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User Topic: Long Term Affairs X I I I
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, October 24th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well UK, I know I've been through this once or twice on here, but before Dday, I had lost 65 lb. I wanted a tummy tuck because I felt that all that hard work and to still have a stomach that looked like a giant dimply deflated balloon was unfair.

So I saw a surgeon, who told me I needed to quit smoking first. So I planned on doing it in August 2005. Well, I couldn't seem to quit, I talked to people who'd had the procedure done and hadn't quit, and they turned out fine, so I booked it. Took the money out of my IRA. Then H says "don't do it now, it's too hot, you'll be uncomfortable -- and I'm NOT installing the A/C in the bedroom ( he didn't want me to have the surgery -- he's a big baby about medical procedures). SO I said OK, after Christmas, while the kids are still home on winter break, that way they'll be around to help me.

Well, DDay came about 6 weeks after that conversation, so it all went on hold. Until Christmas and I started talking about it again but the reasons I wanted it had more to do with feeling undesirable to my H, than about me and my then IC actually talked me out of it.

So fast forward 3 years and I've gained back 50 of those 65 lbs and there's no point in doing the procedure now. I have to lose the weight AGAIN and have no motivation to.

I also spent probably hundreds of $ on cosmetics that promised the results of surgery, without the surgery, but then worried that the smell of them might turn off my H (he'd told me about some smell triggers he'd had when I used his GF's brand of shampoo or had my hair bleached -- which reminded him of the hookers) so I bagged them too.

Now 3 years later, I've aged 10 and have no motivation to do anything about myself... (go back to the I can't be pretty, thin, sucessful or he gets the benefit). So, I say if you want it, go for it. But make sure it's for the right reasons.

mig, you're right, I am fighting with myself and have been since I started kicking myself about how I handled my discovery. How much more I could have done, how pathetic I must have seemed to him, how desperate.

I only knew one way to handle adultery -- leave or kick him out. And even though I do have a "better" acting husband than I did during those 10 years of my M, I do realize that it's not good enough for me. That he's never going to give me what I want and I don't have the energy to go out and get what I need.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
fadingmemories
♀ Member
Member # 20531
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, October 24th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for the welcome. I've been to this section many times in the past few months and always wondered why no one posted anything....I thought I was in a minority with my WH having a LTA...then I noticed (duh) I had to go to the last page!!! Sometimes things that stare me in the face I can not see ....obviously, with my H's 12 year LTA. I'm glad I found you all.
FNF can I tell you how much your phrase "proceed with caution" means? I do need to proceed with R... but with caution is so appropriate, thank you. I also find the respect for my H in his hard work at all of this. He says he did not grow up until his 50th birthday, dday was 2 days before


Me BS
Him FWS
Married 25 Years† Together 31
LTA 12 years
DDay 4/11/08
R 2/14/09
"No matter if you think you can or you can't...either way you are right"
Scars do not form on the dying...
only on the survivors.



Posts: 315 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: North East
lovinlife
♀ Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, October 24th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just stopping by to say hello, and to let everyone know that they are in my thoughts and prayers.

I don't post here often, but I do read. I am sorry that so many still sruggle and I am sending strength and hope!!

My world is good and spinning by quickly. FWS and I spend quite alot of time away together. We talk and laugh and really enjoy being together. He is such a different person and because of that, WE are different... better.

He is even working hard with getting to know his kids better. That in itself is cause for celebration.

We are leaving today for a short trip... going camping. The weather is rainy, but we will find things to do.

I am going to try posting here more often, as long as you put up with all my happiness, and sunshine!

Lovin


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
fadingmemories
♀ Member
Member # 20531
Happy  Posted: 9:58 AM, October 24th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for the welcome. I've been to this section many times in the past few months and always wondered why no one posted anything....I thought I was in a minority with my WH having a LTA...then I noticed (duh) I had to go to the last page!!! Sometimes things that stare me in the face I can not see ....obviously, with my H's 12 year LTA.

FNF can I tell you how much your phrase "proceed with caution" means? I do need to proceed with R... but with caution is so appropriate, thank you. I also find the respect for my H in his hard work at all of this. He says he did not grow up until his 50th birthday, dday was 2 days before.
WEEPY Pathetic is what I thought as well... How sad to be her.
I know I struggle as well with the fact that he got everything he wanted. He had her to have, quiet conversations and wild sex with while I was home making his dinner, folding his laundry and caring for his children. Now today, that is different. My H does not have my or our children's utter respect. He has lost that. When he tries to give them advice, he sees in their eyes the "why should I listen to you...". He says that loss of respect is crushing. He says he also has to look in the mirror every day and realize he is the man he is, has done what he has done and truly understand what that means. I think he does not have everything, he does not have true self respect. As a family, we are all working hard not to hate him for it.

SO LOST I do not want to open the lines of communication, anywhere. I will not communicate again or listen in any way. My reason for the letter was "The End"

Ok all, I mailed it...yesterday, before I had a chance to read all the posts. I shared the information in it with my H. He had no problem with my sending it and said if she tried to contact him he would hang up, walk away or forward her email to me without reading it. He would also let me know immediatly that she tried to make contact.
For years, as we worked together, I now recognize her bemused smile as her 'I've got a secret...and if you only knew...". I had to let her know there were no more secrets, I know everything. If my husband slanted the information, I hope she realizes even more how false what she thought she had was.
My H says what he had there was paper mache' ..what he has at home is gold.
I still wonder why it took 12 years for him to realize that!!!
UKG I'm sorry you are wearing your skin in side out...that is so true to what everything feels like right now. I feel like if anyone bumps me I would bruise so easily. Maybe someone could share some skin toughening techniques.
We are all good people who did not deserve what was dealt to us. However, we have control over our steps from here. I hope you all have deep breaths of fresh air and sunshine on your face today. Thanks you for sharing. I'm glad figured this out and found you!


Me BS
Him FWS
Married 25 Years† Together 31
LTA 12 years
DDay 4/11/08
R 2/14/09
"No matter if you think you can or you can't...either way you are right"
Scars do not form on the dying...
only on the survivors.



Posts: 315 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: North East
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, October 24th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I forgot to welcome Fadingmemories & whatnow in my earlier posts. Welcome to the tribe gals..Guess i'm somewhat like a 4yr old, if i cover my eyes you can't see me. I've been reading along following your journey but forgot you don't know that i'm here till i post.


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, October 24th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Loviní! You do love that camping, donít you?! So whereís the pitch this time, somewhere warm? I love your happiness. Havenít you noticed I steal your good vibes you leave hanging around here? Just leave a few more before you leave.

Wow weepy. 65 pounds??? Did you want to lose that much? I guess itís not the same for me, I was about 140 or less around dday, and at 5ft 6in a 30+ loss was quite worrying for FWH, esp as Iíd never been on any sort of diet before! The last time I was so light was after a bad miscarriage and I looked like an anorexic.

I think itís easy to talk ourselves out of surgery procedures, after all, it seems self indulgent. But it sounds like your H didnít want you to have it done so that he could still have some control or hold over you by keeping you down. I wish you had done it, then you would not have felt defeated. He was putting you down weepy, you should go back to that dream of having it done. Iíd say a 65 loss is worth treating with a tummy tuck.

go back to the I can't be pretty, thin, sucessful or he gets the benefit

That is for YOU, and only YOU, he just gets the result that you are doing something for yourself. I am not pretty or thin in a model-y way and I am not successful in any way, but that doesnít mean I cant do this for me, does it? I am worthy of it. I have been in this marriage long enough to say Iíve done my bit and this is part payment of my appreciation of me! So there, like it or lump it. (I sound stroppy, but Iím not really. If we couldnít afford it, I wouldnít think about it).

But I need to feel I AM doing this for me. Just me. I feel a bit guilty thinking about doing it when the surgeons could be doing patients who really need them, butÖÖ would they? I havenít gone over it with FWH yet and I might ask him along to another consultation to see about the breast sizing. But then again, wft is it to do with him? I do not want OWís breasts!!!! Itís my body. Aaarghh! Is this vanity or lack of self esteem???

while I was home making his dinner, folding his laundry and caring for his children.

Oh boy. Identify with that. I HATE the thought of buying his shirts, washing, ironing folding and putting them in his travel bag only to have them end up on HER floor or in some hotel mixed with HER clothes and that he would have me launder them for the next wearing. I fucking HATE it. Ironing triggers me even now. Not so much the dinner and boys, but the clothes Ö.. And I still havenít been shopping with him, itís been well over a year now. I bought a few bits when DS1 went to Australia, and nothing since. Not so much as a pair of socks. His wardrobe is rather thin. I wonít do it, I wonít. He said he didnít go shopping with MOW, I know he did and last week, when I revealed meeting MOWís BH, he had nothing much to say other than he didnít remember it that way. Fuckwit. Do your own clothes shopping. Or get a personal shopper.

MIG - peeping out from behind the sofa??!

Glass of wine anyone? It IS Friday.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, October 24th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, I can't keep up lately! Welcome to all the newbies & hello lurkers.

I saw this and haven't responded:

Sounds like you need to get some issues out. Can you do this at MC? Thereís nothing wrong with taking a list or some notes along, you know


It's funny because part of the letter was about WHY I haven't been able to discuss things- and 1 of the bigger topics did get brought up in MC although I had wanted to talk about another, the porn issue- but hopefully we can get to that Tuesday.


Not much to report here- WH has been in an okay mood- we've been talking about the A a little. I still haven't given him the letter but didn't get to finish it until this afternoon. My dad is taking the kids tomorrow until Sunday morning. We don't really have any plans but will probably catch a movie & dinner again.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 6:14 AM, October 25th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whatnow, do you know why you canít/wonít discuss some issues? Is there some kind of underlying embarrassment or a desire to shove it under the mat? I find letters work for me. I donít know what they do to FWH Ė well, I do Ė they upset him. I donít think he dwells on them but I think it gives me a chance to be heard uninterrupted. I can easily lose my thread or go off at a tangent or even think that what I want to say is maybe not that important. And then it just goes on around in my head b/c it is important. The last one I wrote was about meeting MOWís BH and to tell him that I knew he was still lying and minimising. The thing is he seems to have erased a lot of memories. He was perplexed by some of the things I said and it seemed genuine puzzlement.

Enjoy your time sans enfants.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, October 25th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKG - I don't have much time as I am between dinner and after but I would proceed carefully with any elective surgery in this day and age. (FNF where are you on this?) It is not the surgery as much as the possibility of secondary infection. For example, Tom Brady, NE Patriots Quarterback and major hunk, just had surgery to repair his ACL. He has now had two extra surgery to flush out staph.

Methisium (sp?) resistant staph is a problem in hospitals in the US. Maybe you are okay there but here it is an issue. I would think twice about potentially putting my life at risk for this. I had a great body when i was young. Three kids and breast feeding later everything is a solid two inchest loweer than it should be. My kids love it. They don't want to see me in a bikini...they want me to be mom. I look hot in a "tankini" and I get the ones with the underwires and whatnot to put it all back where it belongs.

As far as the boobs, I have only two words... Victoria Secrets. The have bras that make me LOOK like I had a boob job (obviously not naked ). Just be careful with the risk you are taking.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:33 AM, October 26th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning all.

I have been lurking, and have been holding everyone on my thoughts.

***

Ukg, I discussed surgery with my IC and she was adamantly against it.She has a number of clients who post surgery, are shocked to find out that it didnt solve things like they thought it would. Which excerbated their depression and coping skills.

She said the key to my whole body issue, was to rebuild myself up inside completely and solidly, but then, when I get there, I would be so confident in myself, I wouldnt even want surgery. Does that make sense?

(I dont know know though.
If I had the money, I would love to do my boobs, butt , thighs, tummy, skin...but thats it. Ok, maybe some lip fillers and eye lift.
Ooh, can I do my nose as well?? )

Ukg, you are not in a good place right now. In fact, you havent been for a quite awhile.
I dont think this would be a good time to do anything drastic. Do some work with an IC first. Find your way through this mess and build up your path. I know its not the one you had marked all these years. I know you are grieving the deaths of many many dreams.
But at some point, you will have to start living again, Ukg. You are going to have to come out from behind your fortress and start building new dreams. I have met you, and I think you are just so gorgeous.( I spoke to mumto3 soon after and when I was describing you to her, I said that you are coolly elegant and sophisticated, I was convinced that you might have been a model at some time. )

And here on the forum, your intelligence and humour and empathy is clearly evident.

((((((ukg)))))))

***
MIG, I am so humbled.
Thank you.

***
We are off to Paris tomorrow for the week.And have so many other things going on. The kids are unusually subdued about the trip and to be honest, I am not all that excited either. I guess the ghost of the last one is still hanging with us.

Still, we have been planning this trip since we lived in Australia. So am going to dig deep and drum up some fire for it.

All the best to everyone.

***

BT, I cant watch A-related movies. I can barely read books that have them. Just finished one that had my heart in my throat most of the time.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, October 26th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LostH Ė have an absolutely great time over in Paris. I take it this is the Disney trip that had to be abandoned earlier this year? We went years and years ago. DS4 was about 5 and we went with some friends. We didnít tell the kids until we were at the station, they thought it was a weekend in London and they got soooo excited! Relax, enjoy the escape and take lots of photos.
*****
Cosmetic surgery is something I started thinking about in my mid-40ís, but would only want to do it the once. So I reckoned about 50 would see me through. Iíve been lucky with every other aspect of my health, pregnancy and childbirth. Iíve never been on a diet or needed to and always done gym, aerobics, dance, walking (when we had the two dogs), etc, to stay fit. However, there is this lurking thought that maybe I was a little unsure of my attractiveness to my WH as he was getting emotionally detached. Well, of course he was, he was having an affair!! Ages ago when I was looking for evidence related to the A, I found I was buying underwear, new perfumes, tanning treatments, so I knew in my heart something not quite right. And perhaps thatís when the germ of the cosmetic surgery idea was planted.

Iíve been back to seriously thinking about it for the last year, but hadnít the courage to go to my doctor and seek advice. As it turns out, he was fine, as long as I was doing it for me and it was what I wanted. I didnít mention it in MC cos I hadnít told H I was arranging consultations.

Shirley, the stories about MRSA have been hideous. Much as I hate to do down the NHS and its ďfree from cradle to graveĒ policy, those are the hospitals where the superbugs lurk. Neither of the private hospitals my GP referred me to have had a single case. Not one. And post-op infections are single %age figures. With regard to the boob job, I have all the push-ups, fillers, padded bits to give me what Iím lacking which is fine Ė when Iím dressed! I do not like my H looking or staring at my naked body cos it makes me feel very self conscious. I donít mind while weíre having sex; if he starts staring at me, I close my eyes and then I canít see him looking at me!!!

I posted over in Gen and got some good responses. So, I guess Iíll go ahead. I actually thought Iíd have it done just before Christmas. Then I have my excuse to not have the family up and all the organising and palaver that event involves.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, October 26th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whatnow, do you know why you canít/wonít discuss some issues?

UKG- It's not that I won't discuss certain issues- they will get discussed eventually. It's more of the problem of finding the right time, right mood for both of us to be open of a good productive conversation....with both of us working full time, 2 small children conversation is sometimes hard, yk? It's that choice to possibly ruin a good evening but sometimes that's the way it goes. I do like writing letters, although get much more helpful information from a conversation. WH didn't say much after he read the recent letter. He said something like, "Well, I already knew all that- I think I know where you're at with everything." I guess women appreciate being comforted, love being reassured, etc. much more than men- at least WH seems to be that way. I thought he would appreciate hearing my thoughts- restating my commitment but it seems as if he kinda takes it for granted. Ah well. We drove down to pick up our kiddos today and was reading "Real Love in Marriage" which somehow lead to conversation about the start of the A's. WH said, "I hate this." We talked and he said that conversation about the details puts him in a pissy mood. Ya....but it helps me so....


UKG- Sounds like you have thought out the option of surgery for years so it's certainly not an impulsive decision. I don't have any advice really. I haven't had any although would think about it if I had the money, which we don't so I don't even go there. OW#1 had a boob job while their A was going on . Not that WH liked them but it still irks me.


Hope you have a wonderful time LH.


As far as the boobs, I have only two words... Victoria Secrets

Can I add an infomercial here too? LOL. I LOVE, absolutely LOVE bras from Lane Bryant if you have one around. They are cheaper than VS and I think more supportive. If they don't have your size in stock in store (they carry a ton) you get free home shipping. I love em, just ordered one last night actually. On another side note: OW#2 intoduced me to Lane Bryant bras- so while I love them I have some issues with them as well. I already mentioned my own issues with my breats, and how she loved her own.

On another note...after we were talking in the car and WH said it puts him in a pissy mood- he specifically said talking about sex with OW#2......maybe someone can enlighten me. I understand that it's difficult because he did wrong, made horrible choices, may have lost everything, etc. But even with all that, I just don't get how 8 months ago they could have sex all the time, take pictures of it for fuck sakes and now he's just beyond himself bothered to think about it. From OW's angle- During a conversation after D-day with her she mentioned how she had been unpacking her stuff after moving out and thought, "why did I take these sheets?" BLAH!. WTF? Why is it instantly so horrible for both of them? They knew all along it was wrong- not some big surprise.....can anyone explain this more?

I have tried to put myself in his shoes and it's difficult because I am content with all my past relationships and have no regrets....so I have difficult imagining how WH can have negative thoughts when it comes to sex with them.


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, October 26th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FNF where are you on this?

HS, from a personal point of view, I don't let anyone touch me with a knife unless it's a medical necessity. I have had two surgical procedures done, once for a lump on my breast (turned out to be benign) and once for a laporoscopy (years ago)to find out why I wasn't getting pregnant. Both were medical necessities and therefore I was able to justify the risks involved. For me, the risk of not having the surgery has to be greater than not so as far as cosmetic surgery goes, until my H has a penile implant, my boobs are staying just as they are .
UKG, this is my stance on the whole cosmetic surgery position and in no way am I trying to discourage you. But I do agree with HS that there are serious risks and potential complications that must be heavily weighed before moving forward.
I did read in general the responses and one that I would be concerned about and would want to get some more information and personal responses on is the issue of breast sensation following the implants. May be TMI -but my breasts are very sensitive and add a great deal to my pleasure during sex so I would never want to diminish this. I would want to make absolutely sure that there is no risk of losing that sensitivity. If I were you, I'd want to check into this posibility a bit more but again, that's JMHO for what it's worth.
Also, a few years ago my SIL decided to have her eyes done. She went to a top cosmetic surgeon in New York - she researched this and had a friend who had a successful surgery yet after her procedure she developed a cataract in one eye and now it deviates so when I'm talking to her I have to be conscious not to be distracted by that.
I hope I'm not being too negative because I know how much you want to do this. But I also agree with what LH posted. Please just make sure you are doing this for the right reason and that you have fully investigated the possible complications and the medical team you choose for your surgery.
We'll support you all the way with whatever you decide. (((UKG)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, October 26th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why is it instantly so horrible for both of them? They knew all along it was wrong- not some big surprise.....can anyone explain this more?

Whatnow, I have also struggled somewhat with this issue with H.

This is the best way he could describe it to me, and I hope I can explain it adequately:

Imagine that you are a crook. You lie and steal from people. Maybe people who love and trust you but you do it anyway, cos you get so caught up in it. You start off by nicking something small, and you get away with it. Next time, you go for something bigger, and you are shocked (and tantalised)that you got away with it. It becomes intoxicating and very addictive; and even though you tell yourself, that this is the last time, you find yourself doing it more and more, taking bigger and bigger risks. And you get away with it.
Soemtimes there are some warnings and you lay low for awhile but then you start again...all the while with noone any wiser. You are invincible.

But one day it all comes crashing down...and you become painfully aware of not only that you are nothing but a cheating lying crook, but worse, you hurt people who are most beloved to you.
But much much worse is that you have to face yourself.

Now, would you like to relive all those crimes (in painful nauseating detail? do you want to reminisce on what a complete and utter wanker you are; the worst excuse for a F and H? Do you want to think of the those times with your co-conspirator that now make the insides of you curl up in shame and self loathing?

Or do you just want to let it go and focus on making it up in the now?


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, October 26th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UK:

I have probably spent $15,000 on therapy of various kinds over the years with the intention of feelng better/happier. I think it was money well spent because I do feel pretty good and I know what to do to keep on feeling that way.

Looks were always been a self-esteem issue with me, but the more therapy I've gotten and the happier I've become with myself, the less they've mattered to me. But if I did have a certain physical issue -- boobs or eyes or whatever -- that bothered me and I had the money, I'd have it surgically corrected.

But I wouldn't have expected surgery to correct all my self-esteem issues from the affair and other things. No amount of surgery in the world would have solved that. I can't imagine that it would hurt you to have bigger boobs or a firmer face, but you need to be clear with yourself about what you hope to get out of the surgery.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, October 26th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This day and time one year ago it suddenly hit me that my husband could be cheating. I couldn't have said it out loud if you paid me, but something was tugging at me to think about it. The next morning was a Sat. I got up and looked at his cell phone. Someone who I had never seen him talk to on the phone had called many, many times and he had called that person. Hmmm. I clicked on the number and went to the computer. I paid $15 I think to reverse phone number look up. Her name popped up and my world changed forever.

I remember seeing that firs name before. It can be shortened to a man' name and I had seen that once before on his cell phone. An email from that name as well. He brushed it off. That had been years before. Oh, God. It suddenly hit me then. It had been years before.

i went to work. on Sat we work with just one other person and talk and chit chat all day long. It was ALL I thought about. I almost said something, as it was a good friend I was working with. I looked up the name at work and saw where she worked and what she did.

My mil was with the kids at home and WH at work when I got home. I didn't say a word. I was silently dying inside. I printed out every phone record that I could... i think 9 months worth. I highlighted every time her number appeared. Most of the sheets were highlighted. They talked sooo much. I was able to look up dates and know they were talking. He talked to her when we were on vacation. I remeber how long it took for him to get ice in the hotel. How strange that was. How grumpy he was. I was dying inside, only not so slowly.

I watched a movie and made dinner and it was ALL I thought about. I lie in bed and waited. The mil and children fell asleep. He got off work at 11:30 pm. At 1 am he came in. He came upstairs and kissed me hello. Asked me what was wrong. I said nothing, why?

He went downstairs to eat. I went in tot he bathroom and looked at myself and knew that the old me was dead. This new person was going to have to emerge.

I walked downstairs. Told him we needed to talk. Asked him to sit down. Told him I knew about her. Who? he asked. I said her name. It was the one and only time I had said her name. His face fell. Later he would say it felt like having a bucket of ice cold water dumped on him.

I was so eerily calm. I barely cried.Probably not a single tear until about an hour in. I asked it all. He answered--much of it not the truth. Story shifted here and there as he tried to deal. He asked if he should call her and end it. He did. She was very willing about that, which made me know it would not be the last we heard of her.

And thus started my nightmare. It all started one year ago for right now, when I just felt this tugging that after all these years, I should finally allow myself to think about the possibility that my husband was cheating.

Now I go to work tomorrow. Just like I did a year ago. And it will be all I think about. And I will come home and do what I am suppose to do and it will be all I think about. Only this time I have already died. There is so little left inside sometimes that I feel like I will just break apart.

Just thought I would let you all know, it started one year ago from right now. My dday would be Tuesday. that was the day he admitted it. The day we started moving forward. But nothing is as simple as a day. It all leads up to and flows after that one day. Nothing is that simple.

[This message edited by So Lost at 6:43 PM, October 26th (Sunday)]


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, October 26th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((HUGS)) So lost. You brought tears to my eyes because I can totally understand that feeling of dying- losing every aspect of our lives that we thought we knew. I wish I could offer you something other than online Hugs. I hope you can get through the next difficult days with as little pain as possible. AGH. I'm so sorry.

Thanks Lost Heart for the reply.

But much much worse is that you have to face yourself.

But, doesn't this thought almost make them only sorry they got caught? Life would have been just peachy for them to continue.

Now, would you like to relive all those crimes (in painful nauseating detail?

And I think this is why I will never fully understand this aspect. It's all because of compartmentalizing and I just can't imagine being able to do it. Every day of my life, every conversation I have, work I do, relationship with WH, etc. etc. is all processed, planned, thought out before & after. So, they (WH & OW) are either just truly sorry they were caught or couldn't "see" what they were doing based on rationalizations or "shutting it off". It's the same thing as me totally not understand how WH could continue the A say, after a movie, a conversation we would have about our relationship or other people, almost getting caught when I noticed our f'n mattress was moved over a foot away from the boxspring, when his friends A was discovered....all of those things SHOULD have brought something out within him to at least make him contemplate stopping the A. You'd think the stress & guilt from having sex with your WS in the house, and then returning to them minutes later would be enough for fuck sakes. This aspect has been the scariest from day one. Why would I want to be with someone like that who can push everything to the side to put themselves first.

One more thought (maybe I already shared this recently as it's been on my mind). D-day was on a Tuesday, our son's birthday party was planned for that Saturday and WH knew he was going to have to face every family member that had been told of the A. He stated that he wanted to apologize to my father before his arrival to the party, so called him. Then again- HOW can WH suddenly be sorry like 2 days afterwards and regret/have remorse for all his actions? Isn't he sorry because he got caught? If you knew you were fucking up all along- for 2.5 years, how are you NOT man enough to do something about it? WH didn't because he didn't want to stop, yet when he was mistakenly discovered he's instantly sorry and apologetic to my family? I just don't buy it.

[This message edited by Whatnow28 at 7:21 PM, October 26th (Sunday)]


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
fadingmemories
♀ Member
Member # 20531
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, October 26th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Everyone. Hope you all had a good weekend.

SO LOST Your story made my heart ache. I know we all have similar stories to tell. That's what make this site what it is, we can all feel your pain with you.
(((So Lost))) Keep what you want and need in focus.

WHATNOW I doubted my WH's all of a sudden "so sorry" for months. As far as I could tell at dday, he had come home and slept next to me for 12 years after screwing her in the afternoons when they got out of school (teachers you know, moral guides of our youth)and he was so sorry. He said he was sorry that I sat in the parking lot of Home Depot, a few days before, for two hours waiting for him while he forgot and was "enjoying" her company. On dday, I said I was sorry that he was turning 50 the next day and proceeded to call his family and tell them that the party at our house would be moved and gave them all the OW's address. I told him she could cook his JERK chicken and that I was done!


Me BS
Him FWS
Married 25 Years† Together 31
LTA 12 years
DDay 4/11/08
R 2/14/09
"No matter if you think you can or you can't...either way you are right"
Scars do not form on the dying...
only on the survivors.



Posts: 315 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: North East
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, October 26th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(Supposed to be in the quote):

WH didn't say much after he

read the recent letter. He said something like, "Well, I already knew all that- I think I know where you're at with everything." I guess women appreciate being comforted, love being reassured, etc. much more than men- at least WH seems to be that way


I figured it out. I was talking to WH about this ^^- that I thought he would have liked hearing these words. he again said, well I know from your actions and you have told me numerous times that you're sticking with me....and then it clicked. He has heard it numerous times and trusts it- I have probably heard it a handful here & there....but I don't/can't trust it. I need to hear it over & over & over- in letters, in conversations, through time, through actions & words, etc. etc. So...i'm basically writing out what I want to hear from him. So, we figured that out on the phone just now and he says, "Well, you do know that I love you etc. etc." And I said no, that's just it. I know how well you can lie to me and I don't know anything. We went on to discuss a bunch of what if's....What if he had admitted when I asked just a few months into their A, what if I had picked up on X, Y, and Z...what if he had taken that job, it never would have started, etc. etc. AGH. What a waste.

On dday, I said I was sorry that he was turning 50 the next day and proceeded to call his family and tell them that the party at our house would be moved and gave them all the OW's address. I told him she could cook his JERK chicken and that I was done!

Thanks fading! I had to laugh a little though at how brave you are! WTG girl!


Just 2 little quick notes to share:

I forgot to mention that last week I checked the mail.....a letter addressed to her. I looked at the return address, felt the envelope and it was her new fucking drivers license mailed to my house. I opened it up (ya, federal offense) started at it for minutes- looking at every detail of her face...called WH, then proceeded to take a lighter to her face again. (I did the same on d-day and she must just now be getting a new one). So....hopefully sometime she'll realize that her license was mailed here and I hope she feels like utter shit. BITCH

Then...WH & I sent the kids off with my folks last night. We went out to eat and half way through the meal WH says "It's happening. She's sitting right over there." I had the instant adrenaline rush and thankfully it was not here although it did look a lot like here. I more distinguished, mature, and skinnier OW- but a lot like her. At one point during the meal I looked up at him and he was looking over and I said, Stop. He said oh, I was looking at the guys side burns. LOL. Ssssuuuurreeeee.

I'm off to bed, later than I wanted to of course.


[This message edited by Whatnow28 at 10:17 PM, October 26th (Sunday)]


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 1:19 AM, October 27th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((SoLost))))))))

Take care of yourself, Sweetie. Be kind to you. Keep your self wrapped in a thick warm cloak of love. Treat your self like the way you would love to be treated. Thinking of you.


****
Whatnow, although I did fall for it in the beginning, I realised later that the immediate contrition was just empty words. I think it takes awhile for the fog to lift from a LTA WS and for them to feel REAL sorrow and remorse for what they did. I know it did for my H.

I cant believe your H did that at the restaurant!
Honestly if he were mine, and there was a glass/cup of something on the table...
Good for you being the better person, but I am sure that must have hurt.

((((Whatnow))))

***
Ukg, we are leaving in an hour, and yes, its that long awaited Disney trip.
So far so good...

***
BT,
I know words are your part of your living,but you sure do have a way with them.

***
Take care everyone. We are off to Paris!


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

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