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User Topic: Long Term Affairs X I I I
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, September 8th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all.

Thanks my friends for watching out for me. sometimes you feel so alone.

Fnf,
I totally understand what you are saying. Shirley phrased it so aptly: all the players are there.

I guess I have become a bit brutal, but does your H really need to make frequent calls? As for visiting, I think its best you visit with him. If anything, being so sick, it might have made this woman revisit her life...and maybe, just maybe, this might give her an opportunity to apologise. But we are with you on this:
"All poison must be kept out!"

***
Shirley, you are doing well.

***

((((whimsey))))
It does take a special kind of strength dealing with an innocent OC. You are amazing.

***
Had IC today after a months break.

This is her take, and it got me thinking.

The better I was doing (work, home etc), the lower H started to slip.
He "needs" me to be down and out, to be empty and feeling worthless and stressed, so that he can be the good, strong guy. When I am doing well and flying high, he starts poking holes and keeps on till I cant take it anymore and crash. The harder I fight it, the dirtier he gets.
I end up one of 2 ways, which is ok with him. Either I fight dirty back, or I crash and burn.For the last year, i have been fighting dirty.I still crash a bit but bounce back. This time however, the accumulation of so many things going wrong,gave me no chance. I am burning out.

I want calm and stability and I want to move forward.. When we get that, he cant handle it. He needs extremities, and drama and action.I provide that for him when I react. And then he gets to be the good guy.
And then I beat myself up (after he does)and here I am...peeking into the darkness again.

She doesnt think he does this deliberately. She thinks maybe he does this to stop himself from dealing with his "old" issues. And now matter how much dont react, he knows me so well, he will always find a weak spot (and I have loads).

She says I cant carry on like this. She is afraid that it would be too much for me oneday and I will just up and quit. I am afraid too. She wants me to seriously think aboout what I want, and whether he can give that to me. Consistently.
Or would we spend the rest of our loves stuck on ths ferris wheel?

I told her I just cant fight anymore. I cant.

And the the thing is, is that he thinks its all me. Its all in my head, I am a drama queen who doesnt want to let go of the past; that he is not cheating but I want to punish him for th rest of his life by acting like this. HE wants me to sort myself out in IC, so that we can build a life.
He does not want to look at himself. Just me and my issues. Cos thats where all the problems are at. When you have been hearing this for so long (most of my childhood and adulthood)tell me, how can you believe other wise? HOW?

She says she is going to help me. But what would be the point if he is going to always bring me down again?

I honestly wonder if I am such a crazy, loony mad person, what is he doing here then? Is it so that he can make himself look/feel better?

Sorry for being such a downer, tribe.
I am trying.

***
((((Tribe))))


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, September 8th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He "needs" me to be down and out, to be empty and feeling worthless and stressed, so that he can be the good, strong guy. When I am doing well and flying high, he starts poking holes and keeps on till I cant take it anymore and crash.

I agree with her and I am not even there!!! You will be posting here sounding so strong and doing so well and then he will do something to sabotage you and send you reeling. I can't stop thinking about his behavior before your trip. That was clearly designed to send you over the edge. HE needs to find out why he does this, why he NEEDS you to be down. I am going to guess that he helps his self-esteem to feel as if he is "saving" you. If he doesn't have anyone to "take care of", then he feels worthless. These are deep self-esteem issues that I am sure go back into childhood. If he isn't willing to sort them out, you are in danger of being subjected to this behavior for a very long time. Hon, you don't want that and we don't want that for you. Look out for yourself (and your little ones). Do what you need to do to protect your mental well-being.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, September 8th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BT Just hoping everything is passing you and yours by and that all is safe and sound. Keeping you in my thoughts.

FNF, I would suggest that if your H wants to visit her in hospital that you go too. You can wait for him in the cafeteria or a lounge area while he goes to see her. Then you will know if OW is stupid enough to engineer a “fancy seeing you here” meeting.

But if you have made your feelings plain to your H, then he should do no more than make courteous enquiries through a third person as to her welfare. She should not be a problem to you. And you are not being heartless. If I’m honest, I’d struggle with it too. You owe her nothing. And that’s what it comes down to, I guess.

LostH –If you can’t fight, then don’t. Find that person you want to be and play it out until it’s real. Please just try to breathe deep, take stock and move away. Your IC is probably right, he is pushing his issues onto you and wanting you to take the blame. Don’t take it. No fuss, just hand it right on back. And move away. Being a drama queen only works when it has the effect the DQ wants. Otherwise it’s wasted energy. If it carries on with the S thoughts, maybe you should take another visit to your doctor. That does worry me. And please try to see someone from the CAB, they have pretty friendly opening times and there will be one very close to you. Someone will have seen the very same scenario you want to discuss and they will help you get another Plan to put in your Plans Folder! Wouldn’t that make you feel a little more confident all round, just knowing where you stand in this country? He doesn’t have to know you’ve been, in fact it’s preferable he doesn’t. Hugs hon. When do the kids go back, or have they already? We’ll make for a meet before half term – yes? (((((LostH)))))

Hi Hurt789. I’m one of the “lesser” sufferers, if there is such a thing, as my H’s affair was “only” five years. But with old GF/fiancée, which threw me right down there in the worthless pit b/c it turns out that she was a ghost for years before he linked up with her again. So, yes, another marriage that was a lie. But, you’ll get support, friendship and advice in bucketloads. I agree with FNF about the degree of selfishness and you have the added grief of betrayal for the whole family. As far as your FWH goes, sounds like so far so good. Expect your setbacks and steps forward. It can be very confusing at times and the range of emotions will engulf you. There is light at the end of the tunnel and there are those here who have made the long journey showing the rest of us that it can be done. Welcome.

Hey 25W!! Of course we understand.

For us, it's more like an ex-wife than some slut—

Insomuch as there is OC. Otherwise there would be no ongoing contact. And I grieve for you having to endure that. And I have the OW as the former fiancée who feels like an ex-wife, but without the inconvenience of offspring. All I can say is that thank goodness H had a vasectomy and that she was getting too old! As to the point of him just considering her to be the mother of his child and that he doesn’t really have any feelings for her (forgive me if I’ve asked this before), does he now view her as a distant relation and the child as a godchild or someone for whom his responsibility was foisted upon? Must be a strange state to be in. Your H must look at you in disbelief and wonder. I agree you are just amazing.

My inner two year old is constantly wanting to lie on the floor, kick her feet and yell "NO FAIR"
.
Me too!!!

“Normal is good.” Hmm. I still can’t take “normal” cos I don’t know what it is or what I want it to be! Normal is what he was trying to get away from, and yet whenever I’ve suggested we live separately so that we can do dates and arrange times to be together he is adamant that this is what he wants. But at the time, he sure as heck didn’t. Confused? Yup.

Nite all.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 4:55 PM, September 8th (Monday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
humiliatedagain
♀ New Member
Member # 20939
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, September 8th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am just bumping my intro over to here. It seems more appropriate that I try to get advice here. my situation: I have been married for 32 years. Three adult children. Back in 2003 I learned that my H had been in an affair for 3 yrs. with the same woman. He was lying to her about being married the whole time. She found out through her father. It was easy for him, since we have two homes. She was always at the home I rarely spent time at. She called me to find out if it was true that he was still married. I was in shock and thought my marriage was wonderful, although our sex life had gone downhill. My H was still very affectionate toward me and seemed happy with me. Anyway he went NC and we went to extensive MC for almost two years. I thought we had worked through his A and I thought everything was back to normal. Boy, was I wrong. It turns out after just 5 months of NC, he started seeing her again (the same woman), and continued for 5 more years. She text me saying the A was still going on. He has admitted it, and now I dont know what to do. He claims that he loves me but is not in love with me. He really wont open up to me on how he feels about the other woman. I am not sure what to do. We have already been to counseling for almost two yrs and I thought everything was fine. I am crushed and need advice on what my next step should be. How can I trust him again. He says he is NC with OW again, but I dont believe him. He is so smooth when it comes to lying I dont know what to believe - Im extremely leary of going back to MC. We did this two yrs already and he never stopped seeing other woman for too long. I think he is in love with her, and now he seems very distant and distracted. I think he is just with me for the security.

Posts: 15 | Registered: Sep 2008
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, September 8th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh man, humiliated, I always said if I found out about another affair or that he was lying about any signficant parts (like length or more LTAs) I would be done. I know he's not seeing his OW because she's dead, but even her friends are off limits to him. If he started talking or seeing them, I'd walk at that too.

If you've been around, look at the 180 list. You need to do this to maintain YOUR sanity. Of course you can't believe a word he says. And really, let him stew or whatever, while you take care of yourself.

#1 I'd go to see a lawyer to get my ducks in a row, even if you don't want a divorce, you need the advice in case you're not given a choice.

#2 I'd rally as many friends and relatives around me as I could and spill the whole freaking mess. I've kept quiet all this time and I think telling someone trusted that can tell you what your H is doing or thinking can be a real benefit.

#3 I'd start stashing away money for an escape. Is the house he used in both your names? Pick the one you love and Start looking for a realtor for the other. I think when they've gone and done this all the while in MC and after seeing what the LTA did to you when you found out, then they deserve nothing from the marriage. NOTHING. Gather your evidence and put it away safely.

NOW, if you don't want to do any of the above, I understand. I don't know if after 2 years of IC I would EVER think about being with him again in light of your revelations, but I never thought I'd be here after the revelation I got.

But you do need to protect yourself financially and emotionally. Get a good IC. Get yourself a money stash and start a plan. Sometimes it does take seeing you getting ready to walk to make them wake up fully to what they're about to lose.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, September 8th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes it does take seeing you getting ready to walk to make them wake up fully to what they're about to lose.

What weepy said--her whole post.

If he's just in the marriage for the security, you have to decide why you want to be in the marriage. People stay together for many reasons after an A--but most BS want more from the relationship than just security. Sounds like he needs some IC for just himself--and maybe you could too, to hash out what this all means to you and how to proceed.

Protect yourself, and be ready for a continued roller coaster, no matter what you choose. To me, LTA's do mean the WS gave of himself to and cared for someone outside the M, someone he should not have given his emotional life to--and that has ramifications for reconciliation. And makes it that much harder.

I saw on another of your posts that this d-day was exposed by the OW, to help her leave your WS. Another blow to your self-esteem, as if the "I love you but am not in love with you" wasn't bad enough. Think of what YOU need--you deserve that.

And get those ducks in a row.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
humiliatedagain
♀ New Member
Member # 20939
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, September 8th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ty all very much. I am still trying to process everything. I am in touch with an atty. I am in the house and he is out. I am doing 180 and have put money aside.

I think he has a separate account. Not sure how to find that out. I cant even look at the phone bill or credit card b/c they dont come to the house. I found out he has a PO Box too. I am so upset. And, yes the OW spilled the beans on the affair. I think she was fed up too with him lying to her. He says its over but I surely dont believe him. He is a coward. I dont even know him anymore. He is not the same man I thought he was. Good husband, wonderful father, good provider. I have been totally blindsided again. I am going to IC to starting thursday. I am so lost and I thank you for your support.


Posts: 15 | Registered: Sep 2008
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:18 AM, September 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Quick post to say hi and hugs to (((humiliatedagain))). You have been givensome excellent advice already and I would say to continue following through on those.
I think he really loves this other woman, but loves the security that I give him.

It’s called cake-eating. And that’s what he has been doing, having his cake and eating it. Pure and utter selfishness with no regard for either you or OW. I would get OW on board for a while and find out what he has been saying to her and the promises he made. You know - that quote about keeping your friends close, but your enemies closer still may work in your favour. It did for me and I found out a whole can of worms H was never going to tell me. I think if you had said to him that you would D should he do it again, you have to go at least 75% of the way down that road. Throw the fury of a woman scorned at him and I would suggest that you choose an appropriate time to tell your children, esp as he is not living with you at present. That way it’s all out in the open and he has nowhere to hide.

He will have to reveal all his finances to his atty, warn him that if he doesn’t, he could face charges. Menawhile, stash some cash with a friend as an emergency fund, if you feel you need one.

Keep to the 180, right now it’s the best thing you can do. He’s been pushed off the fence and lies in his own mess. He’s probably not sure what to do, but I would be very wary of any advice he may be getting from his divorced “friend”…..

Gotta run. Hugs tribe.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, September 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all:

We are back home, a little weary and stressed but all in one piece and finally with full power and internet. I will try to go back and read, but in the meantime just wanted to say hi and send best wishes to all, including the newcomers.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, September 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BT: You're not going to have to get out of the way of Ike are you? Haven't seen the latest path projection.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, September 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Humiliatedagain, What a tragic story. I hope that we here in the LTA forum can help you as you sort through your feelings and the devastating mess your cruel and incredibly selfish H has created. You seem to be on the right track, by taking the steps necessary to begin to protect yourself. I would ask your attorney for an investigator who just might be able to uncover any accounts that your H may be trying to bury. He can probably get information regarding the PO box and hopefully credit card account information although privacy rules might prevent too much disclosure - that's a question for your attorney.
Another thought I had while reading your post is that your MC probably will not want to see your H again as he will feel betrayed as well. I would still make an appointment with him just to get his take on your situation and possibly any insight that might have been picked up but not fully investigated while in MC'ing.
Please continue to post even if just to cry and get your feelings out. This is a safe place and we are here to support you as you grieve.
Many, many hugs, Humiliatedagain.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, September 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome back, BT. So glad you survived this one without too much distress. Hopefully the rest of these storms will move out quickly and bypass New Orleans altogether.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, September 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BT Phew! Roll on the end of the stormy season, eh? Glad you're ok.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, September 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi BT.

I am so relieved that you and your family are safe. That must have been so tough.Thank you for thinking of us and checking in.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
hurt789
♀ Member
Member # 20937
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, September 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Guys, Thanks so much for yesterday. The replies I recived really helped. WH came home yesterday to be with me cause I was having a bad day. We talked for hours. I mostly went over stuff that we had already discussed. I don't need anymore details, I still ask about what he was feeling. I am still wanting to know the why. I did get some more truthful answers, which sucked sooo bad! He let me know he had been thinking about why. He says it was because he was a selfish bastard and was only thinking of him self. He has always loved me and he always wanted me to be the one he married and grew old with, he said we may have gotten married too soon. He was afraid that if he didnt ask me when he did (I was 20 and he was 22) I would soon be gone. He never set out to hurt me. The ow was only married about a year when she started flirting with him by saying she didnt love her husband, that she was looking to have an affair and she didnt care if he was married. He admits flirting right back with her. He was now 27 and felt like he was missing out on stuff all his single friends were getting...a piece of ass. He said once it started he felt like a God. He thought he was so invenciable that he could not nothing wrong. For the first 5 yrs of the A, they did not put any effort into it. Then kids came into the picture. Our familes hung out more then ever and he said it just became so easy to see her. He says that in the beginning that she was just a whore (what other kind of woman would be looking for an A the first year of her marriage) Then it became more like a friend with benefits. I and her H worked days. My H worked nights and she stayed at home. The worst thing that he did admit that if it wasnt her, it would of been someone else, that he loved me and didnt want to loose me but that his selfishness got in the way. I hated hearing that, but I was glad he was being honest. He says from now on he knows that for him to be truly happy, is to see me happy. He says he wants to devote the rest of his life to making me happy, and our family happy. He thought what he was getting from the A he couldnt get at home. Of course, he knows now that she was telling him so many lies about me. He says that he feels like a total bastard for believing her. We also talked alot about what we want from each other. This was about things we could do togather on the weekends and what we both liked and even about sex. (Sex was a rare things over about the last 7 years...)I had questioned him the last 8 years or so on if he was having an A with her, and he would never admit it. I still loved him, but I learned not to care for him. It made is easier to deal with day in and out. He is sorry about making me feel like that and turning me into that kind of person, like an abused wife. He stated that him and the OW actually thought I knew and didnt care! I am sure if I worked harder to find out, I would of know sooner. I was afraid to know the truth. It was easier to believe his lies. We ended the night holding each other and having some of the best sex I have had in a while. For being one of my bad days, it did end up being a good day. The things I heard from him were very hard, but I felt for the first time in a while he was being honest. Now that I have some of the truth, I am hoping it will help me decide if staying with him is what I really want. Sorry this is so long, I needed to get it out.


BS 40
WS 43
MARRIED 20
TOGATHER 22
1 PERFECT DAUGHTER
DDAY7/13/08
LTA - ALWAYS


Posts: 240 | Registered: Sep 2008
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, September 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to those who are new...I am sorry you are here!

computer was an the fritz and then my brain was on the fritz, so I am trying to catch up with all the posts!

Finally went to MC today after several difficult weeks. I think it helped. We talked about a lot, including sex. The only solution we came up with was for now to schedule time to be alone together. So I think we are going to do that and kind of go from there. That was probably 75% of the session.

The end was about me. They (both counselors) think I should tell someone and are amazed that I have gotten through this far without any irl support. They think it is making my stress immensely higher and that I could take some of the 'air out of the balloon' by just making it public knowledge, at least to a few friends. They think it is too much for me to handle alone and H counselor even said, don't' you just want to have someone to talk to who you can say "Can you believe what I fucking jerk I married? He is such a freaking idiot!". It's true, I can see that. But the pity that I would get and the uncomfortableness are really stopping me. They think it's uncomfortable b/c I am uncomfortable and that soon that tension would lesson and it could just be more like "Look, we're no perfect. He had an affair and we are working our asses off to save the marriage and can use all the support we can get."

Any thoughts? Oh, and H agrees, although would very much prefer we not tell our parents which I agree with as well. way too many opinions there.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, September 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone plan to watch Oprah tomorrow? It's about Why men cheat. I am working but set the VCR to tape it. I think I am going to tell H that I did that and I don't want to watch it alone. But I wonder if I'm crazy even watching it.

Also, there is a movie coming out, Fireproof, that is suppose to be amazing. Afriend previewed it. It's about a couple trying to keep form getting divorced, No affair stuff, just looked more like how the husband was trying to show his wife he loves her and he doesn't know how to do that so he has to learn. I'm going to ask H to go with me. It opens 9/26 I believe.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, September 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoLost - Good to see you again. I definitely needed someone IRL to talk to and fortunately, my sister is the perfect person. I also told our 3 adult children, my mom, 2 very close cousins, 3 very good friends, my attorney of course, my gynecologist of course, and then received phone calls from different employees at the office who knew and didn't come to me until after d-day. My H told his attorney, and his brother and SIL.
It helps me tremendously and actually, having my H see how others, especially those in his own family, reacted to the news, helped to break the fog. Everyone reacted to him like he was an absolute moron and depraved, selfish pr---! I think he thought others would think he was a stud and when he saw the very negative reactions he felt nothing but embarrassment and shame.
You may want to limit the number of people (my list is a little long I have to admit ) but I agree with your C's that you need to have someone very level-headed and sympathetic to help you on those days you need extra support. I don't think I ever felt I was pitied although some did question why I would still want to be married to him. That can be tough to answer especially when you're not sure yourself.
And, of course this probably doesn't need to be said, but never tell anyone with a reputation for blabbing. The people I told I have always trusted and they have proven their loyalty time and again. I have not yet been disappointed in any of them.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, September 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoLost - I agree w/ your MC and FNF ( ). I think you need to have someone IRL who can be there as a sounding board. I have told only a few people. Some have reacted better than others but that has told me further who my best friends are. My mom has been a great source of support. I have one friend who had some serious FOO issues who has REALLY been great as she can explain some of what he went through. I would be careful and pick one or two people. You don't have to tell them everything just that he "crossed a line" or was "unfaithful", etc. You can let them know more once you can guage their reaction.

So I had a great day. We received a letter from one of our financial institutions indicating that one of their (now former) employees had SOLD our personal information (name, ss#, etc.!!! So I spent the better part of this afternoon putting fraud alerts into place, calling banks, brokerage companies, etc. We are going to have to change account numbers, passwords, everything. Do you think we get any compensation/apology for this? NOPE....just a big..."oops". I know this is common these days but it is a royal pain in the ass and I have visions of some Russian creating a new HurtShirley and buying houses and cars,etc.

Hey, wait, maybe I should do that...


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, September 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry I haven't been around- life gets busy, yk?

I don't know what I'm asking here, maybe just to see if any of you can understand what I'm going through. I hate being so heartless but she represents the last piece of my H's LTA connection and I just want all of the pieces to disappear forever

I think your feelings are completely normal. Although you don't want her to suffer- she certainly has no place in your M. WH was forced to cut ties with a few "friends" of ours that knew of his A so I would feel exactly the same if he were to be around them- even for a minute.


Hurt789- I am saddened to welcome you here, but welcome. I am dealing with a LTA & double betrayal as well and it's just mind boggling. Keep posting- the ladies here are brilliant & we all seem to go through the same shit- like this one:

I want to call him to come home to from work be with me, but I can not fully understand why I need him to comfort me because he is the one that made me feel this way!!

I remember after our 2nd D-day, I told him he could sleep at our house in the guest room. He came home, we talked until like 2am and then I just felt so lonely going to bed by myself and wanted him there...but didn't. I think I sat there going back & forth in my head for like 30 minutes trying to figure out what to do. I read somewhere on SI the concept of during R- when times are tough you have to run TOWARDS each other instead of away. You have to have some angry distant times too I think but I always remind myself when I want to break away that I need to re-focus onto our M & WH.


Hi 25wimsey. I also admire your courage as I told WH if OW turned up preggo I would leave becuase I wasn't strong enough to deal with her & their child forever. ((HUGS))


I still struggle with the jealousy of his feelings that happen when you're with someone new--feelings that were kept alive for so long partly cuz she is the type of person to be able to elicit responses from him for so long--positive feelings that we all know occur in infidelity--constant validation, adoration, need, and lots of emotional expressions. I'm more the reserved type, not to mention that we've been together for over 30 years, and the mature love that comes with long term relationships just isn't the same

I go back & forth on this one too- it's very difficult to think about that excitment & fun they were having while we're dealing with their daily shit & every other life event....all the while lacking their respect & full attention because how much can be left?

Somehow, I attempt to hold onto the fact that my WH didn't seem to have a whole lot of "obsession, infatuation, etc" Ya, I'm sure he loved it & it was exciting but they didn't have alone "couple" time & it was pretty much quick sex while at work. I dunno- maybe I'm just trying to soften the blow for myself.

Sometimes I wish I could be comfortable with looking at their sex as if she was an ex-girlfriend of his. But there are just a few problems with that idea 1. WH hadn't been with anyone else 2. Sex with my last ex was 10 years ago, his 6 months ago 3. I didn't lie to him, or chose someone else over him to get sex

humiliatedagain- a sad welcome to you as well. we all obviously have HUGE trust issues with our W's but in your situation I can't imagine how you know which way is up...After believing everything was good and then having an even longer A to deal with...wow. ((HUGS)) & strength to you.

Welcome back BT. Glad everything is getting back together.


SoLost- I hope you decide to confide in someone so that you can have a release. We told lots of people....not without thinking really but I have no regrets thus far. Our direct family all knows, 2 of DH's co-workers as those are his good friends, my boss, 2 of my co-workers, another friend of mine....Pretty much everyone in our lives except 1 friend who I don't trust to not gossip all over town.

Sorry to hear about the rough day HS. Hopefully it can all be resolved as quickly as possible.


So...back to my kinky sex discussion.
I guess my thought was....does interest/enjoyment from kinky sex have some aspect of dis-respect to it? Okay...this is TMI here- I don't mind kinky sex & it does sometimes give me that "bad girl" feeling which can be a good thing....but is even that a bad thing? Do you think there is underlying "issues" to that? Underlying issues of WH has that power/control/dominating interest. We're not doing anytying extreme with kinky sex...I guess it's pretty mild but it just made me wonder.


WH & I had a huge blowup last Friday. He seemed to think I was being a bitch & giving him an attitude and I didn't feel like I was at all. I was confused about what he was saying but I didn't see it as anything more. So...I think the recurring theme here with him is that he feels as if he never does anything right/ nothing is ever good enough. I always feel shitty about this issue and wonder if it IS me....but thanks to our MC I think it certainly is HIM.

MC last week was all about WHY he's dragged his heals for 6 months about IC. WH does all the typical, I don't know...it just seems like a huge project to start....to change my schedule, get the kids out of the house, pay the money, blah blah blah...and MC said, well- I can see those reasons for something simple that you procrastinate on...but not something when your BS says if you don't don't do it you will lose your family. HELLO!? So...MC asked him if it was such a stressor to think about going to IC...he asked him to think about what it would be like without me & the kids. We sat in silence for like 5 mins as WH cried & attempted to compose himself. So...we processed the issue some more & WH has made a few phone calls to find an IC.

It is hurtful to hear the "I'll do anything I need to to keep you and our M" BUT, 6 months down the road...I haven't done the ONE thing that my BS specifically asked me to do. I even specifically told him that he would be proving his commitment to the M by how he handled himself...and here we are 6 months out. AGH

[This message edited by Whatnow28 at 8:35 PM, September 9th (Tuesday)]


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


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