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User Topic: Long Term Affairs X I I I
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, November 1st (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know how to get over this hump. This morning WH came home and we ended up having quick sex- it was fun & I commented on it later on- said I enjoyed it, etc. He went in to take a nap as he worked last night- I layed down with him and all the thoughts came flooding back-

thinking about when I saw the mattress, our mattress moved away from the boxspring and now know it was after they had doggie on our bed....so I'm thinking about how hard & rough that must have been, sorry TMI

thinking about how once when dusting I saw handprints on the, our headboard and thought, I don't remember touching there but figured WH must have....now, I wonder if it was her and imagine it must have been

It's like somedays I go and can think about the A on the outside...and then I still have those moments of OMG, he had sex with her! So....as I was laying with him I started crying but got up & left so he didn't notice. So now....I'm back under- had just thought I was getting above after this morning, and now slipping again.


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, November 1st (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That must be so hard WN, have you at least been able to get a new bed and paint, rearrange the room?
I think that has to be a must if you haven't already done so.
It may help a tiny bit.
The other night while H was making love ( and i was having sex. ) i felt and heard his breath against my neck and had to stop , i thought how OW felt and heard that too and of course knew that for her it was deeper,louder,more excited.
We have to listen to thee wise ones here and know that those times will fade.

(((Whatnow))))


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, November 1st (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

have you at least been able to get a new bed and paint, rearrange the room?


No. Same bedding too. I suggested to my sister that she could get me another bedding set again this year for Christmas. The one I have was a few months old at D-day....but it has been tainted. I can't afford another mattress but thought the other day I may look for a used one- that's how we found the guest bed...which was OW's so I can't use that one either. I hadn't really thought about painting the room- but maybe I could do a whole new make over......I need some money.

[This message edited by Whatnow28 at 2:51 PM, November 1st (Saturday)]


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, November 1st (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I shared pics of my boys in F&G in the Halloween post if anyone is interested. (pg2)


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, November 1st (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Love the pics Whatnow. Soooo cute!
Went out for dinner with H and the IL's. H took his ring off. I wore mine for 26yrs, he wore his for 6wks. Haven't worked out what he's trying to say.

back tomorrow, now back to to drinks.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, November 1st (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

now back to to drinks

I think I'm headed that way!

Glad you enjoyed the pics of my precious boys- big boys


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, November 1st (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Big boys?? Mine would scare the livin daylights outta you! Enjoy them while they're little. >>>sigh<<<

And the MIL came in while i was posting .....

Okay. Catch up tomorrow. Night (((((tribe)))))


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, November 1st (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cute pix of your boys WN!

Halloe'een was 'dead' literally here. We only had one little girl in a pink "Jeannie' costume ring our doorbell. Disappointing not seeing little ones in costume.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 4:25 AM, November 2nd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for the good thoughts. My son is feeling fine and appears to have no ill effects. His brain scan is normal and the doc says his EEG will probably be normal as well. No medicine at this time, we will just watch and wait. Yet another lesson in patience for all of us, I guess. I just hate to have him live with this kind of hanging over him. And I hate that there's nothing I can do to help him.

**************

UK, the tone of your posts is concerning me.

Do you ever tell any of your thoughts/concerns/fears to your H, or is this all hidden from him?


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 5:43 AM, November 2nd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iam coming to see that he was no more capaable of loving me than he was of OW or anyone else for that matter.
I think i was no more than the sum of what i did for him as was she.

MIG, the depth of their selfishness just leaves you dumbstruck, doesnt it?

Same old question i guess, if these guys didn't know what love was and/or weren't capable of truly loving anyone, how the hell can they know or be capable now?

Everyone has the capacity to love but not everyone knows how to, or is willing to.
If your H genuinely wants to, he can learn how to love more selflessly.
Thats his path to trod though.

I want to point out something:

you took care of me, you were always there, i could always count on you, you had my back,you believed in me"

Hopefully your H realised how indispensible you are, and how much he has taken you for granted. And hopefully, this will motivate him into wanting to be a better H to you. However, if he is like mine, he will need you to point the way for him, and like BT once said, be the lighthouse.

***

whatnow, your babies are gorgeous!! Thanks for sharing.

I cant imagine sleeping on the same A bed after dday. I would have chopped it up and burned it piecemeal a long time ago!

For your peace of mind, do something, like the others suggested. Get H involved! If it means sleeping on a foam mattress on the floor, I would have done it, and f*** what anyone else says. This LTA crap is hard enough.

Its times like this that I so wish we could sue OP for damages incurred.

So now....I'm back under- had just thought I was getting above after this morning, and now slipping again.

Whatnow, it IS like this in the first year. And it is NO reflection on you. You learn to enjoy the highs and endure the lows, and trust me, the periods inbetween will get longer and longer in time. I am just so that you had the energy just after being in the ER with both DSs! Kudos girlfriend!!!

***

Uk, in your first IC session, interview her. Get a scope for her thoughts on what you need and where she sees you going. Remember, you dont just want a cosy buddy, or a place just to vent, you want someone who is also going to challenge you and call you up when you need it.

I am also worried about you, my friend.

(((((((UKG))))))))


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, November 2nd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope everyone is having a good weekend. I was out celebrating our big World Series win - sorry to any Rays fans - the parade was amazing.
WN - I just wanted to add that at the very least, new bedding is in order. Sheets, pillow cases, comforter, shams the whole nine yards. My H f--ked the OW on a sofa bed at his office and I trashed everything. It felt so good and when I had it tossed outside I couldn't help but make the comment that she was being thrown out like the trash on the sidewalk. That's what they are - trash! Everything and anything that I had that she ever gave me or him was smashed and trashed. It was cathartic.
HS - I dream a lot too. Your dreams are amazing and not at all surprising. Lately I've been dreaming about pushing the OW out the door - I am shoving and pushing and trying very hard to push her out and she keeps trying to get back in and the harder she tries the harder I push and shove. Pretty self-explanatory I think. Last night though, I dreamt I was trying to decide whether I wanted her out or in. Now that I can't figure out. Any ideas?
UKG - thanks for those song titles. I've been listening. Music has really helped me in my recovery - even the songs that make me cry. There's something very healing to me in the lyrics of some songs.
How did your weekend go? Did you find out why your H took off his ring? Do you think he is upset because you won't wear yours anymore? I hope you were able to talk things out with him. We'll be thinking of you on Tuesday and hoping this new C is able to help you. (((UKG)))
LH - how is your DS? I hope he is all better now and that you were all able to enjoy Paris and your time together.
BT - Glad to hear your son is better too. That must have been very frightening. Do they have any explanation for the seizure? Have they ruled out epilepsy? We'll keep you in our thoughts and prayers.
Steelergal - good to hear from you. You're sounding really good. So happy for you.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, November 2nd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I cant imagine sleeping on the same A bed after dday

Honestly, I think there are so many things that are tainted by her....that they've all become numb. A few months after D-day I was always upset about how I had no where to go to get away from their sex, other than the bathroom I finally discovered. They even had sex in my f'in garage so that rules out hiding in my car.

She lived here for a year....so I can't get away from everything unless we sell the house. My vaccum cleaner is her old one she gave me, she left behind her rug shampooer & I want it damn it, LOL- the grill she left behind and we don't have one so we kept it, I've gotten rid of most of the kids clothes & toys she gave us, my fish is in her fish tank & she was there when I picked it out, she played in the kids sand box for the first time after it was built, they had sex in the kitchen, on both couches, on the living room floor. Every single aspect of this house has memories of her....she has sat in the seat I am currently at and used the computer. One night I was sitting on the couch and covered up with a blanket and was like "yuck" I haven't washed this since d-day...and then I remember, but....that really shouldn't bother me since it was the same sheets, our bed, etc. etc. She slept overnight in our bed a few times too- When we were away and she watched the kids she stayed upstairs to be closer to the kids. I could go on & on....so, when I'm upset the bed feels a little painful but I'm not really sure that fixing 1 room will help the situation.


Thanks LostHeart. I know the lows are normal, but sometimes it seems impossible to get out of.

Gotta go jump in the shower while the boys are napping & watching tv.

[This message edited by Whatnow28 at 10:07 AM, November 2nd (Sunday)]


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, November 2nd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FNF, they haven't ruled in or out anything for son. We have a couple more tests and perhaps they will tell me something after that. I don't do well with ambiguity, so this is driving me nuts.

***********
Whatnow, do you own the house or rent?


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, November 2nd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't do well with ambiguity, so this is driving me nuts

I can just imagine BT. Please keep us posted. ((BT))
WN - I honestly feel for you on this one. I had so many memories tied up with the OW too and that is next to impossible sometimes to free ourselves from. I feel like these particular OW are especially evil because of how cruelly they used our friendship and betrayed us along with our H's. There's a special place in hell for them, IMO. I know how important it was for me to get rid of anything that I could associate with her so I can imagine that her living in your home makes it very difficult. My H swears they never slept in our bed but I was away often during those years and who the hell knows. I try not to dwell on that. I remember once when I had redone my bedroom - new comforter, lots of pillows and beautiful drapes and he told me that the OW thought I had overdone it. I thought, WTF, how would she know? So many clues that I ignored. He told me at the time that she had seen it at one of our parties. Maybe, maybe not.
I will never understand how they live with themselves. They even pretended to care for and love our children. I'm sure when they were f---ing our H's they were thinking of the welfare of our children, wouldn't you agree? Anyway, I'd better stop, I'm working myself into a mini rage. I just wanted you to know that I DO understand. (((WN)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, November 2nd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Again, two worse things than what I've got to deal with -- knowing the OW and and OC. H swears she was never in our house (old one) and that she didn't even know we had moved. Some people would say having your H leave you for the OW would be worse, but from my vantage point, there was #1 no way that was going to happen, my H is nowhere near THAT stupid #2 from where I sit now, I'd probably be in much better mental shape if he had. AT least my life would be settled if he had.

BT, there are always more tests aren't there? Keeping my fingers crossed for you.

I know what you're going through. Amost 1 year ago I saw my chiropractor because I was having such pain on my left side, running down my leg. He did xrays and such and found nothing to indicate why there was pain at all. But he recommended ice, rest the usual. ABout 10 days into the treatment I noticed that I wasn't feeling the cold on the right side of my back. I started getting stiffness in my right knee, noticed weakness, dragging. Took it one step more to my GP and he sent me to a neurologist. The neurologist did EMG test, sent me for 6 MRIs. And last week he said he wanted me to see an MS specialist in town. He said I don't have ALL the markers and the only definitive test left is for a lumbar spinal tap. So before he does that he wants me to see more "experts". Almost a year and I still don't know why my body is numb from just below my ribs to the toes on my right side. I mean it is like someone drew a line mid torso and across my rib cage. No sensation at all except that it feels asleep or cold. I may not be able to get into see this specialist for months. And I'm not that anxious to do it anyway because I now have another pre existing condition that could get me turned down for medical insurance and life insurance.

Kills me that we have to think that way too... gee if I actually get TREATED for a disease, I could lose the insurance I need to pay for the treatment. Something is wrong there.

ANyway, hope it turns out to be nothing for your son BT.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, November 2nd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whatnow, do you own the house or rent?

Own, or the bank owns it actually. We probably own the doorstep by now, LOL. We graduated college together in 02, married in 03, bought or home in 04, DS#1 born in 05, A with OW#1 started in 05, OW#2 started in 06, she moved in spring of 07, DS#2 born fall 07, D-day 3/08.

So....only been in the house for 4 years, she was here for 1 of those. Been married for 5 now, A was 2.5 years long.


I mentioned to WH this morning that maybe we should buy new bedding together. I just don't have the money to re-do the majority of my home with new furniture. And, I love the location & outside of my home. It's at the end of a cul-de-sac, woods all around, very nice. So....here I be.

There's a special place in hell for them, IMO.

FNF- Yup, there with ya & so agree. It completely baffles me that someone can be so cruel- at least I had a relationship with WH prior to the start of the A's. She built this wonderful friendship with my family after the A started. Just baffles me- she did care for my kids & I truly believed probably enjoyed me more at the end than WH because she was sick of putting out all the time. The only time they "considered me" was when I was home in the house...and even then that didn't stop them from messing around sometimes- only stopped them from actually having full blown intercourse....which only happened 3 times that I'm aware of when I was home. Just makes me feel all warm & fuzzy to think of how considerate my WH can be. It took me a long time to figure out HOW he could allow himself to have sex with someone else in OUR bed....but to him, it really wasn't an issue. He sees it as, he was already lying & having an A what difference would it make....yet, he knew enough not to have OW#1 in our bed....so the times/boundaries just got worse & worse as time went on.

I continue to think of OW#2 often and the things I would love to do to her. IT's horrible to wish harm upon another person- to wait for the karma to arrive, to hope she suffers in hell.

Agh, screaming kiddos.


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, November 2nd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW all, the wedding went fine. I medicated and only cried a little... like every time they said "fidelty" or "true" or "loyal". Yeah, I guess I got teary eyed quite a few times. H did hold my hand.

At the reception I was fine except for me asking my SIL who brought the hooker and it turned out to be her son's GF. She was just as pissed at how inappropriately the girl was dressed, but the old guys got a real eyeful.

There is one cousin-in-law who's always a little too friendly with my H at these gatherings. She's just on the trashy side, his type and she's touchy-feely. Well, he remarked that she and her H were both drunk and he wondered how they were getting home and I said I didn't particularly care and we had no room for them. Anyway she came over and was sitting on one side of H and he leans over and puts his arm around me and holds my hand. She makes a fuss about how sweet that was and how her H NEVER does anything like that. And I just wanted to say "you H may not have anything to make up for" but I just smiled and said he was the "best husband". And turned my back to her, watched my kids out on the dance floor.

BOY were they having a good time. I danced, I drank, I ate and when we got home I made sure to snuggle with H, but about an hour later he got up and went downstairs. Took off his underwear before he went. I can't believe him.

But then this morning I took out the VAR that I had running while I was in therapy last week. I never listened to it because he was so sweet when I got home, I forgot.

He has porn. I heard it run for like 10 minutes. And it's in his car. SO now I have to bide my time and wait for the opportune time to go search. I think I'll just take it and see if he mentions it. Maybe he'll think the guys who had it in for repair stole it. Even though this was recorded after that.

I mean it's like drug dealers being robbed. He can't come out and ask me if I found his porn if he's not supposed to have it and he denied having it just the other night during our "discussion."

Well, got to go he's on his way home with DS and I have to go out food shopping with the boy when he gets home. Time to set up the tape again.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, November 2nd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy,

If you have decided to stay, I think you need to try to come up with a way to live that has at least the possibility of allowing you to be happy.

I can't think of any such program that would include checking up on his porn usage or lack of it. That is codependent behavior, Weepy, just like the wife of an alcoholic who goes looking for bottles.

Wouldn't it feel better for you to detach? All of the searching, checking, agonizing you have done over his use of porn has never stopped it. Why continue to waste the energy? He is not interested in stopping and you are not going to leave over it, right? So why drive yourself crazy?

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, November 2nd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whatnow,

If you own the house, I would do something really drastic to change the interior look of it. The cheapest way to do that would be with paint color IMO. I would pick a very dramatic color for my bedroom that would change the look of it completely. Also, if you have $100 to spare you can get one of those bed-in-a-bag deals that has comforter/sheets/bedshirt/pillows, etc. etc. I know it's not the best linen in the world, but it has the major plus of never having had her nasty ass on it.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, November 2nd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know it's not the best linen in the world, but it has the major plus of never having had her nasty ass on it.


S' what i said WN, but BT says it better.

Your boys are so cute. It's funny but seeing their pics made you more real.

So glad to hear your son is ok BT and so with you on the waiting.((BT))


Hopefully your H realised how indispensible you are, and how much he has taken you for granted. And hopefully, this will motivate him into wanting to be a better H to you. However, if he is like mine, he will need you to point the way for him, and like BT once said, be the lighthouse

Thank you LH, you're a pretty bright light yourself and BT too, and i know this is true but i'm so tired. I've been shining my beacon for decades and all he ever saw were someone elses set of headlights.
Yeah that's so funny i'm crying.


Wouldn't it feel better for you to detach? All of the searching, checking, agonizing you have done over his use of porn has never stopped it. Why continue to waste the energy? He is not interested in stopping and you are not going to leave over it, right? So why drive yourself crazy?

Oh Weepy, i have to agree with BT on this one. This is no way to live but it's one choice that is entirely in your hands. And we all know you are smart enough to know it.
BTW, Did you get around to asking him about trying a new MC?


Pretty self-explanatory I think. Last night though, I dreamt I was trying to decide whether I wanted her out or in. Now that I can't figure out. Any ideas?

Tough one FNF, but maybe that indecision represents some uncertainty about something else that's going on with you and your H? Anything new or different happening with you?


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

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