I think I might be doing a subconscious 180 on my husband simply because I naturally don't want to talk to him, laugh with him, cook for him, wash for him, or do anything for or with him anymore after finding out.
I think the idea for the 180 stems naturally from our instincts to tune him out following his A. I like the added points of smiling, ignoring, etc...although those parts take a LOT more effort for me! LOL But I'm working on it.
"May you always kiss the one you please, and always please the one you kiss".
When i have momentary blips of feeling over emotional or affected i journal instead of tryin to communicate with him. This has now become the reason we have no emotional connection (according to him). Journalling is not normal behaviour so he told me!
I have joined college and i am loving it. However, he isnt! He constantly sulks because i have new friends and new ideas. He is upset that i will be spending lots of time doing homework and to him that is going to have an impact on our lives. Why? because homework means less time to fuss over him!
Hubby has just been diagnosed with diabetes and told he can control it with diet alone. He has always been a big over eater and piled on the pounds over the last 5 years. I have asked him so many times "when do you look in the mirror and recognise you need to lose some weight". He has always told me to mind my own business despite me worrying about his health. I mean our sex life has been almost none existant because of it.
Armed with his diagnosis i am now the one to blame. I feed him and therefore i am the one who has made him like he is!!!! (nothing to do with gorging on chocolate and unhealthy snacks after every meal).
He has hardly spoken for a week but giving out the facial gestures that are trying to tell me he is not happy with me.
Any ideas how to handle this?
Sounds like a "win win" opportunity to me. How many of these things would give him full control of his diet?
He does the grocery shopping
He does the cooking
He chooses and buys his own "snacks"
You are not available for dinners out.
You never mention his weight or his food choices.
We kind of share this problem btw, I have always done the grocery shopping and cooking in our house, my wife is diabetic, and a SA. I haven't gone so far as to turn the grocery shopping over to her because she is also a gambling addict and we can't afford to give her access to my checking account. But I have asked her for a list of what she wants in the house. We each do our own cooking now. Saves me a lot of time. She likes to blame me for her problems,not just her weight, but this one is now entirely in her court. The more of her problems that are "my fault" I put in her court the happier I am. It's kind of peaceful being the guy who takes care of his own chit but not hers.
by the way I am 6'1" and 173 lbs. She is 5'5" and 176 lbs. lmao at her weight being my "fault"
[This message edited by Stop at 6:12 AM, October 1st (Thursday)]
He is such a victim! Its been 4 weeks now and he has hardly said a few words to me. He wont talk about his diabetes. He wont talk about why he is overly quiet. He has lost all affection for me. He comes home from work and sits at his pc till 9pm and then the television takes over. No conversation whatsoever. I have asked him if he is feeling ok and got told "stop being stupid, why shouldnt i be feeling ok"?. We had friends round at the weekend, friends he confesses to dislike yet he sat there and told them all about how being diagnosed as having diabetes had rocked his world and made him feel pretty down and saddened by it. He told them all about his plans to get healthy and how he was going to attempt to control his weight.
Charming! I get all the mood swings, silent treatment and they walk in and get his thoughts and feelings.
Right now i am very angry about it.
Remember - he needs to be angry at you to have a valid reason in his mind for why he's cheating. If he can treat you like dirt, then he can assume that the reason to do so exists. Truly, it is akin to a spoiled child screaming "I hate you" because you took away their sugar. It's all about putting up a shitstorm so thick that he doesn't have to look at himself.
Of course, he still needs that validation from external sources to help convince himself of the lies he tells himself. This is where he plays everyone else for a fool and makes himself out to be the noble martyr.
I suggest that you take away his audience and that you go out with your friends without him. You may also want to consider the pros/cons of exposing his behaviour to these external sources that he relies on.
Also, you really need to learn how to have a conversation with him without leaving him openings to attack you. This is where you want to treat him as you would say... a cashier at the grocery store. Learn some closing lines such as "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "Hey, I'd love to chat but my bean burrito is ready". Those little messages say much more than arguing for an hour.
Oh this is just so hard. You see the post on the opposite of the 180...that is me to a tea.
Can someone please tell me that I'm going to be ok, that I can do this and become a better person for it??
I tried to be a jovial and non-caring as I could. He asked me "what was wrong" I said "nothing why do you ask".
His response was that I sounded funny. I guess funny because I'm usually the pathetic one.
For me the 180 was very good information but really wasn't valuable until I was actually able to let go of the outcome. In other words not even consider how she felt about my behavior.
My activities now mirror the 180 list with boundaries (walls actually because my wife is still acting out, in denial, and not remorseful) It's all about your motivation. My guess is if you are trying to "get his attention" or manipulate his behavior in any way, that the 180 will be very tough on you and probaby will not accomplish your goals.
On the other hand if you truly let go of the outcome and act soley to protect yourself and to enhance your own life. Your future is bright whether you eventually decide to be with him or not.
Just my 2 cents and I hope you don't take it negatively because it is intended to help you, not hurt you.
I havent read all the posts on this thread yet but intend to, any input/inspiration and guidence is appreciated.
Sorry you are dealing with this, glad you came here you will find a lot of moral support here.
Since I don't know any details of your situation I willbe careful about giving advice except to tell you it is important to be true to yourself and who you are. Take care of yourself (open your own account if appropriate for instance with the idea of always keeping it and setting aside your own private nest egg even if you do work things out?)
If withdrawing 180 style seems appropriate to you, do that, you have every right to your feelings and choices in the matter; be sure you give yourself credit for what you can do and your own personal power.
Carefully check your motivations before you say or do anything. I advise you not to do anything or withhold doing anything for the purpose of controlling or manipulating him. Just do for yourself. He will notice.
Keep posting and welcome.
Also, how am I supposed to deal with his blatant rudeness, i.e., reaching in front of me and squeezing past me without saying excuse me? Do I just ignore it and realize that it's just a part of treating me coldly so that he can justify his being wrong?
Another question: how am I supposed to act cheerful when we barely talk? Do I whistle? Put on a smile? Put a bounce in my step?
It's also entirely possible that I'm just doing this all wrong :) From my personal point of view, the behaviors listed for 180 seem to make me act like a dick towards my WW. That's not really my objective, and everytime she gets sad, she just calls the OM for comfort.
I get concentrating on me, and I do exercise, diet, drink (only sometimes, and in moderation) and do other things that I find enjoyable. But I don't get the silence and coldness towards my wife.
Well, I read through the 180 for the nth time and read SerJr's 180 interpretation, which is quite good BTW (pg 1 on this thread). Yesterday, I read through all the pages on this thread (yes, I know I'm spending too much time on SI obsessing).
So I put all my studies into practice yesterday...and, boy was I bad at it. I was just a grumpy a-hole. I guess scipio summarized my first attempt at 180:
It's also entirely possible that I'm just doing this all wrong :) From my personal point of view, the behaviors listed for 180 seem to make me act like a dick towards my WW.
I think I need more practice, but it is somewhat difficult living under the same roof. I read through this entire thread looking for tips on how to formulate my own 180, given my circumstances and given the fact that I am living w/ WW and have 4 kids which are keeping a keen eye on us parents.
The couple of nuggets of info that I found in this thread that I will try to implement include:
1) don't be an a-hole - be indiferent in a polite and cordial way,
2) A small smile when you pass him/her in the hall (like a stranger on the street?) helps make it less uncomfortable.
3) Do not ignore - yes/no or very brief answers delivered pleasantly/politely are easy.
4) Do not offer or volunteer ANYTHING.
Wish me luck and any other tips for 180 with kids and under same roof would be helpful.
Maybe I won't be an a-hole on my 2nd day at 180
I am doing it lovingly but damn it's hard. Sometimes I get very frustrated sometimes I am angry but I simply walk away with a forced smile.