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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 180 Support
LookingforLove
♀ Member
Member # 12002
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, October 22nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I am doing okay so far on the 180--came home from work yesterday and oldest son told me he broke the hose on the kitchen sink fawcett--don't know how that happens but it has a hole in it and has to be replaced. H never said a word to me about it so I didn't say anything. 3 hours later when I was in my office H comes in and says "you know tyler broke the fawcett right?" I said "I know--he told me." Then he said "I am going to get another one tomorrow and replace it--the one with both knobs instead of the one with one handle and sprayer." I said fine--he left my office to go get his own plate of Dinner (I cook but no longer fix his plate)--then he went to work. This morning I had a parent teacher conference and came in to work 2 hours late--Noticed there was a hangup on my work VM so I checked the cell phone records on line and saw that he called his dad in SC and talked for 40 minutes and then called me twice but never left a message--go figure....


Me: BS
Him: WS LTA 6+ yrs
OW: Skank Company HO
Status:
Divorce filed 4-5-11
WH served on 4-6-11 with D papers and NC order.
Divorced: 4/20/12

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Washington State
broknhearted
♀ Member
Member # 14806
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, October 23rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LFL -
I have a similar story, so after careful review, I am also going to try the 180 - WH is still living in MY house. I have asked him to make other living arrangements, but he is hell bent on staying to "work on the marriage." We have been doing this for almost four years. I don't think there is a marriage to work on and have told him so. But, I will no longer allow him to push the panic button with me and will not loose my temper, cry, carry on. If he wants to stay in a house with a woman he has treated so badly and no longer trusts or believes him, that is his business. In the meantime, I am looking up the 180 and starting this today. I think I have skirted the 180 to date, (since the finding of the 2ND SECRET CELL PHONE on 9/17/08), but now, I will try to become an avid student.
Thanks for the suggestion. Good luck to you. This is really not what I wanted...but who does? I love my husband...but I am not willing to continue to be the doormat I have become. So, that's me...becoming a NON-DOORMAT. I am giving myself one week on the 180 and then, I will review. Hopefully, this will enable me to find me again!


Will I ever be the same?

Posts: 164 | Registered: May 2007 | From: by the Falls...
LookingforLove
♀ Member
Member # 12002
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, October 24th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So far so good on the 180--H called me yesterday at work. We have caller ID at work so I could see it was him calling me and I answered the phone by saying "what's up?" he was taken back by my greeting and didn't saying anything for a few sections--then went into the sink dilemma..I said fine to whatever he said--a couple minutes of silence and he said "well I just called to tell you that" I said okay-bye"

Went to the hairdresser after work and chopped off most of my hair--imagine a black woman with a pixie cut--went home--he said he loved it--I don't care cause I did it for me.. New look--new me..180 diet full speed ahead..now if I could just keep resisting him in the bedroom over the weekend..I'll be good..Any suggestions for that since I really miss sex??


Me: BS
Him: WS LTA 6+ yrs
OW: Skank Company HO
Status:
Divorce filed 4-5-11
WH served on 4-6-11 with D papers and NC order.
Divorced: 4/20/12

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Washington State
Grinder
♀ Member
Member # 21322
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, October 25th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LFL:
IMO: I think if it feels good for YOU, go ahead! I do not see resisting in the 180, maybe just not initiating anything.

(pixies look hot on any color woman)


"Midway upon the journey of life, I found myself within a forest dark For the straightforward path had been lost" Dante

Posts: 105 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Valley of the Sun
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, October 25th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

now if I could just keep resisting him in the bedroom over the weekend..I'll be good..Any suggestions for that since I really miss sex??

A vibrator and remembering how contaminated his hands and lips and (other body parts) are. Sometimes I wish my stbx would hold me, then I think about the A, and I lose desire for that.

I disagree with sleeping with WS. First of all, you have to use protection because God knows what he/she has. Second of all, you get emotional again. Third, THEY get to eat cake with you and the OW.


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
Divorcing! Stupid in house separation though

Posts: 864 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
UnbearablySadd
♀ Member
Member # 18150
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, October 27th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think (and clearly I'm no expert here) that you can do the 180 whether you're trying to R or not.

This is a great point, KJAC!

When one reads Ser's helpful explanation of the 180 on this thread, we can see that it is about building a stronger,. better ourselves.

That way, no matter what the outcome of spouse's affair is, we are improved and have started the path to healing.

Looking, I have to laugh! I had the hairdresser start to take my hair color from way blonde back to natural way dark brown. WH (who adores the golden even more than he adores long hair), says "oh what a nice color."

ROFLMAO - the funny part? Something had gone wrong with the coloring and my hair was actually part GREEN!!!

YAY US!! GO US!!! WE ROCK!!

180's all around!!!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGQd8M5t4Ao&NR=1

it's all about James Hunter, now ;)

And here's the 180 link:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=256092


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: This side of R that side of S
UnbearablySadd
♀ Member
Member # 18150
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, October 27th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What about this idea?

Each week we take one of Ser's remastered 180 points and share our struggles and successes with it?

Or is that 'too book clubby?' for folks?

I think it might help us see how we are doing in a concrete way :)


1) Master your thoughts.

Ultimately, you determine what thoughts you give attention to and those thoughts will set into motion the dynamics that will affect you. If you tend to focus on the negative you increase the probability that you will become your own worst enemy. It is important to realise how your thoughts create your expectations of the future. By increasing your positive focus you will increase the chances of bringing in positive energy to your life. This does not mean that you’re being unrealistic or naive. It simply means that you are choosing to focus your thoughts and energy on success instead of failure and on the good parts of your life instead of the bad. You want to cultivate the thoughts that you want to have through positive affirmation.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGQd8M5t4Ao&NR=1

it's all about James Hunter, now ;)

And here's the 180 link:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=256092


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: This side of R that side of S
SadMommie
♀ Member
Member # 17718
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, October 28th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great idea UnbearablySad!!

I am having trouble with this in general. i am 19 months out and I give way to much time (or power) to thoughts concerning the OW and the OC. Any advice is welcome.


Me - 36
H - 35
Kids - D-6years, S-3year
OC - 2 year old
OW - POS crazy 25 year old
D-Day - April 10, 2007

"I am where I am because of the bridges that I crossed." - Oprah Winfrey

"Excuse me, what level of Hell is this?" - Bu


Posts: 91 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Virginia
ImperfectAngel
♀ Member
Member # 12502
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, October 28th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read alot about people talking about 180. Can someone tell me where I can find this information.

Thanks


Married 16 years
FWS/BS H
FBS/WS W

Posts: 179 | Registered: Oct 2006
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, October 28th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's the link:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
LookingforLove
♀ Member
Member # 12002
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, October 28th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I always have trouble with my thoughts. Especially the one of me beating the shit out of the OW..I just try on focusing on something else, like beating the shit out of my H...

Seriously, though I am really trying to think about me and what I need right now which is to concentrate on my needs, self-worth, not being a doormat, getting my confidence back to not take any more of this/his crap and be the person that I always wanted and knew I could be...
Go 180's....


Me: BS
Him: WS LTA 6+ yrs
OW: Skank Company HO
Status:
Divorce filed 4-5-11
WH served on 4-6-11 with D papers and NC order.
Divorced: 4/20/12

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Washington State
UnbearablySadd
♀ Member
Member # 18150
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, October 29th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dear SadMommie, you are in an unbelievably tough situation!

What you are facing is more than many need to understand, manage.

However, when i read this:

Master your thoughts.

Ultimately, you determine what thoughts you give attention to and those thoughts will set into motion the dynamics that will affect you. ... By increasing your positive focus you will increase the chances of bringing in positive energy to your life. ...choosing to focus your thoughts and energy on success instead of failure and on the good parts of your life instead of the bad.

I am trying to process what that would mean in your specific situation.

What about some of the following?

This child is blameless.

My husband failed me, but he is human.

The OW is in a terrible situation - most people will forever judge her for her actions, and she carries the "Scarlet A" with her forever via OC.

I am a kind and loving person and am working to accept my husband's choices resulting in terrific extended pain for me.

I am thinking about "worst case" future situations and the actions I can take to empower me and create peace, love and calm in these future times.

I am a strong woman. I can understand weaknesses. I can feel terrible pains. yet, i am still loving and seek to understand.

My compassionate heart reaches out to this poor OC, and is working to be ready to offer love to my WH as he develops himself to be my loving and committed partner.

When I am hurt and overwhelmed, I give time, space and gentleness to myself. I provide myself a calm space to rejuvenate. I ask for help in healing.

I hope I am not too off target here, but you can imagine how these types of positive affirmations can help you feel in control of your emotions and reactions.

Warmly


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGQd8M5t4Ao&NR=1

it's all about James Hunter, now ;)

And here's the 180 link:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=256092


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: This side of R that side of S
UnbearablySadd
♀ Member
Member # 18150
Default  Posted: 12:16 AM, October 29th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I always have trouble with my thoughts. Especially the one of me beating .... I am ...concentrate (ing) on my needs, self-worth, not being a doormat, getting my confidence back
.

Dear Looking, What a great focus!! :) :)

Who amongst us isn't rageful now and then? Being angry and devastated is draining and hurtful to ourselves, but without feeling the pain we are unable to choose to heal.

I remind myself, "it is never about OW, it is always about poor choices on part of my WH."

This is ever more important this week as i discovered yesterday that he is still seeing OW #1. (A true lying skank).

He chooses her b/c of how she makes *him* feel. It is not about me, per se, or her (morbidly ugly).

I choose to be the friend, neighbor, daughter, mother, and even wife I know myself to be. it may never be "right" (or enough) for WH, but it is who I am.

I embrace the chance to learn more about myself and ways I can change and grow.

Warmly,


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGQd8M5t4Ao&NR=1

it's all about James Hunter, now ;)

And here's the 180 link:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=256092


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: This side of R that side of S
LookingforLove
♀ Member
Member # 12002
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, October 29th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unbearablysadd--
Know how you feel--my recent D-Day was a couple of weeks ago when I found out he had went to hotel with OW--I thought there was hope as well that it was over...

And you're right--it really isn't about OW although I do think mines does bear some blame because our kids are friends..H is totally responsible for his choices..and I do need to re-direct my focus on me..he certainly isn't...Hugs to you!


Me: BS
Him: WS LTA 6+ yrs
OW: Skank Company HO
Status:
Divorce filed 4-5-11
WH served on 4-6-11 with D papers and NC order.
Divorced: 4/20/12

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Washington State
UnbearablySadd
♀ Member
Member # 18150
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, October 29th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And you're right--it really isn't about OW although I do think mines does bear some blame because our kids are friends..H is totally responsible for his choices..and I do need to re-direct my focus on me..

LFL, what a pickle - kids friends, and some of the parents are acting like kids (grrrr!).

Make sure you are taking care of yourself, so that you can take care of your kids.

If you haven't yet, do what HeavyE often advises: seek legal counsel so you know how to protect you and kids in worst case scenario.

That is the stage I am at now. Asked WH to move out (he is being difficult about it), and trying to get things "tidied up" on the house and finances. It is awful b/c I want to kick his butt to the curb and take out billboards letting the world know about him, but my kids need the health insurance he provides (he is step dad), so I have to be an adult.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGQd8M5t4Ao&NR=1

it's all about James Hunter, now ;)

And here's the 180 link:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=256092


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: This side of R that side of S
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, October 30th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UBS,

That is the stage I am at now. Asked WH to move out (he is being difficult about it), and trying to get things "tidied up" on the house and finances. It is awful b/c I want to kick his butt to the curb and take out billboards letting the world know about him, but my kids need the health insurance he provides (he is step dad), so I have to be an adult.

You'red doing the right thing for two big reasons here:
1) If you give into the anger it will consume you - with revenge it is always empty and there's never enough. The emotions that you feed are the ones that will rule you.
2) You gotta play it smart... with your head and not your heart. Your ultimate goal is to ensure both you and your children's future... sometimes we do have to modify our tactics to keep to the end strategy. Sometimes that means that we must sacrifice the occasional battle to win the war.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
soldieron
♀ Member
Member # 21466
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, November 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i guess i need a little support here. i am trying to work the 180 and have my good days and bad as far as that goes. but i feel like it is asking me not to be me, and that might just work out ok for my H. i am a passionate woman and i want to talk about stuff that bothers me. H at some point just doesnt want to hear about it anymore. even when my mom died i felt like i was given about a month to grieve and then i was supposed to be done.
but i am working on not nagging or offering advice but it feels like this is working out better for him than it is for me. i just feel like my emotions don't count. that can't be right, right? what am i doing wrong.


when there's nothing left to burn
you have to set yourself on fire

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: pacific northwest
LookingforLove
♀ Member
Member # 12002
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, November 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

soldieron---
I have the same problem. I would ignore and H would ignore me. I didn't talk, never stayed in the same room with him (we always watch TV together in the bedroom)..I kept thinking that he liked it that way--he didn't have to answer questions or try to defend what he is doing..

I also kept anticipating what I would say, how I would react when he finally did decide to talk..

He finally started asking me questions here and there last week and I would reply with one or two word answers so as not to encourage conversation..
Now he is trying to engage in more conversation and I still keep it short...
I am still waiting for the big one though on sex...
Haven't touched him in two weeks and not planning on it..when he asks about it or tries to cop a feel (his way of letting me know he wants some) I am going to politely say--"Isn't the OW supplying that need?"

The 180 is hard but worth it..I totally act disinterested in anything he does or says --never question him on what he's doing--that is the hard part because I am dying to know

one thing that I have done that is helping is not being available all the time--I have plans after work, go to the gym, go meet my girlfriends for a drink after work on Fridays. I grocery shop every Saturday--only takes me an hour--I make it four...Let him wonder where you are and what your doing..if he calls you on your cell and asks where you are or what you're doing "say, I am out taking care of some business..what's up? Or even better--don't answer your cell at all and let it go to voice mail...I let mine ring and ring and then tell him that I was obviously in a dead zone and didn't hear it...
These are just my suggestions and I do have my good and bad days but for the most part it's a day by day process..and so far it's working...I am getting stronger and trying to let him know I don't need him.. Some days I could win an Oscar!


Me: BS
Him: WS LTA 6+ yrs
OW: Skank Company HO
Status:
Divorce filed 4-5-11
WH served on 4-6-11 with D papers and NC order.
Divorced: 4/20/12

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Washington State
graham82
♂ Member
Member # 21528
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, November 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question. Is this for all situations or only situations where you hope to reconcile the marriage? My wife had the affair and it is clearly over but now she is leading me to believe she is seeing somebody else. I know I shouldn't care but it tears me apart to think about it. She is adamant about getting the divorce. I said I would be willing to stick it out for the kids. We are still living together and this is how a typical day goes for us.

I work from 9 to 5.
She works from 5 to 8. Weekends she works 12 to 8 on Saturday and 12 to 5 on Sunday.
One of us will leave the house for the night (usually her going out partying coming home at 3am).

Do you think this method would benefit my situation?


Me: 26
WW: 25
Children: D4 and S1
Together 10 years
D-Day: 9/17/08
Filing for Divorce

Posts: 396 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Flint, MI
Ibelieveinlove
♀ Member
Member # 20921
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, November 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was wondering if anyone had any insight on implementing the 180 for the WS.

I am a FWS whose H is very much on the fence and having his own A (even though he denies it)

I get the part about focusing on myself and healing... I am doing that and feeling a drastic change within myself...

But at the same time, I don't want my distance to be perceived by my H as me being unremorseful for my actions or as me throwing in the towel.

Any ideas?


Posts: 276 | Registered: Sep 2008
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