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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs X I I I
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, August 26th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have decided that I need to finish this book on abusive relationships. I'm positive I'm still in one and I need to get out.

Weepy, I have never seen anyone work harder than you do to make the M work for the both of you. You have a strength and persistence that I truly admire. Like HS said, it's so good to see you now working to make life better for yourself. This is a real turning point for you and I honestly believe you are on the right path.
At some point, if you continue to consider D, it might be in your best interest to see a lawyer. It was the first thing I did after d-day (well the second really - the first thing I did was beat the crap out of my H ). Even if you don't go through with it, it is very reassuring to know what your rights are and what you can expect in terms of a settlement. I was always glad that I did that because I knew where I stood if I eventually chose to leave.
(((Weepy)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, August 26th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can I pour you a glass of wine before I retire?

You bet, I'll have some of that Heitz Cab - Yum!
Sweet dreams and give that adorable lab a pat on the head for me.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, August 26th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After the next chapter, the section is called "What you can do and What you Can't"

This guy is pulling no punches and you know I never felt comfortable with the "your H is depressed, he's got low self esteem, he tries to bring you down to HIS level" crap. I always believed he did it to appear bigger and badder than me. He does it to the kids too. That's what's really motivating this.

I really wish I had seen a lawyer. That conversation last night would have been much more final if I'd been able to say "that's what MY lawyer told me." (Of course my lawyer would have been an idiot )

He always swore he'd get the biggest and baddest lawyer in the area if I ever left him. He has "connections". Yeah, an uncle that ADORES me. I can just imagine the recommendation he'd get from him.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, August 26th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He always swore he'd get the biggest and baddest lawyer in the area if I ever left him

Weepy, I'm not encouraging this but a friend of mine who was recently D'd met with a female attorney who she said was "the biggest and baddest" and would take her H to the cleaners. I hope I never have to, but that's who I'm using if it would ever come to that.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, August 26th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wanted to wish everyone a good night - My H keeps coming in and asking annoying questions - so I'd better go give him a little attention. Don't want to start anything.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, August 26th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PM me the name


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 1:34 AM, August 27th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning all.

Interesting new home. Always wanted to visit a ranch (after seeing programmes like The Big Valley,and Yellow Rose of Texas). Shirley, you forgot my tea and smoothie corner, but great job on the decorating!

***
Re the discussion on why I settled in the M.
Like BT, I knew no other way, coming from a hectic childhood. I actually thought I had totally scored with H,as he wasnt like my dad, overtly abusive, never hit me nor flirted outragesously with women. But everytime, I mentioned his "hurtfulness" to my mum, she would remind me how good he was, and what my faults were.

Like I mentioned before, after ahwile, I believed all of them, that I was a difficult, high maintenance, higly strung, demanding person...and that I should be grateful that I had a H like H.

I am currently exploring the "me" that kept me here accepting all of this.And its not pretty. I sometimes feel so sad for the child/young woman I was, and I hope with all my heart, that I can heal her, so that my girls dont repeat this pattern. And then sometimes, I feel its just too much and that I should give up; that there is just so much anyone should be called upon to bear(ooh that sounds whiny).

Last night we were telling the kids tales of our childhood. H mentioned how when he was 5, he cried on the first and second day of preschool,so MIL decided that he should never return...and he didnt.So he stayed home, whilst his peers attended school.

I retold how when I was 5, I had to take my sister (4) all alone to preschool (about a mile away) and I was responsible for her(my mum had youngest sister at home). Even now, I remember holding her hand, and taking my responsibility so seriously, esp as we had to pass a few houses that had either dogs or geese ( )that used to attack, and I was to make sure that she didnt get hurt. Who was looking after me?

Those 2 incidents, in a nutshell, just foretold our entire futures.

Fnf, you know you mentioned that none of us would stay in a M after dday that was abusive? Well, I am obviously not in that group. I know its wrong, yet I am still here. H yelled at me last night why, after he has broken so many of my rules, that he is still here. I dont know. I dont know.

He said later, maybe its because we do love each other. ANd I said no, we cant call this love. Anything but. This is anti-love.

He did say that things just have to change, cos we both cant carry on like this.However he refuses to consider MC. I mentioned the Workbook I had bought a long time ago (Getting the Love)but he is not keen on that either. Maybe there is just too damage done on both sides.

***
Welcome to the Newbies. I am not usually so despondent. No doubt I will back on form soon.

***
((((Weepy))))

((((SoLost))))

((((Ukg))))

Psst ukg..lets get that date sorted out soon!


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 6:11 AM, August 27th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

retold how when I was 5, I had to take my sister (4) all alone to preschool (about a mile away) and I was responsible for her(my mum had youngest sister at home). Even now, I remember holding her hand, and taking my responsibility so seriously, esp as we had to pass a few houses that had either dogs or geese ( )that used to attack, and I was to make sure that she didnt get hurt. Who was looking after me?

LH, again another correlation. My mother had my twin brothers when I was 5. I was charged with entertaining and watching them ALOT. My IC already pointed out the "who was taking care of you?" issue. The answer was no one. Well, my grandmother, but I was even second-best in her heart because my cousin was her "first" grandchild. My cousin lived 1000 miles away and she was still "the best".

I'm sure that's where the caretaking skills were honed. And where I learned to put ME last.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, August 27th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning all. I had a rough overnight. My friend/college roommate was in labor with her 1st child last night when I went to bed. I woke at 3:30 and heard the phone beeping and got the text message that he had been born. I had that instant feeling of being happy for them and how precious their time with be....and then all my shitty feelings came crashing down.

I feel like I have been let down regarding our kids first years. A#1 started when our oldest was 4 months old....then OW#2 continued on while we conceived our 2nd son (WH told her we were gonna have another...cause she was entitled enough to know), she was there for every u/s, the labor & delivery, and probably helped out while I was on maternity leave more than WH did. That time is gone. I will never get it back. I can try to see it positively but Im having a hard time doing so. The future is what matters but how much could one person take from me....and then, can I get back up from that? WH continues to talk about his "real life" which was his family & wife and how OW knew her place ie: we came first and always would. But wth- you want your "real life" but can't get rid of the OW to conceive a child? You can't handle NOT having her around every moment of every day? It kills me. So....I want to be so happy for my friend and their new baby but I completely cry (just like now as I start to type it) thinking about what I missed out on. I have told WH numerous times- yesterday one of them that it's NOT fair that our youngest got put into this mess. how fair is it to him to be placed in a shitty relationship....WH certainly knew what he was doing. But he says..."I was our relationship as good, and we'd be together forever. OW wouldn't have been around forever". HOW can ANYONE be so cluless??? i try to read in wayward and understand but....come on! Maybe his age & maturity does have an affect....I don't know.

I'm sorry I'm ranting so harshly. I was awake for an hour thinking & crying in the middle of the night.


Okay....one more thing that this brings up for me...WH DID NOT use birth control with OW#1 or 2. He, used the pull out method for #1 for 6 months...OW#2 was on depo when they started and then went off a year into their A so he continued just pulling out. I DO NOT GET IT. Prior to us having children we used TWO forms of birth control. How can someone lose all COMMON SENSE? I seriously wonder if one of them did get preggo and have an abortion and he'd never share it. He doesn't even necessarily agree with abortion yet he said they would have had one....but that's a whole other issue that really just wasn't being processed in reality world. To make matters worse, after our 2nd son was born, WH & I had a conversation about him being worried that my IUD, 99% effective wasn't good enough for him to feel completely safe. WTF- He at the same time was pulling out with OW- twice/three times a week for gods sakes! It makes me want to stop using birth control to see how he'd feel about it.

After d-day pregnancy was one of my first concerns for them. I was talking to OW then and she was appalled that I would be worried by such a thought. I remember the 2nd day after D-day...I hadn't slept and WH came home at 6 am to get some clothes and I was sitting at the computer crying & shaking...looking up the effective rates of the pull out method. She sent me mail to let me know she wasn't preggo because they were just SO sure it would never happen. AGH. It's gonna be a rough day.

Yesterday was good too and now I'm here....- I staretd out emotional yesterday but then WH & I were able to have really good conversations for a few hours while he worked....anyways.

Thanks for listening to my rant. I'm hurt & want to call him & share but don't want to put him in a shitty place. I hate this. hate it. I'm glad that sex is worth all this shit.


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, August 27th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wn28, believe me I know what it's like to have children's lives completely ruined because of the LTA. The ONLY thing that helped me was that I saw my H (prior to Dday) trying to be a better father. He was connecting with DS, being considerate to DD. There was the occasional slip into abusiveness (my new catch phrase) but for the most part he was a loving, involved father. Something they never remember having. How is he now?

My H SWEARS he used protection every single time with all the women. I know the pros insist for the most part, and I'm sure he wanted to protect himself in their case because deep down he knew what they were, even if he could fool himself on the surface. I know from OW's letters that he didn't always with her. He denies it, says she was crazy, but I can't confirm any of it. When my H told me that I was smart and could figure out the whole situation on my own, I realized that after a a bunch of times maybe being hesitant, I'm now positive that he did go "naked" with her. After all, they were "exclusive". He wasn't even seeing pros during the peak of their "romance" so he didn't have to protect her after a while. And he said that was partially why we didn't have sex.... just in case he came down with something, he didn't want me suspicious, so he didn't want to take the chance of passing it on to me. Not to STOP the behavior, of course, just protect his family life. When I gave him the STD information after Dday, he was shocked that there were and are STDs that could show NO symptoms and were not stopped by a condom. But then he justified it by saying he only went to the "best" whorehouses where they made their girls get check ups weekly. I asked him how he "knew" that, was there a board of health certificate somewhere? His answer was "they wouldn't be in business if it wasn't true."

The part that's scaring me, and partially because of what I'm reading in this book, is that he REALLY BELIEVES WHAT HE THINKS.

Sorry folks, I'm a mess today. I can't believe I was so stupid for so long and I'm still fucking HERE. And I'm going away with him this weekend. I mean what the fuck does that say about me?

I've just read this passage in a section on how to identify if you are in an abusive relationship. #6 You start to show signs of abuse. Ask yourself these questions:

1. Are you afraid of him? Sometimes.
2. Is your level of energy or motivation declining, are you depressed? Yes
3. Is your self opinion declining, do you doubt yourself, are you fighting to be 'good enough'? Yes
4. Do you find yourself preoccupied with the relationship? Duh! Am I reading book after book?
5. Do you feel you can't do anything right?
6. Do you feel like the problems in your relationship are all your fault? I did.
7. Do you repeatedly leave arguments feeling like you've been messed with? Ab-so-fucking-lutely. I leave regular conversations feeling that way.

Do you know how disconcerting this is to me? That I put up with this for soooooo long that I have a hard time recognizing it unless someone else points it out to me so clearly? NO ONE has ever said the word abuse to me in therapy. I have used it, but he got so angry and dismissive when I did, that I now realize he can't be responsible for his own behavior, ever.

Last night he headed to bed at 8:30. Said to me "I don't know about you, but I'm going up. I told him I wasn't. He said "oh, that's right, you work in an a/c office all day, no wait, only 3 HOURS a day, no wonder YOU'RE not tired." Would you see that as abuse? Well, it is, dismissing my contribution or my interest, my choice to work there. That I'm not pulling my weight unless I'm working myself into exhaustion. Yet the years I did.... it was because I was doing too much and didn't know how to delegate or relax.

I think #8 should be: Do you ever feel like you can't win?


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
brooke4
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Member # 13581
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, August 27th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Thoughts on why I settled in the M

Looking back and trying to sift through I keep coming back to the idea that I never let it seep into my conscious thoughts that I was settling. It's almost like the facade of great father and husband was so complete I bought it too. I knew on some level that I was angry *a lot*, particularly in the years of the A, and that I wasn't happy, but always assumed it would pass.

One thing I keep thinking back to was that for a long time when we were all out together, my H would always walk a few steps ahead, followed by the children and I would bring up the rear, making sure no one had wandered off, gotten run over, dropped their mittens, etc. I used to bitch about it all the time and he'd always say, "I'm trying to set a pace so they keep walking" or deny that he was really ahead. It actually used to get pretty heated. But I never examined it consciously enough to move it from the realm of nagging and into forcing a real confrontation.

But the funny part is that I'd never see myself as being a doormat. I'm a feminist. I've always handled probably 75% our finances. In terms of our daily lives and decisions, I would have said it was a partnership with me very much the dominant partner.

I do think in my case part of it was having been together since such a young age. I didn't *really* have another adult relationship to compare it to. My H definitely didn't know anything about intimacy or empathy or real love. We still can't figure out exactly what the story with his childhood was, since he barely seems to remember it. Norman Rockwell family, Ivy League parents, lots of children and dogs in a big white house with a picket fence, but not a ton of warmth or affection. Of 5 siblings, 4 of them have gone on to self-destruct in some way: 1 career and family-risking A (my H), 1 drugs, 1 alcohol and completely tanked a very high-flying career, 1 divorced, then alcohol and an A in the second marriage, second divorce. The IC's both say this is no coincidence.

But back to settling. I think we *both* confused intimacy with mothering. And as the years went by I mothered more and more, he became more and more dependent, I resented it but didn't really isolate it as a problem-just bitched about it. And then, of course, he staged the ultimate anti-parent rebellion against me. Ugh.


Me: BS, 40, Him: WS 41
Married: 15 years
3 children
D-Day: 10/2005

Posts: 1483 | Registered: Feb 2007
brooke4
♀ Member
Member # 13581
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, August 27th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Whatnow

Sorry it's been a rough night. I know it's hard, almost impossible, but one thing that helped me in the early days was to be kind of strict with myself when my mind started to wander to the "what ifs." I think you have enough to tackle that's real and that did happen. You're mourning so much and have so much to work through, it has to be draining to expend energy on on scenarios that didn't happen. And a question: did you wake your H in the night and talk to him when you were upset?

Weepy
I'm sorry it feels like you can never win with him. I think I've asked this before, but what does happen if you just put down arms and refuse to engage? Does he keep going? Or sulk? Or what?

LH
How are things?


Me: BS, 40, Him: WS 41
Married: 15 years
3 children
D-Day: 10/2005

Posts: 1483 | Registered: Feb 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, August 27th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brooke -

But back to settling. I think we *both* confused intimacy with mothering. And as the years went by I mothered more and more, he became more and more dependent, I resented it but didn't really isolate it as a problem-just bitched about it. And then, of course, he staged the ultimate anti-parent rebellion against me. Ugh.

Bingo! Yep, me too. And, of course, I had no idea that by adopting that role it left me completely vulnerable to him projecting his NPD mother onto me and using me to work out his childhood issues.

Has he examined his relationship with his mother? (I don't want to sound too Freudian with the whole "tell me about your mother" thing.) Maybe their family was more broken that the large white house and picket fence will tell. Shit, look at my family. Top-notch neighborhood, big house, nice dog, two Ivy League educated parents, good jobs and underneath is complete fucking maelstrom. My kids know what he did. They watch me cry every day and this is all a secret to everyone in our town. We have told a few close friends but they don't live here. I would prod a little on this one.

With my H, his FOO were, ummm, a little more obvious.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
brooke4
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Member # 13581
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, August 27th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Shirley,

Has he examined his relationship with his mother? (I don't want to sound too Freudian with the whole "tell me about your mother" thing.) Maybe their family was more broken that the large white house and picket fence will tell. Shit, look at my family. Top-notch neighborhood, big house, nice dog, two Ivy League educated parents, good jobs and underneath is complete fucking maelstrom. My kids know what he did. They watch me cry every day and this is all a secret to everyone in our town. We have told a few close friends but they don't live here. I would prod a little on this one.

Yes. I'd say that at this point his IC is at least 50% FOO stuff. The problem is that while he gets at a lot of small stuff, and a lot of little light bulbs, there's nothing big he can get at.

He just flat out doesn't remember most of his childhood. You can't have any *real* conversations with his parents (any and all attempts have been disasters) and his siblings are very invested in the it-was-Rockwell-perfect version of things, even though God knows they're messed up. The capacity for denial in the family in general is staggering. Any negative thought, emotion or expression, any lapse in sunny optimism, any neediness, is not only banned but considered shamefully self-indulgent.

One thing his IC has pointed out is that there definitely seems to be a dynamic where if they become more successful than their father they have to self-destruct.


Me: BS, 40, Him: WS 41
Married: 15 years
3 children
D-Day: 10/2005

Posts: 1483 | Registered: Feb 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, August 27th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

shamefully self-indulgent
.

Wow, that statement alone speaks volumes. You are not valued enough to allow yourself to express or even FEEL your feelings.

My H started "Healing the Shame That Binds You" By John Bradshaw last night. I think every paragraph is highlighted and has notations next to it. Have you or your H heard of this book. DL posted about it in general last week and it set off a whole series of conversations in our house.

BTW, my Hs therapist believes that lack of memory is a protection mechanism. I wonder what he is protecting himself from?


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, August 27th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Whatnow)))

You both have had your STD checkup done, havent you? The OW in your sitch sounds so damn pathetic...she was like a leech on the sidelines.

How can someone lose all COMMON SENSE?

Dont even try to make sense of your H now, Whatnow? Theres time enough for that later..not that any of it will make you feel better. Like Brooke says, just focus on the now and trying to get through each day.

It is so painful knowing that everything was tainted. We know. Allow yourself to grieve.

***
Weepy,

Would you see that as abuse?

Your H, like mine, has proven that they are capable of abuse, not just on us, but our kiddos as well.

We need to work on what we are going to do about it. Forget trying to figure out your H, IMHO, Weepy.That is his job, and if he cant be assed, then...
My IC told me at the beginning that I had been abused, and I fought her on that. I realised later that she was right.

Read up more on the abused woman syndrome. And how to make it stop.

***
Hi Brooke.
I am ok. Work is a great distraction. My spirits are abit low, and I am feeling like a right hypocrite. There I was counselling a woman who is in an abusive relationship, and look at me.

H is trying to gaslight and blameshift again. Darn he is good! Fort the effects are shortlived, and I am able to snap out of it faster. This morning he asked me if we could get through the rest of the week without fighting. Instead of brushing him off with a "Oh yes, darling! ", I said, "I will not fight with you this week if you stick to what you are supposed to do, in terms of the house and the kids and our rules."

Which made him huffy with the, "Why cant anything be simple with you?".

Cos lately he has dropped the ball with the house and the kids and the rules. And I have to pick it up, as well as my duties. And I jsut cant anymore. Why say you want to be responsible for things...but then only if and when you are in the mood? Where is the being the responsible adult? Either you are responsible for something or you are not. Or you can share the responsibilities if that was what was agreed. But You Cant Drop It Cos You Dont Feel Like It. You just cant. And he plain just doesnt get that.

I am so tired of this crap.

***

BTW, my Hs therapist believes that lack of memory is a protection mechanism. I wonder what he is protecting himself from?

So did H's IC..but they cant figure out what from either.

I wish I could lose my memory.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Steelergal
♀ Member
Member # 13113
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, August 27th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From a cruise to a cabin. The fresh mountain air is great for the sinuses. I brought my two black lab/border collie mixes, Jill and her pup, Jack. We adopted them last Oct.

First off, welcome to the new folks here.

I've got two down and one to go. Oldest DS left on Sun. for his senior year at college on the east coast. Youngest DS started 4th grade on Mon. We take DD for freshman year of college in two weeks. I'm going to miss her so much. We've been through so much together the past few years.
She's nervous and excited. It will be good for her to get focused on the start of her life.


I DID NOT START THIS CYCLE - I RESPONDED TO IT FOR MY OWN SANITY.
Can we get LTA bumperstickers made with this as our motto?

Amen!

ETA: I've got so much to catch up on. It's been a busy summer around here. It sounds like it has been a rough one for you (((LH))). Shirley you made it past the one year. It's all uphill from here! UKg you're in desparate need of some OW Be Gone and Get the Fuck Outta My Life.

[This message edited by Steelergal at 1:11 PM, August 27th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 701 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: No Cal
UKgirl
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Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, August 27th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my goodness. We have a new home. I'll take a look around when I've dumped my bag and taken a look around. Which room am I in? And where’s the bar? I'm going to try to catch up on the posts from LTA XII and see where everyone is at.

But before I do. I have a confession to make. I'm sorry, I couldn't resist it. I HAD to bat back at OW. In case you've forgotten, she sent FWH a text while he was away. We decided she was drunk (midnight job again) and didn't mean to send. But I told her BH, but they were on holiday (a-fucking-gain?) so when I reckoned they were back I texted him no worries, looks like old text resent. SHE sent to me:
“Stratford was night be4 u went to Egypt. I did not send text. But apparently it was sent accident’ly. Stop texting [BH]” . Cheeky cow. Soooooo. I sent this:
"For goodness sake [ OW's name]. If u had deleted all [FWH] details u would not have sent by ‘mistake’ and I would not have contacted [OW'sH]. [FWH] got ur txt while away. Pls just remove his number and txts from ur phone.”
I was pissed off that SHE was telling me to stop texting her H when that bitch had been fucking my H for five years??? Just where is her moral high ground? But I think it hit the right note.

Just really gentle 2x4's please. And can I have a drink?

Sorry folks. No time, but will catch up asap.

Hugs (((((my tribe))))))


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, August 27th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone for the support. I did not wake up WH in the middle of the night but did talk to him after posting this morning. He became defensive at first and I nicely said- why does it have to become about you? why can't you feel my pain & just be supportive....he said he felt like he was being attacked but was able to back off, hear me for what I was saying instead of making assumptions & taking it personally....and was helpful. He was tearful for some of it- he can't totally understand my thoughts and I obviously can't understand his past reasoning. The pregnancy/birth/maternity leave time is one issue I worry about not being able to forgive him for....it's just something I can't re-do or make new newborn memories.

We're under a lot of stress right now (what else is new, eh?). FIL will be staying with us this weekend- it's our son's 1st birthday which is a trigger in itself...I feel guilty about not being able to give enough to this baby- he would get 2nd child syndrome anyways I'm sure but will all this shit going on- he is really getting the short end. I am barely getting his party together- hardly anyone is coming, AGH. WH's high school reunion is this weekend- he had a whole 27 in his graduating class! LOL


Weepy- Yes, I would see that as emotional abuse. Comments like that will continually make you feel shitty- Sounds like what your WH is projecting onto others (you) is showing how he feels about himself. I continually remind myself that I need to stay focused on my stuff and make MY choices for the future.

Earlier today I tried to blame WH for convincing me OW was a good/honest person...and then I said no, I can't blame you...I just go along with everything anyone tells me & don't stand up for what I feel is right. i'm too gullible I think. WH didn't agree that I go along with everything but...who knows. He has a whole control/power issue we haven't even begun to talk about or think about yet.

So...what about the remorse? What does "showing true remorse" look like?


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, August 27th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shirley, you forgot my tea and smoothie corner, but great job on the decorating!
LOL, I'll be joining you there in the corner, and I'll have my take-along project bag with me.

I've read the messages in the new cabin and have several "me too's"... too many to list but I'm amazed at the similarities, in one way or another, between several of our childhoods. One of my 1st memories is standing on a chair at the kitchen sink, washing dishes while my mother was outside hanging my younger sister's diapers on the line. Did our early lives pre-dispose us to choose the H's we did? I don't think I chose a man like my father. My mom stuck it out with him until I was old enough to contribute to the expense of apt rent before leaving him. I often felt that I didn't have a 'mom', just a room mate. Like Weepy, no one was taking care of me. I'm sure that's where the caretaking skills were honed. And where I learned to put ME last.

My sons & dd are all newly married (less than 2 yrs) so having them know of our situation after 30 yrs was the last thing I wanted. They grew up celebrating special occasions and holidays on 2 days - one with my dad, one with my mom and FWH's family. I don't want that for my grandchildren. Not the only reason I stay... but a factor in wanting to reconcile this marriage successfully.

{{{LTA}}}


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