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User Topic: Long Term Affairs X I I I
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, November 17th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks So Lost and FNF - You have no idea how relieved I am. I just took the dog for another walk (the poor dog is going to be skin and bones from all my walking with her for therapy).

So Lost - the affair with this MOW ended in 1993!!! So you can imagine that having it come back now is frightening for her. It is a good life lesson for all of us that these things never go away. Matter of fact, they don't even stay buried!

FNF - I have been planning to contact MOW#2 as well however, I think she is going to be a much tougher customer. She has a LOT more to lose (Fancy House, Rich Husband,Completely fake facade of who she is to the outside world). This is the one who had most of their sex in cars, parking lots and woods and SHE brought the blankets and condoms. I don't think that reality is going to mesh real well with her fantasy facade.

I also believe that she is less likely to be remorseful at all and is more likely to be vengeful. I haven't created my list of questions of her but the idea would be the same. The question I would really like to know from her is "what were you getting out of this?" but the answer would be false anyway. Also, I don't think she could care less if I am "real". She KNOWS that I am a real person as she went out of her way to be introduced to me at several corporate functions. So maybe with her I just send the warning shot across the bow that her "secret" is out and she is not safe. Still working on this one.

I have learned not to rush this. Each of these things has to come on its own time.

ETA - FNF and tribe, it is your bravery and support that got me to a place where I was capable of doing this. I can't thank you all enough.

[This message edited by hurtshirley at 12:56 PM, November 17th (Monday)]


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, November 17th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So you can imagine that having it come back now is frightening for her. It is a good life lesson for all of us that these things never go away. Matter of fact, they don't even stay buried!

I guess I can count on this having added another layer of fear for my H too since his As didn't come out until they were well-over. Imagine all those years, maybe at some point finally thinking they could relax.

But like murder, there is no statute of limitations on infidelity, is there?

Hey gang? Since we've taken a hiatus on suspicion and anger, I've been journaling again. I'm thinking now, maybe, even though that MC wasn't very effective in my eyes, maybe we should go back to her for a few sessions. If only to address how the circumstances have changed from "I didn't know what to do, I was hurting her during sex, I was losing my business, my hair, I felt ostracized in my own family because I was never around" to the newest "we weren't having sex for YEARS". And how the affairs are now "irrelevant" to our marriage. Oh, and the "It's ok, I understand why she doesn't want porn around" has changed to "I'll do it if I want to, I've always done it, even when I was screwing OW, I still did it, it's not going away."

These are all things I'm writing down to "relfect" on with him after this 30 days is over.

At least he can't say I "misunderstood" him in our prior sessions since she was a witness to them.

[This message edited by weepy at 1:25 PM, November 17th (Monday)]


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, November 17th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I’ll be back in a bit. Just a few notes while catching up. Have to get dinner, but hope to bbl.

Well now Shirley! What a girl! Phew! Well done you and big, big hugs my brave sister! Sorry I didn’t read to be able to send you the mojos, but I reckon our tribe have kept you up and strong. Here – what’s your poison? Nice glass of wine?

I think that some part of me just wants her to see me as a real person, with real feelings and real children.

You may remember that I met OW a year after dday. I wanted her to see that actually, I am quite nice. That I have taken care of myself and not a slob. That I am reasonably intelligent, not thick. To show her the “love letter” so she could see that, after he shagged her, he IMMEDIATELY realised he loved me. But looked to her as just an escape or diversion while he got through his “dark moments”. But mostly I wanted her to see that I did not deserve this. Any of it. And that she was partly responsible.
It is a good life lesson for all of us that these things never go away.

The proverbial skeletons in the closet. Bet she wishes she’d fessed up years ago. And it should be a lesson to all of us BS’s that we can never go back to those unguarded people we were before our own ddays. Once an affair (and I’m thinking esp LTA’s &/or multiples) is revealed, you see the real underside of life and how other people’s skeletons can impact on you. Obviously I’m thinking MIL and her affair in particular. And wondering what else lurks there.

FNF, thanks for your recommendation about going to a B&B or something. I think there might be some mileage in that.

We put ourselves in an invisible prison and no one is happy.

I tend to think our WS put us there and we have to find the key to get out.

Shenpal:

For H and his affair partner's I really didn't exist. I really wasn't talked about or thought about.

Unfortunately, OW sucked as much information about me as she could from WH. I think she thought she could replace me somehow. If she could act, dress, cook, imitate me, WH would look at that PLUS what they already had as history and her obvious adoration of him and fall so much in love with her that he would leave. And they would have the happy ever after ending. She knew too much and that was somewhat scary.

Weepy – He’s rewriting history. You can’t be surprised with his ability to fabricate. But I do so want him to see life in a better way, to stop all this crap behaviour.

BT . I’ve caught up on your posts about your boys. Try not to worry, how long do you have to wait to get those tests done?

Steelergal . Goodness, I’m so sorry to hear about your nephew. I’m really hoping it’s operable, kind of like Russell Watson, the singer. Amazing recovery and he has his tour dates for next year. That’s positive for you!

LostH – Make it into your new home?

[This message edited by UKgirl at 2:10 PM, November 17th (Monday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, November 17th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I’m not sure about the IC I had last Friday either. She’s veeerrry different to the first one. Professional would be the best word to describe her. She has suggested I see my GP with regard to my mental condition (she said it’s my choice re AD’s, but I should still see him) and that when we meet again, I leave OW and FWH “outside the door”. She also said that we should meet weekly. Her diary is full except for two dates between now and NYear, so she said unless I was anxious to start, we should do first week in Jan and then weekly for a minimum of 6 sessions weekly and see where that takes us. That kind of fits with my personality type, but what am I gonna talk about if not FWH and/or OW??? She said these sessions are about YOU, not them. I don’t like to talk about me. So, I am going to see this first one re person-centred idea and see where that takes me between now and then. But I think I need someone to give me goals and active involvement in my recovery.

Right now, I feel like my skin has been peeled off, exposing all those nerves. Someone only has to breathe too close and I’m screaming in agony.

Still, got the alcohol to numb the pain. That wine glass is calling. (third and last one tonight, don’t worry.)

I’d be completely mad if it wasn’t for this sanctuary. And things have got worse for my friend, UKg2. A lot worse. But I can’t leave her. I’ll be with her when her fucktard of a H moves out at the weekend checking what he’s loading. Blameshifting and running away. Oddly, it makes me see my sitch as not so bad. But at the same time (sorry any mens lurking….) all men are bastards and all women are destined to have their hearts broken.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< BIG sigh >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> (which way round do these go??)

[This message edited by UKgirl at 4:20 PM, November 17th (Monday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, November 17th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She has suggested I see my GP with regard to my mental condition (she said it’s my choice re AD’s, but I should still see him)

UKg- I like this. I like that she is concerned about both your mental and physical health because, as you know, they are the same. I, too, have not done the ADs. I am sure it has made this harder but I have "felt" every minute of it. I too have used wine to numb (a lot of wine). Several ICs, my MC, EO and others here have pointed out that it is, in fact, a depressant. Yes, but I can sleep. I make up for it the next day with exercise. But, you are further along that I and really seem to be struggling with the depression. Maybe ADs would help?

I know the feeling of don't breathe on me. I especially hate it when I feel that way around the children. Sometimes my angel, who I love to death, my youngest comes close and I want to draw away and it makes me soooooooooo sad .

that when we meet again, I leave OW and FWH “outside the door”.

Hmmmmm, not sure how I feel about this. I believe she wants you to "work on yourself" but so much of ourselves is tied up in them that there must be an extraction period. Maybe you could talk about that?

Finally, sorry about UKg2. I admire you being there for her despite how hard it must be.

p.s. Not all men are assholes....our men were/are assholes.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, November 17th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy – He’s rewriting history. You can’t be surprised with his ability to fabricate

I agree with UKg on this. In addition, I hope with your "truce" you aren't giving him an out on MC. I think you should do a couple of sessions just to set the guidelines of the "one month not checking".

Either that, or you just need to let it go completely.

Weepy, you were one of the first here to tell me that my "enmeshment" with EO was not healthy. You told me that I needed to see who I was without him. Thank you for that.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 6:16 AM, November 18th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow shirley, that goes back to my first IC. Enmeshment was her word.

Our "truce" is holding. He was very gracious and affectionate over the weekend, despite having to work on Sunday.

And I've found it actually freeing to know that I'm not going to check his phone or paw through his drawers. But I'm not going to tolerate lies or deception or even indecision. That's one of his "quirks" He won't commit to anything. Like if he leavs all the decisions to me, he can never be "wrong". But I'm not letting him off the hook.

He wants me to get an oil change in the car even though the dealership said wait until 5000 miles. I said fine, where? He had me call a few places and get prices. I did. Last night I asked again... where? Makes no difference to me. By the time he "decides" it will be up to 6000 miles. And I'm documenting our conversations about it so he can't (well he will) dispute who's at fault here.

The good news is that this friend he helped out on Sunday is going to give us a hand finishing up our kitchen as a payback. All H has to do is empty the garage. I'm documenting that one too.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, November 18th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am waiting for the day when I run in to ow

So Lost- You must be strong...I would have tracked her down & harrassed her to pieces by now if I were you. Maybe cause I'm dealing with double betrayal...maybe if it was someone unknown it would have been different.


How is your H's therapy going?

__________

was scared because I didn't know who the real man was.Over night everything changed and suddenly I felt I was living with a stranger

Shenpal- I really think this ^^ is what keeps the triggers around for me.

But one thing is for certain, your spirit always wants to survive and it will if you can silence the suffering, pain, anger and resentment long enough to listen and hear the lessons they are teaching you.

You can let go anytime you choose to do so!

The spirit always wants to survive and it will if you will slow down long enough to listen. Just stop and listen. Sometimes the ability to listen is much more important than the answers..........

Amazing & inspirational. Thank you.


_______

Weepy- I hope things continue to go well with you and your WH.

______


HS- I have been reading along & am so glad that your meeting with the OW worked out so well for you. Sounds like you feel a bit taken off your shoulders. phew...

______

that when we meet again, I leave OW and FWH “outside the door”.
Hmmmmm, not sure how I feel about this. I believe she wants you to "work on yourself" but so much of ourselves is tied up in them that there must be an extraction period. Maybe you could talk about that?


I agree with HS here. I know I certainly wouldnt be happy with an IC where I couldn't talk about them at all- there is so much pain & betrayal there but I feel it needs to be dealt with and spelled out.

________

Not too much to update here. WH & I talked about the A on Saturday night and it went excellent. he wasn't defensive at all, was open to the conversation, gave me details & explanations the best he could....he was really helpful and we talked about how positive it was in MC today. We had some stressors with parenting where some of his emotional disconnect is spilling over onto parenting our 3 year old. WH just seems to be very harsh & rigid at times and then will see me as letting DS get away with everything....which let me tell you, I DO NOT! LOL. If anything I think my expectations are a bit high too. So...he was able to see some of that problem and actually brought it up in his IC appointment as well.
I have my 2nd IC appointment tomorrow. I wish time & progress could move faster, yk?


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, November 19th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know whatnot, I think it gets so hard to separate the A from everything else. Men and women parent differently, but it takes on a whole new light when you are trying to trudge through the aftermath of an affair.

I thin it is very different when you don't know the person. Do I think she's shit for sleeping with a married man? Yup. Do I think she's all out trash for begging a married man to leave his wife and 2 and 4 year old? Yup. Would I walk across the street to even spit on her if she were on fire? Probably not. But she did not have an allegiance to me and I cannot see anything good out of confronting her. I don't think she would even give me the satisfaction. She told him over the years she would never confront me. He couldn't elaborate on how that conversation started, but I just suspect she would walk away and I would feel unfulfilled by the conversation. Not willing to set myself up for that.

H therapy is going well I guess. He hasn't said much. He told me the basic set up and all. He is not a talked by any stretch. So talking for 4 hours a day is about way past his limit. He says it sucks but is actually good, which makes sense to me. I told him I was here if he wanted to talk about it. He respectfully just said he was talked out.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, November 19th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our "truce" is holding. He was very gracious and affectionate over the weekend, despite having to work on Sunday.

Does this mean it is a more amicable atmosphere in the house? FWH had a voicemail on his private phone this morning. He listened and mouthed it was a head hunter’s secretary. I looked at him and thought that I shouldn’t care. I made myself not care. I thought (fleetingly) of the number of times he must have said that when it was actually MOW leaving a message to make him smile. I said (in my head), don’t care if you lie cos I don’t believe you anyway and walked out of the room. I would imagine it IS hard to not snoop when you’ve spent so much time and energy being a spy, but it must feel quite good to have let it go – at least for now. Eh?

that when we meet again, I leave OW and FWH “outside the door”.
Hmmmmm, not sure how I feel about this. I believe she wants you to "work on yourself" but so much of ourselves is tied up in them that there must be an extraction period. Maybe you could talk about that?

She is of the opinion that I have wasted a lot of time on this woman and that the obsessing (her word) is keeping me down. The constant comparing, the constant feeling of not being good enough, the constant digging into their history. She feels I have to find myself again and the only way to do that is to remove the weight that is MOW, WH, their history and their affair. I have to identify my positive points and find a foothold that will give me that first step forward. She has warned it will be hard for me to do and it may cause me some distress. But that’s not until January, so meantime I’m seeing this person-centred counsellor, who I saw again today.

Actually it was okay, and there were a couple of little a-ha moments. And we talked a little about perhaps trying to persuade H to do some IC. Although of course, HE has processed the affair and only wants to see ME healed. Yeh, but he should examine WHY he couldn’t leave her alone when she tried to finish it. Just what WAS the addiction, for instance.

Last night we had MC and talked about the MIL affair revelation. Neither FWH nor his parents has mentioned the implied affair AT ALL since the letter. FWH has not approached his mum about it (thinks his Dad may not have shown her the letter before sending to me – I mean, for chrissake) and I don’t think it’s down to me to say anything. We talked quite a bit about his large and extended family and the way they have migrated around the country like a flock of sparrows – a couple move, so they ALL move. Not the same now, cos they’re dying off.

FWH said he didn’t want to book a holiday in the sun unless he knew I was going to be happy being away with him because he didn’t want to “waste a couple of grand on a gesture”. Maybe I should have said that he could at least fucking TRY. Did he fix all the hotels for his trysts with MOW because he knew she’d be ecstatic and a laugh a minute? He doesn’t TRY to do anything. At the end of the session, MC said she wanted me to start very small for dealing with this total lack of interest in anything. A meal a couple of times a week. To concentrate and to involve myself and allow myself to enjoy it. And to take it back for ME. Not FWH, but me.

I thin it is very different when you don't know the person. Do I think she's shit for sleeping with a married man? Yup.

I think MOW felt she had a right to sleep with WH because they had history. That there had just been this gap of 25yrs, but she had been engaged to him and so was entitled to take him back. It must have been soooooo good for his ego. She KNEW he was married, so yup, I think she was a shit for sleeping with him. Stupid thing is, if she had bided her time, she might have got her wish.

Strange feeling yesterday. I went out with FWH for the day which involved visiting a couple of retail malls to look at the interior designs and make notes, so we were in work mode. We stopped for a Starbucks and it didn’t feel right. We stopped for a late lunch and it didn’t feel right. I felt people were judging me as if we were work colleagues having an affair. I was very conscious of him wearing a ring and me not! I’ve felt like this before when we’ve been away from our more usual haunts. I was imagining the tut-tutting at me for having an inappropriate relationship. I didn’t know these people, why should I care?!? Guess I’m just fucked up.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 12:08 PM, November 19th (Wednesday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, November 19th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shirley,
p.s. Not all men are assholes....our men were/are assholes.

I know. That was just me feeling broken and hurt.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, November 19th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKg -

She is of the opinion that I have wasted a lot of time on this woman and that the obsessing (her word) is keeping me down. The constant comparing, the constant feeling of not being good enough, the constant digging into their history. She feels I have to find myself again

This I agree with. Find yourself. I think she is on the right track and sorry I doubted it before. And, I agree with you that your H definitely needs IC. He hasn't even begun to process the A much less the knowledge of what his mother did. I wonder if his A wasn't "insurance" against you having an affair because that's what he thinks wives/mothers do?

In addition, his attitude of not bookins something because he doesn't want to do it unless he knows you are going to have a good time is complete and utter bullshit. How about he books it and HELPS you have a good time.HE does what is necessary so you DO have a good time. Sounds very selfish to me.

As far as the weird feelings out, I finally stopped wearing my wedding/engagement ring a couple of months ago to keep up the pretenses. First, since I am pretty athletic nobody noticed anyway as I don't wear them while playing. Second, don't worry what others think hon, just be.

Finally, I knew you would respond to the "all men are assholes comment", I did it for your boys. They don't deserve to inherit the mantle of the actions of their father. They have a wonderful mother and will be wonderful men.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, November 19th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So Lost - I am glad his therapy is going well. I am a little concerned about his unwillingness to talk to you about it. I think it is good he is handling it on is own but after years and years of self-neglect on his part, I would be worried that he is not really committed to it...that he might just be going through the motions. I am sure it is exhausting for him. Is there a way to set aside some time after it is done to talk about what he has learned?


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, November 19th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello tribe.

I had my 2nd IC appointment today. We bounced between numerous things....but she left with saying that although it may be too early she eventually wants to work on discovering what was going on years ago when I wasn't as interested in sex with WH. (That specifically because that was the first example I gave her of how I contributed to the problems in our relationship.) It's really hard for me not to look at his stuff- to blame such as WH not being emotional available for me, working too much, etc. But that's not what she wants and since I've been thinking about it....when I re-read letters I had written him within the first 2 years of our relationship I was then mentioning the sex "problems". So....I've been thinking....why the lack of sex so early on?

This IC seems to have worked with infidelity quite a bit as everything I express in disbelief and can't understand- makes sense to her. She also shared a partial story of one of her former clients dealing with infidelity & some books that former clients have recommended. So....that's where I am...along with 2 drinks- headed to the fridge for #3.


how are you all?


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 3:47 AM, November 20th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning tribe.
Just bobbing back in before I get stuck into the long loonnnng list of things to get done today, so I may be gone a while …..

I wonder if his A wasn't "insurance" against you having an affair because that's what he thinks wives/mothers do?

Interesting thought Shirley. I know he was partly wanting me to because he said he would not chastise nor berate me for falling into the same honey-sweet trap, but I don’t think it’s bound up with his mother. I reckon it was wondering if he had made the right choice in me and he would only know that by going back to MOW/ex-gf. He was undecided for a long, long time. He was actually doing things as “insurance” or assurance that I wouldn’t cheat – particularly the cards in which he wrote iLY so much, the best thing I did was marrying you, ILY and that’s forever, thank you for being you, etc, etc. I should have realised it was odd, but at the time I just thought it was sweet. One time he bought me a bouquet of flowers for every month for a year at a promises auction. Guess happiness and guilt fuelled his generous spirit.

I did it for your boys. They don't deserve to inherit the mantle of the actions of their father.

Does anyone find it odd that they don’t know? Is this something that will come out in the future when one of us will feel compelled to confess and they (just like FWH) will realise what these two plus years have been all about? The knowledge doesn’t seem to have caused either of us to see FWH’s mum in a different light, but my fear is that the boys will lose all respect for their father who has done this to their mother. Or worse, hate and despise him as I think DS1&3 would. DS2 would be very concerned and probably would put off his travelling and DS4 would become insecure.

One thing I do know is that I will not encourage the boys to settle down, and any future DIL’s I will advise to keep their career options open and not be SAHW&M for more than the minimum. And only have the children they can afford to raise single handedly (that goes for my sons as well as partners). Guess I have moved over to the pessimistic view of long term relationships from the happy ever after contentment I though I had.
*****
SoL – I agree with Shirley about leaving the discussions until the therapy is finished. Then he’ll be able to look at the week and reflect on the thing as a whole rather than a sum of parts and maybe he’ll come to the conclusions and a redirection in life you are both seeking. Don’t worry about him withholding – it’s understandable.
*****
Whatnow – So is that what it was about, he just wanted sex and OW’s were obliging with no strings attached? This could be far reaching in finding out about yourself and your sexuality. Your IC sounds good. Are you comfortable discussing sex issues with her?

Better go, stuff is calling to be done. Have a good day everyone. And to LostH – hope the house feels like home already!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, November 21st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's verrrry quiet in here.

Am I a thread killer?

If anyone comes in, please send me some protective thoughts for tomorrow. I will be with UKg2 who's H is moving out. Unbelievable - he's in crisis and literally running away.

Hope LostH has found her way back in here, or at least found what she has lost!

Have a good weekend gang!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, November 21st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi UKG - it is very quiet here this week. I've got my grandson for the weekend so you won't be seeing me because when I'm not chasing him around the house, I'm crashing on the sofa.
Hope everyone has a peaceful weekend.
Hugs to all.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurt789
♀ Member
Member # 20937
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, November 21st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Everyone. I hope you are all doing well. I hate to barge in but I am desperate for some insight and I thought you guys would be able to help

I am having a hard time understanding some things. I have spoke to my WH about it and he has answered me, but its not sinking in.

One thing is that I dont understand how he could be with the OW for all these years, put her first - in every aspect, then without hesitation, dump her on D-Day and establish NC. Everything I know they did, things they did for each other, places he took her he wouldnt take me...now knowing that during the A he believed her, everything she would tell him (I wasnt right for him, they were soulmates, she made him happy, not me..ect) and I figure he really left me 5 yrs into our marriage and he was really with her for almost 15 yrs..and it was getting "more intense" (his words) over the last few years. He says he wasnt in love with her, but how could he not of been?!?!
How can he now say he doesnt even think about her, that he doesnt want that kind of life anymore after living it for most his life. That he truly loves me and has always loved me, that he wished it was me he was doing those things with and not her (of course durning the A he didnt, he is realizing this now)I just dont understand it. Was it really just a game to him and once he got caught the game was over?!?! Have any of you experienced these feelings? How did you work through them. Did you ever come to somewhat understand?Is my WH just a mean evil person with no compasion for other people, or was he really living in a fantasy world that he couldnt or did not want to get out of? He says he did things with her (non-sexual) and bought her things, gave her money, to more or less pay for her services. That she was just a whore. But if thats all she was, then nothing needed to be purchased for her, she would of done it anyway. Why did he have to tell her he loved her all these years if he says now he didnt. All my answers are that he did it for himself, that he was only out for him. If he was nicer to her than he was me, and she knew it, then she would do more for and with him, take more risk. He said he knew I wasnt going anywhere, no matter how he treated me but if he wasnt extra nice to her, she would end his fun. Plus if they ended it, I and her H would find out cause he says it would of been to weird still hanging around them and we would of questioned why they didnt want our familes to hang out anymore. My WH now understands how stupid that sounds..lets keep fucking so no one will know...
I know I am rambling, sorry. I just cant get over how his feelings just stop for her and are turned right back on for me, like a light switch. Any insight from those of you that have been through this in LTA, I would greatly appriciate. Hugs to all

[This message edited by hurt789 at 2:56 PM, November 21st (Friday)]


BS 40
WS 43
MARRIED 20
TOGATHER 22
1 PERFECT DAUGHTER
DDAY7/13/08
LTA - ALWAYS


Posts: 240 | Registered: Sep 2008
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, November 21st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is quiet this week! I hope that the saying "No News is Good News" holds true here. For myself, my health has take a nose dive so I've been sleeping a lot and very foggy when I'm awake. FWH and I had an unpleasant evening before he went out of town but for the first time since Dday I did not have a meltdown while home alone (just a lot of journalling and research). He was consistent in calling me while away and there were no boundary issues. Progress???

I just cant get over how his feelings just stop for her and are turned right back on for me, like a light switch.

Hurt789... I have the same dilemma... wish I knew the answer. I'm totally baffled by my FWH's LTA with a subordinate co-worker and his reasons/explanation almost 2 yrs later.

Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, November 21st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurt – the first thing is that love is not the same as intensity. Intensity is unreality. It cannot be sustained as it is self destructing by nature. The idea of believing her as his soulmate was a fantasy. If he truly believed it, he would have left in a nanosecond. So, that is not what he wanted in reality. He wasn’t in love, he was in limerance. Not the same at all. Read the posts re toxic love, I can’t remember where it is, but if you can’t find it, I have a copy to PM you!! My FWH also used the phrase “it was just a game”. It was part of the game to tell her what she wanted to hear, it was part of the game to ask her to marry him, it was part of the game to envisage those happy ever after moments. Fuck, it was even part of the game to imagine the children they might have had! My FWH also paid for her on his expenses (I get a warm feeling about that, like she wasn’t worth his own money) and she was his escape. For a while. Until she became a threat which was after some years, I gather. Soooo, he carried on fucking her (that must have been so hard – no pun intended) and telling her he loved her and saying how he couldn’t wait for the time to pass to see her, blah-di-blah crap. She was willing to take the risk because she felt she had more to win and less to lose. For H it was vice versa. Your H kept the equilibrium because it was easier in the short term, it was the status quo. Nothing more. I made the point to FWH of how stupid it sounded that he claimed to be fucking OW to keep the secret and keep her away from me rather than confess at some time earlier. He said he was buying time and looking/waiting for an exit. Still, I couldn’t fathom how that was So fucking difficult. Just tell her it was over. But he couldn’t in case it brought dday closer and he couldn’t deal with the thought of losing me. Whatever.

And you saying it was him switching her on and off like a light switch. FWH tried to explain by saying that’s exactly what she was. A bright lightbulb, on or off. And I was the sun, always there.

Another analogy was that the affair was like a book. He’d pick up, read a chapter or a few pages, or if it was interesting, a couple of chapters. Then he’s close the book and go back to his real life. True compartmentalisation. If it helps, I don’t get it either. Hope this makes sense. (((((hurt789)))))

ETA: A bit more on the lightbulb theory. She was like the light bulb. On or off, but there was nothing of value or warmth there, it was the room he was in. He said I was the sunshine, warm, reassuring, nourishing, constant and (naff as it may sound) life.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 5:10 PM, November 21st (Friday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
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