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User Topic: Long Term Affairs X I I I
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 5:24 AM, October 10th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Morning. Had a tough session with IC last night. She told me again to leave him. That he's never going to "get" it without empathy. I told her that he has the engage mouth without engaging brain issue. He says things and then immediately realizes he shouldn't have, but because he can't face being wrong, then he defends what he says even though he knows it was wrong.

So when he calls me on the way home from work I tell him what's bothering me. How he prioritizes himself, his secrets, the whores, his GF, his phobias and then me, because I'll always be there at the end. Well, that isn't good enough for me now. He needs to put aside his "issues" and deal with me as an adult.

So he came home and I'm on the phone with a financial advisor from the firm that has my 401K. We don't make eye contact. When I finish he asks about dinner. I tell him that I was just going to make beanie weanies and he says "let me do it." I told him that would be great. He finally looked at me and blew me a kiss from across the kitchen and I told him that wasn't going to do it. And he came across and hugged me and held me, kissed my neck. Really wrapped himself around me. No, the guy can't SAY anything, can't explain anything, but give him something to do... HIs hug didn't fix anything, what's going to be key here is to see if he puts aside his germ issues now. IC says he's going to need to be told what to do and how to act, I or someone is going to have to teach him about empathy and consideration. Do I have the patience for that?

And I wonder too, what is his default?


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, October 10th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its been a crazy day.
First off, was told by the Lollipop Man that a paedophile was caught in our park last night.Our house overlooks the park. We go there often, and I see many kids there unattended. I spoke to the head teacher, who does not know of this incident and actually didnt seem concerned, as she said that if it was important, she would have been informed.
So I just got off the phone with the local cops, who will only confirm that a man was caught, so no need to worry. Right. After I chewed his head off, he said his sergeant will contact me with more info, that our schools will be informed (if necessary) and that I should not create alarm.
Jeez.

Then my f-ed GP called as he has been told that I have launched an investigation against him, and wanted to know what my problem was, and why didnt I talk to him first and a host of questions, trying to catch me out. I put the phone down, shaking and trying hard not break down.

So got the birthday cake in the oven, all the shoppings been done re DD's birthday.
Celebration start tomorrow with her favourite breakfast (waffles), then taking her and her sibs and nephew to an indoor play area and then out for lunch, then sat night, we will have the family over for supper and then on Sunday, as other DD is going to her friend's bday party, I will take this DD out for high tea and some retail therapy(she is a born shopper!!). It was going to be just her and me, but after reading what BT said, I have decided to invite H as well. .
I even got her her very own bouquet of flowers. She always nicking off mine.

Thanks for the tips, guys. I also spoke to DD and DS about treating birthday DD a little better and being more supportive.

***

have a lot of catching up to do. I wonder if my H will cooperate.

I wonder if you could stop him, Fnf!!!

***

(((Weepy)))

IC says he's going to need to be told what to do and how to act, I or someone is going to have to teach him about empathy and consideration. Do I have the patience for that

I think you do, Weepy. The question is rather, is he willing to learn?

***

Hi Ukg!!!
Glad to have you back.

***

Bt - this is exactly why we miss you when you're away. You are our beacon of hope.

Hear hear!!!


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, October 10th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoLost
You know what? I don't think he knows how to do any better

You are probably right.And this would be true for most of our spouses. It was for mine.

I need more. I need him to make an effort. I need him to be the one to make plans for us, for him to be the one wanting time alone. But to ask for it yet again would be above what I am willing to do. And yet he seems oblivious to it.

I dont see anything wrong in asking for what you want, SoL. I used to. I thought my H should know by now what I need and when. But it was the wiser ones here, who told me that he needed to be taught (if he was willing). That I had to show him how to meet my needs, cos he really was clueless. And at first that stung, cos I knew how to meet his.. Hadnt I spent the whole M just doing that? So why didnt he know me by after all these years?

Once I got over that,and spoke to H, he himself told me, that he often just didnt know what to do; that if I told and showed him, that he would get better with time.
And so I did. And then he did too.
I also realised that the things that I thought were important to him, were not, so I didnt really know him as well as I did.
For eg. I have spent much time and effort cooking and cleaning these years,learning gourmet recipes etc. but he told me then that wasnt really important. He didnt mind having the same menu every week, it didnt bother him if the house was untidy, and he didnt care whether my legs were shaved or not.

After I picked up my jaw from the floor, I realised what a huge burden was off my shoulders.His needs were sex and being "desired"; feeling like there are things that only he can do and which we need him for; and being respected.
Mmmm...

Your dday is coming up, SoL. How would you prefer to spend it? What do you need in this time? Speak to your H about it. He might just surprise you by being a quick learner.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, October 10th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad to see you back UKGirl and BT.

Birthday wishes for your DD, LostH. Her Bday celebration sounds great... An all wkend event should be fun, despite her friends not being available.

Weepy, the 'beanie weanies' episode makes me think he's trying. Just hope he keeps it up. He put aside the germy issue and hugged you. Baby steps...

BBL... being summoned.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, October 10th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That he's never going to "get" it without empathy

I know everyone is different- but the IC's telling us BS's to leave is a little scary. My WH is lacking empathy- Looking back, I can see how certain situation that he would give an asshole reaction to....is really his reaction- it seemed so bizarre to me at the time but was summed up to him being an asshole at the moment, not lacking empathy and truly not understanding it. I'm scared. i'm 28, I have 2 small children...I have no idea what to do and there is no easy answer.


WH & I are at a strange place right now. There's a distance between us and it's been hurting me. My mood has been depressed- I could sit & think off in space for hours. I sit down with WH, can't talk about the A because it's too painful right now, can't read an A book because that's too hard, don't have the motivation to get much done (although I hope to go a little crazy on my house this weekend)...I think the difference is usually I can get out of the mood- with his help or if he's in a good space...and the difference is that he's in a poor place too. he feels semi depressed, overwhelmed, stressed. I've been craving the closeness of "making love" and if anything we can't really get close enough to barely touch right now. I don't know- it's just wierd. This weekend won't be much of a help because he will be working a lot so no quiet evening time for us.

We were sitting last night, WH was making a very good effort to give some time for us because he will be working this weekend. I started telling him my thoughts about how I feel hurt that sports are always given the priority. For instance, he's complained the past 2 days about being tired because he's been watching the Red Sox until late late at night. The evenings that he gives me time is when they're not playing. If I asked him some night they are playing to talk and shut off the game- he would, but wouldn't be happy about it. I was just telling him that it hurts, saying that I want him to have time to watch sports (within limits) but when I feel #2, or 3, or 4 to whatever else, it hurts. Well, he couldn't hear any of that without getting defensive. The conversation turned sour eventually because I feel that he couldn't keep it constructive. He had sent me a cute little text earlier in the day- he never does that so I got excited when I received it and then realized he had sent it because he had forgotten to call me back earlier in the day so he was "making up' for his mistake. He gave me a card last week- 2 days after I wrote him a random "I am thankful for ...." letter. He gave the card to make the field even. I expressed last night that I want him to do things randomly. The text & card were lovely, but had a negative attached since it was only because he felt that he "had to" do those things.

It's just not normal for these guys to be this way is it? It feels so wrong to me. I explained/reminded him of the little affectionate things I try to do for him, and how I perceive that it makes "us" feel closer & better....but it's too much for him to do those things. He uses every excuse in the book- "I don't know what to do for little things, it's not who I am, I don't have the time, I dont know what you want me to do, I'm not creative, it costs money, blah blah blah. I give examples....then we'll have this conversation again in 3 months after nothing has changed. Does he love me? Why is it so hard?

Anyways...sorry for the extensive post. I was sobbing horribly in the kitchen after our conversation & had given up since we've been here done this conversation previously.... He actually got emotional & then shut it right off of course by getting ready for bed. (he just can't let himself feel those emotions) He was able to open up when we layed down & told me he feels so overwhelmed & stressed. He "fears" taking care of the kids Mon & Fri because he gets so angry & frustrated. He no longer has any patience at work and doesn't like his job, he can't get shit done around the house, stresses about money. He's not sure what it is or how to change it. He told me he realizes he is always defensive about everything and he doesn't know why or how to stop it. I'm not sure if this is from the start of IC, de-fogging, or what is bring up all this mess for him. I encouraged him to figure out how I can help and let me know. I'd be willing to take th kids out for a while so he can have quiet time, encouraged him to get out with a friend or something. Maybe I should give him some time and not push much right now.?

Interesting...he's struggling but seems to be trying.


(sorry for the long post, I got started & couldn't stop. I've always been long winded, LOL)

[This message edited by Whatnow28 at 2:43 PM, October 10th (Friday)]


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, October 10th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WN, he really does seem to be trying, he just is so unsure of how to do that. Like the text and card. He needed those things to give him something to do. Mine comes up with the same excuses. I have changed so much, you know that's not who I am. Umm, yeah, and I wasn't so impressed with the who you were back then so you may want to rethink that plan. They don't get it.

LH, oh, it sound like you are really going all out and making a lovely day for your dd. She will be as pleased as can be!!! Hope it's a wonderful day!!

LH< I really sat and read your post more than once. The thing is, I eel like I have just sucked it up adn made those request. I need you to spend time with me, I ant you to plan a date and asked me out, I want us to spend more time together after the kids are in bed. And some of it happens. But it all just flitters away after a bit. He does spend some obligatory time with me after kids are in bed, but that's what it feels lik. I have told him that and he says it's not. I have told him over and over that I need him to initiate sex, that I have done it th emost since dday and my ego is just so bruised and hurt that I cannot do it naymore. He still doesn't.

SO I feel like I am at the point where I have flat out told him what I need and he still can't seem to do that. I imagine if I told him again he woudl try, but boy does it sting. It's so hurtful. He did all this crap and now I have to bend over backwards to get things on track? He has done very little...although he woudl argue that point. Says he has changed so much. Gone to IC, MC, made time for us. Come home from work on time. Stuff real husbands do. I'm not all that impressed anymore.

My big fear is that it has been a year. What if this is it? Wha if he can't give anymore? If I could wipe out the memory of the affair, get rid of it all, never to think of it again. If I coudl do that, Iwoudl say we ave a pretty good marriage. He holds my hand and hugs me and we talk about stuff (life stuff). We eat lunch together and go tot he book store together and sit and read next to each other in the store(too cheap to buy the books). We do lots of stuff together with the kids. He comes to school functions. But then that damn affair stuff creeps in and I need more. I need to be woo'd back and he doesn't seem to hear me when I have said that.

As far as dday. I have zero thought son this. I have no idea. I suspect I will cry th ewhoel day bu I could surprise myself. I have planned no work, no appointments, no nothing. He is also off all day. I doubt he will remember although I recently told him the date. Any ideas?

One thought is our rings. We got new ones, but they feel like nothing. We said no vows with them. He suggested renewing for our anniversary but never got it together. So he just gave up. Typical. I suggested just doing it the two of us, saying it just to each other. Never happened. Not sure I want to combine that with dday though.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, October 10th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H doctor just called. He was the first and only person I talked about the affair with for a long time. One friend couple knows but we never talk about it. Anyway, he is so sweet. Asked me how I was an talked about how he has a long way to go. Told me how lucky H is that i didn't leave along time ago. How he knows it has been almost a year. Why can't my H understand and say those things?????

I hate that it is slow here on the weekends. I get no computer time during the week but often on the weekends. Such a bummer!


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, October 11th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll be here briefly this morning SOlost.

Had to go to the ER last night with H. He was rear-ended on his way home from work and with his prior neck issues, he thought it would be a good idea to document that he got checked out. Diagnosis whiplash, which he knew. Not too bad, but since he wont' take medicine, he's just going to whine and groan all day. If I don't cater to him, I'll be the "bad wife" I guess.

He thinks I'm doing my medical transcription right now.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, October 11th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy- Glad your H is okay! Good idea to have it documented, for sure.


SL- I'll be here a bunch this weekend- WH has to work today 4pm- tomorrow 8am. Tomorrow we're driving to visit family for most of the day. No plans for monday, which I have off.


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
mightnotmakeit
♂ New Member
Member # 20059
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, October 11th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all, I don't know if I should post here but I don't know where else to go. My WW has had an A for now 2 years. I knew of it about 17 months ago. I thought it had stopped. My WW gave false R for about 12 months. I found out in May that it was still going on. Now I find out that the last 5 months she was still in A. Just a few weeks ago the other M's wife found out. My WW is coming out of the fog, but I am finding out that it was a very emotional A. They bascially did everything together. She took business trips, he went. She tells me her A is like on others. She believes no one here on SI has had the kind of affair she's had. I am trying my best to understand. She said she knows she needs to see an IC, but she thinks she can never be happy again. I'm trying to hankg in there for our kids.
I guess I'm just trying to find out if anyone else here has had the same type of deep emotional A, and if so what kind of advice do you offer.

Posts: 11 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Fla.
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, October 11th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mightnot, Of course you're welcome here. It's unusually quiet here this weekend.

You would be surprised to find out that practically ALL of our WS's thought their A was different. My H still thinks that. Heck, he didn't even call what he did an "affair".

Can you steer her here? I know mine wouldn't, but if you put it as free contact with people who don't know her but understand what she's going to be going through for the next long time, a place she can vent and ask questions and meet people who do understand her?


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, October 11th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mightnot- welcome. I hope you've read up some in the healing library- the articles there are a wealth of information.

I am sorry to hear of your false R- I can't imagine how difficult that would be.

I agree with Weepy. It would be wonderful if she would come here, in Wayward where she could see that her feelings are normal and part of this process. The A is such a "fantasy" that it's hard to see otherwise until de-fogged which can take a long time.

((HUGS)))


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, October 11th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope everyone is enjoying their weekend. I'm sitting here debating something.... WH has given me numerous boyds bears that show a husband & wife bear that's supposed to be us- We have the bears getting married (it was our cake topper actually), the bears cuddled up on a swing, the bears bringing a baby home, and the bears cuddling while sitting on a log over a stream. I have other non-couple ones too. Anyways...since D-day I haven't really noticed them and then the other day I saw the one we put on our bureau and covered it up because the thought of it was sad- He had given these gifts as if we were this sweet happy couple who would live happily ever after, all the while fucking OW#1 & 2. So....the debate I'm having is putting them all away, or putting ALL the ones with the couple on our bureau as a hopeful thought. I know which would I should aim for....but I'm not sure I *can* look at them positively.

Hhhhmmmm.....

[This message edited by Whatnow28 at 7:15 PM, October 11th (Saturday)]


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, October 11th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the support, I ended up having to work today. H is working all weekend as usual.

That'sa tough one. I think I might put the couple ones away for a while. I guess it depends how you feel when you look at them.

I am just really feeling lost lately. I think it is dday coming up and feeling like a whole year has gone by and I don't feel all that differently. i guess I do. Reading past journal entries, that raw unnerving feelings are not quite there. But I still feel so unsettled, so unsure of what is next. I think H is just in for the riding, assuming if he says nothing, things will atleast stay as they are now. i think he is terrified I will leave.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
mightnotmakeit
♂ New Member
Member # 20059
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, October 12th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the support. My WW does read the fourms from time to time. She has not registered as of yet. Are there any books that deal with LTA's. My WW is going through a very very hard time. She say's she really needs help. She misses OM very badly. I am trying to keep my feelings secondary. It is hard to do but I have to be strong her her and my family. She say's she has no hope and that I carry the hope for both of us. I know this is going to be a very long process.

Posts: 11 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Fla.
Going To Make It
♀ Member
Member # 17010
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, October 12th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NGTMI, Welcome! You are going to make it. It hurts me so much to know exactly what you are going through. It is total bullshit in my opinion. She has no right to "pine" away for the OM, if she wants you, then she needs to pull her big girl panties up pretty soon or some other woman will make sure you are loved and cared for. Again, JMHO

Weepy, I swear we are living with the same guy. The only difference is my dh (yes, dickhead) is falling all over himself to "make nice". He tells me such garbage as he needs me, wants me, loves me, blah, blah, blah.

I know I don't post much as I really don't think I have anything to contribute. I am still in such a dark place after 4 years, 6 months, 1 week and 2 days


BW 47
M 1982 4 Adult Children
2 Grandkids - the light & loves of my life.
LTA Started before we were married and lsted until 9/02 DDay 4/4/04, TT till 9/24/2011

Posts: 948 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Still Wandering in the Desert
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, October 12th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, mightnotmakeit, I am really sorry to welcome you. I cannot imagine having to be the one to hold all the hope. I have left that job completely to my Wh. Does she want to R? I know our counselor recommended After the Affair but I know others will have many suggestions for good books.

So does it ever get better? Or just different? Does a day ever go by that i won't have to think about her and about what he did with her? Or wonder if he is thinking about her?

We went to the dog park today with the dog and the kids. They had a blast. The two kids and the dog were running up ahead and H took my hand. Seemed like a lovely normal family, you know? But I can't seem to just enjoy that fully yet. Anyway, I told him "I really do love you." He smiled and said he really did love me to. But I said it with sadness. Almost "I really do love you but I am not so sure I am going to get over this affair and be able to stay with you for the long term". He doesn't ever read any of that. Even when we had the huge fight recently and I told him it was over. The next day he was shocked to hear I had been talking about the marriage. he assumed I meant to fight. He probably did not apply any of Fireproof to our relationship, just thought it was a good movie. He also feels like he does a ton of work on this relationship and I feel like he does squat,

Sometimes I feel like it can never be normal again. i can never walk and hold my husband's hand and just enjoy it. I will always wonder if he held her hand like that. And I don't know if I want that for my future.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
mightnotmakeit
♂ New Member
Member # 20059
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, October 12th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Going to make it, yes I know I am going to make it one way or another. I really don't like my sign in name. Maybe one day they'll let me change it. My WW is so down on herself now. I guess it's part of the de-fogging. I don't think she can see past tomorrow. Definately a rollercoaster ride. We just say to one another "one hour at a time".

Posts: 11 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Fla.
Going To Make It
♀ Member
Member # 17010
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, October 12th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MNMI (pm any time, if you feel comfortable)...why do you feel so bad for her? She made her bed, she betrayed you. She threw you away for a time and her pining now is so hurtful. I watched dh for years and years pining over "why" the ex didn't love him when it was so clear that I did. Now, after so long, he has come to his senses, it might be to little to late.

I am curious, what do you expect out of the relationship? I ask myself the same thing, I honestly have no clue. I want to feel special, unique, the one and oney. Sadly, no matter what they do in the future, they can't make us feel any different than we do now. Usless, ineffective, unattractive and a waste of flesh (that is the way I feel anyway).

I don't mean to be a downer, but I can't seem to pick myself up. I don't have a support system, I have no friends and I'm totally isolated


BW 47
M 1982 4 Adult Children
2 Grandkids - the light & loves of my life.
LTA Started before we were married and lsted until 9/02 DDay 4/4/04, TT till 9/24/2011

Posts: 948 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Still Wandering in the Desert
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, October 13th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WN - I read your post and it really does seem that your H is sincerely trying. I do think our H's can be so clueless even with the most detailed instructions. But we do need to give them credit when they do try.
If I could wipe out the memory of the affair, get rid of it all, never to think of it again. If I coudl do that, Iwoudl say we ave a pretty good marriage.

SL - I honestly believe that I will live with this forever but that doesn't mean that I can't get past it, KWIM? Every day I feel a little bit stronger, a lit bit more hopeful, a little more sure that we're going to make it but it has been a long, difficult road with some very rough stretches along the way. You are very early in this process and of course, with your d-day antiversary coming up, this is one of those times where you will feel it more painfully. Try not to be discouraged. Post as often as you can. I find with each bad time that I go through, I come out a little stronger and a little more convinced that I'm going to survive this. I think once we accept that we will survive with or without them in our lives, we begin to build an inner strength that sees us through this process. (((SL)))
MNMI - Welcome to our little corner. I hope you're not discouraged by our primarily female group. There are some guys here but they tend not to post as often as we chatty females.
I do hope your W is coming out of her fog. Are you sure your W has finally gone NC? Do you know if the OM continues to attempt contact and how did their A get discovered? Have you spoken to the OM's wife?
I respect and am frankly amazed at your ability to put your feelings second but I think this is not in your best interest. I agree that your wife needs you to help her through this period as she tries to withdraw from her addiction of the A but what about you and the hurt you must be feeling as a result of her betrayal. Frankly, I didn't give a damn about my H's feelings once I learned of his A. I only had enough energy to work through my own devastating issues. Although I agree that your wife needs IC'ing, I also think you would benefit by having someone to talk to about your own feelings. MC'ing would also be beneficial if you think your wife would cooperate.
Take care of yourself. You are the one who has been betrayed and as the BS you should expect and receive love and support from your wife at this time.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
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