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User Topic: Long Term Affairs X I I I
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, September 10th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, I've skimmed the messages and am sending HUGS to the tribe... {{{LTA}}}

I can't believe I am the first to post today. Where is everyone? Is this a case of No News is Good News? I hope so.

My news is that FWH is coming home from the hospital today (as soon as I take him some clothes). He'll have a script for antibiotics and diet restrictions. This has been an eye opener, wake up call for him... hopefully in several areas. Gotta go get dressed. God Bless.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, September 10th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lostsoul - he is STILL in the hospital?!! I may have missed a post but last I remember he was in the emergeny room with stomach pains, right around Labor Day. What happened? It must have been serious to keep him that long.

((((lostsoul)))

It has been quiet around here lately. I haven't been on as much. I was busy with birthdays (had three in the family in the last month), getting the kids back to school, etc.

Now they are back in school, I am sneaking through their rooms with giant trash bags throwing out all kinds of knick-knack crap that kids hang onto. They won't miss it for a while and when they do I will be .

Throwing stuff out is great therapy. Now, none of you tell my girls!!!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
hurt789
♀ Member
Member # 20937
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, September 10th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi to everyone. I wanted to get an opinion.. I am thinking about taking off this weekend, alone. I think I need time to figure out if I even want to save this marriage. The lies lasted for so long that I cant make sense of it. Of course I just want to tell my WH that I need a mommy weekend away (cause thats what the OW would say when they went on thier yearly weekends trips togather) I wonder if he will think if I am going to go sleep with someone? Sometimes I wish I could, but that would never compare to what he did with someone that was suppose to be my friend. Sadly, he lost his only friend he had - it was the OW husband..or I would sleep with one of his friends!! I know am not that kind of person, but I still wish I could be at times. My WH keeps asking me every morning to be happy, dont think about it, only think of us togather and our future. I am getting to the point that Im going to choke him if he says it one more time!! Its been 2 months since d-day. how the hell can i think of happiness?!?! I guess I just need to do alot of soul searching and figure out what I want out of life and if he is the one I want in it. I dont know if I can get over what he has done. Hurtshirley - Great Idea!! I just took about 15 bags to the goodwill Monday!! I cleaned out clothes and some of my daughters toys! Yes, it did feel great!! I do like the ideal of getting some more toys out of the house while my daughter is in school!!
Thanks!

[This message edited by hurt789 at 3:04 PM, September 10th (Wednesday)]


BS 40
WS 43
MARRIED 20
TOGATHER 22
1 PERFECT DAUGHTER
DDAY7/13/08
LTA - ALWAYS


Posts: 240 | Registered: Sep 2008
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, September 10th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH keeps asking me every morning to be happy, dont think about it, only think of us togather and our future. I am getting to the point that Im going to choke him if he says it one more time!! Its been 2 months since d-day. how the hell can i think of happiness?!?!

This makes me think that he has NO degree of the damage- pain & hurt he has caused if he thinks after 2 months you can just not think about it and think happy thoughts....sorry buddy but it just doesn't happen that way! 2 months is nothing. You've been lied to for years...almost everything you have known as life is gone or changed.

I don't know about the weekend away. Is it possible he would have contact with the OW if you were away? I am always cautious about any "healing" alone because I think you need to work with your WH. He needs to be the one to help you through this. Yes, you need to be strong for yourself & look out for #1 but just be careful that you don't do too much healing on your own. I repeatedly have a fear of getting to an okay/acceptance place with the A and then realizing I have grown apart from WH. Hope that makes sense- I'm kinda repeating myself & hate these little boxes to type in.


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, September 10th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to make this quick while he's at the doctors.

Well, I got busted tonight. Steve found I had turned on the recorder today while I was at work. I admitted I'd done it. He was laughing at me... then I told him why I had done it.
He gave me the same "if I didn't want you to know, I would have hidden it or used the company phone or just gone to their house." I asked him why then he didn't tell me before or after he'd done it. He said because he hadn't talked to anyone and I told him it was bullshit. That his phone doesn't record time unless there's an answer on the other end. And that I wanted him to make those calls with me or pretend they were dead. Two options. He gave me the old "ok, whatever you want" speech.

I told him if there was someone I got in trouble with and he asked me to stop seeing or contacting, I would because I would never choose then over him. I asked him just how important these people were to him. He said no more than anyone else he talked to on occasion. I said I needed them to mean less than that and he needed to make a decision. Of course he said it was my "problem" that I felt threatened by these people. I told him that I had reason to be threatened. They were friends of the affair NOT the marriage. Anyone who protected or participated, even on the edge is no friend to us any longer. He should consider them dead.

First he tried to tell me his phone just "dialed" the number because it was in speed dial. I told him it wasn't in his phone, I'd checked that. Then he tried to tell me it was someone elses' number. I asked if he wanted me to call it and find out.

Do you think he has any clue we're approaching DDay antiversary. That we just passed the anniversary of the disappearing act when he was supposed to be fishing. No he doesn't remember.

I have to get the MRIs finished up Friday and then I'm going to ask him to leave me alone for the day. And go to a movie or see my brother and just avoid talking to him at all.

You know I asked him why he hid it if he knew I could access the information... he tried to tell me it was a "test" to see if I'd ask him about the number. Yeah, that's why he hid it.

I give up. Maybe I've finally given up on him ever coming around. Guess I need to find that full time job after all.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, September 10th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry Weepy. Sounds like he certainly isn't working with you and doesn't want to or doesn't understand that he needs to do these thing for you and it's not your "problem". He needs to be working with you...and make some choices that are important to you- even if he doesn't agree. ((HUGS)) What's up with all the story changes? Which are you supposed to believe??


I was just checking through WH's work bag and remembered that there's a list of every poker game & every players' rankings (WH is a bit OCD). So, it's filled with 2.5 years of dates & games with both OW1 & OW2 in attendance. I called him at work and asked if I could toss it- he said yes and that he would go into the computer file sometime and edit all those names out. Deleting it would have been preferred...but whatever. So then I said, How convenient that we had a poker game with OW#2 in attendance the night after you had sex for the first time. AND, lo & behold she was only coming to games periodically until sex and then she never missed a game. So...I told him it was bringing me back to thinking it WAS a typical A with all the infatuation, obsession, etc (instead of like "friends" as he claims)and that I still had a lot of questions that I wanted to re-ask...or see it differently now as time may have changed perspectives. So...he obvioulsy wasn't in a good space and said, I already told you that stuff. WRONG answer buddy. So, I said, I'm sorry (wanted to add asshole here) I wanted to hear it again. Boo f'in hoo to inconvenience you. (I didn't say that out loud)

It's amazing that we've talked numerous times in MC about him making sure he's in a good space before having an A conversation yet when I attempt to end it because *I* can tell he's in a shitty place....he just doesn't see it. I KNOW it's not me. Ya, I was hurt & a tad bit pissy when talking but HOW can you not be hurt when talking about how convenient it was that she was right in my home ALL the f'in time. Plus, he says he understands why I need to talk about this stuff repeatedly and he wants me to process things as I need to....yet, when I attempt to bring something up I get a reaction of, "I already told you that stuff." WTF ever.

I have a feeling it's gonna be a rough night. I can't pretend to be in a great mood...and if I'm in a crappy mood he'll get all pissy. But, I will not talk to him when he's in a bad space because it will go POORLY.

[This message edited by Whatnow28 at 6:52 PM, September 10th (Wednesday)]


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, September 10th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hurt789 - I have done a few "girls weekends' as part of my healing process but it was always with friends of the marriage and with full disclosure to H. He actually planned one of them. If you need this, you should do it. I think space helps. But, if you want to R, don't make it a retribution.

My WH keeps asking me every morning to be happy, dont think about it, only think of us togather and our future. I am getting to the point that Im going to choke him if he says it one more time!!

This sounds like "sweeping it under the rug". Let's move on! Let's get over this! FUCK NO!!!! He did what he did, he must do what it takes to help you heal. These are not the words of a fully remorseful spouse.

((((Weepy))))

I just don't know what to say. I don't think he cares. He has been so brutal to you lately. Can YOU survive in this kind of relationship?

So...he obvioulsy wasn't in a good space and said, I already told you that stuff. WRONG answer buddy.

Exactly, WRONG answer buddy. I don't care if I am asking him a question about this in 35 years, he better be willing to deal with it. Geez, why are these people so clueless as to what we need. Be truthful. Be open. Know we are hurt and do what you can to help. Be understanding. Don't get pissed when you have to deal with the destruction you have caused.

sigh.....


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:15 AM, September 11th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Tribe)))))

I am sorry I cant be of any support these days, esp to the Newbies.

I am going through a rough patch myself, and have scheduled an emergency IC today.

I cant do this anymore.
I am sorry.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, September 11th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

am sorry I cant be of any support these days, esp to the Newbies.

I am going through a rough patch myself, and have scheduled an emergency IC today.

I cant do this anymore.
I am sorry.


(((((Lost Heart)))) Boy have I been there done that unfortunately. I don't know if I have even crawled out yet-I'm thinking no. Go one day at a time, one hour at a time, even one minute at a time. Sometimes thinking about more than that can make you feel like you can't breathe. But do that, breathe. In and out. And eventually you won't have to tell yourself to do it. Do something for you today...a book, a cup of tea, put your ipod on and just chill out. You deserve to pamper you.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, September 11th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LostH, Iím so sorry youíre having a bad time. IC would be a good idea to see that itís him, not you. My H has gone to one of the places he met up with OW and heíll probably nip on down to the retail park where he used to meet up with her too. In fact itís just a short drive from her work place and a rather nice country park they used to take a stroll in or meet for lunch. I fucking hate the place. Where he is now is a really busy M/way intersection and whenever Iíve got stuck in traffic there I have wanted to scream at the other drivers to get outta my way, or slip over four lanes and drive on the hard shoulder. So heís there and I donít care how he feels or what heís doing or who heís talking to. I wonít believe him anyway, whatever he says.

Todayís a bad day for me to. 9/11 was the day he first emailed her. The day my life fell apart but I just didnít know it. The day he put our M in a coffin and nailed it down ready for burial or cremation. The day she couldnít believe her luck that her KISA had come back. Letís give each other a warm hug. (((((LostH)))))
*****
So Lost ĖOn the Oprah show, I donít think weíll be able to watch it Ė there doesnít seem to be a ďwatch againĒ feature on her site. The morning after his confession, I went to his bfís house, convinced he would know. He didnít. They were the first who knew. Then 4xM friend later that day. Then friend down under a couple of weeks after that. Then lovely music man friend who I had counselled on his D and many subsequent relationships. Then Hís oldest bf in Egypt Ė he lied, he did know but told me he didnít. Heíd spoken to OW on Hís phone. Hmm. And then his wife. And then, finally after a year, his parents. Heís told no one, although he talks a lot to his bf (m crisis there at the mo) and sometimes to his oldest friend. I couldnít have coped without telling someone. Heck, I wanted to paint ďmy H is an adulterous bastardĒ on a bedsheet and hang it out of the window and get a bumper sticker saying the same and get one for his that said ďMy other rideís the MOWĒ

But, Iíve not told the kids. I donít think I could bear the loss of the high regard they hold their dad in. I donít think it would serve any good.
*****
Shirley, oh my. The world is full of low life. Hope you get sorted and no nasties are lurking. Ugh.
*****
WN28 He does need IC. He dragging his heels b/c it means looking into himself, at what he has done and why. And thatís one reason he has to be in a ďgoodĒ place to talk about the A. The answers he gives you might be the same, (Iíve told you that already crap) but you need to constantly rearrange your perspectives when coming up with a-ha moments or trigger times. Tough shit if he doesnít get it, he still has to do it.
*****
Lostsuol H is still in hospital??? I had a thought that theyíd rummage around, take some pics and tests and send him home with a diet sheet. Whyís he still there? (((Lostsuol))).
*****
Hurt789

My WH keeps asking me every morning to be happy, dont think about it, only think of us togather and our future. I am getting to the point that Im going to choke him if he says it one more time!!

He is desperate to move as far away from the A as possible and it sounds a little like heís desperate to not lose you. Heís wanting to put a blister bandaid on a gaping wound. Sorry pal, it doesnít work like that and heartache, triggers and doubt all have to be dealt with or they will just blow up at a later date. As for going away, I do, frequently!!! I usually go to 4xM friend at the coast for a little respite and thinking time. I like to walk along the seafront and people watch. Itís the place H & I used to walk when he was taking me back to my college digs. I need my alone time away from him and for him to have to deal with the day to day stuff for a short while. Somewhere just a couple of hours away might be good. Or how about a health spa break if you can afford it?
*****
Weepy. Oh for goodness sake. Whoís got the cricket bat? How many times do I hit him before he stops seeing stars and starts seeing sense? These stupid, stupid games he plays. But I think he does it to get a rise out of you, weepy. And he did. So stop playing to his rules and let him play solitaire. Donít set out to trap him, just show him the mirror when heís being a jerk. I canít believe heís still acting up this way. Do you really want to do this forever?


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, September 11th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK. I just phoned his mum and she didnít buy him the mother of pearl and silver cufflinks. Nor did DS3. Wonít know about DS1 or 2 until they get home. Donít think I can ask my mum. I know what FWH will say - ďI donít rememberĒ. And theyíre from a jewellers on the south coast. Iíve never been there. I was just checking my wedding ring was still in his bedside drawer. Iíve said Iíll wear it next weekend at the family do. And I looked in another box. Did OW give them to him? Do I care? Should I care?

I wish I could crawl away somewhere until after next weekend. Our anniversary and no escape.

Guess I'm wanting a hug.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, September 11th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKG - I hope your H will remember and tell you the truth about these. My H also forgets so many things but I will tell you that anything and everything, regardless of its value, got trashed if it came from the OW. If these turn out to be from her, maybe you could donate them to a good cause.
I am sending many hugs to you and hope this can be cleared up soon so that you can enjoy your upcoming anniversary. (((UKG)))
LH - I sent you a PM. Thinking of you and sending hugs and support to you as you struggle with this latest setback. (((LH)))
Weepy - What can I say? He just never tires of harrassing you. You have a lot more patience than I do.
I would be a screaming banchee with the shit he puts you through. (((Weepy)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, September 11th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((UKG)))))

I missed something..what cufflinks?
About a month after dday, I gave H 2 weeks to get rid of anything that was OW tainted (gifts, letters etc), and he did. If these cufflinks are from her, and he knowingly kept it,I would shove it up his ****.

Do you really think he will remember what today is, that today is the first time he actively crossed that line? Btw, how do you know that?
He may have done the deed today, but he crossed that line in his mind way back. Jerk.

***
Had a really really bad day. Been bawling from the morning. Really been fighting the S battle. Thank God my Ic could see me, and she brought me down.

It sounds so stupid but all I wanted was somone to give me permission to do it.

I played by the rules my whole life. I tried to do good to people. I have worked so hard to save this M. I know I have nothing left to give. I gave up today. I told her "No more. No more pain. No more fightng. No more wondering and torturing. No more thinking wonderring "Am I crazy?Do I belong in the loony bin?" No more kids getting hurt and exposed to all this pain that I worked so fucking hard before to protect them from. No more pitying looks from the family, or having them talk about us, "the fucked up family". No more H telling me that I am so full of myself but am really a pathetic, weak, difficult person. No more wondering which woman is going to come into my life and hurt me.No more being scared that if we D, kids and I get shipped back to SA, with no money. No more having the kids look at me with hurt cos I have destroyed the safe world that I build for them. No more thinking and thinking. No more triggering at work, at the shops, at the movies, everywhere. No more pain.

The way I figured is that I am not perfect, but I have tried not to be selfish and mean. Why cant I be selfish now? Why arent I allowed to let go?
Why? Why? Why?

Yes, I know its being a coward and is the ultimate selfishness and my babies would be hurt. And its because of my babies that made me crawl into IC.

Anyway she brought me down for now.
I am in distress. Am overwhelmed. Have nothing to give out esp to myself.
I am to do the bare minimum, stay away from anything contentious.

What she said that this episdoe is not just me reacting to H. Its more than that. Its me. Its me hating me. Its me having all the crap that ever happened on my shoulders. Its me carrying the past,the present and the future by myself, and that noone can do that. Not even me.


H was quite distraught,he didnt know what to do. He said he knows the kids will grow up and blame him if anyhting to me. I told him what she said about its not all about him, so think he is feeling bit better.

I was wonderng whether to post this or not, hoping that I wouldnt bring any of you down. ANd then I thought, what if soemone is going through soemthing similar, maybe it might help.

Its hard for me admitting all these thoughts out loud.

And to show just how controlling and crazy I am, apart from my kids, another thought that kept me going...the house. The house is a tip. The thought of people coming over here going through all my stuff and thinking what a bad hosuewife I was...
I know I would be dead, so who cares. But still.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, September 11th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Had a really really bad day. Been bawling from the morning. Really been fighting the S battle. Thank God my Ic could see me, and she brought me down.

I thank the heavens above you were able to get that emergency IC appointment today. LH, we all know the pain you are going through. It is overwhelming, it is more than we ever thought or wanted to deal with but please lean on us here and think about what you mean to all of those who love you and would be so, so lost without you, and that includes all of us here, not just your family and friends.
I can't say that I have ever had these thoughts, although sometimes I have wished that I would get a fatal disease and just be done with all this pain. But we are a lot stronger than we think and you have proved that to yourself and to us time and again. It's just that when we get so low, like you are now, it takes a lot more to bring us out of the pit of despair and we know that's when we need whatever support we can get to pull us through.
I can give you a call, I can stay on-line, you can let me know what you need and I'll try to be there for you in whatever way you need me.
Hugs, and much concern.
(((((((((((LH))))))))))))
ETA - Lost - do you think the tragic stories you hear every day at work are contributing to your feelings? I know with so much of the news we've been hearing over here of our politicians and their A's, not to mention the recent death of a wonderful, faithful cousin, I get so down thinking how unfair life can be.
Is it possible to take a mini vacation or a leave of absence to see if this might help? It's a lot to deal with when you have so much on a personal level to deal with every day. Just a thought.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 1:09 PM, September 11th (Thursday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, September 11th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, Fnf.
Thank you so much.
I am not thinking very straight (and not too mnay sp mistakes either huh?? ), so am going to sit quietly somewhere with a book. The kids are being clingy and I am feeling claustrophobic. My sister called me and yelled at me, cos she was mad at someone else. I asked her to stop yelling at me, and the reason that person texted her instead of calling her, was because she was too scared of being yelled at. I had to spend 20 minutes listening to this woman crying (my childminder who also works for my sister)cos my sister didnt tell her she was fired, no notice at all. My sister thought that I would do it, cos she mentioned it and assumed that since I would be seeing the childminder yesterday, that I would tell her.Wrong.
So my sister is upset with me cos...I dont even know properly why. i was supposed to take her son for his immunisations tomorrow and she just left a msg for me not to bother. I know my mum will say that my sister is going through a rough time as she is a working mum etc, so to cut her some slack, so wont even open that door.

H is megadepressed and just cancelled his IC. He says his IC says we need MC more than IC as the problems he brings are about me not moving on and issues in the M. I asked him last night if he has even figured out why he did what he did. This is his answer:
LTA#1 which lasted the whole M: he liked the challenge. She kept stringing him and he just wanted to sleep with her, and it was a game they played.
LTA#2 which lasted 2.5 years. He fell in love. By the time, he figured that it wasnt really love (how??)and that he was being used by her (maybe her other boyfriend was a giveaway?), he said he was already addicted...the sex, the thrills, the excitement etc.

THAT is why he has fucked up our lives. So simple huh? Says no need to dig deeper cos thats what it was. My question to him, was if you dont know WHY you did what you did, what will stop you from doing it again? His answer: Cos he now knows that that was wrong, and he cant just have what he wants cos he wants it.And he doesnt want all that again.

Huh?

So its just me thats the problem. Me the one who is keeping us from moving forward. My IC says there is no way she will free me for MC (cos we cant afford both).
She says that she has too much of faith in me, and her job is to save me. MC wont.

Darn, i wish i could get drunk.

Thanks again Fnf. You are such a dear friend.
Please dont worry. I am going to take it one hour at a time.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, September 11th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She says that she has too much of faith in me, and her job is to save me. MC wont.

LH - will you give that IC of yours a big hug and kiss from me. She sounds like a wonderful, caring IC.
As to your sister, you really don't need that right now. I would keep the phone off the hook or just flat out tell her "not this week!"
They are so used to having you support them, they don't seem to recognize when your need their support for a change.
As to your H, not much you can do to help him if he won't help himself. Focus on what your IC is telling you. Save yourself, dear friend. ((((((LH))))
ETA - "Darn, i wish i could get drunk." Now, I'm not recommending this but if you do decide, you let me know and I'll talk to HS about recommending a really fine wine - she's got a great list!

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 2:17 PM, September 11th (Thursday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurt789
♀ Member
Member # 20937
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, September 11th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TY. I will talk to WH about this being happy shit. I am still afraid to get mad or bring up stuff he doesnt want to tallk about. (I can always tell by his tone of voice) If we ever fought in the past, he would just leave and go to her so he could be a happy little fucker. He has told me to not keep stuff in, and if something is bothering me to talk to him about it. But when I start talking I feel like he just wants to get the conversation over with.
I also get alot of, you already asked me that...I just tell him i forget what he said, but I think I am really looking for consistant answers. So far they have been. Each time we talk, just about daily, I do learn a little bit of new info. Nothing really important, just a bar or restaurant they went to that he didnt tell me b4.
Cos he now knows that that was wrong, and he cant just have what he wants cos he wants it.And he doesnt want all that again

I hear this all the time too. That my WH has learned that what he wants isnt important but its about what our family wants. I pray that this is true. I just dont know if I can believe people can change.

UKGIRL - I just had to have a family reunion at the park my WH and his whore use to meet at. It was awful!! My WH stayed by my side the whole time and kept saying sorry and asked if I wanted to leave. I stayed just so I could see how strong I could be. We held hands a walked around but i kept picturing them doing the same things! The OW and her family live just down the street. Its really hard. I had to take my daughter to the doctor last week, and the fucking c*nt's car was in the parking lot. - as we took our kids to the same doctor...usually togather if that doesnt beat all!! My daughter was so sad that is happened. I called the dr. office and told them we couldnt come in. They buzzed me in the employee entrance and let is wait in an office until she left.
I hope everyone is doing ok today.


BS 40
WS 43
MARRIED 20
TOGATHER 22
1 PERFECT DAUGHTER
DDAY7/13/08
LTA - ALWAYS


Posts: 240 | Registered: Sep 2008
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, September 11th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was having a rough day all day...well, after last night when WH & I really didn't talk because I wasn't up for happy conversatoin and he didn't seem to be up for talk about the A.

So...I felt myself being "off" all day- felt like I was slipping into pity depressed mood. So...of course, today I was lucky enough to see OW#2 in traffic. I called WH RIGHT afterwards- was kinda shaky & tearful. This is how the conversation went:

Me: I just saw OW#2 drive by...don't know if she saw me, blah blah blah

HIM: I'm sorry that you had to see her.

Me: If I hadn't been with a client I probably would have chased after her and would have enjoyed killing her.

HIM: I don't get that. I don't understand. I just don't know why you would want to do that. What do you expect to accomplish from chasing her down?

ME: I don't understand how you don't understand that. I'm hurt & angry.

HIM: Well, I'm sorry.


So...I'm left feeling like the apologies are worthless. He's not being empathetic- instead, he has gotten pissy because I made a statement out of anger. I told him this was how I felt & that I had called to look for support & a helpful response. He said something about, maybe you should have called a friend. WTF- you saw OW#2 and you called ME immediately and was tearful. He said ya, because I didn't want you to find out later that I saw her. IN TRAFFIC??? YOU THINK SOMEONE IS GONNA SEE THE 2 OF YOU PASS EACH OTHER IN TRAFFIC AND I WILL BE WORRIED? Non-sense. Absolute bullshit. So, I guess I'm supposed to receive my support from someone else.

OKay....I have been working on this post all evening. WH called mid post & asked what was going on with us. I said nothing really- I just didn't get a supportive empathetic response earlier like I was looking for. OMG- we just went on for an hour about f'in shit. He asked, Why did you call me anyways?" WHY DID I CALL YOU WHEN I SAW THE OW? Um, for support???? He said well, you made the comment about going to chase her down so you were looking for a negative reaction from me. NO NO NO. I was looking for support- I was NOT going to actually go chase her down & get arrested. I gave him an example of what a supportive comment would have been like. He had told his co-worker and he thought I was being ridiculous too. WHATEVER


So...then we go on to how he was still upset from last night when I wanted to talk about the start of the A and how he feels that it's counterproductive and re-traumatizing me. After arguing around in circles forever we got to the fact that he should be willing to set aside his hurt feelings when he has to talk about the A if ****I**** think it's helpful for ***ME**** to heal. I think the recurring theme here is that he feels that what I'm doing is non-sense. that we're 6 months out and supposedly I just want to talk about the past, not move forward, that I'm going to be doing this forever, blah blah blah. I feel completely hopeless. I feel like we're on opposite paths and if he doesn't help me then we're not gonna work. I expressed this to him and he feels like he IS doing everything to help me but it's okay for him to feel pissy about it. Okay, so I will let you have your pissy time....but if you return later to the conversation STILL being pissy & feeling like my questions are stupid & counterproductive then I am not going to want to talk about things and we're not going to move forward.

sorry, I'm ranting, this post probably made no sense but I'm so angry & frustrated and feel like there is no sense to move forward.

[This message edited by Whatnow28 at 6:40 PM, September 11th (Thursday)]


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, September 11th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((lostheart))))) I want you to know we are here for you. Please don't ever hesitate to post because you think it will bring us down. We are here to prop you up. I really strongly believe that your H needs to be in IC. I know your IC thinks that your current struggles are not completely related to your H but it must be at least a part. He can't just say "I know I have done wrong and I won't do it again". How many country songs are written based on that? He needs to get to the root of WHY. The WHY of "my mother abandoned me, my family was abusive, my family was did not allow feelings to show, my culture says it is okay, my family is all a bunch of stoopid drunks" WHATEVER the reason, there is something there that is not about you that he has not fully recognized and he needs to do it.

I am so worried about you with your feelings about S. It seems like you feel it is your only safe way out. Please know that there are many, many safe ways out and we are here to help.

Hurt789 -

I just had to have a family reunion at the park my WH and his whore use to meet at.

This had to be so hard. I can't even imagine.....actually, I can as I have been with H to a lot of the places they used for their "meetings". I just hope that him being there and holding your hand helped. And, I give your dr.s office HUGE credit for allowing you to come in the back way.

What now - you should be ranting and venting. Shit, you should be lighting his ass on fire for this statement...

I think the recurring theme here is that he feels that what I'm doing is non-sense. that we're 6 months out and supposedly I just want to talk about the past, not move forward, that I'm going to be doing this forever, blah blah blah.

You JUST WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE PAST AND NOT MOVE FORWARD!! He is joking, right? He has to understand that your healing is on YOUR timeline not his. Everything in his life up until now has been all about him, well, not it is about you. If he is truly remorseful, he will wait patiently for your healing to happen. He will bear your pain with you. He will answer your questions with remorse but truthfully. But, he will NOT question why you are not yet moving forward.

UKgirl - what's with the cuff links? I feel like I missed something else as well. If he "cant' remember" where they came from and the are not from you, they are gone. I beat the holy fucking crap out of a Mont Blanc pen in my driveway. It was fun!


Hi FNF! Still not gonna jinx myself.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, September 11th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How many country songs are written based on that?

Is that a question for me HS, or did I finally make a convert out of you?
BTW, if I could find an icon of a smiley face zipping its lips - I'd post that to you from me - no questions - zip, nada HS.
WN - Your H is being a first class ass if you don't mind my saying so. He hasn't a clue as to how the WS needs to respond in order to help you to move forward in your healing - He is prolonging the process by trying to diminish your pain in order to avoid his personal discomfort. He needs a good IC to get him thinking about what it is he needs to do if he is serious about R'ing. Let him know from those of us here and those in the WS forum that he is sure to fail if he continues on this path. (((WN28))

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 7:53 PM, September 11th (Thursday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
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