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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs X I I I
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, September 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well FNF since you asked!

Our sex life from the very beginning was very "healthy". We were teenagers in love in college with no supervision so you can imagine. Throughout his affairs our sex life had cycles but I think that had more to do with my exhaustion with working full time on Wall Street in a high stress career with little ones and him always out of town doing start ups. I will now admit to myself that I "withheld" from him to "make a point" (geez - how did that work out for me? ) But even during the worst of things we were having great sex. Sex is veeerrrry important to him so at some level this is a test for me and for him. I don't want to give him just to please him and I don't want him to stray. I don't know exactly how long I am planning on doing this for but I think it is until I have decided one way or another. At that point, I want to start again very slowly - almost like back then when things moved ahead in passion and then we stopped because we were afraid of what it might mean.

FYI to all - I have been in a major throwing-shit-out mode since dday. I have been systematically going through closets, attics, basements, etc and tossing crap that I kept around for sentimental value that I hated. The fucking Moose Clock that his parents gave us (I kid you not it was the ugliest thing on the planet) was first to go. Anyway, I hit a box of my old journals from college and started reading. I was amazed. The dynamics that drove us to where we were on dday started then. I wrote about them and then forgot or put them away because I didn't want to recognize it. To see it in my own writing now makes me so sad for that young girl who put her love for another young man in front of her love for herself. I wish I could go back and help her. Now, I can just give her a hug and tell her she did the best she could.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, September 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shirley,

I have had precisely the same experience reading old short stories of mine, rather than journals.

makes me so sad for that young girl who put her love for another young man in front of her love for herself.

(((Shirley)))


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, September 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

with working full time on Wall Street

So, HS, what's your take on today's crash. It's scary as hell and I'm just hoping by the end of the week it's back up to where it was on Friday.
As to the sex issue, it's so complicated for all of us and we each have to take the approach that feels right for us. I just hope you are finding a way to have intimacy during this period.
I love it when my H gives me back massages (with scented oil of course) or just snuggles with me. Physical closeness without sex can be so important to a relationship.
BTW, your discovery was amazing. We were so young back then and never could have understood the impact these insights were going to have on us. I always go back to the night about a month before our wedding when I knew, really knew in my heart, that I shouldn't marry my H. I could feel it so strongly. When I tried to end the engagement, my H was desperate, trying (and succeeding) to convince me that we were right for each other. Yeah, whatever! I always wonder how differently my life would have turned out if I had stood by my instincts.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, September 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay...just watched Waaaay to much CNBC...so lets put sex and our hearts in the background. I don't want to get banned but I think all of Capitol Hill needs to put their re-election needs on the back burner and do this NOW! I was in the credit market area and understand it better than I should. If the commercial paper market and the repo market freeze, the guy down the street that sells cars or has a deli will be out of business within months. Already there are people that can't meet payroll because they can't finance their inventories. As I said, I have to be careful as this could be interpreted as political but it is not. The credit market run the economy. The stock market is just a teeny weeny part of that. I am scared shitlees that DC doesn't get this. We are mostly invested in Tbills but I may be in canned food soon!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, September 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is Wall Street a banned subject?????

Had a laugh about it today when H came home. I wrote my congressman, senators, both presidential candidates, our local newspaper, etc. I have no problem with the govt bailing out a market that's sure to crash. I do have a problem with "rewarding" greedy and selfish people who mortgaged over their heads and lenders who gambled on the rising market. Just like in the rest of my life, I am considerate and deliberate and we crunched these numbers big time before we went into our new house. And purposely did a fixed rate mortgage because we knew there was something "fishy" about no down, no interest for 5 year loans. Come on people.

Anyway when the crash hit today, H came home and said it was all my fault. I could have felt guilty, but instead I just told him he better watch his butt if I was that powerful, who knows what I'll do next.

I just had one thought while I was sitting her typing dictation at 11 pm.. and that is I hear from all you guys "I don't know how you put up with him Weepy." Well, it dawned on me that's because you just don't know how bad it was during those other years. It was worse, It was more than awful. So as bad as it is here now.. it was 50 x worse then.

It just gets me pissed off because I know how good we were and what we could be. Unfortunately it won't happen without him along for the ride.

And one other note...I told him I checked on my 401 today and he said "well at least you have that, I don't have anything. I'm going to be counting on social security." Wow, nice to know I have a nest egg he thinks he can't touch....Wonder how he'll feel when I control that on retirement?

[This message edited by weepy at 9:58 PM, September 29th (Monday)]


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, September 30th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just told him he better watch his butt if I was that powerful, who knows what I'll do next.


Weepy, that's putting him in his place!!!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, September 30th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyway when the crash hit today, H came home and said it was all my fault.

Ok Weepy, WTF is he talking about??? He really is a challenge, isn't he???
HS - Any predictions for today? I'm afraid to turn on the news. BTW, if you're interested, I can heat up your canned food in my 29 year old kitchen if Congress doesn't resolve this.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, September 30th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fnf: He was kidding. I feel like the "all powerful Oz" right now... what would you all like to happen.. give me your wishes, I'll change the world.

I told DD if she doesn't get into the market NOW while the bargains are out there, she's stupid. She's 23, and has all those years a head of her to be "careful". NOW is the time for her to be taking aggressive moves. I may look into transferring some of my preservation trust money into the market account just so I can. I can move it back tomorrow if I chicken out.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, September 30th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fnf: He was kidding.

Whew - I was a bit worried for you.
My H said the same thing last night - we should buy more now but I am chicken and I just want what we have in there to go back to their previous values.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, September 30th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what would you all like to happen.. give me your wishes

Hmmmm - let's see. I'd like the OW to grow a third tit, a humped back and a nasty cluster of warts on her nose and up her ass and for my H to accidently bump into her and see what everyone else saw while he was in his stupid fog.
HS - still think I'm sophisticated????


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, September 30th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, September 30th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

now makes me so sad for that young girl who put her love for another young man in front of her love for herself

Same here.

My Ic has been putting alot of emphasis on me learning to love myself, starting from when I was a child...and it just makes me so sad when she gets me to talk about "that child" or "that young woman". Sometimes I get really pissed at myself for being so blind..and sometimes I just feel so sad for her.

Another topic:
If anyone of you has been given this homework in IC, please advise. I just dont know how to do it, KWIM? She says stuff like, "You really hate the way you look" and I agree because its true. How am I supposed to change something like that? The mirror doesnt lie.So how am I supposed to accept and love the person I am? I just dont get it.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, September 30th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"You really hate the way you look" and I agree because its true. How am I supposed to change something like that? The mirror doesnt lie

(((LostH))) I am heading off to MC in a minute but will try to give you something to think about. Is it the mirror or the PERSON looking in the mirror that decided what you look like? If you have already decided that you don't like yourself, what chance are you giving yourself for a positive self-image? If you look in the mirror looking for someone of beauty (and remember beauty is not only on the surface!!!) don't you think you will have a better chance to see that person of beauty? Now remember, I have spent over a year listening to your advice and wisdom of other members and you have a heart of gold. Recently, I had the opportunity to see a pic of you and know what? You are a very beautiful woman; you just need to see it. Now if you are talking about "I don't like my x" then change it, cut it, makeover it, get a manicure, whatever...but do not disregard your inner beauty because that is what allows you to see your outer beauty. KWIM?


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, September 30th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but do not disregard your inner beauty because that is what allows you to see your outer beauty. KWIM?

IC said the same thing.
That I have to work on the inner love.

I know I am sounding like a right whingey thing going on about this.
I get it intellectually, but not with my heart. Like I told Fnf, I have said and done things post dday, that have shown me just how ugly my insides are.

I think I will shut up now,cos I am being tiresome,but thanks Shirley. I hope your session goes well.

***
And where is everyone else??


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, September 30th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm here- well, I'm at work. sssshhhh- not supposed to be online.

I haven't started IC yet so who knows where that will take me when I do start.


I agree with HS though- It's the inner beauty- Realizing that no one is "perfect". We all have our flaws, inside & out and I think the goal is to get to where we can accept those and be happy with who we are. Just as who we are- nothing more, nothing less.


I am pained when I think of things that WH may have enjoyed/appreciated/liked about OW#2. It's the things that I know I didn't have ie: she has gorgeous teeth, she enjoyed the type of music he did, she was willing to do dirty chores with him, she was obviously providing more sexual fulfillment at the time, her make-up is nice, her hair is pretty, as WH has said, she was free-spirited, she was submissive (although he says too much) Anyways....I hate to think of all these things but at the same time remind myself that WH loves me for who I am. And while they may have had a blast listening to music together- he has many more similar things/appreciation/respect/love, etc. for me.

I finished typing and then came back to edit. That ^^ sounds like my feelings of myself are based on WH's feelings towards me. I don't think I'm that way, I hope. I guess what I'm trying to say is that at the end of the day when I go to sleep I need to be happy with me. With what I have and don't have and appreciate that I'm unique & special.

Am I making any sense?


=

[This message edited by Whatnow28 at 10:50 AM, September 30th (Tuesday)]


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, September 30th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Whatnow
Wow, you are brave to lurk from work.

My "angst" is not really about the OW. I know OW#1 and mmm... .
I have no idea what OW#2 looks like except she is quite pretty and way thinner and more chilled and easygoing than I am. It bums me out that I dont know what she looks like, cos I see her everytime I see someone who belongs to her ethnic group and wonder. Its wrong, I know.
The fact that she knew what we looked like, she knew stuff about us...and I know f-all sucks.

But this isnt about them or even what H thinks about me. I wouldnt even dare ask him what he loves about me cos I can recognise that I am still vulnerable and need to protect myself. The thing is I know that he doesnt much like me, let alone love me. We are just coming out of a really dark tunnel and I dont want to go there with him, KWIM?

So this is about me..and what I think of me.
And how I can go about changing that.

H thinks that I think too highly of myself and that I should jump off my pedastal...that alone shows you what diff planets we live on at the moment!

For people with "poor self esteem" (God I hate that phrase)...how did you genuinely build that up?

I had invested so much of myself into being a good mum and wife, that when that blew up in face consecutively, I am left with nothing. I used those roles as a cover, and I need to address the me behind those roles.

And I dont know where to start.

Its like being a teenager again, in a way.

I AM being Ms Grumpypants, arent I?


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
TwoHearts
♂ Member
Member # 20647
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, September 30th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she has gorgeous teeth, she enjoyed the type of music he did, she was willing to do dirty chores with him, she was obviously providing more sexual fulfillment at the time, her make-up is nice, her hair is pretty, as WH has said, she was free-spirited, she was submissive (although he says too much)

It is hard to understand how much of that your husband said and how much of that you interpreted from what he said or did.

I will tell you this, if my WW told me that much nice crap about her OP it would mean the end of our M.

Any spouse who would tell you that stuff or even allow you to continue believing that many negative things about yourself or positive advantages about his OW needs to be whipped.

It is my experience that men who treat their wife like a subordinate and OW who take advantage are not anything compared to their spouse who is home believing in them and trying to do right by them. Give yourself a lot more credit than what they would like you to have and believe that you are special, because you are better than either one of them.


1Sa 22:23 (NIV) - "Stay with me; don't be afraid; the man who is seeking your life is seeking mine also. You will be safe with me."

Posts: 681 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: 2nd Place
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, September 30th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH- I think we're saying the same things....and I think I know *where* we should all be headed but I guess like you- I'm not sure *how* to get there. *how* to begin feeling better about yourself.

The strangest thing happened last night and I decided to share. It's silly really. Our "wedding song" is from the movie Hope Floats. I never watch tv- WH always has something on when the tv is on. Well, he was on the computer & I scrolled through the guide to see if anything good was on. Hope Floats was on- 2.5 hour movie when on TV so I switched onto it wondering if the part with our song was anywhere close. Of course....the second I turned it on the music changed (it shows a dance setting) from a fast song to our song. It was so perfect I didn't even hear the other song at all- It was RIGHT into our song. It was SO crazy. Hearing the song probably would have made me cry anyways- but the incredible timing was just wierd. So...that's my wacko story of the day.


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, September 30th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to say hello to all.

Not much of anything going on my way.

Ready for some cool weather. Temps are still kind of hot here.

Hope all of you are doing great!!!

FSA
Finally Shut up for Awhile


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, September 30th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad to see you FSA. We've been thinking about ya.


I forgot to mention that WH found my voice recorder over the weekend. He asked what it was and hadn't realized it was for the situation- he thought I must use it for work. I just rolled my eyes, sighed, and told him because lying is not part of me and what I do. He was a little angry and said something like, I thought we weren't supposed to have lies & secrets? I said- I need to do certain things to protect myself. He didn't act worried about anything I had heard although he's so f'in good at not showing anything. Even if there had been stuff going on he would have been calm & collected. (that thought makes me so angry). This makes me think of the day I came home and asked him why the mattress was moved away from the boxspring? After d-day he told me it was because they had sex on our bed of course...and told me the position because I didn't understand how. At the time when I asked him he was so smooth- so sly, calm & collected.

So.....now that he found the recorder I know he'll go even further under cover if he continues or starts another A.


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
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