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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs X I I I
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, September 23rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome back ladies. I have been feeling lost without somewhere to come.

Hope everyone is well.


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, September 23rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow!! Longest 10 days of my life without you guys. Hope everyone is doing okay...Can we get a roll call to see how everyone is? Anybody need support? I am thinking we need to donate enough money to SI so that they can have a backup location and server!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, September 23rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

shirley and whatnow, so good to see you!

Hopefully, the rest of the tribe will show up soon and let us know they are OK.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, September 23rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That was sheer torture - I can't believe how lost I felt without being able to keep in touch with all of you.
HS - I agree that it might be time to have a little fundraiser to make sure something like this can't happen again.
How is everyone??? I missed you all. Thank heavens I had Weepy's phone # and we exchanged e-mail addresses so I didn't feel completely lost - thanks Weepy.
I hope everyone was coping well without the wonderful support here. Here's hoping the next hurricane doesn't shut them down again.
Hugs to all.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, September 23rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank god we're back--a long 10 days for me. I just donated to SI--this is my lifeline some days!!

Doing okay, still think about the infidelity daily, at least some of the time--but it doesn't fill my mind and life like it did. I guess it's time, and distance from OW/OC so I don't have to be so suspicious, (even though H is not giving off any vibes or anything suspicious--course he didn't during the LTA either--but it is different now--we aren't so parallel lived now, more connected)

No difference in my feelings of loss though--that's something I have to learn to live with, and I'm kicking and screaming at the unfairness of it all every step of the way to acceptance. Don't know if I'll ever reach it. Just get more resigned to it!

Hugs to all and so glad to see everyone.

How are you Lost?


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, September 23rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm here. Can't post right now. fnf and I had an idea about PMing emails in case this happens again.

LH? You there?


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, September 23rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm here! Just checked before switching off. It's 12:45AM here, well past LH's bedtime, sweetie needs her sleep.

Tense days without SI, so glad to have you all back. Although some SI'ers poked me on Facebook and LH and I have been in touch.

Night tribe


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, September 23rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would love to exchange e-mails, or facebook if people feel comfortable with either. It was lonely...and worrisome without any connection to anyone!


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, September 23rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's a laugh...I spent last week's therapy session telling my doc how lost I was without this place! She is sitting there with her Harvard MD/PhD going "WTF? !!"

I am completely onboard with sharing emails addresses. I don't have facebook or myspace since I am, apparently, a dinosaur.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
lovinlife
♀ Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, September 23rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just checking in to say how very much I missed SI and to see if everyone is doing OK...

I am also into the idea of exchanging e-mails, and I also have facebook or myspace, if anyone else is interested.

How is eveyone???

Lovin


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, September 23rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, my, you all have no idea how much I have missed you. I wanted/needed to come on here so many times and was just heartbroken when it wasn't up. i realized how important you all are to me!!!!

Got through our 10 year anniversary with many a tear and a horrible fight and am trying to slowly crawl my way out to get ready for dday anniversary. Fun, fun.

LH, how you doing?? I've been thinking of you.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, September 23rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure the best/easiest way to share e-mails or whatnot (without sharing them publically)....


News from us:

WH found a IC yesterday! He has been trying more and due to our schedule constraints it was difficult but he is finally scheduled to start Monday. It's only taken 6.5 months. HUGH sigh of relief for me. I feel like we're having limited progress till he can work on some of his own shit.

We had MC today which was rough. Started out with not much to talk about & ended with me being SUPER emotional, possibly the most there yet, WH being tearful, and having a big ol argument about talking about the A. I feel at this point we are barely talking about the A & feel that it's largely due to WH putting up a wall or whatnot when I attempt to talk. He says he wants me to talk through stuff- he wants to help me....but it feels like time & time again I get squashed. So...we both seem to think the other isn't getting it....but we've talked today and at least we're at an okay place.

I'm tired of this....


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, September 23rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Next to the 9 days FWH was in ICU, the past 10 days were lonnng. I don't know how many times I checked the site and wished that we had exchanged emails or Facebook IDs amongst the tribe. We have a good LD phone plan but I don't have anyone's #.
Not knowing who was affected by the hurricanes, I worried about SI and all who depend on the forums as their only support system. I missed everyone and prayed daily for my LTA siblings.
We haven't talked about the A for a few weeks altho it still crosses my mind daily... often when I least expect it. Sleep disturbances and nitemares are still part of my routine. I'm really glad that SI is back online.
Time to join my H upstairs...

Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
Zolotas
♀ Member
Member # 15271
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, September 23rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Tribe..I haven't posted in a very long time. I have however, lurked and kept up with all of you..and all the newbies. I really felt very lost and missing all of you during the SI down time. I might not post, but I feel a connection to all of you. We're really very much connected and understand our very own LTA situations...only one that has been through all this understands. Hugs to all of you.

I hope all of you are okay and coping. I know it has had to have been hard for all of us to not have SI. I realize how much this support board means to you.and to me.

I really just wanted to say HI and good wishes to each of you. Glad we're all back and online again.

Thanks SI.

Hugs to all,
Zolotas


Posts: 339 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: On my chair
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 12:13 AM, September 24th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So good to see everyone, even those who had a tough time during our involuntary SI break.

Has anyone heard from our girl, Lost?


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, September 24th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

shirley, My IC has been hounding me since day 1 to stop going here, how much better I'll feel if I'm not steeped in "affair". I never listened to her, but used the 10 days to see if it was really true... NOT. Made no change in my attitude, except maybe it pushed me a little further in the "leave" direction.

I've told everyone that this place kept my M intact. That I never thought there was gettingpast an affair. The M was over, period. I've never known anyone who's survived that kind of trauma to their M, until I came here.

However, the most inciteful thing I've done for myself in the last 2 weeks has been to start reading and studying "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay." I've gone through 11 of the guidelines and 8 of them have pointed to "leave". There's 30 all together, so we'll see how it shakes out at the end.

I'm not "working" on my M or worrying about what he wants from me. My IC gave me a recommendation for some relaxation tapes and they came in yesterday. I can't wait to get started on them. I'll let you all know how they work out. Two members from here kept me afloat when I needed them and I can't say how grateful I am this place exists.

I am grateful that DS and MH survived the storm and appreciate all their efforts to get the site back up. I did worry about those who stumbled in here looking for support and couldn't get it. I hope they keep trying.

And now that I have the address again, I am sending DS a donation. If you read her post in General, it's like ALL they cared about was getting this site functional again. Above their own safety and security. Amazing folks.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
hurtbuthappy
♀ Member
Member # 14539
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, September 24th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also have not posted in a long time. Still here and checking in every few days.

It was very hard to feel like this lifeline was gone if I needed it. I don't have facebook or myspace, but would share emails.

Glad everyone seems to be doing ok. As ok as we can be I guess. Some days I wonder if I will ever feel like I really am ok, happy with my life, the way it was before.

I know it won't ever be the same. Wouldn't want it to be. But I would love for someone to ask me how I am and inside know that when I say good, I really am good.

Make sense to anyone??


M-25 years
2 kids

Posts: 131 | Registered: May 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, September 24th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to update everyone on something that I discovered while we were "on break" (hope that doesn't happen again). Obviously, without SI, I had some time on my hands and rather than use that productively, I started researching more on "serial infidelity" (BTW LTA can fall within this spectrum). Try it yourself, google serial infidelity and the first hit is a forum on malignant narcissism. Now, H has already taken a couple of self-tests on NPD online and scored really well! So this is an area that he has been working on very hard along with a host of other issues. Anyway,this article on malignant narcissism hit home so hard for me and, unfortunately, rang true for a lot of your stories. Obviously, I have never met your Hs and don't know them but I would suggest that this is an area you may want to explore.

The reason I am bringing this up is that malignant narcissism cannot be treated with medications at all (AD won't do a thing). It is a personality disorder that must be tackled with extremely intensive therapy with a VERY WILLING patient. Narcissists are great actors and can fool therapists for ages. I know there is an NPD thread here and I am not going in there because I think it will stop my efforts at R. I have had 2 IC sessions on this topic, H had his IC discuss it and we talked about it this week in MC. My IC did admit that NPD, particularly malignant NPD, is extremely hard to overcome and that the only way to get it under control is intensive lengthy therapy (years) with almost a permanent follow-up to look for slippages. Most narcissist resist treatment (and, if you think about it, that makes sense. They have co-dependents that are supporting their narcissistic world where they do nothing but take....pretty good deal if you can get it) She said most narcissists only seek therapy when some crisis in their life destabilizes their life so extremely that they must reach out.

As you can imagine, this is a very scary topic to confront. My H was very successful at lying to me for years. How do I know he is really trying? Well, our MC said the following:

1) He is willingly going to IC without prodding, etc 2x per week and his IC sees changes in his attitude, ability to feel empathy, etc.

2) He tried to quit his behavior willingly before he confessed. He recognized it was wrong and tried to "come back" to me and the family.

3) He confessed. So somewhere deep inside he knew he could not continue on the same path and needed a "crisis" to change.

4) He is doing whatever is asked of him including completely owning his shit. He does not blameshift. He says that what he did was disgusting and makes him sick.

These are the positive signs that I can hang onto. Without them, I would be nuts to stay as his true self would emerge sooner. Maybe this is all still a lie. There is no way to know. That is what I am working on. I am now split in the same way my H was before. He had two lives. He compartmentalized them and they fought against each other leading him to mental instability.

You know the roller coaster that we are on? I think I know what causes it but haven't figured out the solution! My IC said I am split between my emotional self that wants to reconcile with my H for me, for the family and even for him and my Rational self that keeps whapping me up side of the head and saying "WTF are you doing? This guy spent YEARS actively trying to destroy you and you are letting him in your life again????) My IC said I need to start VERY slowly moving toward one side or the other. Toward full R with trust, etc or toward a split but I can't live like this much longer. Maybe that is where the two year mark comes in? She suggested taking baby steps toward being closer to him (not really trust yet just closer) and see how it feels. If that doesn't work baby steps away and see how that feels. Over time, one will feel better, one will show itself to be the path.

Whew! So that's what I have been doing (other than checking on SI 15 times a day to see if it was back up ) How's about the rest of you guys?


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, September 24th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HShirley! I think that you were productive during 'the break'. You are one strong lady. I so admire your tenacity in this struggle with LTA and related issues.
I am learning that "we" are all strong for just being here for each other and our own sakes. {{{HS}}} {{{LTA}}}

Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
Brokenworld
♀ Member
Member # 15293
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, September 24th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has been ages since I last posted, but when the site was down I too felt lost. I, like most of you feel a strong appreciation for the support offered via SI and there are days when I read and learn so much from the strong women (and men) who understand what being a survivor is.
So glad to see that SI is a survivor too.
Hugs to all.


Me: BS
Him: FWH LTA 10+ years
Married:32 years; Together 34
In R I pray
1 Daughter; 1 Son
D-Day 7/2003
Confrontation 8/2004
Relapse 8/2006
Reconciliation...2008

Posts: 133 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: SE US
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