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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners Of Sex Addicts
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, December 31st (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NA, I think I did to make it wasn't me. I don't even know what he would say. It seems like his rules are as long as there's not touching anything is ok. You're right, pics over the net is really risky. It could come back to bite me later not even counting how it could affect my relationship. Also, this is probably an example of my boundary issues.

My sponsor (well she's not really a sponsor, I met her on another forum and her husband is a recovering sex addict) told me that if things were really that bad maybe I should consider cutting my losses. What's really sad is that her story of recovery and what all she told me convinced me to stick it out with him for a little while longer. That's bad. She's the one who told me he might actually have an illnes.

Thanks for the links. I think I'll have to show him. My "sponsor" also suggested that I try to show him more info in SA specifically about a treatment center.

I really try not to be mad at him. He does treat me well usually aside from this issue. However, since I keep finding out more and more things, it's just that much easier to get mad.

I definitely like that passage. I may have to laminate that one,too.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, January 1st (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ldlh,

I'm glad you continue to post and I've been wanting to respond to you for a while but have needed to ensure that my response comes from compassion, not frustration.
We all know how horrible it is when someone just WON'T DO WHAT WE WANT THEM TO DO!!! Stop the porn, the acting out, the e-mail chats, whatever...
However, it's likely frustrating for many of us to read your posts (it is for me) because it's always easier to see someone else's situation more clearly than our own. And from where I sit, I see someone in such pain, being treated with such disrespect and putting up with it in the hopes that somehow, someday, some way he'll "get" it and recover.
He shows little signs of that.
You, however, are getting much clearer on what is healthy and what isn't -- but now you need to act on it.
You admit that you have no boundaries. Most of us didn't -- though it sounds like your background has NOT served you well. But it's time to develop some. It will feel weird but "normal" for you and many of us is NOT healthy. So you'll just have to deal with the discomfort of setting boundaries until it feels normal. Ask yourself what "respect" would feel like for you, then insist on it. If others can't treat you with respect, ensure that you treat yourself with it.
This is a lesson I'm still learning. It still catches me by surprise sometimes that I'm putting up with behaviour that others simply wouldn't.
Hang in there. We're all on your side. Heck, we're all on the same side!

EO


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, January 2nd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrs,
You mentioned an abstinence contract a while back.(Or anyone else who has a suggestion)

Where could I find this, or should my SAH's IC have already given him one?

I am discovering we need to have some definitions set out more clearly as we have different ideas of what is sexual or will lead to sexual feelings.

This hasn't been a bad revelation but actually very enlightening.

As always, thanks so much for your support and information. Our M would not be still alive if not for you all.


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
PiQue
♀ Member
Member # 17575
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, January 2nd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted this in General as well -

Knowing you can lead a horse to water, but can't make him drink...
How did you/your spouse come to the realization that you/they were a SA, and was there anything anyone could have said/done to point you/them in the right direction sooner?


Me/BW 50+
Him/WH 60+ Long Distance LTA
NEVER ignore your gut.


Posts: 2881 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Mid-Atlantic Region
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, January 2nd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PiQue,

Others with more wisdom will reply eventually. This forum can be slow and then just explode with responses.

To answer from my experience, there is nothing you can do to get him to "get it."

That is so incredibly hard to hear, accept and especially live.

You cannot control a SA. You cannot make them see the light.

I found out about 2 of the As last year in June. Learned of a 3rd in December. Learned of his webcam usage in January, and he said he thought he "might" be a SA. Took him another 8 months to go ahead and see a specialist and have it confirmed. During those 8 months he would rationalize that maybe he had spoken too soon and he was not a SA. He was in IC every other week for those 8 months. Still minimizing to the point that the IC thought I should back off him about the As and questions I still had.

I began to detach and really disconnect in July and August. That helped me retain sanity.

The very best you can do is to see what You need. Protect yourself. Make small attainable goals of taking care of yourself.

I had a tendency to think those words meant"make a decision on D or R." It doesn't have to be that huge a decision. Take care of yourself, just this hour or this day. Leave the house and do something that is just for you; exercise, bookstore, whatever works for you. Go to COSA or SA-Anon regardless what the SA-spouse does.

I fought so hard to give into the idea that I am powerless over his Addiction, but it has brought me such clarity, and relief.
It is so exhausting trying to find the right answers for everyone else, when you aren't searching for your own healthy outlook.
If you have lived with, or think you have, an SA, you will be worn out from the past and its traumas. You will need to take care of yourself, especially if he does end up in recovery.

ETA: Just a side note- I noticed your ages, and number of False R.
One of the situations that gives me hope, is a woman in our COSA group. They were married for 43 years before her SAH began recovery with a lot of hurt and trauma over the years. With her descriptions of the past few years with both of them recovering, I figure I can keep taking care of me, see where it goes, it's may not be too late.

[This message edited by too trusting BW at 1:56 PM, January 2nd (Friday)]


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
PiQue
♀ Member
Member # 17575
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, January 2nd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by PiQue at 9:18 PM, January 9th (Friday)]


Me/BW 50+
Him/WH 60+ Long Distance LTA
NEVER ignore your gut.


Posts: 2881 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Mid-Atlantic Region
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, January 2nd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't think my WH fit the profile either until I read about sexual anorexia, and I had a couple people here on SI ask if he was an addict of some kind.

You can send him the links, just don't expect some type of revelation until he is ready. My SAH actually took the test on Carnes' site on his own and scored significantly high. I still didn't know, because I didn't know about the stuff in his head. He did.
Still took him months after that.


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, January 2nd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrs,
You mentioned an abstinence contract a while back.

Where could I find this, or should my SAH's IC have already given him one?


As to whether his IC should have asked your husband to do this...the answer is yes. It's vitally important for the addict to get sober. The best way to do that is a 90 day abstinence from all sexual behavior including sex with one's spouse.

I'm pretty sure there is info on it in MASH. Do you have that book?

I Googled and found this for you.

"The first step is stopping sexual behaviors. This includes the three building-block behaviors - fantasy, masturabation, use of pornography - and any other behaviors addicts may have engaged in. Just as alcoholics need to stop drinking before they can be treated, sex addicts need to stop acting out before they can embark on the healing journey.

Tools and resources available to help addicts stop sexual behaviors include an abstinence contract, counseling, medical help, outpatient and intensive programs, and inpatient treatment.

Abstinence Contract:
It is vitally important for sex addicts to stop all sexual behaviors for at least ninety days. They should agree to an abstinence or celibacy contract, which states they will not be sexual with themselves (through masturbation) or anyone else, including a spouse. This contract achieves two basic purposes - one physiological and one intellectual. First, prolonged lack of sexual activity reverses the level of neuro-chemical tolerance addicts have built into their brains. Addicts may experience symptoms of detoxification not unlike an alcoholic, though not as severe. Most people really struggle with this contract somewhere between the seventh to fourteenth day depending on their past levels of sexual activity. After that, abstinence gets easier over time. Second, abstinence reverses the sex addict's core belief that "Sex is my most important need." Instead, the sex addict discovers, "Sex is NOT my most important need." This is why ninety days (though somewhat arbitrary) is symbolically important. Married sex addicts commit to this contract with the mutual consent of their spouse.

My rSA did have withdrawal symptoms. He was very crabby and acted out in anger during that phase. Once that passed we were able to work on building INTIMACY with no sex. Cuddling. Holding each other. Touching (non sexual only). We even did exercises aimed at being intimate and naked without sexual contact. It worked wonders for us. When we did begin making love again it was amazing. I didn't know what was missing before (genuine intimacy and a true connection) so I had no idea what I'd been missing out on. My rSA says the same. Making love now is just that, making love to his wife, it's not sex. It's not lust. It's true intimacy in it's purest form. He says it's the best, most satisfying "sex" he's ever had.

So the key here is not so much that you and he stop having sex, it's that he stops ALL sexual behavior completely. The contract is for him (but you need to agree too since he cannot have sex with you either) so that he can get sober. It's pointless for a couple to have a contract if the SA is not sober. If he's still masturbating there is no point.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
PiQue
♀ Member
Member # 17575
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, January 2nd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

work on building INTIMACY with no sex. Cuddling. Holding each other. Touching (non sexual only). We even did exercises aimed at being intimate and naked without sexual contact. It worked wonders for us. When we did begin making love again it was amazing. I didn't know what was missing before (genuine intimacy and a true connection) so I had no idea what I'd been missing out on. My rSA says the same. Making love now is just that, making love to his wife, it's not sex. It's not lust. It's true intimacy in it's purest form. He says it's the best, most satisfying "sex" he's ever had.

My WH and I used to have a true connection and genuine intimacy. I know what we've lost, and what he continues to now look for via other mediums...


Me/BW 50+
Him/WH 60+ Long Distance LTA
NEVER ignore your gut.


Posts: 2881 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Mid-Atlantic Region
Mourning123
♀ Member
Member # 19951
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, January 2nd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi PiQue,

To give you my two cents as to your question. Looking back, I never saw any red flags, until d-day #1. My (f?)WH didn't come clean until d-day #2 and #3, but immediately he begged to talk to our pastor, who suggested counseling. We miraculously got in to see IC the same week, and thus began the unraveling of my life and his and the revelation of SA. WH "got it" immediately and realized what a problem he had and how it could cost his marriage. I think my strength in that I was 100% ready to walk out the door helped him understand just how much damage this was causing. I'm still 100% ready to walk out the door, but I am choosing to trust him and we are working on reconciliation.

Hindsight is always 20/20, but I don't think anything could have helped this come out or helped us deal with it until the time was right. Some WHs get it and some don't.
I've followed much of 7yrs' advice with boundaries and have firmly set various levels of boundaries. My WH knows this and knows what will happen when/if he acts out on certain levels in the future. We are both continuing IC and group counseling and doing well. It's been six months for us and I still trigger at random, but the good days are getting us both through the bad days.

Lovedontlivehere,

Please listen to the others when they say you need to set boundaries. My heart breaks for what you are going through as I can't imagine if I was dealing with a partner who refused to get help. Stay strong and know that you are in my prayers.

For everyone else, I am praying that we all have a better 2009!


Posts: 372 | Registered: Jun 2008
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, January 2nd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks 7yrs,
So he was told to do 90 days. He relapsed at about 45 days, at same time he needed to start with new IC. Old one had only seen him twice.

This new IC told him to wait on restarting 90 until he had a first IC visit beginning of Dec. She didn't mention 90, they spoke of other things. Same for his last visit two weeks ago. I know it is mentioned and assumed, but won't I be included in some way?

While WH is not "technically" (I feel rationalization) in the 90, he feels sex with spouse is ok.
To clarify, we have twice, and no I didn't feel pushed or unwilling, although, it did feel not right to me after. Like breaking a rule, like a teenager?

No porn, no pics, no chatting with strange women, and absolutely no masturbation.

I guess my confusion lies in that middle ground between being supportive, and doing what feels right for myself. If he needs to have a little more time in IC, before a strong abstinence, that is up to he and the counselor. I know this is me not worrying about whether his recovery is going "right." Not my job.

I told SAH that I think regardless what he is doing as far as abstinence, I will be abstinent, until it feels right.

I feel, too, that it is something that we should agree to. Because I am not always aware of what "intimate contact" is going to send him down that road, I was hoping for some guidelines to help us walk through just what kind of contact so we are in agreement. For example, some things are only relaxing to me, but much more sexual for him. Make sense?

I have not seen withdrawal symptoms since the first 30, and I assume it will happen as he starts over.

I will look again at MASH and see if there is something clearer for me. Maybe am looking for something easier and it isn't going to be?
The intimacy exercises are something I cannot even fathom him handling yet, but boy do I look forward to them!


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
goingstrong
♀ Member
Member # 16314
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, January 3rd (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't post down here very often. But my WH received his 6 month chip at his SAA meeting today.

I can't believe it's been six months already (or really that it's only been 6 months--kwim).

I think he wanted me to be proud of him. All I could say is--what are you supposed to do with that.

I don't know--maybe I was being hard and should have offered some praise. Pretty sure, though, that me still being here should be enough "praise".


Me: BW (25)
Him: WH (31)
2 beautiful boys, 9 & 3

Posts: 112 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: Ohio
am I crazy
♀ Member
Member # 21511
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, January 3rd (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(GS) My H has made it his goal to never have online f*%k friends again??? WTF am I supposed to thank him or what? I didn't realize that it would be so difficult for him.

[This message edited by am I crazy at 3:21 PM, January 3rd (Saturday)]


BS 44
WS 48
Multiple OW on internet

"So, So what, I'm still a rock star, I've got my rock moves and I don't need you" ~ Pink

Life is great!


Posts: 269 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Lost, but looking for myself
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, January 3rd (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I expanded my one boundary-

1. Searching for whores or massage parlors (ie cyber cruising for erotic services) will result in the end of our relationship. Looking up women on Yahoo! Personals or anything other dating or personals medium or group will have the following repercussion-we will not have sex for at least 4 weeks during which we both get tested.

I also thought of-

-I want access to all e-mail accounts and passwords, bank statements, telephone records,etc.

-Continued porn usage, lies, and unremorsefulness, and we are going back to a counselor.

My partiner and I may be spending several months apart. I'm a little worried about what would happen.

[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 7:05 PM, January 3rd (Saturday)]


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, January 3rd (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ldlh - the distance for us has been excruciating. That is when he acted out the worst and that is how I found out. However, I am glad I found out, because it could have gone on for years before I figured all this out.

That said, the only way I can even continue in this relationship with him so far away is since he gave me his laptop, and I know for certain he does not have other access, because that is his medium for acting out. He likes the anonymity. He works 13 hours a night, comes home dead tired and goes to bed, gets up at 3, showers, eats, and is back to work at 5. I have gone to work with him enough to know what his schedule is like, and I call him all hours of the day and night and I feel somewhat comfortable right now that he is not acting out right now. I believe since he gave up the laptop, he has settled more into a sexual anorexia (spelled right?), because he did that while he was with me a lot and he is able to do that for long periods of time. Also, my last visit we had a lot of discussion in which I finally got to tell him he is a SA and why I think he is, and he has been thinking this stuff over. Also, right now his mom is staying with him for a month.

There is a possibility he may get a promotion, which means he will have a lot more time off, and if that happens, I don't know how I will handle it; I know I will not be comfortable knowing he has free time on his hands. Sad to be in this position, huh!

I just keep trying to find ways to strengthen myself, so I can stand on my own feet, so if I do catch him acting out, I can leave and put an end to this mess.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14905 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, January 4th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lovedontlivehere,

My heart aches when I read your posts. You are with a very ill person who does not recognize he has a problem, let alone seeking or accepting help.

I will tell you a story - please bear with me, I have a point. A friend of mine (about my age) was a long time alcoholic. Her loving husband stood by her while she lost her job, had her driver's licence confiscated (due to her seizures), and went in and out of hospitals. He made monumental efforts in supporting her and in trying to help her recognize she had an addiction. He even abstained from alcohol himself to support her. When they visited her parents out of town, her parents wanted to drive her immediately to a rehab facility nearby. She threatened that if they would do that, she would jump in a Greyhound bus and return home. One summer several years ago, she was admitted to the hospital for liver failure. The doctor told her the next time she arrived at the hospital, she would not leave it. September of that year, she died at home from liver failrue.

Here is my point - if your husband does not realize he has a problem, or refuses to accept that he does, and he does not seek or accept help, there is no amount of persuade and boundary setting on your part that will stop this downward spiral which will eventually destroy his life. Look at my friend - what is more persuaive and threatening than life and death? Yet, she continued to drink.

I stand by my comments a few months ago - stop expending your energy in checking up on him and setting boundaries. There is no point. You are guanranteed to find inappropriate behaviours. He is guaranteed to breach the boundaries.

Enough about your husband. Just as frustrated and heart wrenching it is for you to see your husband self-destruct and refuses to acknowledge the problem, please understand you are co-dependent. You are engaging in self-destructive behaviours by (a) expending energy in trying to "fix" him; and (b) engaging in inappropriate behaviours yourself. The consequences of these behaviours run deeper - they ruin your self-respect and self-worth. Just like no one can force my friend to stop drinking, and no one can force your husband to stop acting out, it is up to you to recognize your own behaviours as being soul-destroying.

Exactly like what you are telling your husband, YOU have to recognize there is a problem, seek and accept help, and commit to making positive changes. I recognize It is easier said than done. Each of us travel through this journey at different speeds, following different paths. We are here to support you, like family. Please continue to post as often as you need. But most importantly, know that you are important and valued, that you deserve respect (not only from others, but from yourself), and that you are very much loved (like all of us here). If you are ready, please seek professional advice before you yourself go into a downward spiral.

My thoughts are with you.

birdwatch

[This message edited by birdwatch at 11:49 AM, January 4th (Sunday)]


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, January 4th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PiQue,

How did you/your spouse come to the realization that you/they were a SA, and was there anything anyone could have said/done to point you/them in the right direction sooner?

I am sorry that this ordeal has happened to you, but am glad that you have found us for support.

As to your question, every SA is different. I doubt you will find common patterns. I read responses to your Post from others with different experiences. I can share mine in the hope that it may help.

My husband knew he has a problem even before my discovery. He began with cybersex and phone sex, rationalizing there is no harm. Then before he knew it, he became an addict. The "thrill" of cybersex and phone sex was no longer satisfying him. He proceeded to engage in meeting with women (on dates) and posting on dating sites. He was still rationalizing and compartmentalizing, convincing himself that there was no harm. Then, he dated some of these women and actually had sex with them. I think that was the point when he recognized himself that he has a major problem (this is even before I discovered). However, at that point, he was too addicted and ashamed to admit to me or to seek help. He tried going cold turkey all by himself, and obviously, that failed.

Thus, in answering your question, my husband knew he had a problem before I even discovered anything, even though he might not have labelled it SA.

When I discovered and demanded that he saw a therapist immediately, he did not resist at all. Partly, no doubt, it was for my benefit. He knew if he did not seek help, he would lose me. But that in itself would never have been sufficient for a SA to recover (i.e. it is never sufficient if a SA is only going through the motion to please another). He knew he had a problem a long time ago, and he knew he had failed in trying to stop by himself. At that time, he hit rock bottom. He kept on saying, "I have such a great life, a great house, a great spouse, and I fu*k it all up, I did it to myself and to us." I do not think there was even a moment when he thought everything was okay, that he could continue acting out, or that he did not need help.

Again, I am not sure if this helps you, because as I said, each of us has our own stories. Take care, keep posting and you are in my thoughts.

birdwatch

[This message edited by birdwatch at 1:59 PM, January 4th (Sunday)]


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, January 4th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NaiveAgain,
I'm concerned about the distance for several reasons. One big reasons is that I don't want him going to strip clubs. In the past he hasn't just been a patron, he's actually dated strippers before.

My partner is basically an IT analyst, so he can't get rid of his computers. When I was with him, it did seem like he transfered most of his energies to work. I may be with a workaholic sexaholic alcoholic.

Birdwatch, I definitely agree that I'm codependent. In fact, I'm probably codependent to 2 sex/porn addicts. My grandpa has quite the collection, I mean from the 80s,90s, and today. He's never been diagnosed, but no one around him would be surprised.

I don't know how much longer I can even bear to stay with him. I am better about not checking up though. I checked in November (had suspicions), and I checked several times the past 2 weeks. At this point, I can admit that I am powerless, not only that, but he doesn't care about our sex life nor does he care about how all this makes me feel. I admit, I would like to see his bank statements and his activity at his Yahoo groups.I can't help but wonder how much he really spends on porn. He says $20. I'm not buying it!

He's running out of chances, and I'm running out of patience.

However, some things are going to have to change for me to even think about being with him. He's gonna have to stop lying, he's gonna have to stop making me feel crazy, and he's gonna have to stop making me out to be the Grinch who's stealing his fun.

Right now I'm reading Contrary to Love. One part really stuck out to me. Carnes names pregnancy and kids as a catalyst for addiction. The addict feels abandoned b/c the attention is no longer to him. It was like he was preaching to choir cuz I know in my heart that's when things really started to go down hill.

I think he's trying to take advantage of the fact that I'm 17 years his junionr (yes, and I still get rejected for sex), and he doesn't think I have any experience with men.

[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 4:15 PM, January 4th (Sunday)]


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, January 5th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lovedontlivehere,

I wish to write in response to your most recent Post.

You have been diligent in acquiring information on SA and co-dependency. You should be proud of yourself for taking that difficult first step. I believe you are in the part of the healing process that you have the knowledge and information, but are simply not willing, ready and/or able to act on it. Thus, while I doubt it is ever harmful to learn more, I do not believe reading another book or searching on another website will help you or your husband.

You said,

However, some things are going to have to change for me to even think about being with him. He's gonna have to stop lying, he's gonna have to stop making me feel crazy, and he's gonna have to stop making me out to be the Grinch who's stealing his fun.

It is important for you to hear this - he IS lying, he IS making you feel crazy, and he IS blaming you; and he WILL CONTINUE to do so because he does not recognize he has a problem. Thus, when you said, "I am going to do XYZ IF he lies, etc.", you are in fact simply delaying doing XYZ yourself. That is because it is no "if" here - he IS lying and acting out as we speak.

All of us here care a great deal about you. I am terribly sorry that you are struggling. Believe me, all of us get "stuck"" at some point or another (I have been stuck for a couple of months at wanting ruthless revenge against one of the OWs who actually came to my house). I understand your pain and suffering. We are all here to listen and support you.

birdwatch


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
onceinlove
♀ Member
Member # 19874
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, January 5th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How did you/your spouse come to the realization that you/they were a SA, and was there anything anyone could have said/done to point you/them in the right direction sooner?

My FWH tells me that after the first A in 2002, he tried to stop but couldn't. He even accepted a work transfer that moved us 300 miles away from OW#1, who worked at a factory my FWH ran.

But FWH couldn't stop. I think that OW#1 probably talked about the A with co-workers and word eventually reached the new factory that FWH was a "player."

SIDEBAR: FWH was certain that no one at his factories knew what he was doing. I had to gently point out that if you're trailer trash, fu*%ing the king is like winning the lottery. It's meaningless unless you tell someone. It's simply too juicy to keep secret. You tell your BFF, who tells her BFF until the whole factory knows and it's an open secret. END SIDEBAR

OW#1 visited him at the new location and then broke it off. FWH moved on to OW#2 and then to OW#3, both employees at the new factory.

The pattern was always the same. He would give into the desire to experience the thrill of secret sex, then despise himself afterwards. Every time he would say "this is the last time" and swear to stop.

There were gaps of up to six months where he wasn't seeing any OW. But for most of the past six years, there was always an OW whom he would have sex with once a month or later, with OW#6, once or twice a week.

I didn't have any idea that he was fucking around. I knew that I was married to an angry, distant workaholic but was trying my best to cope with Al-Alon tools. I thought I was detaching with love as I lived my life and let him live his. Our marriage was an emotional void.

FWH tells me that about a year before he confessed on D-Day that he knew he had a problem. Up until then he had been convinced that he could control it. He could stop having affairs, never have to tell me the truth and things would be fine.

Trouble is, he couldn't. The guilt and shame of the double life were too much.

All the A's started when his judgment was impaired by alcohol. About a year before he confessed, FWH said that he looked up Alcoholics Anonymous on the internet thinking that maybe that would help him stop the affairs. He knew that 12 step programs had helped me recover from compulsive eating and alcoholism. In fact, I have been sober and abstinent during our entire marriage and he knew a bit about the 12 step way of life. But he abandoned the idea when he saw steps 5 (sharing your moral inventory with another person) and 9 (making amends).

He had been threatening to kill himself for several years and I didn't know why. After D-Day when he confessed the bulk of his secret life, I found out why. He was enslaved. He wanted to stop but he couldn't stop.

The day he confessed was surreal. I listened to him tell me about his double life. I was in shock. But the "inner sponsor" in me knew exactly what the problem was. I sponsor people in both programs and had heard sponsees deal with these same issues. I was dealing with an addict who only a few hours earlier had sat in a hotel room with a pistol in his mouth ready to pull the trigger.

That "inner sponsor" in me said to him "it's NC, IC and working the steps in AA and SA...if you refuse you will have to find another place to live." He found meetings the next day and hasn't looked back.

That was this past June. It has been a hellish roller coaster ever since. There was trickle truth--mostly about the details, which included two 3-ways while on business trips with the employees he was screwing. There are times that I'm not sure that I have the whole truth. But the man he is today is so drastically different from the man he was before D-Day.

Today he is sober and willing to look at what is broken in himself. In the meantime, I am looking at myself in S-Anon.

So, long story short, my FWH knew that he had a problem. He just didn't know the name of his problem. But I did. He tells me that I saved his life and that's probably true.

Of course, that knowledge isn't enough to help me when I'm on a dip in the roller coaster but I'm trying to focus on the fact that this is a process that I'll be in for awhile.

All is well...and if it isn't, it will be shortly.

Hugs to all...

[This message edited by onceinlove at 1:29 PM, January 5th (Monday)]


Him: WH 48
Me:BS 48
M: 17 years
D-Day: June 17, 2008
WH confessed to 6 APs over 6 yrs, including 2 LTAs; now in SA recovery--approaching 2.5 years of sobriety
Status: R


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