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User Topic: 180 Support
for_you_I_will
♀ New Member
Member # 22352
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, January 25th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to try the 180, but I'm afraid that if I do, my WS would feel that I have changed my mind about R. And since we are apart (he lives abroad) I am finding it hard to begin. At this point, (19 days since DDay) I am desperate for anything just to communicate with him. Call, text, instant messaging. I get upset when I don't hear from him. I worry that he might breach our NC agreement though he assures me all the time that he will stick to it. Should I do the 180? Won't it drive him away? Won't he feel like I don't love him anymore? This is so hard since we're so far apart and I do miss him terribly. PLease help...

[This message edited by for_you_I_will at 11:05 AM, January 25th (Sunday)]


"You have to find in the deepest deep part of your heart to FORGIVE. Forgive, because that is the only way to HEAL..." ~ms~

Together for 12 years
Highschool Sweethearts
Married for 10 years
BS - Me 28
WS - Him 29
DDAY - January 6, 2009


Posts: 31 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Philippines
LookingforLove
♀ Member
Member # 12002
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, January 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((For You I will))---

I know how you feel. I am terrible at the 180 because I feel like if I do it--I am just pushing him away and he will continue to want to be with OW. But the 180 is suppose to make you stronger, make you not look so pathetic, let your hubby know that you can live your life with him or w/out him. This does not mean that you can't talk to him just that you shouldn't be the one to chase, beg, plead.

Act like you have your own life even if you don't. Don't be so available--he will start wondering where you are/what your doing..

If he ends up breaking no contact--it will be because he wants to and not because if anything you did or did not do...please remember that they made a choice to do what they did and it wasn't because of what you said--didn't say/did--didn't do...

The 180 is a way of investing in you, something he did not do..take back your power, girl! Now if I can only follow thru on this myself--some days 180 goes great--other days I fall flat on my face but when I do, I try to pick myself back up and get back on that 180 horse...

a great way of looking at it is remember when we were real young--that the boy that goo gooed over you, was always there for you, would do anything you said was the one boy you didn't want..same with our H's--they have the same reaction to us when we cling, sound desperate and want to be with them all the time...I always try to remember that analogy when I ask myself if I am doing the right thing...hated the boys that were nice--always went for the bad boys--boy am I paying for that now ;-(
Hugs to you...


Me: BS
Him: WS LTA 6+ yrs
OW: Skank Company HO
Status:
Divorce filed 4-5-11
WH served on 4-6-11 with D papers and NC order.
Divorced: 4/20/12

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Washington State
Moving On Up
♂ Member
Member # 18809
Default  Posted: 12:01 AM, January 27th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dday 2 2 weeks ago, very patch false r for 11months. I moved out 1 week ago. Noises from WS that she is not going to see OM, she hasn't seen him for 11 months. She decided not going now, told me I said thanks for info. Don't need false hope. I must still do 180 and NC. I have felt stronger, but i suspect she is still in contact with OM. I refuse to have any social contact with her till she makes moves to reassure me that it is done and that she really wants to R. Must keep trucking. I need to have some bottom line things happen before i will have anything to do with her that is not biz only, finance , kids etc. I am thinking of filing for d,don't want this to go on indefinitely. She has never really shown remorse and lied up to 2 weeks ago


The first cut is the deepest.
Me BS 53
She FWS 48
Together 21 years

Posts: 83 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: USA
hopegolightly
Member
Member # 22559
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, January 27th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to consciously start the 180. I began with the posts on reaching out with one hand and asserting with the other. I already feel different. I think at first I was so blown away and didn't even want to feel like I could have a life without him, and now I'm taking the smallest little baby steps ever into Something Else, not really sure what. My personal experience of my parents many divorces and all the soc. and psych. classes I have taken have made putting my children through a divorce my greatest reasonable fear. I've always thought I could trust him to never think about doing that to our babies, and now that I know he would over his own lack of selfinsight and ignorance, I'm starting to get angry. Deeply angry.

Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
Moving On Up
♂ Member
Member # 18809
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, January 27th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG WS,maybe becoming FWS, told me today she is done with OM and feels good about it!!
She doesn't think much of SI thinks it is all a bit public. Oh well, you helped see me thru this far.
Talking about R now.
S see this


The first cut is the deepest.
Me BS 53
She FWS 48
Together 21 years

Posts: 83 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: USA
JW123
♀ Member
Member # 21265
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, February 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My whole life I have served my family, and in particular my husband....that is why trying to start the 180 today is going to be hard...it is like going against my own nature.


Him (WS)41
Me (BS) 41
3 beautiful children
D -Day 13 October 2008
He moved out - 1st June 2009.
Divorced - 29/11/2011
He lives with OP now
Married 15 years. Known him 21 years
(Although I suspected, denial is quite a thing)

Posts: 483 | Registered: Oct 2008
LookingforLove
♀ Member
Member # 12002
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, February 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JW123--
Of course it's hard. We are programmed to do everything for them. I still fix my H's dinner plate and make his lunch for him--how sick is that after all the BS he has put me thru? I still do it though cause it's out of habit--something I have done for years..Can't seem to help myself..I don't do it one night and then the next I find myself doing it w/o thinking about what I am doing--habit!

He doesn't deserve it--he doesn't deserve the wifely things I do for him.

It seems that they you need you to do these things for the stability factor.. it's comfortable and expected..makes everything to them seem normal. While the OW is out of the norm which is part of the thrill..

The 180 is hard cause it's doing something that is not in our nature..take baby steps. Change one thing, just one and be consistent about it. Then add another thing and so on...

Hopefully, I will get to the place where I no longer do the dinner plate or lunch thing..I'm working on it...

Hugs to You!!


Me: BS
Him: WS LTA 6+ yrs
OW: Skank Company HO
Status:
Divorce filed 4-5-11
WH served on 4-6-11 with D papers and NC order.
Divorced: 4/20/12

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Washington State
naivegirl
♀ Member
Member # 14234
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, February 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JW123
Hope the 180 went well today. Remember to try and put that energy you used to focus on serving him into doing nice things for yourself. It is hard at first but it will come more naturally with time. Make a list of some nice things you'd like to do for you.


Me BS 39
Him WH 38

D-day #1 Jan 31 2007
D-Day #2 March 25 2007
Roll on Roll on Roller Coaster
We're one day older and one step closer
Roll on there's mountains to climb
Roll on we're on borrowed time
-Kid Rock

Working on Re


Posts: 1733 | Registered: Apr 2007
UnbearablySadd
♀ Member
Member # 18150
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, February 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Moving, that's great news! Be sure that you continue the 180. Don't let hope of true R set you back in your own personal healing and growth.

So happy for you that WW may be becoming FORMER!!!

Warmly

Us

[This message edited by UnbearablySadd at 10:16 PM, February 2nd (Monday)]


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGQd8M5t4Ao&NR=1

it's all about James Hunter, now ;)

And here's the 180 link:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=256092


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: This side of R that side of S
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, February 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 10976 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
tinkerbell1984
♀ New Member
Member # 23075
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, March 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tried the 180 last night when I got home from work and I definately didnt expect it to work as quickly as it did!!

My fiance usually loves to talk about his day at work in the evenings and catch up on gossip, etc but last night I just took the advise of the 180, didnt offer too much conversation and kept all my limited remarks pleasant.

I even said "good night" before I went to bed which i rarely do now.

The whole night he kept asking me random qusetions about my day to get me talking. He had this weird expression on his face like "whats up with her?".

Tonight when i get home from work after walking the dog, I'm grabbing my gym gear and going to get a good workout in and lay in the sauna for an hour afterwards to extend my time away from home.

Its time to let him sweat a little....

Thanks so much for your help!!!!!


Posts: 7 | Registered: Mar 2009
humboldtmom
♀ Member
Member # 21569
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, March 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How does 180 work for those of you that don't do this naturally? I'm so darn OPEN. I've managed 180 in the past for very short periods of time, but as soon as I let my guard down I do the opposite! It just doesn't feel happy for me and I have to **try** so hard to do 180. Any advice?


Me BS - 32
FWH - 34 - 1.5yr PA (with my sister, RIP)
Together 13y Married 10y
3 children: 10 & 9 & 1 1/2
D-Day 9/08

Posts: 223 | Registered: Nov 2008
sofresh
♀ Member
Member # 22912
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, March 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

just a tip. We recently spearated our phone plans...part of Sing.
he started texting me, and WOW i realize that with texting I don't get dragged into his manipulation and I can stop myself from saying something I will later regret.
I believe my bill will be much higher, but it's a small price to pay for sanity.
Try it...or keep it to email

He hates this, but I can't lose. He keeps writing "if you want to talk call me!"

[This message edited by sofresh at 9:28 AM, March 27th (Friday)]


ME BW 30 & DS 14 mos.
STBXWH 38 sociopath, SA living with OW 25
D day #1
4 F/R's and corresponding D days
For unhealthy relationships, Dr Seuss would probably say to us…
“Be happy its over, don't cry because it happened”

Posts: 630 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: NY
sofresh
♀ Member
Member # 22912
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, March 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is thge proper way to respond when WH syas things condecendingly such as...

"You should be giving the baby tylenol every 4 hours."

"You need to be more responsible."

"He'll be too warm in there, God forbid he dies in his sleep."

I know I need to try to avoid conflict...how do I take these criticisms.


ME BW 30 & DS 14 mos.
STBXWH 38 sociopath, SA living with OW 25
D day #1
4 F/R's and corresponding D days
For unhealthy relationships, Dr Seuss would probably say to us…
“Be happy its over, don't cry because it happened”

Posts: 630 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: NY
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, March 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How about "I respect your thoughts but I don’t agree. I don’t care to argue about this."

What an ass sofresh... he's trying to level the playing field by blaming you for the child being sick.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
sofresh
♀ Member
Member # 22912
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, March 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lol
He's the ass that got him sick in the first place...he'll get his due. I am going away this weekend to visit a friend and he's home with the babe.


ME BW 30 & DS 14 mos.
STBXWH 38 sociopath, SA living with OW 25
D day #1
4 F/R's and corresponding D days
For unhealthy relationships, Dr Seuss would probably say to us…
“Be happy its over, don't cry because it happened”

Posts: 630 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: NY
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, March 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope you have a fun weekend planned!


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
betrayed4ever
♂ Member
Member # 23444
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, June 23rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey guys, My WW and I decided to S and D eventually...well actually she wanted it, not me. Anyway, doing the 180 has been saving my sanity and posting here helps too.

Since my WW is so adamant that her feelings won't change for me, should I even try to "ask" her on a date? I'm just afraid if I keep doing the 180 and ignore her that she will definitely think that I have moved on and everything is fine.


Me: BH, late 30's
DS6 (one awesome kid!)
Separated: July 2009

Posts: 149 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Twilight Zone
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, June 23rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

B4E - she's adamant that her feelings won't change. You want to ask her out on a date. That will come across as being so needy that you're willing to accept scraps from her. You need to learn how to respect yourself - that includes drawing up boundaries so that you don't allow yourself to be hurt and surrender up who you are. The 180 thing to do would be to put the focus on your life and move forward. She's welcome to join you, but you're not going to let her hold you back because you're a confident, functioning, capable, and independent individual.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
betrayed4ever
♂ Member
Member # 23444
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, June 23rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks SerJR...I needed that.


Me: BH, late 30's
DS6 (one awesome kid!)
Separated: July 2009

Posts: 149 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Twilight Zone
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