Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Elaine311 (43215)

I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 180 Support
Ibelieveinlove
♀ Member
Member # 20921
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, November 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Graham,

The 180 is definitely what you need to do. It will lead you down a path of healing, no matter what happens with your M.

It might also snap your W out of the fog that she's in... but do it for your own healing.


Posts: 276 | Registered: Sep 2008
KJac
♀ Member
Member # 21332
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, November 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

graham82 - ABSOLUTELY this will help you. Whether or not there will ever be R in your situation the 180 will be tremendous for YOU. Read the Healing Library. Read the 180 support threads.

The 180 is all about you. Getting a healthy you. Sometimes it is like a slap in the face for the WS and they come out of their fog and sometimes it makes no difference to them. Irregardless, YOU will feel better and that is what really matters.


Me-BS38
Him-WS/STBX39
M 16yrs Together 18+
Cheated our whole relationship Multiple Ddays, Multiple OW, Multiple EAs and PAs
DS17, TwinDSs16, DD11

Posts: 255 | Registered: Oct 2008
LookingforLove
♀ Member
Member # 12002
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, November 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ibelieveinlove---
I wonder about this as well but I am a BS. I wonder if my H perceives my 180 as throwing in the towel or that I don't want the marriage to work--

My thoughts are that the 180 is suppose to let H know that I no longer care what he does, I am going on with my life..I still talk to him (about kids, finances, house) and usually answer very briefly....

In our last blow-up two weeks ago--we were yelling at each other and he got so mad at me for calling him all kinds of names, accusing him of not being sorry for what he's doing that when I asked if he was going to continue seeing OW--he said yes..

So..if he brings it up or wants to have sex (haven't done it since)..my very calm answer will be that he decided to continue his relationship with OW so there is nothing else to talk about or do...it doesn't matter what he does because he has decided that someone else is more important than me....

how can he argue with that? He said it...

Continue to be strong..if he never says anything to you than he obviously likes things the way they are..and you can make some more appropriate decisions from there for your life...I plan to....


Me: BS
Him: WS LTA 6+ yrs
OW: Skank Company HO
Status:
Divorce filed 4-5-11
WH served on 4-6-11 with D papers and NC order.
Divorced: 4/20/12

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Washington State
soldieron
♀ Member
Member # 21466
Frustrated  Posted: 3:43 AM, November 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LookingForLove-
thank you so much for the advice on the 180. i am trying my best to really work on keeping my words to a minimum. every once in awhile though, when things are going well i slip up and get chatty...i can almost immediately see his response (kind of an "oh god, here she goes again). i have done an excellent job of staying busy, going out with friends which is something i neverused to do because he was my best friend. i only have the suspicion that he is having an affair or flirtation or something, but he did cheat on me very early in our relationship with my best friend. i would say what's happening now is definately because we didn't do a very good job dealing with the A then. he is trying to help now but very passive aggressively. very mopey and condemned and misunderstood. he doesn't understand that there are some actions that have consequences that NEVER go away.


when there's nothing left to burn
you have to set yourself on fire

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: pacific northwest
Ingrid
♀ Member
Member # 20126
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, November 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IF my husband should retreat back to porn, or God-forbid the strip club/stripper of choice once again, and I am NOT YET PREPARED TO SEPARATE FOR FINANCIAL REASONS, please help me everyone to know HOW to do the 180. I really need some tips on how to do this, what it means/what to do/say/how to utilize this to the utmost benefit for your marriage.

Am trying, but it doesn't seem to work all too well. I love my hubby/we're both unemployed currently, which means we're both home 24/7. And as someone else said above, we are best friends, well, up until his betrayal of me with a stripper I suppose, 5 months ago, "seeing" her on the side, 3 yrs. going to the strip club! I think of this, then I think, is this what a best friend would even do to the other? NO! SIGH~ We do things together non-stop/enjoy each other's company, but then I worry as my husband spends some secret time on his phone/being gone with me not knowing where he is/then I sink.

HOW/in God's name does one do the 180 to someone you love? how does one "detach"? to someone you love more than anyone? HOW? HOW? Please give some concrete advice.

Dear SERJR:

thanks for all the good posts and suggestions.

I FEEL I AM A TOTAL BLOCKHEAD, I NEED TO UNDERSTAND THE 180 FULLY IN ORDER TO NOT HAVE A BREAKDOWN!

keep the advice/perceptions coming....pretty please........

[This message edited by Ingrid at 2:43 PM, November 7th (Friday)]


Posts: 232 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: L.A. CA
soldieron
♀ Member
Member # 21466
DOH!  Posted: 2:30 AM, November 8th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ingrid i don't know if i'm even vaguely qualified to try to help you with this as i am struggling myself. but i love my husband just as much as ever. for me the 180 is about taking care of ME and perhaps making him see me in a different light. Einstein said that the definition of insanity is "doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result". that's kind of how i see what i've been doing in my marriage. i've been needy and demanding and excitable even when i know he doesn't react well to these actions. so i'm trying to work on ME. and i've turned the side of me that needs to bitch and moan and get excited over to new friends who want to hear what i have to say. and when he treats me nicely then i treat him nicely and when he's mean i go somewhere else. not just if he's having a bad day or a hard time, but if he is actively being rude to me because of it...i find something else to do.
like i said i'm certainly no expert but i'm trying. and i only work the parts of the 180 that make sense in my relationship. everyone has a different perspective i think.

good luck and keep trying!


when there's nothing left to burn
you have to set yourself on fire

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: pacific northwest
graham82
♂ Member
Member # 21528
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, November 9th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I have been giving this whole 180 approach a try for the past couple of days. She seems to be in a bad mood a lot more zof the time. Sometimes out of nowhere she will just snap at me. I just calmly give her short answers and not let out the real feelings boiling underneath. Is her reaction normal?


Me: 26
WW: 25
Children: D4 and S1
Together 10 years
D-Day: 9/17/08
Filing for Divorce

Posts: 396 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Flint, MI
soldieron
♀ Member
Member # 21466
Concerned  Posted: 12:55 PM, November 9th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

after a good solid week of doing my best 180 something is happening. and i don't think it's good. H called this morning (because i won't call him at work unless it's urgent) talking about feeling run down. at the end of the conversation he told me that he was invited to go out with his best friend but didn't think he would go. i told him he should (i work 35 hours of overnights in 3 days so i do a lot of sleeping during the day, plus i'm trying to convey trust). he replied that he didn't think he would because he is feeling emotionally ill. i told him he should get a new wife, that might make him feel better. he says that it's all his fault, all his fault. (i have only suspected an A or EA, he has denied adamently). god, i think the trickle truths are coming. i know that he feels persecuted for the A he had 15 years ago that he thought was behind us (well it is behind him, not behind me). but why all the guilt? i want to stick my head back into the sand where it belongs. was feeling good about how things were going, now i'm scared again. i love him way too much. shit.


when there's nothing left to burn
you have to set yourself on fire

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: pacific northwest
graham82
♂ Member
Member # 21528
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, November 9th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to say I am liking this 180. I had to get out of the house when she got home. I just couldn't be around her. So I threw my coat on and went over to Circuit City and watched John Mayer Live in Los Angelas oh a big ol' HD TV with surround sound in the Demo room. Cranked that baby up and just had a blast sitting there listening to some great blues. (Ironic they had that playing huh?) Anyway that's a good way to spend an hour when you don't have the energy to do anything but need to be gone...


Me: 26
WW: 25
Children: D4 and S1
Together 10 years
D-Day: 9/17/08
Filing for Divorce

Posts: 396 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Flint, MI
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, November 10th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anybody done the 180 after a year? The A as far as I can tell is over but W has not put in the effort to restore or make our M better. It is the same bad ... minus unfaithful. Is this an odd thing to try now?

Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
SmileyBlue
♀ Member
Member # 19444
Default  Posted: 2:28 AM, November 14th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i liked that quote about einstein soldieron and its true.

I live with SO and its pretty much over, he is just unstable and he refuses to help me heal. He no longer cares about me i am pretty sure he is only living here because its free rent as I own the place. He genuinely blames me for not getting over it sooner, he gets that the A was his fault but thinks i am making a bad situation worse.

I am broken and hurt and my self esteem is absolutely rock bottom. so i need to 180 before i end up in a hospital.

How do i do that when i am living with him? and when he acts like he doesnt care how do i act like i am ok? the worst part for me is that he doesnt give a shit. How do i learn to not give a shit about him?

my heart is broken. I avoided relationships for this very issue - i refuse to put myself in another relationship ever again.


Me: 27 - No longer a BS!
1 little Furbaby

"The bee's are dying? Oh no! Now who will sting me and walk all over my sandwich's?" - Homer Simpson


Posts: 2556 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Australia
kryvan
♀ Member
Member # 10174
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, November 14th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still live with my H. Some people tell me I can still do the 180 while living with him. I've read where they don't do their H's laundry or pick up after H. They just take care of themselves and their children (if any)

My question is this, isn't that kinda childish? I mean if that's what it takes I'll do it. But I don't want my husband to tell me I'm acting like a child. Because if he does, which I'm sure he will I need a good comeback. I can't say Oh I'm doing the 180. He wouldn't understand.

So, how do you do the 180 while living with your SO?


Me: FBS 2005/ WS 2013
H: WS 2005 / poss WS 2013-14
Daughters: 13 & 5

Found out: Oct 2 2005

They say marriages are made in heaven.But so is thunder and lightning.


Posts: 279 | Registered: Mar 2006
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, November 14th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In those situations I would stop thinking about this in terms of the 180 details. I would ask myself "What do I have to do to step out of the hurt?"

I'm pasting a post I made a while back: (it works for both confrontation and internal dialogue)

Setting Healthy Boundaries:

Healthy personal boundaries are a way to protect and take good care of ourselves. We all have a right and responsibility to protect our dignity and defend ourselves, and those boundaries let others know when their behaviour is not acceptable to us. It is important to assert our self respect and develop a healthy relationship with ourselves.
Setting these boundaries is an integral part of ensuring a healthy dynamic in a personal relationship. It is important to communicate these boundaries without blame to ensure the message is heard but still let them know how their behaviour is affecting us. A simple way to lay out these boundaries is to use a basic structure:

When you – a description of the behaviour that you find unacceptable. You want to make this as specific as possible and not rely on your perception of the behaviour but to be about the actual behaviour itself.

I feel – the impact the behaviour has on you. It is important to not let this define us but rather be an emotionally honest expression of our feelings.

I want – a description of the behaviour that it is you want from the other person.

If you – again a description of the behaviour that we find unacceoptable.

I will – a description of what steps you will take to protect yourself and that boundary if it is violated. Realise that you can only control yourself and not the other person. This part is not a form of punishment or manipulation but a way to protect yourself. The consequence should be realistic and within your power to enforce.

So an unhealthy boundary would be saying “You can’t go out any more”. This is quite visibly an aggressive means of manipulation and control and does nothing to create an environment of mutual respect or emotional connection. It will create an aura of defensiveness and possibly be looked upon as a challenge.

A healthier version would be “When you go out and do not let me know where you are I feel insecure and worry about what you are doing. I want to be with someone who is completely honest and transparent so that I can have complete trust in them. If you do not wish to respect my needs and be a partner in this marriage then realize I will maintain my dignity and self respect and re-evaluate my desire to stay in this relationship”. A statement such as this asserts your personal power over the situations you will allow yourself to be in. Strong, simple, and dignified.

Not only does the boundary have to be set, but we have to be willing to enforce them. It is not meant to be a threat or form of punishment – it is a consequence of the other person’s behaviour. The only way that we can do this is to judge that our own self worth is more important than the final outcome. Boundaries are a way to take ownership of our personal empowerment and avoid being a victim. They are a vital part of learning to communicate in a direct and honest way.

(This is a summary from http://www.joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm)

[This message edited by SerJR at 7:03 AM, November 14th (Friday)]


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
prayful
♀ New Member
Member # 20961
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, November 14th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have tried the 180 and about 2 wks ago I saw my WS for the first time in 2 1/2 months and he cried saying he was sorry. Nothing said he wanted to come home but just how sorry he was and how he wants to be "friends".
(He live with the whore).

I saw him again and he was fine, friendly and all.

Anyway, I emailed him today and blew the "180". said "hey there friend.". I wanted to let him know my daughter was okay since they have not talke to each other in a few days. We could both be dead for all he cares.

Anyway, he called and acted normal. But this is the part that kills me.

After I saw him last, I wanted to write him a letter asking why the tears, saying he's sorry, etc. But I am afraid and it is tearing me up inside. He did say he would always love me which I am sure he does but...he loves her more apparently.

I don't know if he is getting sentimental with the holidays coming or what.

When I asked him today what his plans were for the holidays, he said he had none and that it will be lonely over the holidays. I then said he has OW and he said yes I do. He did not mention anything about my plans with the our kids or his plans to come see them.

I had thought he might have been coming out of the "fog" but he is still the selfish ass he always had been.

I love this ass so much and I can't get him out of my head. I have tried and tried but I think about him constantly. It will be 6 months since DD and I am still feeling the same as one day out.

Should I write the letter asking what the reason was for the tears, hugs, kiss on cheek and apologizing again or do I let it go????

Please, I do need help on this one.


BS (Me)49 yrs WS 46 yrs--D-DAY 5-16-08--He moved out 5-18-08 and she moved in w/him 6-7-08
Married 23 Years/Together 24 Years
2 beautiful, bright children. Son 21YRS (College)Daughter 18 YRS Mary,Undoer of Knots,Pray for Me!
In R since June, 2008

Posts: 38 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: PA
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, November 14th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He live with the whore

I think that speaks volumes to his intent...

he wants to be "friends".

Because he couldn't possibly be a bad guy if you're still wanting to be his friend... in fact... he must be pretty damn terrific if you'll settle for that scrap...


He did say he would always love me

Wow... noble 'til the end, isn't he?

he said he had none and that it will be lonely over the holidays

The world can be hilariously cruel...

/ sarcasm off

(((prayful)))

I'm sorry... but right now he's only crying over himself. If he wanted to commit to the marriage you would know it. The games he's playing are too keep you guessing in hopes that he'll still be the most important thing in your life, and to soften you up to make things easier for him. I'm sorry to be so blunt about it.

I wouldn't bother with sending him the letter... it will just let him know that you're not willing to let go of the outcome and that he will be able to continue his behaviour without consequence.

Please think about what true love means to you and about what you really require regarding emotional needs. Know what you're worth and respect that.

Don't feel frustrated with yourself for what you perceive as a lack of progress in your healing... it takes time to do the job right. You are moving forward... just believe in yourself and try to keep the priority on taking care of you.

[This message edited by SerJR at 5:30 PM, November 14th (Friday)]


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
soldieron
♀ Member
Member # 21466
Default  Posted: 2:57 AM, November 15th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

serJR...whipping out the "I" statements! whoo-hoo! but the god's honest truth is that, although you feel like a moron while thinking the statements through and possibly even when they come out of your mouth...they really do effectively convey the exact message you want to send. although in your head it may sound more like "you better pay more attention to me asshole or you're going to be finding someplace else to sleep!" we have always made fun of "I" statements at seminars and school because they sound like psycho-babble but when i really need to drive a point home to my H, this is the best way to do it...and he understands EXACTLY what i am saying.
serJR, you rock!!


when there's nothing left to burn
you have to set yourself on fire

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: pacific northwest
solitario
♂ New Member
Member # 21454
Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, November 20th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I need the 180. However, I've many doubts. I'm afraid my WS will just ignore me, or she will think everything is lost (she's distimic being treated for major depression) and give up. I want to save my marriage. How can I do the 180 and at the same time follow the MC? Or shouldn't I push the MC if she doesn't actively look for it?

[This message edited by solitario at 12:17 AM, November 20th (Thursday)]


D-Day: October 28, 2008
Me (BS) and she: 35
Kids: 10 and 4
OM: Coworker, 55 and married

Posts: 32 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Mexico
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, November 20th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Solitario,

You can do both... by making yourself (and therefore the marriage) attractive and the affair a bad place to be. Essentially, you can reach out with one hand and assert with the other:

Reach out with one hand:
-Make your home, yourself, and marriage inviting/attractive.
-Show self improvement in areas that could use work.
-Communicate calmly and act self assured.
-Offer forgiveness and understanding (but not blindly).
-Avoid any harmful communication, bad habits, or behaviours.

Assert with the other:
-Don't accept the blame for their choice.
-Expose the affair.
-Consult a lawyer for informational purposes.
-Protect the assets of the marriage.
-Do not shield them from the consequences of their actions.
-Lay out the boundaries and consequences.

Don't get so caught up in the details of the 180 list... take the understanding as a whole and apply it as it best fits to your situation... work with what your WS gives you to work with.

[This message edited by SerJR at 8:20 PM, February 20th (Friday)]


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
Newtwood
♀ Member
Member # 21154
Frustrated  Posted: 2:01 AM, November 25th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, I don't know what the Hell else to do. I've posted all over these forums. The anger stage is hitting me and I'm getting it right back from him. I'm trying to keep hurting him purposely you see (according to him).

Last night was the worst and we were back to mentioning D. He doesn't want it and neither do I. I just can't live with him in his refusal to get help for his own head problems.

I think if I 180 he will probably think it's over, think I've given up, and then give up himself.

At the height of it all it was all panic talk-Yes, Yes, I'll do ANYTHING to make this work, I'm so sorry, I'll never do it again, I'll go to counseling, I'll do whatever it takes...and here we sit 2 months later. He wants to forget it, I should get over it, people go through worse things and still get on with their lives. Blah-de-freaking-dah! Same old same old.

Now it's "I" should go to counseling to fix me, to help "me" get over it. I am crazy and he drove me there!

I don't know what else to do. I really don't. I don't know if the 180 would wake him up shake him up or break us up... Where do you even begin? Can you 180 and try to R too?

[This message edited by Newtwood at 6:00 AM, November 25th (Tuesday)]


Faithful Wife of 24+ yrs: Me
WS: Him
OW(s): AFF Skanks/GRANDMOTHERS!!!

Status: Struggling Everday to
Survive

what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another-Anatole France


Posts: 2181 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: North Carolina
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 6:40 AM, November 26th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Newt,

You can take the elements of the 180 that are conducive to R and work it around to work for you. Essentially, you want to work with what your WH gives you.

Hold firm with your boundaries and continue to point out the consequences and put the responsibility back on him – sometimes they're just attempting to continue with sitting on the fence.

I would reply back with “So what are you going to do about this? I want to see changed behaviour over the long term. Although I’m willing to do a lot to save this marriage this lack of progress erodes my desire and ability to fight for it. One day I will have to think of me and our children ahead of it.” This refers to his actions and behaviours and reflects the truth about the situation and put everything nicely into context.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
Topic Posts: 257
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13

Return to Forum: I Can Relate Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.