So when he calls me on the way home from work I tell him what's bothering me. How he prioritizes himself, his secrets, the whores, his GF, his phobias and then me, because I'll always be there at the end. Well, that isn't good enough for me now. He needs to put aside his "issues" and deal with me as an adult.
So he came home and I'm on the phone with a financial advisor from the firm that has my 401K. We don't make eye contact. When I finish he asks about dinner. I tell him that I was just going to make beanie weanies and he says "let me do it." I told him that would be great. He finally looked at me and blew me a kiss from across the kitchen and I told him that wasn't going to do it. And he came across and hugged me and held me, kissed my neck. Really wrapped himself around me. No, the guy can't SAY anything, can't explain anything, but give him something to do... HIs hug didn't fix anything, what's going to be key here is to see if he puts aside his germ issues now. IC says he's going to need to be told what to do and how to act, I or someone is going to have to teach him about empathy and consideration. Do I have the patience for that?
And I wonder too, what is his default?
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
Then my f-ed GP called as he has been told that I have launched an investigation against him, and wanted to know what my problem was, and why didnt I talk to him first and a host of questions, trying to catch me out. I put the phone down, shaking and trying hard not break down.
So got the birthday cake in the oven, all the shoppings been done re DD's birthday.
Celebration start tomorrow with her favourite breakfast (waffles), then taking her and her sibs and nephew to an indoor play area and then out for lunch, then sat night, we will have the family over for supper and then on Sunday, as other DD is going to her friend's bday party, I will take this DD out for high tea and some retail therapy(she is a born shopper!!). It was going to be just her and me, but after reading what BT said, I have decided to invite H as well. .
I even got her her very own bouquet of flowers. She always nicking off mine.
Thanks for the tips, guys. I also spoke to DD and DS about treating birthday DD a little better and being more supportive.
have a lot of catching up to do. I wonder if my H will cooperate.
IC says he's going to need to be told what to do and how to act, I or someone is going to have to teach him about empathy and consideration. Do I have the patience for that
I think you do, Weepy. The question is rather, is he willing to learn?
Glad to have you back.
Bt - this is exactly why we miss you when you're away. You are our beacon of hope.
You know what? I don't think he knows how to do any better
You are probably right.And this would be true for most of our spouses. It was for mine.
I need more. I need him to make an effort. I need him to be the one to make plans for us, for him to be the one wanting time alone. But to ask for it yet again would be above what I am willing to do. And yet he seems oblivious to it.
I dont see anything wrong in asking for what you want, SoL. I used to. I thought my H should know by now what I need and when. But it was the wiser ones here, who told me that he needed to be taught (if he was willing). That I had to show him how to meet my needs, cos he really was clueless. And at first that stung, cos I knew how to meet his.. Hadnt I spent the whole M just doing that? So why didnt he know me by after all these years?
Once I got over that,and spoke to H, he himself told me, that he often just didnt know what to do; that if I told and showed him, that he would get better with time.
And so I did. And then he did too.
I also realised that the things that I thought were important to him, were not, so I didnt really know him as well as I did.
For eg. I have spent much time and effort cooking and cleaning these years,learning gourmet recipes etc. but he told me then that wasnt really important. He didnt mind having the same menu every week, it didnt bother him if the house was untidy, and he didnt care whether my legs were shaved or not.
After I picked up my jaw from the floor, I realised what a huge burden was off my shoulders.His needs were sex and being "desired"; feeling like there are things that only he can do and which we need him for; and being respected.
Your dday is coming up, SoL. How would you prefer to spend it? What do you need in this time? Speak to your H about it. He might just surprise you by being a quick learner.
Birthday wishes for your DD, LostH. Her Bday celebration sounds great... An all wkend event should be fun, despite her friends not being available.
Weepy, the 'beanie weanies' episode makes me think he's trying. Just hope he keeps it up. He put aside the germy issue and hugged you. Baby steps...
BBL... being summoned.
That he's never going to "get" it without empathy
I know everyone is different- but the IC's telling us BS's to leave is a little scary. My WH is lacking empathy- Looking back, I can see how certain situation that he would give an asshole reaction to....is really his reaction- it seemed so bizarre to me at the time but was summed up to him being an asshole at the moment, not lacking empathy and truly not understanding it. I'm scared. i'm 28, I have 2 small children...I have no idea what to do and there is no easy answer.
WH & I are at a strange place right now. There's a distance between us and it's been hurting me. My mood has been depressed- I could sit & think off in space for hours. I sit down with WH, can't talk about the A because it's too painful right now, can't read an A book because that's too hard, don't have the motivation to get much done (although I hope to go a little crazy on my house this weekend)...I think the difference is usually I can get out of the mood- with his help or if he's in a good space...and the difference is that he's in a poor place too. he feels semi depressed, overwhelmed, stressed. I've been craving the closeness of "making love" and if anything we can't really get close enough to barely touch right now. I don't know- it's just wierd. This weekend won't be much of a help because he will be working a lot so no quiet evening time for us.
We were sitting last night, WH was making a very good effort to give some time for us because he will be working this weekend. I started telling him my thoughts about how I feel hurt that sports are always given the priority. For instance, he's complained the past 2 days about being tired because he's been watching the Red Sox until late late at night. The evenings that he gives me time is when they're not playing. If I asked him some night they are playing to talk and shut off the game- he would, but wouldn't be happy about it. I was just telling him that it hurts, saying that I want him to have time to watch sports (within limits) but when I feel #2, or 3, or 4 to whatever else, it hurts. Well, he couldn't hear any of that without getting defensive. The conversation turned sour eventually because I feel that he couldn't keep it constructive. He had sent me a cute little text earlier in the day- he never does that so I got excited when I received it and then realized he had sent it because he had forgotten to call me back earlier in the day so he was "making up' for his mistake. He gave me a card last week- 2 days after I wrote him a random "I am thankful for ...." letter. He gave the card to make the field even. I expressed last night that I want him to do things randomly. The text & card were lovely, but had a negative attached since it was only because he felt that he "had to" do those things.
It's just not normal for these guys to be this way is it? It feels so wrong to me. I explained/reminded him of the little affectionate things I try to do for him, and how I perceive that it makes "us" feel closer & better....but it's too much for him to do those things. He uses every excuse in the book- "I don't know what to do for little things, it's not who I am, I don't have the time, I dont know what you want me to do, I'm not creative, it costs money, blah blah blah. I give examples....then we'll have this conversation again in 3 months after nothing has changed. Does he love me? Why is it so hard?
Anyways...sorry for the extensive post. I was sobbing horribly in the kitchen after our conversation & had given up since we've been here done this conversation previously.... He actually got emotional & then shut it right off of course by getting ready for bed. (he just can't let himself feel those emotions) He was able to open up when we layed down & told me he feels so overwhelmed & stressed. He "fears" taking care of the kids Mon & Fri because he gets so angry & frustrated. He no longer has any patience at work and doesn't like his job, he can't get shit done around the house, stresses about money. He's not sure what it is or how to change it. He told me he realizes he is always defensive about everything and he doesn't know why or how to stop it. I'm not sure if this is from the start of IC, de-fogging, or what is bring up all this mess for him. I encouraged him to figure out how I can help and let me know. I'd be willing to take th kids out for a while so he can have quiet time, encouraged him to get out with a friend or something. Maybe I should give him some time and not push much right now.?
Interesting...he's struggling but seems to be trying.
(sorry for the long post, I got started & couldn't stop. I've always been long winded, LOL)
[This message edited by Whatnow28 at 2:43 PM, October 10th (Friday)]
D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA
"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".
LH, oh, it sound like you are really going all out and making a lovely day for your dd. She will be as pleased as can be!!! Hope it's a wonderful day!!
LH< I really sat and read your post more than once. The thing is, I eel like I have just sucked it up adn made those request. I need you to spend time with me, I ant you to plan a date and asked me out, I want us to spend more time together after the kids are in bed. And some of it happens. But it all just flitters away after a bit. He does spend some obligatory time with me after kids are in bed, but that's what it feels lik. I have told him that and he says it's not. I have told him over and over that I need him to initiate sex, that I have done it th emost since dday and my ego is just so bruised and hurt that I cannot do it naymore. He still doesn't.
SO I feel like I am at the point where I have flat out told him what I need and he still can't seem to do that. I imagine if I told him again he woudl try, but boy does it sting. It's so hurtful. He did all this crap and now I have to bend over backwards to get things on track? He has done very little...although he woudl argue that point. Says he has changed so much. Gone to IC, MC, made time for us. Come home from work on time. Stuff real husbands do. I'm not all that impressed anymore.
My big fear is that it has been a year. What if this is it? Wha if he can't give anymore? If I could wipe out the memory of the affair, get rid of it all, never to think of it again. If I coudl do that, Iwoudl say we ave a pretty good marriage. He holds my hand and hugs me and we talk about stuff (life stuff). We eat lunch together and go tot he book store together and sit and read next to each other in the store(too cheap to buy the books). We do lots of stuff together with the kids. He comes to school functions. But then that damn affair stuff creeps in and I need more. I need to be woo'd back and he doesn't seem to hear me when I have said that.
As far as dday. I have zero thought son this. I have no idea. I suspect I will cry th ewhoel day bu I could surprise myself. I have planned no work, no appointments, no nothing. He is also off all day. I doubt he will remember although I recently told him the date. Any ideas?
One thought is our rings. We got new ones, but they feel like nothing. We said no vows with them. He suggested renewing for our anniversary but never got it together. So he just gave up. Typical. I suggested just doing it the two of us, saying it just to each other. Never happened. Not sure I want to combine that with dday though.
I hate that it is slow here on the weekends. I get no computer time during the week but often on the weekends. Such a bummer!
Had to go to the ER last night with H. He was rear-ended on his way home from work and with his prior neck issues, he thought it would be a good idea to document that he got checked out. Diagnosis whiplash, which he knew. Not too bad, but since he wont' take medicine, he's just going to whine and groan all day. If I don't cater to him, I'll be the "bad wife" I guess.
He thinks I'm doing my medical transcription right now.
SL- I'll be here a bunch this weekend- WH has to work today 4pm- tomorrow 8am. Tomorrow we're driving to visit family for most of the day. No plans for monday, which I have off.
You would be surprised to find out that practically ALL of our WS's thought their A was different. My H still thinks that. Heck, he didn't even call what he did an "affair".
Can you steer her here? I know mine wouldn't, but if you put it as free contact with people who don't know her but understand what she's going to be going through for the next long time, a place she can vent and ask questions and meet people who do understand her?
I am sorry to hear of your false R- I can't imagine how difficult that would be.
I agree with Weepy. It would be wonderful if she would come here, in Wayward where she could see that her feelings are normal and part of this process. The A is such a "fantasy" that it's hard to see otherwise until de-fogged which can take a long time.
[This message edited by Whatnow28 at 7:15 PM, October 11th (Saturday)]
That'sa tough one. I think I might put the couple ones away for a while. I guess it depends how you feel when you look at them.
I am just really feeling lost lately. I think it is dday coming up and feeling like a whole year has gone by and I don't feel all that differently. i guess I do. Reading past journal entries, that raw unnerving feelings are not quite there. But I still feel so unsettled, so unsure of what is next. I think H is just in for the riding, assuming if he says nothing, things will atleast stay as they are now. i think he is terrified I will leave.
Weepy, I swear we are living with the same guy. The only difference is my dh (yes, dickhead) is falling all over himself to "make nice". He tells me such garbage as he needs me, wants me, loves me, blah, blah, blah.
I know I don't post much as I really don't think I have anything to contribute. I am still in such a dark place after 4 years, 6 months, 1 week and 2 days
So does it ever get better? Or just different? Does a day ever go by that i won't have to think about her and about what he did with her? Or wonder if he is thinking about her?
We went to the dog park today with the dog and the kids. They had a blast. The two kids and the dog were running up ahead and H took my hand. Seemed like a lovely normal family, you know? But I can't seem to just enjoy that fully yet. Anyway, I told him "I really do love you." He smiled and said he really did love me to. But I said it with sadness. Almost "I really do love you but I am not so sure I am going to get over this affair and be able to stay with you for the long term". He doesn't ever read any of that. Even when we had the huge fight recently and I told him it was over. The next day he was shocked to hear I had been talking about the marriage. he assumed I meant to fight. He probably did not apply any of Fireproof to our relationship, just thought it was a good movie. He also feels like he does a ton of work on this relationship and I feel like he does squat,
Sometimes I feel like it can never be normal again. i can never walk and hold my husband's hand and just enjoy it. I will always wonder if he held her hand like that. And I don't know if I want that for my future.
I am curious, what do you expect out of the relationship? I ask myself the same thing, I honestly have no clue. I want to feel special, unique, the one and oney. Sadly, no matter what they do in the future, they can't make us feel any different than we do now. Usless, ineffective, unattractive and a waste of flesh (that is the way I feel anyway).
I don't mean to be a downer, but I can't seem to pick myself up. I don't have a support system, I have no friends and I'm totally isolated
If I could wipe out the memory of the affair, get rid of it all, never to think of it again. If I coudl do that, Iwoudl say we ave a pretty good marriage.