Friday morning I had am IC appt and a couple errands to run and then work. I left him a note saying this is what I had to do and left, he was still sleeping, he works afternoons. I get a text later in the day from his saying. "If I knew you were going to find stuff to do this morning I would have stayed in Lansing". How childish, he told me on thursday he wanted to come home to sleep in his own bed, etc. Nothing about spending time with me. But when I am gone he turns it on me like I am trying to avoid him.
So my response is basically "I am sorry you feel that way", and I keep moving foreward. Here is the way I look at this situation with a WS like ours. We start making progress in ourselves, it bothers them because we aren't the doormat anymore, trying to twist ourselves to "make them happy" When its their own brokeness that prevents them from being happy. So they become like a child pulling at mommies skirt whining "PAY ATTENTION TO ME". We then stop our froward progress, turn to them and say "OH, OK I will take care of you." This stops our forward motion, puts all our energy into them just to get pushed away again, once they know they have put us back in the place they feel comforable with, but we don't feel comfartable there anymore. SO, instead of turning around and stopping our forward progress, we need to keep going and say to them "I am doing..this..its fun..why dont you join me?" Don't let yourself get sucked back into their disfunction.
I am growing and moving forward, WH is more than welcome on the journey. If he chooses to not grow himself then I will outgrow him and he will get left behind.
I don't have to go NC, just not allow him to try and "put me in my place" BTDT. I am rising above this shit storm he brought to my life, he would like to just go back to "normal" NOT! look what happened then, he cheated and I wasn't happy with the way our relationship was before the A. So the version of the 180 I am doing is working on me, meeting my needs, but not allowing him to cross the disfunction line and take me with him.
[This message edited by tearsofjade at 7:02 AM, March 8th (Monday)]
Thank you so much.
1. Chase him down every minute of the day and night. Beg him to come back to you. Get down on your knees and plead for him to come back to you. Appeal to his humanity and capacity for mercy. Make sure you look at him with adoring eyes while you are doing this.
2. Call him frequently. In fact, call him several times a day to remind him that you exist and that you are suffering. Make sure you end each telephone conversation with the words, "I love you, how can you do this to me?"
3. Make sure you point out the "good points" in the marriage. In fact, go to a crafts store and make him a giant scrapbook highlighting all the good points of the marriage. Or better yet, write him a 10-page letter outlining every single good moment you both have had, supplement it with pictures. Make sure you include every single thing you have ever done for him. Deliver it to him in person with a sad look on your face so that he knows how much he has hurt you.
4. Follow him around the house. Be his shadow, this way, he'll know you exist and will think of you instead of the OW.
5. Encourage him to talk about your future. Initiate conversations about your future together. Plan romantic vacations/cruises.
6. Call up his family members and friends. Ask them to help you win him back. They'll be sure to get him on board with the program. The more people you have on your side, the more likely he is to change his mind about the OP. Remember, this IS a popularity contest. This way, you can say, "Look how many people think what you're doing is wrong and how you're a stupid fool for picking the OP over me. Look how many people are on my side" Remember, for every person who is on your side, you get extra points.
7. Ask him to reassure you constantly that he loves you and wants to give the marriage a second chance.
8. Buy him gifts and leave them on his pillow. Bake him his favorite cookies and bring them to him while he's with the OW. It will remind him of how much you love him.
9. Try to schedule dates with him. If he won't go, try to disguise the date by saying he has to do an activity with the kids, and then when he shows up, conveniently forget the kids and just say "We're going out on a date!"
10. Every chance you get, tell him how much you love him. Because lord knows, a cheating man is very lovable.
11. Act as if your life is over without him. Refuse to go out with friends in case he calls or wants to reconcile. Sit by the phone waiting for his call.
12. Always look sad and dejected. This way, he'll remember that he's destroyed you. In fact, if you can, fight with the OW over him in front of him. Just think how attractive and strong you'll look.
14. When your WS is home with you, make sure you constantly talk about the affair and how it is affecting you and the children.
15. Now is the time to start stalking him. You'll be surprised at how stalking evokes feelings of love and commitment.
16. Tell him that you'll never divorce him/her no matter what they do.
17. Always wear attractive sexy clothing when you see your WS. Make sure they know that you are always available for sex and that you'll give it up in a minute. Buy new thong panties and purposely prance around in them. Go to the salon and get first Brazilian waxing — then prance around in thongs some more. Have lots of sex with him and then convince yourself that it's love.
18. If you have kids, now is the time to march them out in front of your WS and show them what they are doing to the kids. If they don't care about you, at least they'll care about what they're doing to the children. Remember, your children are a pawn in the game of "winning back you spouse". Make sure they are always well dressed and polite and never too noisy and argumentative. Instruct the children to look sad and dejected whenever your spouse leaves the house. In fact, cue them to cry, "Daddy, you're leaving Mommy for that whore." Be sure to call the OW constantly and sob and rant hysterically about breaking up your family.
19. Whenever you see your WS, let your face light up. Make them think that you only exist for their benefit.
20. Take an ad out in the local paper and in this ad, list all the things that you love about your spouse and what makes them a great person. Make sure you list their sexual skills in the top 10 reasons why you want to stay married to them.
21. Whenever you get angry at your WS, just remind yourself that they are "IN THE FOG" and that once they come "OUT OF THE FOG" they will love you again. Never let him see you angry.
22. Make MC and IC appointments for them and constantly remind them that they have to go to these sessions. If they skip an appointment, just make another appointment. Eventually, they'll get the message and just start showing up.
23. Make a playlist or CD of your favorite songs that you listened to together. Especially songs that were popular when you first started dating. Have an electrician specially wire your home and their car so that whenever they enter the house, or whenever they drive, these songs will automatically play and your WS will start reminiscing about your marriage and want to come back to you.
24. If you look fat, make sure you lose weight in order to be more attractive to your WS.
25. If you're just plain ugly, get lots of plastic surgery because everyone knows, beautiful people don't get cheated on.
26. Think of winning back your spouse as an audition, or reapplication for a job that you might lose. Submit your resume to him listing all your attributes and outline how you are better than the OP.
27. Get a life size picture of the OP and with permanent marker, notate all their physical deficiencies and present this to your WS over a candlelit dinner. You can even use a laser pointer (you can buy this at Staples) a la Lorenzo Lamas, to point out how they have a big ass or fat thighs. And then, make sure you show them how nice your thighs are even after giving birth to HIS children.
28. Occasionally, wear your wedding dress when you're with your WS. This way, he'll remember why he married you in the first place. Better yet, have the entire wedding party show up at your house and reenact the wedding. Be sure that you get new gifts.
29. Remember to constantly tell your spouse about No Contact with the OP. But if he does have contact, just pretend that you never said anything, and repeat it again.
Eventually, he'll learn that you have boundaries and that he can't overstep them.
30. If all else fails, consider sharing your H with the OW. You could even offer to set up an equitable schedule in Excel. Be sure and offer to send reminder emails to OW when it's her turn. Remember, nothing says "I love you" like a wife who is willing to share her man. Offer to have a 3-some with the OW.
31. Pay for his new apartment, so he can have sex with her without her 4 year old twins getting in the way. Wait for him to fall asleep, go to Wal-Mart and have a copy of his key made. Sneak in while he was at work and snoop. Put a framed picture of your wedding in his sock drawer.
The one thing I have trouble with doing the 180 is the not asking and nonchalant attitude thing. If he IS w/OW and I pretend it doesn't matter I feel like I'm just leaving the door open to more disrespect. Know what I mean?
Anyway for the 1 millionath time thank God for S.I.!!!
I wavered a bit last night, I said good night pleasantly - he was watching tv - but then came back and said "I wish it didn't have to be this way", but didn't respond when he put his hand on my back later.
I'm thinking of getting a necklace or bracelet that I can touch when I start to get too needy, some way of reminding myself that I have given this man chance after chance after chance, and he has still lied.
Anyway, good luck to us all.
I would just send one of those general text that's already on your phone. Happy B-day. Nothing more, nothing less. JMHO though.
Yes, the 180 takes quite the acting skills. That's why I save my curled up in a ball weeping time for when WH is at work.
Whisperingwillow: I love your bracelet idea! I'm going to buy myself a nice ring this week-end, to replace my wedding band and try touching that when I start to waver!
Again thank God for S.I. Doing the 180 is so much nicer with some support!
OK, I'm doing the 180 for real now. It could well be the prelude for separation, but so be it.
I am going to try this. Something has to bring me out of this funk and get me moving.
Do not engage in your normal conversations or routines. This is suppose to show them what living without you is like...this will give you confidence to do things on your own and that you can survive w/o them if need be.
Forgot to add that it makes a better place to be because you are not fighting or trying to control them...
create a little mystery..WS will wonder what you're up to...might take a few days/weeks/months. Their curiosity will get the better of them..
Standard vague but effective answers...
I have plans
I am going out
I am taking care of some business
I have an appt
You may only be going to Walmart but you are out, have plans, have an appt, taking care of some business
[This message edited by LookingforLove at 5:19 PM, June 18th (Friday)]
The first few days i was going ok, but at that time my FWW and I wernt talking anyway, so it was pretty easy. However now that we have a little bit of time between the decision to S and that we now have plenty of things S related to talk through, its becoming a lot harder.
I do not start any non-S discussions but my FWW has engaged me in discussions about her friends, or where shes been, what she did... on several occasions.
I try not to be drawn into the conversation, but i also dont want to cut her off cold and tell her that im not interested....cause well actually that would be a lie...at the momment a little information about the state of her friends is interesting, as it also directly affects her, and thus our S process.
I know that it will be significantly easier once we are no longer sharing the same place, Then we will only see each other a few times each month.
I know that i need to follow a lot of the 180 guidelines so that i can learn to detach from her... but im fighting against the pull of that very attachment and my FWW is also still engaging me regularly...
I think I need to do this, but am wondering if it's too late. We talked about divorcing again for the 2nd time in a week.
I have a key logger installed on his PC because I was monitoring his porn viewing. He promised me no porn for 30 days. How does 180 apply here? Uninstall key logger? Tell him I don't care about porn viewing any more? Do whatever he wants?
- How do I 180 when we are supposedly trying to R?
- How do I 180 while we are in MC?
- How do I 180 when WH has disappeared for the majorty of 2 nights and one weekend day from 7-2:15 and 2:30 to 7:00 pm, and straight out lied about 1 of the nights, saying he was home asleep when I know he wasn't?
I need to know where he was, because I will probably not R if he was with the potential out-of-state but visiting OW #3. So, if I 180, how will I get this information?
- How do I 180 when WH is trying, not successfully by any means, to be more open, honest, and transparent?
Thanks for any suggestions, answers. I am confused about the concepts in general, when a couple is supposedly trying to R and in MC.
if you truly are in R and he has ended the A, then don't 180. listen to your MC, look for advice in the R forum. If your WS is still having the A or is not doing NC, then THERE IS NO R, I think too many people just don't get that. there is no gray area. If he is violating any of your boundaries, tell him, if he doesn't change immediately, 180.
Have a lawyer if need be, hoping for a better tomorrow