Why does this A stuff have to be such a GAME, when there are no winners?
This ^^ along with the discussion about staying vs. leaving has made me think about how at this point, my M ....or life is such a gamble. Do I stay and hope that not only can he be faithful (what a huge unreasonable expectation I have) but CAN we heal from the damage that he has caused to move forward and be happy? Will I ever be happy again? So, the flip side of that is to leave the M- continue working on becoming happy with myself and hope that one day I find someone else that I fall in love with and is just perfect. But isn't that the problem? I'll never trust anyone the same again- that blind trust thing....and since I didn't know previously...how will I know what i'm getting myself into with another relationship? Maybe we're all better off single. I have a friend who has dated for years and wants another child so desparately and I see the torture she goes through- dating & finding out the new "boy" has done something wrong....or they just don't work out.... again- more time wasted. Isn't it horrible to look at life like that? AGH
So...somehow I've gone back into shock mode. I was driving into work today thinking, OMG- how did he do this? I spent 2.5 years of picking up the kids, coming home, cooking, cleaning, having sex, becoming best friends with the OW, memories of all of us, conceiving another child, having another child, maternity leave, birthdays, christmas's, anniversaries, work changes, new vehicles, blah blah blah....and ALL THE WHILE my f'in WH was greedy enough that he could lie to me- daily. He could have sex with OW#1 or #2 and have sex with me the same day. He could wait for me to go into the shower & sneak downstairs to have sex with OW#2. HOW HOW HOW can someone do that to another person that they LOVE so deeply? And no one gave a shit. It kills me. Every memory I have with OW...2 years of fun times, doing stuff with the kids, drinking, dancing, going out to eat, poker, etc. and all of it was while she's fucking my husband- she believed he was madly in love with her (yet there was no relationship until she offered drunk sex). how can 2 people be so cruel & heartless? (I know it's bad when cruel & heartless in back into my vocabulary) I'm just lost & confused, and unbelievably hurt. When D-day first happened and I started reading and I somehow believed this would not damage my self-esteem, my self-worth....and I have more difficulty with the change in the way I feel about/think about/doubt myself. At this point I really want to go into IC...but I only have 40 sessions/year and we're using them weekly with MC right now.
I want to cry again....
[This message edited by Whatnow28 at 3:01 PM, September 25th (Thursday)]
D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA
"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".
He did it. It's not for YOU to figure out HOW, it's for him and then HE gets to explain it to you.
LH. My psychiatrist just prescribed Valium for my anxiety attacks. He said not to exceed like 3 a week, maybe just at night. I asked about the combination and he said there was no problem with the combo of Wellbutrin and Valium, just to watch I don't get hooked on the V.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
You will find that you will dip in and out of the dark place, but as time goes, these WILL become more infrequent and you will be able to bounce back quicker.
What do you need to help you through this patch? Communicate this to your H, and hopefully, he will be able to be there for you. However, (and I have learned this the hard way), be prepared that he may NOT always be able to be there for you, and that whilst you can lean on us here, you must also be able to pull your own self out. So when the goings are good, utilise that time to rebuild YOU and your inner strength. The M can wait. Your H can sort his own issues out. But to survive this and thrive, YOU need to be getting stronger.
I dont think I have welcomed you yet, so welcome to our sanctuary.
I know we will never understand how the one person who loves us more than anyone else in the world could hurt us this deeply
I am going to disagree with you on this, Hurt. They (WS) did not love us more than anyone else in the world...their very actions indicate otherwise. However, thats not to say that they (WS) are not capable of loving us better going forward.
Also I am learning (slowly )that the person you should love "greatest" in the world, should truly be your self. If you loved your self, you would not indulge in any action that would bring shame to you. And when you love your self truly, then you are able to love another genuinely.
I know I am being verbally challeging at the moment, and hopefully someone more wordskilled can help me out...but it has been discussed here by the "oldies" before, that to survive and thrive this LTA crap, we have to learn to love ourselves again. And for people like me (whose self hatred knows no boundaries), it quite a challenge.
You know, I would have usually checked and doublechecked all the drug info prior to popping. I guess I was just so darn frustrated at getting my back hurt, cos it was so darn inconvenient, and I just wanted a quick fix.Boy, have I learned my lesson.
What complete and utter incompetence. I hope you go ahead with this complaint because that so-called doctor almost killed you. He can't be allowed to do that to anyone else.
Holy crap. I am out of SI practice. I signed my name instead of my moniker.
[This message edited by BorrowTrouble at 5:22 PM, September 26th (Friday)]
Also I am learning (slowly )that the person you should love "greatest" in the world, should truly be your self. If you loved your self, you would not indulge in any action that would bring shame to you. And when you love your self truly, then you are able to love another genuinely
I agree. I had a week long off/on discussion with WH about this a few weeks ago and he kinda agrees....but somehow we continued to argue about it forever. I think he's stuck in that defensive mode when we begin to talking about the possibility of him being "broken" even if it's as simple as not truly loving yourself....which I think almost all of us could work/improve on. Some things that i question about myself...and WH should certainly be questioning based on everything....he just doesn't. I don't know- maybe it's just that he can't accept his own faults that is his issue right now.
anyways...from a fortune cookie last week (I saved it of course)
Our first and last love is....Self Love.
[This message edited by Whatnow28 at 8:20 AM, September 26th (Friday)]
"Do not fear competition"
"A fair face my fade, but a beautiful soul lasts forever."
I have it in my wallet to help me remember my self-worth.
Did you guys ever add "in bed" to the end of all your fortunes? Silly little thing we used to do here.
Our first and last love is....Self Love "in bed"
Do not fear competition "in bed"
A fair face my fade, but a beautiful soul lasts forever." "in bed"
Maybe those aren't the best idea for SI.
I miss you, FSA.
I have just now launched the complaints investigation, with firstly, the GP for prescribing, and secondly, the pharmacy for dispensing.
The regional pharmacy manager did confirm that I was given the maximun dose and that that should have sent some alarm bells ringing on their side, so they are launching their own internal investigation re the dispensing pharmicist.
Looks like its going to be a long haul battle, and I am just so tired. I still cant sleep, but at least the hallucinations have stopped.
I know this needs to be done...but darn it.
How you doin'?
And where's FNF?
Ukg and I plan to meet up in 2 weeks, so if anyone wants to join us cuz lunch is on her.
Fnf, yay the good times!!!
I am still a bit numb. Yesterday when I was speaking to the pharmacy manager, I started shaking. I think the reality of what happened is sinking in, and I am feeling out of sorts.I am trying to get some joy from moment to moment and at times I can, but I just want to be left alone, KWIM? Just hide under my duvet with a book. Thanks for asking.
And how are you doing??
FNF, I am really starting to like my new IC. She is very smart and picks up on my moods very quickly. This week we spent a lot of time talking about the OW. I still have this desire to confront/write/email them to tell them what scum they are and how they contributed to my hurt. She really doesn't want me to do this for a lot of reasons (how it will make me feel, unintended consequences, etc). We argued about this for about 15 minutes before she brought a degree of clarity to the situtation for me. Again, it is all about "control". She asked if I really believed they would accept what I have to say and believe it. Of course not as they are obviously from a completely different planet. So she proceeded into the whole "you can't control what other people think/do" topic and for the first time I think I really "got it". I could meet them face to face with my H holding my hand and they would probably think "well he is just doing that to make her feel better but deep down he still luuuuuvvvvs ME" . I will never be able to change their warped view of the world so why bother. I think this is a big step for me. For now at least, I can set them aside and look forward. Okay, everybody cross your fingers and toes that this little baby step holds for me.
So she proceeded into the whole "you can't control what other people think/do" topic and for the first time I think I really "got it".
Sweetie, that is not a baby step, that is HUGE!
So good on ye!
I am not even going to go into H leaving me for them topic, cos it going to bring me down and right now, I am just fine, thank you. But I will get into it when I get in a venting mood.
In the midst of my medical crisis last week, I made the mistake of reaching out to my youngest sister. I KNOW I should not count on anyone to "get it", but boy, did she lay into me. I know she does it out of love and she wants me to be strong again. All I wanted was...well some TLC. not somebody blasting me about how selfish I am, how tired everyone is with my moods, how I am always whining about how bad my life is yet I never do anything to change etc etc.
Now she has been sending me books about beating depression and thinking positively etc etc. Good books, I know...its up to 5.I mailed her after the 2nd one and told her to stop, and rather contribute to my LIBE Fund (thats liposuction/breast enhancement ).
She arrives today and despite now knowing that it was all a medicall f-up, she still thinks that I just need to be positive and be more pro=active in my life. She is HUGE on The Secret and I can appreciate it that. Just the thought of having these "conversations", which are more like she telling me what to do and how to do it, whilst she is here..sigh.
Going to need alot of mojo to get through this week. Its going to be very challenging as we have a big family do, and I have been running around doing my share and trying to appear as "normal" as possible.
Gee, I missed this place. I used to have these conversations to you guys all the time. I even woke up one morning with Ukg's name on my lips.
[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 9:22 AM, September 28th (Sunday)]
The OW did not love you. She thought she did and in the shallow sense that she might have been capable of love, maybe she did. But if she had really loved you, she would never have wanted you to lose your self-respect, your integrity, or the respect and love of those who mean the most to you.
Their so-called love is really about their own neediness and their own lack of self worth. Any woman willing to settle for a life as the OW with no possibility of commitment and involving themselves with someone who has proven to be incapable of commitment, has to have the lowest self-esteem imaginable.
FNF - Absolutely spot on! I couldn't have said it better.
Lost Heart - I am sorry that your sister can't give you the TLC you need. The good news is that you recognize what she is doing is out of love...it is just not the kind of love you need. I have some minor analysis on her "just be positive thinking" like this:
she still thinks that I just need to be positive and be more pro=active in my life.
I am learning that a lot of times when people give us advice like this the person they are really talking to is THEMSELVES. This is HER way of coping not yours. As she is talking, if you can just imagine that she is talking to herself and trying to take her own advice it might make it easier to take. (Or I can hope for your sake
Hugs Tribe. I hate this techno stuff!!!