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User Topic: Long Term Affairs X I I I
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, October 6th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm reading along, just can't deal with my own situation, let alone offer any credible advise to anyone else.

Saw Fireproof this weekend. H said afterwards that he totally didn't think he would like it but that he thought it was a great movie. Then the next morning we were driving to the apple orchards to pick and he took my hand and squeezed it and said yeah, that was a good pick on the movie last night.

All great, right. Except I think that is where it will end. I don't think he even realizes how much it applied to us. DON"T READ IF YOU WANT TO SEE THE MOVIE. One moment hit me when the guy got rid of his computer and put roses in it's place and a note that said I love you more. I'm pretty sure my H doesn't love me more than the computer. And she called hm out on looking at porn on the computer and said that's who you are when no one is around, that's your character, that's what you resort back to. Did you erase the history so no one knows where you have been. That struck home too. My H doesn't look at it a lot, but enough to upset me when we have such a poor sex life.

And the main thing was how little effort I realize he put sin to this relationship. I told him at the get go he needed MC, STD testing ad get rid of her. So he did those three things and that was it. I have planned every date or night out that we have had. I complain about us not spending time together, he doesn't go out of his way to do that, he does it b/c he has to. I can't put that effort in anymore. It hurts too much to be the one who loves more.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, October 6th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am just feeling so "vulnerable" and "weak". And I just dont want any kind of change right not. I want to be on solid feet again, and I know I am not yet. So this just sucks. I am not ready to be in charge yet. I told him I need more time.

LH - I can completely understand how you are feeling right now. (And for the record, this sounds like a classic PTSD response, especially considering what you recently survived.) I can also see what Weepy is saying about your H sinking deeper into his depression if he finds himself without a job. It is certainly a dilemma and my heart goes out to you.
I am just getting to the point myself where I acknowledge that I must trust my H to be where he says he is and I am getting near the 3 year mark.
Everything about recovery is a challenge. Trust has been destroyed. Confusion about who the person we are married to overwhelms us at times. Their defensiveness feels like an attack when what we need is reassurance and a renewed commitment.
What really complicates things is that we are dealing with damaged men who lack the skills to help themselves let alone us.
I know I'm rambling and I wish I had some advice. I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and hoping you and your H can work through this together and find a solution that works for you both. (((LH)))
This weekend my H and I attended a marriage seminar. I hope I can communicate this so it makes sense but there was something in the message that, at least in my situation, hit home. The discussion focused on a woman's primary need to feel loved while a man's primary need is to feel respected. Basically, the message was that when a woman feels unloved she lashes out and the man feels disrespected and when he feels disrespected he lashes out by being unloving. This cycle gets replayed over and over and relationships suffer as a result.
This struck a chord with me because immmediately after d-day my H's initial answer to me when I asked him WHY was that I never respected him. And, no surprise, I can absolutely say that I never felt loved by him.
This was just the introductory lecture so I'll keep you posted but I thought a lot about all of us here struggling and how I can see that we each, to some degree, are caught up in this cycle. We, as BS's, feel very unloved. We are hurt, confused and devastated by what has been done to us. We lash out. We, or at least I, have said some horrendous things to my H as a result of the pain his LTA has caused me. He knows he has lost my respect and I believe he has lost respect for himself as well. We are struggling to break a vicious cycle and one of us needs to step out and take a risk. (Btw - it was a DVD that we were watching and although it was based on scripture, a lot of what he talks about was based on a study conducted in Washington State involving 2000 couples.)
The key point though is that both H and W have "good will" intentions and that there is no abuse taking place. So, assuming that each of us here is sincerely interested in R and assuming that our H's too are sincerely interested in R, and assuming that his premise is correct that a woman's basic need is to be loved and a man's basic need is to be respected, then if we give this approach a chance maybe we can finally see some real changes in our relationships.
I do think it will be a challenge for us to offer our H's respect now that we know what they are capable of, yet if we do see them making sincere efforts to change, if we do feel their remorse and regret, and if they have begged for our forgiveness then maybe taking that leap to offering our respect for these changes will have positive results. How can we hope to improve our R if we continue to look at them with contempt, disgust, anger, etc.? This is what I struggle with. I still feel so much anger and disgust at times when I look at my H and I know I make him feel small. Is it any surprise that he withdraws and retreats into a place where I cannot reach him? If I'm honest with myself, absolutely not. I am sure that my words have made him feel like the lowest of men and when they already lack self-respect how could they react otherwise? So, if what I am really looking for is to feel loved by my H and if I need him to behave in loving ways, then (following the premise offered) if I give my H the respect he craves by acknowledging these changes, by letting him know I appreciate how hard he is working toward R, and by apologizing for any disrespect I have shown in my angry outbursts, then maybe there is hope to break free of the cycle we have been on.
(I sure am rambling today it's just that I'm trying to make sense of last night's discussion and apply it so that I can break this damaging cycle.)
So, enough for now but I'll keep you posted if anyone is interested in the next few sessions.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 10:33 AM, October 6th (Monday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurt789
♀ Member
Member # 20937
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, October 6th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OKay- Did everyone else's WH's LTA start with EA? WH started with both OW through sex alone. That's what seems strange to me- No lovey dovey conversations to swoon the other person....just an offering of sex that never ended and then OW#2 became like a best friend really.

hi guys, I am a few days behind, but this caught my eye. From what I have been told by WH - It stated w/ flirting - we were all friends and would get togather everyweekend. He says it was things she would say to him when I and her H wasnt around. Then my WH kissed her one day while I was off working my 2nd job and her H was somewhere else in the house. It was just so long ago, I dont remember how close of friends even we were as couples, a few years later we both had kids and thats when I started to notice thier "friendship". I have been told now that they use to talk all the time. My WH would call her from work or from home during the day (she didnt work and my WH worked nights). He says it was all for just sex, but I will never belive him on that!! I know she thought it was love, because when I found out, she left her H and was waiting for my WH to come and get her. When he didnt, she went back home.


We had a little bit of a talk Sunday am on why he treated me the way he did. This had come up before, and I pretty much got the same reply. He was afraid of me finding out, he would yell at me to shut me up. He would get mad if I was asking to many questions cause he didnt want his fun to end if I found out. I asked his why he chose to me like that,,why not show me extra love and attention, then I would have never questioned anything. He said he didnt think of that. He also felt that no matter how he treated me, I would never leave him. But he was afraid that if he was too loving towards me, the OW would find out and she would leave. She was always pissed when my WH would take me out or buy me something. He said it was easier to just stop doing stuff with me, cause I would still be there and she wouldnt give him any grief. This happened alot, cause he admitted the two of them would rarly fight about anything. It was usually her bringing up leaving me and he would say no and leave. At least that is what I am being told. He admits now that he knows what he had with her wasnt real, it was just all a game, that he thought he was really good at. He doesnt want to, still, talk about the hurtful things he said to me in the past. I am going to make a journal of them and show him at some point. The worst he can do is get mad...so what!!

SO LOST -


It hurts too much to be the one who loves more.

I know exactly what you mean. I feel that way also. I feel like what should I be the one working so hard. I thought my WH just wasnt that kind of guy, but now I know he is because he did those things (effort, planning, gestures) with the OW. WTF!!



BS 40
WS 43
MARRIED 20
TOGATHER 22
1 PERFECT DAUGHTER
DDAY7/13/08
LTA - ALWAYS


Posts: 240 | Registered: Sep 2008
hurt789
♀ Member
Member # 20937
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, October 6th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH,

We actually had a great family night togather
Thats fantastic, Hurt. Those moments are just so much more precious and healing now, arent they?
I am glad that your family, but more so you, got to experience that,as it will provide you with fortitude (right word?? )when the rollercoaster takes a dip.

Thanks for this!
How are you doing today? Did you and your H get to talk more about his work schedule? I am sorry you are fighting about this. I wish I could be of more help. I hate it when my WH leaves for work every morning. If I could keep him locked up at home while I was working, I would. That is the hardest thing for me to deal with too. Let me know how you are doing.


BS 40
WS 43
MARRIED 20
TOGATHER 22
1 PERFECT DAUGHTER
DDAY7/13/08
LTA - ALWAYS


Posts: 240 | Registered: Sep 2008
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, October 6th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Folks I'm signing off for the day. Just came home from work feeling more achy than normal and I'm running a temp, so it's off to bed for me.

This is new. I would have valiently strived to make dinner, clean up something... well, they're lucky I brought in the mail. Have to work tomorrow since Im the only one in the office.

Hope everyone has something healing happen tonight.

Fnf: You're going to have to tell me more about this encounter and how the hell you ever got him to it.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
hurt789
♀ Member
Member # 20937
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, October 6th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fnf,
when a woman feels unloved she lashes out and the man feels disrespected and when he feels disrespected he lashes out by being unloving. This cycle gets replayed over and over and relationships suffer as a result.

That makes alot of sense. In my case, I believe that is why my WH A lasted, (she thought he was the most wonderful person in the world :respect:, and I was always sad or upset with him :unloved:), but not why it started. I would love to hear more from your next sessions!! Thanks


BS 40
WS 43
MARRIED 20
TOGATHER 22
1 PERFECT DAUGHTER
DDAY7/13/08
LTA - ALWAYS


Posts: 240 | Registered: Sep 2008
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, October 6th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fnf: You're going to have to tell me more about this encounter and how the hell you ever got him to it.

I'll will definitely keep you posted especially if I hear something useful. As far as how I got him there, I told him (what I thought he'd respond to) about the premise that men need to be respected in order to give love and I had little resistence because as I said, he always told me that he thought I never respected him and that was what he went looking for in the OW.
I did chuckle to myself though when the speaker said during his presentation that the adulterous OW knows this and gives the WS the empty flattery he seeks which then he in turn interprets as respect. The way he said it clearly suggested that she was very manipulative and played him for the fool he was to believe her flattery was actually a form of respect.
I was tempted to nudge him but instead nudged my sister who was next to me. I know my H heard this loud and clear and I know he realizes that the OW played him in this way.
I hope next week's lecture is as good as this week's was.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, October 6th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This struck a chord with me because immmediately after d-day my H's initial answer to me when I asked him WHY was that I never respected him. And, no surprise, I can absolutely say that I never felt loved by him.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, October 6th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This struck a chord with me because immmediately after d-day my H's initial answer to me when I asked him WHY was that I never respected him. And, no surprise, I can absolutely say that I never felt loved by him.

oops hit the wrong button!

FNF - I can't get into the details at this moment of the intense discussions we have been having but I know this was the case. I didn't feel loved as he had already moved on to fucking other women before we were married and I think (now) that I sensed a distance in him. He didn't feel respected because I was more successful than he was. I want to hear much, much more. Thank you for sharing.

How is your sister doing? Has she learned any more about her condition?

So, after my IC last week (the first one after I found my diaries from college and we discussed) I had an amazing realization. My H and I started our relationship under the same limerance and fantasy as all affairs. Yes, neither of us were married but we were safely ensconced in an Ivy League college with all room and meals provided. The social scene was easy. Everything was easy. This WAS the foundation of our "relationship". . Then we did a long distance thing were I was in NY doing the whole investment banking crazy working like a nut making tons of money thing and he was up in the middle of another country sort of working, sort of traveling and completely partying and and fucking other women. Soooooo, you can imagine when we reunited after this separation and got MARRIED that there might be some "stress". Well, just to complicate matters we didn't have to face it right away because we went to live overseas on a ridiculously lavish corporate deal that invovled little work and a lot of fun in paradise. So now YEARS later, we come back to the states and start trying to build a life together.

Except, we haven't ever lived together in reality, we are from "different sides of the tracks", he has already been fucking around so the treatment of me is not good and I am not putting up with it and telling him what a piece of shit he is. Hmmmmm, wonder what went wrong?

So, I have asked him to think about why he "liked" me in college, why he thought he might want to marry me, why he was wrong and what about me both he loves and what he hates. I plan on doing the same. I would give it a 50/50 chance that if we are completely honest with each other that we spent the better part of 25 years trying to make a college love affair work. The other 50% was that there was always something there that never had a chance to grow.

In addition, we have decided to look at this as honestly as possible WITHOUT thinking about the kids. AFTER, we decide what we think, then we decide the best course given that there are three wonderful girls involved. I want the relationship to be honest at the core. Either we can build something or we can't. After that, do we decide to stay together for the kids and end up in a friendly marriage.

Sorry for the long post. Have been reading and not posting as this has taken a lot of my mental and IRL time. I will keep all posted on our progress but I feel that this is progress. We are finally admitting that our great "love affair" began just the same as all other affairs.

[This message edited by hurtshirley at 6:39 PM, October 6th (Monday)]


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 5:44 AM, October 7th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The seminar sounds similar to the book I read that said men feel shame and women feel abandoned. Shame because they aren't the men they think they are, and act in a way that doesn't bring them the respect they need. I didn't respect him either. But this was DURING his affair period. I would give mouth-service to how hard he worked and wouldn't let any one else disparage him. And my theory on the OW is similar too. Even if she didn't "flatter" him with flowery phrases and what a wonderful person he was (which he says didn't happen) he still got the "I can't live without you, even if it's only for an hour a week" crap. Her letters would have had you believe he was some kind of God in bed. That's the flattery he got. None from me for sure because we weren't having sex!

See I still have the H who won't look at reality. Who has boxed this into "I cheated" and that's it. There's no nuance, no more "revelations". I mean the other day he didn't even acknowledge that I said something about DDay. Just ignored me. I picture him mentally putting his fingers in his ears and singing "lalalalala, I can't hear you."


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, October 7th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H and I started our relationship under the same limerance and fantasy as all affairs. Yes, neither of us were married but we were safely ensconced in an Ivy League college with all room and meals provided. The social scene was easy. Everything was easy. This WAS the foundation of our "relationship".

HS - I read your post and have been thinking about it and woke up this morning still thinking about it wondering how I wanted to respond.
I guess my first reaction is that I would think most of our relationships began this way. This is normal. (Well not necessarily the Ivy League piece )
I met my H and fell madly in love almost instantly. He is older than me and at the time we met I was dating guys (notice NOT men) my own age who were fun to be with but did not yet have the sophistication and experience that my H had. He took me to the best restaurants, ordered the finest wine, took me to plays, operas, concerts, showered me with gifts, spoke to me in a language that less experienced men hadn't yet learned, you get the idea. Needless to say, I was smitten big time. I was 20 years old when we met and was dating for fun - never allowing myself to get seriously involved and then my H came along and completely and totally swept me off my feet. I wasn't mature enough to see that no matter how exciting this relationship was it didn't necessarily mean that it would be successful considering the fact that we were so different in ways that were critical to a successful long-term relationship. I was just completely caught up in the thrill and excitement of it all.
I looked up the five stages of love and I think if you look at these stages, many of us could see where the growth in our relationship halted and why. Very briefly here is the list:
Attraction - both physical -no need for explanation there - and emotional - that feeling that you share common interests and goals. The next phase is the romance - and for the record this was the phase that my H excelled in lavishing me with attention and gifts like I had never known before. Third phase is the passion - well, I won't even go there because I know all of us have our stories. but WOW, that was an amazing period. Now here is where things can go off course because if the relationship doesn't grow beyond this phase into something more mature, more intimate then the relationship is doomed.
Intimacy is the fourth phase and I think this is where many of our H's were challenged due to their FOO issues. My H to this day has trouble sharing his deepest thoughts, feelings, fears, etc. and since d-day I am very persistent in forcing these from him. There is still resistence but I think (or hope) that it is getting easier for him. I have told him so many times over these last few years that if he had only come to me and shared with me his dissatifactions, his disappointments in our R, then maybe we could have worked on them together but instead he chose the coward's path because he feared letting me in to his inner self. I honestly don't believe he ever had that kind of depth with anyone in his entire life until now and maybe never would have if not for d-day and my decision to stay and work through this.
Commitment, the final stage, is the pledge to remain true through good and bad and the one that every one of our H's failed.
See to me it's not that our relationships started out in that unrealistic, fantasy world but that once the relationship was challenged our H's for whatever reason, FOO, immaturity, selfishness, or sexual addiction issues, were not interested in moving the relationship into that phase that would guarantee success. We were doomed and never understood how damaged our H's were until d-day.
I know what intimacy is in relationships. I have a twin and we know each other as well as we know ourselves. I come from a family where commitment to one's family and spouse is a value that is upheld with determination and pride. I was unprepared for someone to enter my life who didn't share these values. I didn't recognize this or ignored it.
I have made a commitment to my H to stay and work on our M but now I also demand the same commmitment from him. I want intimacy. I am not willing to stay in a M any longer without it.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, October 7th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's an interesting comment I found on-line that I think is the clue to why our M's failed to produce the kind of love and commitment from our damgaged S's. I think many of our S's came from families that failed to teach them the value of intimacy.
"Fear of intimacy involves the reluctance to open up and reveal your true self, perhaps because you've been hurt in the past. Or, if you grew up in an emotionally and socially closed environment and never learned how to be vulnerable to either friends or lovers, you may have a hard time opening up now. This is fear of intimacy."
My in-laws main focus from my observation over the years was success, success, success. The push was to work hard, achieve success, and, by my H's own admission, to do this regardless of who or what was sacrificed along the way. As my girls would say, "So sad.
ETA - Here's the link if anyone wants to read more:
"http://psychology.suite101.com/article.cfm/fear_of_intimacy

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 9:03 AM, October 7th (Tuesday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, October 7th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. Theres been so many interesting observations made, I am not even going to go through each one, as I would just end up pasting the whole page!

Fnf, that sounded like quite a talk. Is it going to be every week, and do you and H plan to have a feedback session for yourselves after?

***

I will keep all posted on our progress but I feel that this is progress

Yay Shirley and Mr Shirley!!!

***

(((Weepy))))
I hope you are looking after YOU. The rest of the family can handle themselves just fine.

***

I can't put that effort in anymore

(((SoLost))))

I hear you.
And now I want you to hear me.
No, you wont put that effort into your M. Its his turn now to woo and keep you.

What you WILL do, is put that effort into yourself.
And I am not talking about manicures and massages etc..although pampering ourselves does help.

I dont know what you need to do for you, because I am sure each person is different. For me, it was getting a job, about getting out in the real world, and realising that I do have worth outside of the bed and the kitchen. Its a work in progress admitedly, but like my IC reminded me last night, I am not the same person I was last year.

So your challenge is to find out what you need to do for you.

And part of your H's challenge, IMHO, is to find ways to make you feel what it is you need to feel (loved, sexy, wanted, worthy etc).

We are with you, SoLost.

***

Hi Hurt.
I am ok'ish. Ic helped me put some things in perspective last night.

I hate it when my WH leaves for work every morning.

Actually its not that he has to go out to work, but more so that he has to stay away from home. I know now what he got up to before in that hotel.
But much more than that, is that I have to start being mum and dad again to the kids, whilst he is off chilling in his hotel room. The stress of it, on top of working, is just too much to contemplate.
It is just not fair or right.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, October 7th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know we often talk about facing our fears, and then conquering them, or learning how to manage them effectively.

From my IC session last night, the reason I am reacting so strongly to this development with H's work, has to do with the many fears that it has raised.

I have managed without H for most of the M. Like my IC said, he has never really been there for me or the kids, he has never been a responsible H or F, let alone an active one...and I managed. No matter which continent he took us to, no matter how many kids or the state of my health, or having no support..I MANAGED.

After dday, my world collapsed. And I truly fell into zillions of little pieces.I have been working on putting Humpty Dumpty back together again ever since, and having H finally becoming a part of the family, and taking on duties and responsibilities that were rightfully his in the first place, had allowed me to focus on me.He has become an integral part of the family, and it is huge relief having him around since I started work.

BUT my fears I think now is that either, I will find that I cant manage without him anymore , OR, that I can.
And the implications then of either one.

Another fear, was that he could so easily agree to this new arrangement..and the possible implications that has: he doesnt really love us/me; he doesnt really want to be with us/me; he misses his old life and wants the best of both; that he is still the ultimate selfish bastard he always was.

Would any of you readily agree to leave your family for a few nights a week after nearly losing them?
I seriously doubt it.

He had promised me after dday#1 to look for a job closer to home. He kept delaying that, and then finally when work allowed him to start working from home,said that since he was hardly away anymore, that this was in fact an ideal arrangement for all of us. And it was.
But not anymore.

I told him I cant and wont tell him what to do. He has to make his own mind up and take responsibility for that decision. He is well aware of the consequences this will have on our family.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, October 7th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH, I think it makes perfect sense that you would react so strongly to this new job. IMO he should not even be considering it. Way too much put back on you and the circumstances are different now. And in your line of work, I imagine you sometimes get held over r have to stay a bit late. He needs to be able ot pick up that slack, you picked up enough slack for all these years.

And LH, i need to hank you. You always seem to know what to say to make things clearer for me. I am going to focus on me. For me, I think that is exercise and losing weight and feeling good about myself. Taking the time to invest in myself FOR myself. I pray he can woo me and do what he needs to do but I an no longer count on it. Once I get myself together and feeling better, then I will figure out where to go from there. This is for me. I have worked out the past two days and eaten better. already lost 2 lbs which is water weight I'm sure, but a good motivating start for me. Anyway, thanks for always listening to all of us. You have no idea what a difference it makes to know I am heard.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, October 7th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And LH, i need to hank you

Wha??
You want to hank me, Solost??

I dont know what to say...
Either:
"Errr, this is just so sudden. I didnt know you felt that way. "

OR
"Hank? You dont even know the meaning of hank!Bring it on sister!!!

Ok, I'll shaddup now.

SoLost, you are most welcome. Glad I could help.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
hurt789
♀ Member
Member # 20937
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, October 7th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi. If no one has been over to the General foum, there is a must see. Check out the "fuck you letter to the ow" post from RECOVERINGWIFE posted today

I wanted my WH to write this!


BS 40
WS 43
MARRIED 20
TOGATHER 22
1 PERFECT DAUGHTER
DDAY7/13/08
LTA - ALWAYS


Posts: 240 | Registered: Sep 2008
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, October 7th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ROFLMBO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I even hit spellcheck on that! lol


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, October 7th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No hanking allowed, ladies.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, October 7th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whatnow, I would either look for a new MC more versed into long term betrayal, or think about both going into IC for awhile.JIMHO

Thanks LH. I want to start IC sometime- no big hurry I guess and WH had session #2 of IC this week.

We had MC today and went into it wondering if we are wasting our time & money with this guy. He did the usual, "How was your week?" But amazingly- it always ends up bringing up an issue that we discuss. Today were sharing a conversation with MC that WH & I had last night about "how" WH could live with the guilt, manipulation, lies, etc. etc. day to day. It turned into MC bringing up how WH seemed (even in session) emotionally distant- body language too- his arms were crossed in front of him as I was weeping. WH admits he cannot fully put himself into my shoes to feel what I'm going through....and MC talked about how WH has learned to be emotionally distant as a survival mechanism. So....anyways, long story short- MC was productive today.


that EVERY single event/moment from before the M and during the whole M, is f-king tainted, and there is not a damn thing he can do to fix that

(((HUGS))) LH

Hope UKG can return to us soon.


SoLost- thanks for sharing your thoughts on Fireproof. Hopefully your WH can "get" more of the movie as he thinks about it.


FNF- Sounds like the seminar was insightful. I talked to WH about the ideas a little last night. I would be interested in hearing more about it as you go. Thanks

HS- That's great that you've been able to make some progress! Thanks for checking in- Good news is wonderful to hear.


I have told him so many times over these last few years that if he had only come to me and shared with me his dissatifactions, his disappointments in our R, then maybe we could have worked on them together but instead he chose the coward's path because he feared letting me in to his inner self

I'm struggling here a bit with this ^^^ I guess I have some guilt because I read all around SI "If only he would have told me about his issues with the M, I would have done something." Well, I knew WH was VERY dissatisfied with our sex life and I did nothing. I would think about it, and stress about not feeling comfortable enough to often have sex with him, would request that we become more affectionate in hopes that would make me feel better, etc. but I knew this was a HUGE problem..... I even told WH numerous times that I was concerned he would have an A based on the lack of sex and of course, he denied that stating it would be "stupid". HA. I know we've all failed our own M's to some degree....but I'm feeling like maybe my faulty piece is bigger here. I know it doesn't make it right that he had an A as he had other options than that...but I'm just feeling shitty that I knew the problems, and did nothing.


On a side note: WH & I were talking last night and he jokingly said how many of the problems in his life stem from his sex drive. I really wonder if his A was almost sex based- they just didn't seem to ever have that lovey dovey anything, even after 2 years- 1 living in our house. She didn't flatter him with compliments, she never initiated anything....As hard as it is from me to think he screwed up his life this badly for sex alone....i'm not sure what else he got out of it. control..he has mentioned control.


LH- Sounds like you were able to see the work problem from with a clearer view after IC. Still a very difficult situation to be in.


SL- WTG on working on YOU!


I wanted to share an update from WH's IC. He came home last night after his session and seemed to be the happiest man on the planet. He called on his way home, talked about the session some, walked in & started playing with the kids, picked up the baby and just held & played with him. his mood was just stunning. I was standing there with a total confused look on my face. I'm so happy he's going though because he's talking about some deep stuff already. AND, he's making an effort to work on things. For instance, all weekend I was tearful and instead of his usual defensive mode or leaving me be to suffer- he would come in, offer support, offer a hug...he stated his frustration in that he didn't know what to do but he made EFFORT. Last night after the kids went to bed we were talking about A stuff and he was open to talking. He said in MC today he had to really think about and analyze the reactions he was having to me wanting to talk...and he had to really make himself be open to it.

Anyways...sorry so long again- I read along but don't usually have the time to post as I would like. I'm just glad to hear that WH seems to be "getting it" and is making effort to look at himself and make changes.

[This message edited by Whatnow28 at 8:44 PM, October 7th (Tuesday)]


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


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