SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know it's over, and I can't change what happened, and if I could jsut get my head around it and stop thinking "I can't believe he did this to me" "I can't believe he never stepped back from it when he had the chance" "I can't believe it happened so many times (one OW)".....if I could just stop this, I know I would get better faster. Do I need to do this to get it all out and then move on? What do you tell yourself to snap out of it? I had some mantra's early on after D-day but they don't work anymore because we are no longer in R (for now).

I would love to know how to stop thinking about the past too. I am a year out from d-day and still dwell on something that cannot be changed.

I have accepted that my H chose to betray me but I cannot seem to let it go.

Hopefully, someone will come along with some advice.

Recognize you make choices.

Recognize that you only can control yourself, not others.

If you were in R and it was unsatisfactory, for whatever reason, you have the choice to leave.

You can control what you'll accept and what you won't.

Getting caught up in "what ifs" and "If he would only do X" and "What did that mean?" is a recipe for misery. Put the focus on you and what YOU want.

Doesn't mean your WS wasn't a total shit. Means that in the face of that, who are you? What do you stand for?

I left my M recently. Stopped trying after a long, long series of false Rs.

I don't dwell on the past much anymore like I did when I was trying. It doesn't matter. It happened. What his motivations were (if he understands them himself, I doubt it) are irrelevant.

I'm moving forward. I feel SO much lighter. So much happier. So free from this crap.

You might still be in the grieving stage, sounds like it. But when you put yourself in the driver's seat, I think you'll feel better and will stop dwelling.

Look forward, not back.

I don't think the past can be forgotten. And take this with a grain of salt from a newbie but what I am trying to do is focus on now and the future ( a future with no more A's of course )

I think of all the wonderful things in my life, all the progress WH has made, all the big and small gestures of love. Those are things that help me to not dwell on the past.

SD, though it may not seem like it, you're still relatively close to your d-day. Time does help. I know that may not be very comforting right now, but it's true.

If you feel that these thoughts are seriously troubling you, you might want to seek counseling. Some people believe that many BS's experience PTDS, or something quite like it. You may be able to find help with a professional.

(((SD)))

This issue is hard for everyone who has gone through this - you are definately not alone on this one.

Part of my training for what I do involves a knowledge of neurology. If I hadn't studied this field, I wouldn't know much about brain processes information, and it turns out this topic brought me alot of comfort with this very problem.

You see, when you experience something new, whether it's good or bad, your brain stores it immediately in a section that is "new news". This is a frequently accessed area, so the subjects stored there come up frequently.

There is also a section fo the brain that is "old news". This area is dusty and much less accessed, and when things go there they are thought of MUCH less. Some go there and hardly ever get thought of again.

In order to move something from the "new news" section of the brain to the "old news section", your brain has to think about it a certain number of times. The number of times is dependent on both the individual and the size and novelty of the issue. The fact that I stubbed my toe this morning moves to the old new section alot faster than the fact that a loved one died.

So, you have to think of the infidelity, and the OP, and the lies, and the betrayal a certain number of times before it can be appropriately processed by the brain. This is literally the proceedure your brain must go through in order to make memories and incorprate a new fact into your reality. Which is why now, it still feels new and surprising and surreal everytime you think about it. Later, after the number of times is reached, it will be easier to accept as reality, and you'll think of it less and less until you barely think of it at all.

Why did knowing that make me feel better? Because every time I suffered from another thoguht about all this bad stuff, I realized that I could check another time off toward moving this thought along. It helped me see thinking abotu it as something natural that I needed to go through to help me feel better later. I stopped dreading the thoughts, and just let them come, because I knew the more they did, that everytime I was one step closer to putting this away.

And, sure enough, the more they came, and the less I fought it, the happier I was, and the faster I was able to heal. Now I think of it much less.

I hope this helps...

[This message edited by crycrycry at 6:51 PM, July 17th (Thursday)]

crycrycry...

OMG, THANK YOU!!!

I'm not trying to jack the thread, but SoDisappointed's post is so relevant to me (and several hundred other BS's here, I'm sure!)

I really needed to put a positive spin on something that's painful and depressing and frightening - instead of feeling out of control and at the mercy of my obsessive thoughts, I can accept it as a natural process of healing.

Thank you!

crycrycry that is a very interesting post.

It is what I have been saying to my husband in my layman words and didn't know it was an actual process of the brain.

I feel so crazy some days. It really helped to hear this.

Thanks for the explaination.

I believe cry gave you some very good advice and I thank you for posting this and her for the reminder

((sodisappointed))

I stopped thinking about it by focusing on my and my kid's future.

Cry - Great post! I didn't know there was a biological process behind dealing with a painful memory.

I do agree that time is the only thing that helps...but what a positive way to deal with the painful thoughts!

Cry - Great post! I didn't know there was a biological process behind dealing with a painful memory.

I do agree that time is the only thing that helps...but what a positive way to deal with the painful thoughts!

ccc is exactly right. I went through this for such a long, long time. time is your friend here as each day you chalk up a new experience, it puts it that much closer to the old memories bank. this is a huge event so be patient with yourself. I rehashed it to no end and *finally* got bored with it. boredom is good for a bs in this regard.

SD....I truly understand what you are saying...we've talked a bit before so I feel we are in the same place with processing all of this.

While I understand what CCC is saying and agree....it still feels overwhelming even when you get what is happening.

I tried to explain to a friend that it is not just a singular event...but a year long series of stuff....

I think of all the times he looked in my eyes and lied, all the things he didn't tell me, the times he sneaked to call her or text her...the times I left the house to go to work and thought he did too and he was running to her house....the gaslighting, the verbal cruelty...the fights! So it just goes on and on and on in my mind...the things he did and was WILLING to do to keep the A going....then he was given a second chance and I thought he was NC, only to find out he was still texting her!

I understand all the comments about making a decision to move on, controlling your thoughts...I really get those and I am a STRONG minded woman...but right now, it is just not possible to do those things.

You can have the best intentions of "moving forward" and a random thought will worm into your head....I am trying to have fewer melt downs because of these thoughts...I've had EMDR therapy to stop the mind movies...but right now, I just can't be heroic about this stuff...it just is what it is and I can't control it right now. Maybe tomorrow.

I would like to know also. It's been 3 yrs for me and I still think about it everyday, every minute. I try not to, but it's kinda hard when your H treats you like crap everyday and he treated the OW like she was his wife.

If you feel that these thoughts are seriously troubling you, you might want to seek counseling. Some people believe that many BS's experience PTDS, or something quite like it. You may be able to find help with a professional.

Best advice after staying VERY busy with exercise and hobbies and spending time with nice people who reflect your post-A values, whatever they are.

And stay away from toxic people.

crycrycry--

I'm so thankful for your insights!

I stop thinking about it when I just got tired of thinking about it. It was taking away from my joy in life and I refused to let it. It was letting the affair happen over and over again. I took control.. Got mad and said "shit happends, I can't control what another person does, but I can control what I think about and I'm done thinking about this and letting it distroy my happiness. With or without this man. I am the one that makes me happy! He can or can not inhance. But he nor her can rob me of my joy anymore.

I thought I had an unhelathy obsession with the A, but maybe I need to process it in order to let it go.

Every morning I wake up and it's one of the first things I think about. I decide before I get out of bed if I am going to have a good day or a bad day. I usually decide to have a good day and I keep busy trying to put the past in the past.

I have noticed that the farther from D-day I get the better I am in terms of stress and obsession. I doubt it will ever really go away completely, but hopefully it will not always be so painful. I think it's like a real bad physical injury - it will take a long time to heal and it may always bother you to a degree, but it doesn't have to run your life. I suffered a bad mountain bike crash a few years ago. I was in serious pain for months. It slowly got better, but even now I can feel a slight amount of pain from time to time. I doubt it will ever go away completely and the scar will be there forever.

WOW! I love being able to come here and share. I've been having such a hard time lately, tomorrow is the 6 month mark for me...time has flown, but also stood still at the same time. I am as upset now as I was then and in a lot of ways, still as shocked/overwhelmed. Another SI'er said something once about a WS who has been held in high regard makes it harder for the BS to reconcille the behavior with the person. Maybe that's part of why I struggle. My H was perfect for me and we were so happy, and this just doesn't fit in the mix. I was loved throughout the A and had no clue, he never withdrew from me or our family. Compartmentalization at it's best! Not sure if that is good or bad though!? We had a long talk last night. He is not in the fog anymore, I don't think, but he still cannot say without a doubt that he didn't love OW. That is SO WHAT I NEED TO HEAR. I have shown him stuff here and he says it sounds about right but still, he cannot say without a doubt that he didn't actually love her. He just says that maybe it is possible to love two people at the same time. This is where the past gets me, I feel that I cannot love a man who is/was capable of that. Am I crazy, am I expecting too much???

I try sooo hard to let go of it but we have 19+ years together, kids, and an entire life! How can you just let go of that overnight? I know I have to get past it in order to be happy again. I know I will come out the other end a much stronger and more aware person but the road feels so long and bumpy most of the time.

I think that I need to obssess over certain things for awhile in order to move past them. Like Cry said, totally true and makes so much sense (thank you for that). I guess the more you think about it, even though it feels fruitless at the time, it must serve to dull it a bit so that you can move it to the back room of your brain. I couldn't live the rest of my life with thoughts like this always in the forefront!

I have always believed in fate and that we meet people for a reason. So that brings me to OW, why did she enter my life? Was it so that I could start over or fight to stay? I hope to have that answer one day when I am feeling more healed and stronger than right now.

I appreciate being told that only I can control myself and my feelings. On a good day I can really do that. I can tell myself that my H's selfish actions cannot ruin my life or my happiness, that I deserve to be happy and not be dragged down with him. He is very remorseful but until I can deal with all this wallowing, I can't really work on staying with him. I guess what I really want to say is, if I could only work through all the "What if's" and the "If only's" and the "How could he's?" then I could move further down the road to healing. Does that make sense? I just need to keep telling myself to be strong, that I will make it through like so many people here have. Many stories are worse than mine and yet those SI'ers really do survive and thrive after their story is over.

Thanks everyone for your input. It helps to know we are all in this together, you know?

(((big hugs to all of you)))

SD