lack of control, helplessness, being duped, humiliation, etc.)

Second, after looking very hard at my reason of checking up, I then agreed to a one-week experiment of no checking up. It does not have to be one week, it can be two days if that's all you can handle. During that time, be in tune with your feelings. Do you feel relieved? anxious? angry? My IC asked me to really "feel and observe" my emotions and to write down all my feelings in a journal.

Third, after that week, I discussed my feelings with the IC. Then I extended the experiment for a second week, then a third. All the time, I am learning to be in tune with my feelings and observe them (almost like a third party observer).

I have not given up all checking up, and I personally do not believe that is realistic or even beneficial for me, but I have now kept the checking up under control (like twice a week if I am bad, and once a week if I am good). It also helps that my initial discussion with my IC clarifies my thoughts of why I "need" to check up (i.e. to be able to make decisions in response to any acting out after the fact, and not to prevent acting out). So I think to myself, if he did act out, it doesn't matter if I check and find out right now or if I check and find out one week from now.

In short (well, I guess it's too late now after my rambling :-) ), I think what finally got me started in checking up less is the fact that I did not set a scary unrealistic goal. Hence, I did not say, I will never ever check up, forever. I set a goal of not checking up for only one week, then do allow myself to check up, and then go back to not checking up for another week, etc.

I feel so bad for rambling all the time, but I do hope this may help you. If you can work on this with your IC to get some encouragement and support, it may be easier.

Love,
birdwatch

[This message edited by birdwatch at 4:40 PM, December 29th (Monday)]


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, December 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Birdwatch, thanks for your post.

I was afraid I'd just have to stop cold turkey. Some weeks I don't check up at all, if things are bad I may check up 3-4x a week. I'm checking up much less often than in the beginning. I try not to stress too much about it. I guess try is the key word. I admit I did check up several times this week, and I'll talk about that later in this post.

Part of the reason I check up is for my own safety. If he's looking up hookers, then I need to leave. If he's looking up suggestive pics of minors then I need to contact the authorities and sever ties with him. And perhaps I don't feel comfortable having sex with him after he's been masturbating to violent porn or that Playboy he bought even though he knew it would piss me off.

I'll be honest and say the other reason I check is b/c I don't want to feel crazy. I'd like to be in a position where he could be honest with me if I asked, but we're not there yet not by a long shot. I would say his dishonesty is the most painful part of all this. Looking back, he's always been secretive with his porn use. I've never had a guy be so secretive and dishonest about his porn use. To me that alone says there's probably a big problem here.

I want to confront him about his porn usage earlier this year. I'm afraid he'll lie, and that will piss me off royally. I'm not sure if I'm mad about that,I'm actually a bit disgusted. He couldnt even wait any appreciable length of time. He was doing it the next day! I was crying my heart out cuz I lost my babe not to mention I had to recuperate from surgery and he's whacking off to hardcore porn. I think having an honest conversation could make me feel better, but I predict lies.

Also, he's been viewing porn this whole year despite our fights. I'm not even surprised. He has made 0 attempts to stop. I feel like if he can do that, then our sex life should be perfect. And it's not. He's a selfish lover. I don't ever want to go thru what I went thru most of this year that's why I want him to get rid of the porn. I dont even want to risk it, but he doesn't care. I feel like he's really slipping esp. since he's started to do the groping thing again.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, December 30th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay ladies,

I'm becoming tired of him making me out to be nosey and controlling. He's mad b/c I don't want him cyber cruising for whores (cuz that's what it is) or watching porn. And I'm the bad guy. I don't care if it's just looking. How do I know it's just looking??? I'm being called nosey. You know what? If he didn't have anything to hide, he wouldn't. He discredits my feelings, he won't go without porn unless he's out of town. He thinks there's no harm in him just looking...Well, it is if he spends more time whacking off while neglecting me. If he can spend hours masturbating, but I get 20 mins of sex on a good day, how am I supposed to feel? I've already told him it's the LYING that makes me most angry.

I guess it doesn't matter anymore b/c my desire for him is waning. I've said it before, now I'm serious. We had sex today. Typically, he doesn't want to do anything I want to do. How bout we do X? Nope. I like this. Of course, I'm expected to drop whatever it is I'm doing to please him. The opposite happens very rarely. I didn't really feel anything to be honest. I just endure it. He senses it,too, bc he keeps asking if I'm enjoying it. No, I am not. We've been having sex a little bit more lately, which is kinda expected. Maybe I don't want to rely on makeup sex.

In a weird way, I'm disappointed that he agreed that I should wear less form fitting clothes around the house.

I know he has a sex drive because I BET if I said hey let's have a threesome with another female he'd be all over that.

I sent revealing pics of myself to a guy on the net.

He thinks what he does is ok b/c he has a friend who cheats physically on his wife, and he's comparing himself to that. My partner claims to be physically faithful.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, December 31st (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ldhl - just an idea for that rough grope--my partner used to like to reach over and squeeze my nipple--only he would squeeze hard and it would hurt. So I would reach over and squeeze his boys, a bit too hard, and he got the message. (although it probably took 3 or 4 times)

Your SAh may not realize that it does hurt--a lot of men are a bit rougher, and I read a survey where it said men actually do have thicker skin (physically) than women, so that is why they can take a harder pinch or so than we can. But it is no excuse for him not to listen to you when you tell him it hurts.

Also, your SAh doesn't get it because he doesn't want to. He is scared. This acting out stuff is the way he has probably always dealt with the stresses in his life. I think it is very telling that he was doing that stuff right after your horrible loss. It is his stress relief. He doesn't know where else to go to take away the pain. He is not used to depending on people--he depends on the temporary relief he gets from his addiction. He is hiding it, so he knows it is not acceptable, but it is an addiction. Like drugs or alcohol. When he gets so stressed and needs to escape, this apparently works for him in the short run. But like drugs and alcohol, in the long run, it is a killer. It is a killer of relationships, of self-worth, of personal dignity. I truly believe it splits the soul.

And I hate to tell you this, but even if he quits the porn, he won't start acting normal. Mine has quit, because that was my boundary. I check like crazy, and have not found anything, and he is not that good at hiding stuff--he is somewhat forgetful. But he still doesn't have normal sex, or normal thoughts, and just because he is not acting out, does not mean he is not thinking it. It is a temporary fix, but not real. That is why I am trying so hard to get him into a recovery program. And I think it will take more than one thing. I think he needs a CSAT to get to the issues of why he does this, and a 12 step program like Sexaholics Anonymous, to help him find tools to help him stop, and replace the emptiness with something more fulfilling.

I know, like you, I am pissed off all the time. I keep thinking, why am I doing this? But he IS a very good person. And very loving sometimes. He gave up some of his food budget so he could give me and the kids a very good Christmas, and his mom and sister are wonderful people, who I love very much. So I just can't give up on him yet. But it is horribly frustrating that he won't see how big the problem is. I have told him that discovery I made in July totally destroyed me, and I have PTSD as a result. So he thinks by quitting the porn he fixed it. But he still can't have a loving healthy sexual relationship, but I know that is because he doesn't know what one of those is. No one taught him how to have a healthy sexual relationship, he got all his ideas from his dad and porn, and strip clubs (where dear old dad took him for his 18th birthday).

Have your H take this test--you have posted on here that he has a lot of these problems, maybe that will help wake him up:

http://www.no-porn.com/test.html

and tell him on that last question that he is working his way towards that one!

Also, a very good interview from Dr Patrick Carnes

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/4302347/

Also, there is another website if you can get your husband to read (or read to him, and one particular paragraph that may wake him up)

http://newlifehabits.com/

Used correctly, your body’s sexual organs are meant to bring you and your spouse closer together in a bond of love and also to reproduce. When you are addicted to masturbation there is no bond with anyone but your own fantasies. Masturbation makes you become selfish and anti-social as all your energy is spent on you. Your feelings of guilt and shame make you feel unconfident in the presence of others and hinder your ability to create new relationships. Some may say, in their pride, they have no problems with this but the truth is a person cannot be a truly loving person by committing such selfish acts. True love involves others and involves self-mastery

OLB - thank you for that quote on not blaming and humiliating. I keep forgetting. I get so angry and hurt about all his sexual problems, sometimes I forget he is a human.

birdwatch-- please feel free to ramble anytime! I do a lot of it, and I think it is normal and sometimes helpful to help us get our thoughts together, because this is a very thought-scattering thing!


[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 8:48 AM, December 31st (Wednesday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14905 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Flame  Posted: 11:25 AM, December 31st (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sent revealing pics of myself to a guy on the net.

YOU DID WHAT???? You post a lot. You get tons of good advice but you ignore it and you just keep posting and whining. Now you're engaging in completely inappropriate behavior yourself. GET SOME PROFESSIONAL HELP! Seriously, you are part of the problem at this point. He's not getting help but you can and should.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, December 31st (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrs, Sorry for whining. I don't have a lot of people to talk to.

Yes, I did do wrong. Yes, I do have issues like boundaries. I have never had a boundary in my life. Making them is difficult for me. I do appreciate all the great advice I have gotten. I have followed advice for some things like not checking up as much (except for this week )

Actually, I have come further. I read. I joined Recovery Nation and CoSA online. I'm also waiting on materials from CoSA.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, December 31st (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ldhl - you don't need to do that. You are just trying to get back at your SAh and reassure yourself you are still attractive (I am being frank here, because I have had those thoughts myself, and I AM tired of being made to feel ugly and unwanted, because I am not). Plus it is worse for you because your guy is still in denial. Does he know? What would he say? I think it is awful that he told you not to bother dressing nice for him anymore. Are you doing that to try to get him to realize it is a problem?

Sex is a part of our nature, and it is a part of who we are. But there are healthy ways to express it and not so healthy ways. You know once you send a picture over the internet, you can never take it back.

I'm really glad you joined COSA. I still have only gotten to my first meeting, but I have seen others in it and they seem at peace, and that is where I want to be in 6 months or so. My Goal. Plus, I was told that it is funny, but once a lot of the women started working on themselves and becoming healthy and less codependent, their husbands actually started taking an interest in fixing themselves because they didn't want to be left behind. Kind of an unspoken thing, like, "I don't want my partner to get healthy and leave me here crawling in the dirt, so maybe I better take a look at myself too".


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14905 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, December 31st (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lovedontlivehere

You did what we are all fighting against here.

Two wrongs don't make it right.

What if the guy has a wife or girlfriend! What if he's an SA and his wife or girlfriend finds that picture on his computer. What were you thinking?????

Please get help so you can get yourself together and not even think of doing such a thing again.

It's easy to lose your self respect while going thru what we are all going thru here. Please respect yourself.

I haven't posted for awhile on this thread because some very positive things are going on with WH and I'm hoping it isn't too good to be true.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

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