Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: SoCalBoy (43217)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs X I I I
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, October 1st (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FNF- When was your D-day- How did you find out? What happened to her? They don't work together anymore, right?


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, October 1st (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

D-day was 12/23/05 - 2 days before Christmas. My H came home with a shopping bag of gifts and put them on a chair. I took the bag and began emptying it so that I could get everything put away. I was having 30 guests for Christmas day. In the process of pulling things out of the bag, a card dropped to the floor and I picked it up. The card said it all.
I was destroyed and I still had to go through the holidays for my children as if everything was normal. I really don't know how I did that.
I told my H that he had a choice - she goes or I go. He told her she had to go and thankfully she went without a fight. She was given two weeks notice and fortunately the first week was not a full week thanks to the holidays. Then I made my H take the second week and go to his brother's out of state while she packed up her things. By the time he returned she was gone. She attempted calling him a few times and he says he immediately hung up on her and that she hasn't made any attempt to contact him since. I do hope this is true. I also had him confess to our adult children and this really helped to snap him out of any fog he might have been in as well as serving him with property settlement papers. It all happened very, very quickly and once he saw how easily he could have lost all of us, he worked very hard at trying to do whatever he could to save our M and our family.
ETA - My H did not tell me the whole truth that day. In fact, he only admitted to an 8 month A. Weeks later he said it was a 3 year A and finally several months after other evidence from co-workers he admitted to an 8 year A. To this day, I am not sure if there is more even though he repeatedly assures me that is all there is to know. But how can I be sure when he has proven himself to be such a consummate liar.
At this point in our R I have pretty much stopped pushing although occasionally I do continue to push for more information.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 9:23 PM, October 1st (Wednesday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, October 2nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jumping on quickly to say I can't get on today. Got a call last night that my Discover card # has been breached, victim of identity theft so I have to make about 1000 calls today. And for everyone, I'm going to change my email address too, just in case they accessed my info through that. I will give that to those I' PM'd later today or tomrrow.

This sucks! Oh and something I will be keeping from DH because he'd freak. Just one more thing I've done "wrong".


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, October 2nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Weepy))) - I had that happen a few years ago and it was so frustrating but fortunately it was caught immediately.
I still worry every time I open a new account because that's just one more avenue for someone to have access to your private information.
Good luck Weepy. We'll be thinking of you.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, October 2nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just one more thing I've done "wrong".

Weepy, you know you did not do anything wrong.

When your H says anything, DIS-ENGAGE. Dont listen, leave the room or sing a song in your head...heck, sing one out loud.

((((weepy))))


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
hurt789
♀ Member
Member # 20937
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, October 2nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fnf - you posted this last night

Talk about an idiot. They must have been laughing their sorry asses off. That's what I mean when I say they used the friendship against me. She knew so much about me and about us. It's hard to think that someone you think you know so well could use you so horrendously. I don't know if I can ever really forgive her

I am having a real tough time getting a handle of this one. The ow was my bf, for about 16 years. I know the world would be a better place if she was dead. How did you, if you did, stop the awful feelings of wanting to destroy her? I want to not think about her. I know she isnt worth a single ounce of my time, its just hard. She would call my WH as soon as we would talk, or I would say something about him. I know it was all to get my WH to think she was the better person, that he should leave me for her...I guess it should be enough that I know she is at home everyday, hating being married to her H, knowing that she wasnt anything more than a conveniant piece of ass. I want that to be enough so I don't think about her.


BS 40
WS 43
MARRIED 20
TOGATHER 22
1 PERFECT DAUGHTER
DDAY7/13/08
LTA - ALWAYS


Posts: 240 | Registered: Sep 2008
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, October 2nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How did you, if you did, stop the awful feelings of wanting to destroy her?

I don't know that I'll ever make peace or truly forgive her. I think my goal where she's concerned is to reach a place of indifference, where I really don't give a damn what happens to her or how happy or miserable she is.
Lately I've had the same dream a few times and I know it's significant. I dream she is in the room with me and my H and I am physically shoving her out the door, screaming "get out of my house." She is pushing her way back in and I am pushing harder to get her out. I really believe my subconscious is trying to rid me of any more thoughts of her and I know I have to do this. We both do. They are nothing. They tried to destroy us and our families. They are the worst pieces of shit that ever entered our lives. I have mentioned this many times here but I have no desire to ever hear anything from her. I have no need of closure. There is nothing she could say to me to justify her betrayal.
It's interesting to me that you said "she was nothing more than a convenient piece of ass." That's exactly what I said about her in my profile. Somehow it's comforting to know that others completely understand how we think and feel.
(((Hurt789)


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, October 2nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They must have been laughing their sorry asses off.

I had to do a visual with my IC like 3 weeks running to get rid of that recurring nightmare. The only saving grace was that I had her pictured like Jack Nicholson in the Batman movie, as the Joker.

Looks like Discover caught it early. They called and said someone tried to change the billing address for my Discover card. They failed because they didn't have all my personal info, but they had some. I notified everyone I know.

I was getting spammed to death on that email account anyway.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, October 2nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looks like Discover caught it early

Great news! So glad no real damage was done.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, October 2nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks FNF for sharing more of your story. Glad to hear that OW left easily. It is interesting that I heard the "whole truth" from OW. I can't imagine how long I would have gone along getting trickle truth from WH. He had been lying for so long I don't think they know how to be honest anymore.

Weepy- Huge relief that Discover discovered the problem quickly.

How did you, if you did, stop the awful feelings of wanting to destroy her?

I hate OW#2. WH didn't understand why I cared about her so much...and thought I was a little crazy. I then reminded him that I could care less about OW#1 even though she was an acquainance too. But, OW#2- I hate her. The thought of her just puts me over the edge. She disguists me- the thought of WH being interested in her disguists me. I don't know if I'll ever get to a place where I can tolerate the thought of her. She was so horribly manipulative of the situation. I'd love to somehow make her suffer- i know it's good for them to think we're (BS) doing just wonderfully but I would want her to know how f'in hurt & pissed off I am. I would love to publically humiliate her, to make her life hell for a long time. To move into MY home and destroy my life.?! Makes me want to scream.

I've been pretty triggered tonight (nothing new) about OW#1 for some reason- I had a dream about her last night. The other male "friend" of ours that know of the A all along- who continued on having an A with OW#1- It just amazes me that he was my "friend" too and yet no one gives a shit about us. The people that should be thought of immediately (BS's) and no one is in reality enough to have those thoughts.

When this male "friend" and OW#1 came out to her husband (she was preggo)- OW#2 was actually the person who told me that OW#1 was preggo with "friends" baby- I had such a reaction that OW#2 said she was shocked by it since it didn't even involve me. Well no, it didn't involve me but I was concerned for my friend and upset about their situation and how messed up it was. I knew all of these people & as we were all hanging out around my house (WH, OW#2, & I) I frequently talked about the situation- How I felt SO bad for the BS in that situation...how we should call him to offer support. I said over & over how it's normal to fuck up (friend having A with OW#1) sometimes but if you realize that you've fucked up you THEN fix the problem instead of just messing life up more.

I said all those things for weeks- months and it made only a tiny tiny difference on WH & OW#2. She said it didn't make the situation anymore real for her but she used it as a way to "stop" the A with WH. Ya, they possibly stopped for a week. Even the thought of stopping for a week kills me. The amount of times they had sex- hundreds...it feels like too much sometimes. It probably shouldn't matter but it does. WH almost knows OW#@ better or as good as me.

I hope you all can make sense of that fucked up mess I just typed up above. ^^^^ Such a screwed up triangle. UH, speakign of fucking triangle. The thought of the group sex kills me. OMG- what was wrong with WH? How can he be so cruel?


I'm so tired of thinking about this shit. WH & I went along not talking about A stuff for weeks and now I feel like we've opened the can of worms again and that all I want to talk about.


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, October 2nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been feeling pretty good these last couple days. Don't know why. H came home early today because he made dinner plans with a guy from work. Normally that would have been a problem or I would have been glad to get rid of him. Tonight it was neutral. I did initiate sex before he left... well, I suggested it and he was more than compliant, so I guess it was ok.

Then as he was getting dressed he pulled out a shirt I'd just bought him and it was wrinkled unbelievably. I told him he couldn't go out like that (my insecurity would have let him go out looking like a homeless guy -- I mean who would be interested in that?). Anyway I pressed it and gave it to him. Told him that when all the little chippies said how much they liked his shirt, he was to tell them his WIFE bought and ironed it for him. He did the self-depreciating thing like 'yeah, all the little chippies are going to be after me'. But I didn't care.

My worst fear through all of this is that he would find a "normal" great woman to have the next affair with. That the next one would be the exit affair, but you know, I think he's just too damn tired and beat up to pursue something like that. And he never pursued anything like that before. Everyone was a ONS or the drug addict or a prostitute.

It's sad though, I do look at him and think "nah, I wouldn't be interested in him at all."

Sometimes I wish I had an OW to hate and destroy. Someone who could corroborate information, then I'm happy she's dead and then I wonder if she really is... was it really her or was her death a convenient scapegoat? Either way I hate her with a deep abiding white hot rage. Her and all the others and the people that knew her too.

He just called and said he was on his way home and was bringing me pasta. #1 I'm on Atkins #2 he "forgot" the pasta had shellfish in it (I'm allergic). FORGOT. Yeah, that was a trigger. Anymore I just write it off that he's an asshole and move on. Some day either I'll totally accept he's an asshole, or I'll leave because he's an asshole.

I got good news at work today. They have new assignments for me because apparently I'm too efficient. And these new opportunities, if they pan out can get me either full time work or some commissions. May take a few months, but I'm hoping.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, October 2nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy- Glad to hear you've had a good couple of days lately. I did have to laugh at this though:

Anymore I just write it off that he's an asshole and move on. Some day either I'll totally accept he's an asshole, or I'll leave because he's an asshole

How are you doing HS?


Maybe I'm demented...or this is normal...I'll let you guys decide. I know everyone hates the mind movies...but do you ever feel like you need to stop yourself & make yourself look at it? Actually stop & think about how situations would have happened? How OW would have acted, WH would have acted- who would have said what, etc. etc. Am I psycho that I make myself do this sometimes? I want every single teensy tiny detail. I've always over- analyzed everyone & everything so this is just torture.


One more question- Everyone else must have some specific horrible aspects that bother them about the A's. Am I just more obsessed with them still because D-day was only 7 months ago? Oh god, 7 months ago tomorrow was the last day they had sex. The day they took the pictures that I saw.


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 4:18 AM, October 3rd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How did you, if you did, stop the awful feelings of wanting to destroy her? I want to not think about her. I know she isnt worth a single ounce of my time, its just hard

Hurt,
Yes it is hard. Let your imagination run riot and think of the most creative ways to make her suffer.
Get it out of your system..post it here; record it in a journal.

But at some point, you will get to a place when you know that she just cant take any more space in your life...THAT YOU WILL NOT LET HER.
Knowing that THIS time, you have the power to keep her in the M (with these thoughts), or let her slink back under her rock where she belongs, is very freeing.
And then you will slowly start to let go...in time.

Mind you, even the old timers here will tell you that sometimes, no matter how good the M is, something will trigger and you will think of her, and it will still suck. But it will be easier to snap out of it.

***
Fnf, so whats with those dreams?
They must be quite disturbing, but at least they show you and H on the same team.

I havent had a dream of the OW in...yonks. I do dream of him with other women,which are upsetting, but lately, I have had a few dreams when I am re-M'd to someone else....and I am happier and content, as are the kids.

I havent figured out yet whether the someone else is really me acknowledging that I can have a better future with somebody else; or me acknowledging that H has changed from the old H and is really a new H.

Mmmmm.

***
Weepy,

He just called and said he was on his way home and was bringing me pasta. #1 I'm on Atkins #2 he "forgot" the pasta had shellfish in it (I'm allergic). FORGOT

Your H is such a classic PA sometimes..its actually funny.
You didnt react the way he expected you to his dinner plans (old weepy would have thrown a scene,giving him an opportunity to huff and puff his way out about how mean and horrible you are etc); so what else could he do to get a reaction? He forgot about your diet and allergy. yeah right.
Good for you for not reacting to this , Weepy.

You are changing the steps to the dance, and you are feeling better. Hooray!

Some day either I'll totally accept he's an asshole, or I'll leave because he's an asshole.

Weepy, I think you already know inside. And thats why this is so difficult.

***

Am I psycho that I make myself do this sometimes? I want every single teensy tiny detail. I've always over- analyzed everyone & everything so this is just torture

Whatnow
You are trying to make sense of this trauma. I did it over and over again. The thing is H forgot alot of details and I then made them up; the danger being that I always made them better than they actually were, so then I would be more hurt.

Eventually I had to stop for my sanity.

Everyone else must have some specific horrible aspects that bother them about the A's. Am I just more obsessed with them still because D-day was only 7 months ago?

Yes. Sweetie, I know this sounds a bit condescending, but it is true. The first year is so hard...so raw and emotional and fresh.Its like the accident happening over and over again, and you still feel the trauma fresh, with every detail that comes out, with every memory that you remember and ask, "OMG, Did you do that when XXX?" and very birthday and anniversary and other special dates get relooked at through these new eyes and it is so darn painful.
EVERYTHING that happened during those years will take you back and will analysed and put together again.

Oh god, 7 months ago tomorrow was the last day they had sex. The day they took the pictures that I saw.

Be gentle with yourself, Sweetie. Sometimes you have to be so strict with yourself and know when you are not strong to dredge up those memories...just shut that door! They will still be there in 2 hours or the next day or next week. But to stop yourself from falling too deep, please learn to be kind to yourself.

(((Whatnow))))


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 4:34 AM, October 3rd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am a bit upset with H.

Previously he used to work away from home and we would see him on weekends.Then sometime after dday, he started working from home, and now he goes into the office about once a week (6 hr commute) and the once a week to the client.

this has worked out brilliantly for us especially since I started work, as it means he can help out with the kids, help with household chores, heck he even cooks some days. I work really hard as I know I have alot of ground to cover, after being a SAHM for 12 years, so when i get home, it is nice knowing that if I had a particularly hard day, that he can watch the kids, so I can just destress.

However, for the past few months,, he has been quite depressed and hasnt been working quite to standard..in fact some days he hardly bothers. He refuses to take anti-deps, even on the advice of his IC...so he sinks deeper.
He has been warned a few times by his supervisor for not delivering. And I and his IC have pointed out, how this could go bad for us.

So yesterday he gets a call from the manager who told him that as they are way behind schedule,(unsaid: due largely to him)that they want him at the office for 2-3 days week. His supervisor called him ahead to warn him, and asked him if she can mention to the manager that he is suffering from depression etc (and maybe a support package could be put in place or expectations lowered etc)but he refused for her to do that.

So this impacts ALL of us.
I am just about managing working and coming out of this health crisis and balancing everything, so this means I will have to take on the bulk again...but this time I wont be a SAHM. So obviously I am freaking out about how I will manage.

Yes, I am being selfish..but heck. Whenever he began a new job,I totally supported him. All he had to do was focus on work and I took care of evrything else. Now its my turn and I still dont get that full support cos he is working too..but damn. Now this.

I dont know whether he will plab to stay overnights there like he did before cos it would be stupid to have a 6 hour commute everyday. He said he will do it anyway, so that I can rest easy that he is not "up to anything" at night. How stupid.He was doing OW during work time anyway, so that doesnt make me feel better. All it means is that he will get home very late and leave home very early so we wont see him, he will be extra tired and extra grumpy, so will slack off when he is at home. But him staying in hotels is a huge trigger anyway, so either way I am screwed.

I am so uspet with him, cos I have been warning him of exactly this for a long time now. And he has the nerve now to tell me that he doesnt have a choice.

YEt again, it is due to his poor decisions, that WE have to pay the price for.

I am just so angry with him.
I dont even want to talk to him cos I know I will say alot of unpleasant stuff.
Also this pain in my legs and back keeps up at night and I cant even trust my f-king GP to prescribe the right medication.

Arrrrrrghhhhh.

And thats my rant for this morning, folks.
Thank you.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
brooke4
♀ Member
Member # 13581
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, October 3rd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


How did you, if you did, stop the awful feelings of wanting to destroy her?

I struggled with this a lot. I'm one of the people who never outed the OW to her H--partly for selfish reasons to be perfectly honest. But knowing that I had the ability to throw a bomb into her life as she'd done to mine was tempting to say the least. I do think in the end, though, there's a lot of self-respect to be gained from simply deciding to close the door in her face. For all she knows I've never given her a moment's thought, which I suspect (histrionic personality disorder poster child that she is) causes her much more angst than my ranting and raving at her would ever have done.

LH-

I think my H's IC would say that your H's actions--refusing to consider meds, digging himself into a hole at work that could potentially have ramifications for your whole family--is his tendency towards self-destructive behavior rearing up in a different guise. Do you know if they're talking about this at all?

((hugs to all))


Me: BS, 40, Him: WS 41
Married: 15 years
3 children
D-Day: 10/2005

Posts: 1483 | Registered: Feb 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, October 3rd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whatnow, please be gentle with yourself. I know it seems like the A crap is staring you in the face 24/7. Heck at 7 months we were going through his "I'm screwed up about sex" issues and his retreat into porn and sexual aversion to me. I was sleeping on the couch and becoming a clean maniac. Every time he asked me to sit down, I'd tell him I had to work off my sexual frustration somehow... would he rather I went out and got myself a male prostitute or sat in a bar until 2 am when SOMEONE was guaranteed to take me home? Yeah, that was a nightly thing.

I was on SI probably 12/24 hours a day trying to make sense of the affairs, what he was thinking, what I was feeling, why I was still married to him.

You are changing the steps to the dance, and you are feeling better. Hooray!

Actually what I did was be "him". When he called and said he was leaving work early for dinner, I made a comment about "sure, leave work early for dinner with Saaalll." and something like "I'm not going to some fance restaurant, I'm probably going to just eat leftovers or starve because my H doesn't want me along with him to his fancy restaurant." It was kind of funny to hear him scrambling with what sounded like "me" responses "You can come" and "nobody said you had to stay home and eat leftovers, go out to dinner with DD. I'll leave you money."

LH... I know. It seems they have this way of making their lives muck and we're the ones that get stuck in it. What do you want? What would be your "ideal" solution, keeping in mind that he does have to fix the work thing too. Maybe his supv. doesn't have to reveal the depression, etc. but say family obligations. How about hiring yourself some help while he's gone... a high schooler for after school/dinner hour. I used to do that for a family when I was in HS... babysit while the mother tried to pull together dinner or just so she could go food shopping without schlepping all the kids along. Maybe a day of housecleaning from an agency?


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, October 3rd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy, its not so much the housework. Its just going back to THAT life again..when he lived and worked away from home..AND also the huge discomfort it would cost me.

H has been pacing around like a caged lion. He is snappy and highly strung,and the anxiety is streaming out of him in waves.

Brooke

is his tendency towards self-destructive behavior rearing up in a different guise. Do you know if they're talking about this at all?

Yes, in fact it was last week's topic. She said that he puts into place, or allows things to be put into place by non-acting, that ultimately gets him into trouble/negative outcome.

But whether they are going to be tackling this head on or not, I dont know. I stopped quizzing him about his IC cos their pace was driving me nuts. So I let it go. Now he talks when he wants to and I just listen. I have my own issues, and unfort we dont have a M where we can rely on each other for much these days.



Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
hurt789
♀ Member
Member # 20937
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, October 3rd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All,
Thanks for letting me know what you were also going through on the feelings about the OW. I feel the same. My WH asked me not to think about her because he doesnt...even though she was part of his life, for most of his life!! It scares me that he can just not think of her anymore after all the time they were togather. Or that is just what he is telling me. My mother and father have been divoriced for over 25 years, and my mother admits she still thinks about my father...That is hard to deal with, as my WH will have triggers too. He says I shouldnt have these feelings about hurting her cause he knows it would only make her happy. He has admitted she really hated me..I wonder if anyone has ever been truthful with me in my life!!

This sounded awesome...
Knowing that THIS time, you have the power to keep her in the M (with these thoughts), or let her slink back under her rock where she belongs, is very freeing.

I will be working on that.

Durning the A, about the last 6 or 7 years my WH became mean and withdrawn. If I would bring up their "friendship" or our family always having to do stuff with her family, he would just be mean, telling me I was being a bitch and that I never wanted to do anything..(i didnt want to do stuff with them due to my suspesions,,of course I got the deny, deny deny..) He now says it was all because he didnt want me to find out, that I felt like if he didnt shut me up by being mean (cause of course I would stop so we wouldnt fight) that his A could of been exposed and I would find out. I dont understand why he thought being mean would work (even though it did because I would shut up..) but that being nicer to me, doing special things for me would make me feel like it was just my jealousy of their friendship and nothing could be going on...Why do men think like that..or is it just mine. He doesnt want to talk about how he treated me. It makes him cry (duh!! it should) He says he just wants to make it up to me and our daughter, that he always loved us, but he didnt show us because of being worried about being caught. Of course the notion of stopping the affair never crossed his mind!!
I get confused on if he really loved me or if it was her, due to the fact of how he treated her then the way he treated me. He admits he was consumed by the affair, but not by her. He did love the excitment, but not her. He would tell her he did, but only to make her do what he wanted. I just dont know if that is true or not, maybe his feeling towards me during the A is really how he feels and how he treated her was really how he felt about her, and that he did love her. I have told him this, and he says I am wrong about it. That if he wanted to leave me, he could of at anytime, if he wanted her as a replacement for me, then he would of done it. Fuck!! my mind is going a mile a minute!! I wish I could understand this, I wish I could get into his head!!
Sorry this is long, just letting it out. No need to reply..

He just called, coming home early so we can go play golf (we use to all the time, but we stopped cause it would piss her off when he did stuff with me) we go every week now, and i actually have a wonderful time!!

I am going to ask him 2night to talk more about what I ranted on about above. How if I was the one he loves, why did her treat her like she was the one he loved.

I hope I dont hear that he loved both of us and couldnt leave either one..I know alot of women hear that...That may be the straw in my case. Even though I am ALMOST positive, cause sometimes you just never know, that NC is still valid, I get scared months or years down the road he will find out that he made a mistake and she is the one that he wants to be with...

WISH ME LUCK
Thanks again for just letting me get it out!



BS 40
WS 43
MARRIED 20
TOGATHER 22
1 PERFECT DAUGHTER
DDAY7/13/08
LTA - ALWAYS


Posts: 240 | Registered: Sep 2008
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, October 3rd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurt.
I wish I could understand this, I wish I could get into his head!!

Sigh.HOw many times have I uttered the same thing.

Now that I know what a f-ed up scary place that must be, I dont say that anymore.

Part of the reason why he was mean to you then, Hurt, was I suspect that he felt like crap for doing what he was doing and hid his shame behind his anger. Also, like he said, he didnt want you to upset his "perfect"world.

So how do you know he showed her his love? In what way?

Re. him realising years from now, that he made the wrong choice by staying with you...Sweetie, trust me: the day will come when you will be wondering whether YOU made the right choice in staying.
He is right: he could have left anytime he wanted to. And in fact, he could leave now when the going is really tough. But he has not. He has chosen to stay, to work this out with you, because he knows not only is this the right thing to do, it is BEST for him. So you just hold onto the belief that YOU are the best thing he has got going, and he is not going to let you go.

All the best with your chat tonight. Try not to make it too late, when you both are tired and grumpy. Also, try to keep to a time limit, so you both spend some time healing each other after. One last point: I know you head is just buzzing with questions....you wont get all the answers with one go, and you are definitely not going to like some of those answers. So pace yourself and him. It is going to take some time to get them all out, and I bet he is trying to figure some of them out himself.
So again, be kind and gentle to you.

(((hurt)))


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, October 3rd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH: I know it's not the housework per se. I meant to free you up to do something for YOU. I know the routine will be a huge trigger. I know what my H's going back to work, especially in sales where he was meeting with people alone did to me.

But I was watching the end of Dr. Phil (I know) yesterday and he was talking about stress. No matter what the cause of it being, that finding time for yourself, doing things YOU love, putting everyone and everything else aside, really does help.

I know I would be triggering and then furious because I was carrying the whole load again. Pick one. Trigger or load-carrying. Deal with one big thing at at time.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.